Kakahead

Warning:  This message contains nonsense and may destroy your porcupine salad.

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Hello Frame Handlers,

Although most crustaceans were not aware, I was working in Muskegon for a few months.

Many of you have never asked me, “how is Muskegon??”   So I’m probably not overdue for an answer.

Some of my own scientifically based observations:   Muskegon is like a chicken with no milk for cereal.  All the trees are planted upside down and one has a difficult time finding shade under the roots that stick up in the air.  The squirrels are very large and strong, which is partly due to their diet of car parts.   Wild dogs run the streets in packs of 12 – 20 oz.  containers.

Many small children grow their own toys.

You’d think that in a large town as small as Muskegon there would be a library and perhaps even a delicatessen.  Well, unfortunately the only service provided there is curb dusting on Wednesdays between 12 a.m. and 12:03 a.m.  So obviously there’s no delicatessen, but rather a small collection of street vendors who, for a small fee, will abstain from throwing food at you while you walk along the freshly dusted curb.

All the fire hydrants have been painted with invisible ink.  Nobody knows why, and now of course they cannot find any of them so the 1973 Dodge Ram 1/2 ton Firetruck and its 14 man crew must rely on many bottles of Dasani and / or Aquafina for fire sprinkling enjoyment.

Muskegon prides itself on the “high quality” paving jobs of the city streets.   The primary paving material is zebra mussels.  The shells are crunchy and fun to drive on; and the bodies of the mussels are soft and gooey.  Once a big layer of mussels is applied to the avenue, a steam roller flattens them to make Instant Road.   Nose clamps are freely available at major intersections during “The Great Paving Festival” in early August.

Well, I could go on and on, but  then I’d soon be forced to join that self-help group, “On And On And On-Anon.”

If you have any questions or concerns, please, by all means abruptly give yourself a swirly; and just think carefully about what it is you expect to hear from the likes of me.

Got it?

Fine.

Yours in Two Trains,

Graham B. Floopenhosen
a.k.a. “The Great Wide Giblet Hunter”