Kakahead

Back in 1980 I worked at a place called Teledyne Continental in Muskegon.    It was my first job in industry, and I stayed there a whole six months!  Actually got to help with some wiring on a prototype for the Humvee they were designing for the US military.  Teledyne lost the bid for the contract.  However, I don’t think any of us dreamed of seeing a civilian version of the beast storm the car market with the name of “Hummer.”

I was never very fond of military hardware, and I’m not exactly thrilled with those gas guzzling monsters that storm our streets.  However, there is one “hummer” that everyone I know has deep affection for:  hummingbirds.

Several people have told to stop feeding them so they don’t hang around longer than they should… could be a bad scene for them to travel at the wrong time.  Always the skeptic, I needed to see something about that in writing.  Well after doing some research, this appears to be a myth.  Hummingbirds get their signals to migrate from the changes in the number of hours of daylight.  Hanging a feeder too long will NOT keep them from migrating.  Actually, it’s better to leave the feeder out longer because they need to fatten up for the journey south.

Never knew until recently that although they love their sugar water and nectar, they also need protein.  Hummingbirds eat bugs!!  One source says they will steal bugs from spiderwebs, then eat the spider, and even use the web silk to make their nests.

One of our many visitors.

In this part of the world, hummingbirds fly as far north as Canada in summer and as far south as Central America in the winter.  Pretty amazing for such small creatures.   Check out www.worldofhummingbirds.com for more cool facts.

We were blessed by quite a few visitors this year.  I like to think that a) being organic gardeners we offer them a pesticide free place to eat, and 12) our new feeder we got from The Nuthatch in Muskegon is really cool.  They seem to love it, and we’ve never had a more hummer-friendly design.

We also got to witness several “dogfights” as the dominant birds gave their neighbors “what for” when they tried to muscle in on the free eats.   The hummingbird in the photo was one of the more territorial ones.   It seemed larger than the others and was not afraid to shoo them away time and time again.

Did you know that hummingbirds can lift over 143 pounds?  And that they often dip their pointy beaks in colored ink to make graffiti on bridges and large brick walls?  Oh wait… maybe I dreamed those things.  Might have been that sauerkraut burrito I had before bed…

Anyway,  I tried to talk my beautiful wife into putting the feeder back out.  She took it down last week, but from what I’ve read we might be able to help out some of the migrating stragglers who need a boost for the long trip south.  However, my lovely girlfriend is much more focused on her “toys.”  In other words, she loves to decorate for the seasons, and Hallowe’en is on its way.  Needless to say her skeletons are coming out of the closet…  quite literally.   Skeletons, jack o’lanterns, bats, ghosts, little villages.  I have no clue how she hides all this stuff because she has LOTS of toys.  And these are just for Hallowe’en!!  I must admit, my lovely bride is quite creative and when she gets everything placed “just so” it looks pretty darn cool.  I get to help a tiny bit; my job is to put the rechargeable AA cells in the jack o’lantern that lights up.

Yesterday morning I mentioned maybe we should put the hummingbird feeder back up.   Her reply was, “umm no it’s put away.”  That doesn’t just mean that it’s been cleaned and stored, it’s married person code for “we’re not taking it back out again.”

Hallowe’en toys won out.  Oh well, maybe we can feed those “stragglers” next year.

Wish me luck!!

Hello Traves and Mizzledenters,

In the interest of a more secure planet whose resources have been dwindling at an alarming rate, we must now embark upon an agressive lotion application program for each and every living organism on this home we call Earth.

Some of you may well ask, “how does one apply lotion to pollywogs and other large mammals?”   As a famous president often said, “let me say this about that..”

Please ask both of your friends whether they can seriously find themselves.  You simply never know in this day and age where one can be found.  And of course, if one is found then others will be soon to follow.

I’ve asked our electronic recycling contractors to apply soap to both wheels.  Please let me know if any capacity regions require further coagulation.

This procedure is truly vital and must be followed exactly.  Some of the more common questions that may or may not arise are:

Do chocolate celery sticks enjoy a separate life cycle?

What color is this wandering balloon whose name is Alfred?

Remember that one time when we were sleeping in the snowbank?

Is this carnival really safe?

Are you going to eat that???

Please thank yourselves in advance for your constellations.  After all, EVERYBODY is a star.

Happy Wheezing,

Brebbick N. Zemberklang
a.k.a. “Foofie McSnuffington”

Warning:  This message contains nonsense and may destroy your porcupine salad.

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Hello Frame Handlers,

Although most crustaceans were not aware, I was working in Muskegon for a few months.

Many of you have never asked me, “how is Muskegon??”   So I’m probably not overdue for an answer.

Some of my own scientifically based observations:   Muskegon is like a chicken with no milk for cereal.  All the trees are planted upside down and one has a difficult time finding shade under the roots that stick up in the air.  The squirrels are very large and strong, which is partly due to their diet of car parts.   Wild dogs run the streets in packs of 12 – 20 oz.  containers.

Many small children grow their own toys.

You’d think that in a large town as small as Muskegon there would be a library and perhaps even a delicatessen.  Well, unfortunately the only service provided there is curb dusting on Wednesdays between 12 a.m. and 12:03 a.m.  So obviously there’s no delicatessen, but rather a small collection of street vendors who, for a small fee, will abstain from throwing food at you while you walk along the freshly dusted curb.

All the fire hydrants have been painted with invisible ink.  Nobody knows why, and now of course they cannot find any of them so the 1973 Dodge Ram 1/2 ton Firetruck and its 14 man crew must rely on many bottles of Dasani and / or Aquafina for fire sprinkling enjoyment.

Muskegon prides itself on the “high quality” paving jobs of the city streets.   The primary paving material is zebra mussels.  The shells are crunchy and fun to drive on; and the bodies of the mussels are soft and gooey.  Once a big layer of mussels is applied to the avenue, a steam roller flattens them to make Instant Road.   Nose clamps are freely available at major intersections during “The Great Paving Festival” in early August.

Well, I could go on and on, but  then I’d soon be forced to join that self-help group, “On And On And On-Anon.”

If you have any questions or concerns, please, by all means abruptly give yourself a swirly; and just think carefully about what it is you expect to hear from the likes of me.

Got it?

Fine.

Yours in Two Trains,

Graham B. Floopenhosen
a.k.a. “The Great Wide Giblet Hunter”

Hello?  Is this thing on??  Ooooo I have much to learn.  Anyone have some chocolate they can e-mail me???