Kakahead

Hi Everyone… hope you all are having a blessed holiday season. This post will be short and sweet… a busy time of year you know.

Just wanted to thank all my friends and family for being who they are.

We are fortunate to know all of you.

May peace and love fill your home and your hearts.

Take care, Ken

Dear Friend,

I just wanted to send you some words to express how happy my heart is to be working all the time and not stopping for a heart vacation. I really like breathing and especially eating; so if my heart went on vacation I suspect I would not be able to enjoy smelling jelly or eating smelt pot pie.

Additionally, it truly warms my soul to know that:

A) I have the great pleasure of knowing you

4) You are a very nice person

Q) You don’t stab my toes with any garden tools; and

E6) You don’t live at my house.

Please keep in mind that if you ever need to live in my house, the shed is where you will be sleeping.

I do apologize but I cannot share my bed with any additional mammals.

As it is now; my wife keeps at least half the bed to herself, so that leaves me with about 12.4% of the total sleeping area. Then of course we have our two cats who are convinced that we require them to be sleeping on our heads. Nothing quite compares to a nice fur hat that purrs in the middle of the night.

Fortunately for us, Musky Da Husky has his own bed complete with squeaky toys and crunch bones. And yes, he’s all by himself on that bed but don’t even think for a minute that you get to share a bed with the likes of him. He is very defensive of his toys and crunchies, and will not hesitate to recite the U.S., Constitution and all its articles and amendments if he feels threatened.

So now we are enjoying the Holiday Season, which means of course that we get to spend large amounts of money on food and gifts and please just send me the money instead and I’ll make sure it gets put under my mattress for a rainy snow day.

I’m sure you are eager to buy me expensive gifts this year. Please be aware that I’m very easy to please but if you don’t get the gifts listed below I’ll train fleas to visit your tuna salad in the weeks to come.

Here is an abbreviated list of items I require:

1) 1 large bottle (371 milligrams) of Krampo’s Lint Be Gone (deep fried Twinkies are an acceptable substitute)

T) 4 bushels of Nestle’s Creamed Corn

0p) 1 tail light assembly for a 1959 Nash Metropolitan

z#) 17 small pine cones dipped in Aunt Ludmilla’s Avacado Gravy Mix

v12) 3 half pint jars of Crazy Willie’s Carpet Tacks

Well, you get the idea. If you choose to buy me something that is not on the list, well I guess maybe we could still be friends after you pay me extra.

In closing I’d simply like to point out that although there are many things happening on Planet Earth that give us a reason to cry; having a friend like you is much more valuable than, say, chocolate covered hubcaps or even liquid lobster protein supplements.

In other words, thank you kindly for being who you are.

Your friend,

Nive Tringleshorts
a.k.a. “Irving the Bug Biter”

My apologies: I usually try to write something funny or uplifting every week and call it “Happy Friday.” However, this past week my funnybone just didn’t have any tickles; so when I sat in the chair Thursday my writing fingers went brain dead.

This past Tuesday was December 8, the date a beloved musician and peace activist by the name of John Lennon was shot dead near his home in New York. When I first heard the news early in the morning of December 9, 1980 I cried. I cried all the way to work. Such terrible sadness.

Then, this past Thursday; Barack Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize. That should be a source of joy for a guy like me…

I’ll come out and say it: I voted for Barack Obama this past November. Along with many others, I had high hopes… and was especially smitten with his stance on world peace; global equality; and environmental stewardship. This guy seemed like an old peacenik tree hugger hippie’s dream come true.

I’m an idealist, a pacifist, an old hippie. What can I say? I have some silly notions that since humans proclaim themselves to be the dominant species on this planet, we have responsibilities. These responsibilities include wacky things like protecting the environment, treating all creatures (including other humans) with love and kindness, and sharing the bountiful resources with which we are blessed. I believe that The Creator loves everyone; and the least we can do is to live by the “golden rule” to the best of our ability.

Boy am I naive. Or am I? Well, lots of other people have similar “silly ideas.”

I’m very happy that Mr. Obama is not much like his predecessor. He and his administration have already repaired a lot of damage done to global relationships. Unfortunately, however, some things just don’t seem to veer too far from the status quo.

Many feathers were ruffled when Mr. Obama was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. I must admit it seemed a bit over the top, but I believe the Norwegians were laying down some expectations. I think they saw great potential in Barack Obama; much like what I perceived during his presidential campaign. Obviously the rest, as they say, is history because he actually won the award.

My sadness springs from what I consider to be some discouraging words in his acceptance speech:

“We must begin by acknowledging the hard truth that we will not eradicate violent conflict in our lifetimes. There will be times when nations – acting individually or in concert – will find the use of force not only necessary but morally justified.”

Morally justified? Silly me again… I never quite got the hang of believing that killing and maiming was ever morally justified. Am I naive enough to believe that we can lay down our arms and live happily ever after? No, I quit doing drugs many years ago. However, when I see our president sending troops overseas and putting them in harm’s way, I shake my head and wonder how this can be construed as “defense.”

I’m a Vietnam era veteran. I was never placed anywhere near a combat situation but I have friends who were. Combat should always be the very last resort to any conflict. And in my mind such a last resort should be reserved for a direct threat to our soil. In other words, bring the soldiers home and let’s focus on protecting our own; right here.

Idealist. That’s me. I still am astonished at so-called “religious” people who advocate killing as a way to solve problems. Anyone heard the commandment: “Thou shalt not kill” ?? I don’t recall any “unless” clause written into that one.

Anyway, I’ll continue to advocate for peace in my own meager way. I’m grateful that my wife and I succeeded in raising two wonderful offspring who also have these silly peacenik tree hugger ideals. And we have friends and they have friends… and all we are saying is GIVE PEACE A CHANCE. PLEASE.

Click here for a video – Let's at least just try…

Dear Ladles and Jellyspoons,

I have come to the conclusion that snow induces seizures in many automobile drivers. This I am knowing because of the spastic manner in which people navigate their jalopy zoomers as soon as the weather changes. Now the reader must appreciate the sheer folly of this, because we live in Michigan and snow is not exactly a foreign substance here. It comes to visit us every single year, and every single year many snow belt residents seem to lose all their winter driving skills and commence to having seizures while driving just as soon as the snow arrives.

Of course, these seizures are self induced, a direct result of drivers only looking as far as the end of their noses while assessing traffic situations. This is coupled with the idiocy factor, which seems to compel people to navigate their street rods as if they are the only person on the road. The end result is truly dangerous behavior that becomes very unsafe for them and all who might be around them. Of course, the idiocy factor is present all year long. Then the weather changes. Autumn brings rain, and as autumn slides into winter, the rain begins to freeze and then VOILA!! Snow. What a shocker, huh? Ya right… this is very normal for Michigan and all the rest of the snow belt.

So you have all these clam-headed bug poop eaters behind the wheel who drive as if they have absolutely no clue. An amazing concept: snow and ice make the road slippery!!! Now who would ever have imagined such nonsense?? Well it’s true. And hey, you know all those road hogs who think they will never get where they are going unless they go 98.36 mph?? You know, the jerkfaces who fly up to your tail while you’re already doing 75 or even 80 in the passing lane. You’re sitting there, minding your own business, passing cars, keeping a safe distance between you and those in front, when some snot licker decides that you are in the way. Bad enough they are basically threatening you by following way too closely. Then they add insult to injury by flashing their lights. Isn’t that special? They own the road you know. They paid for the whole thing.

They like windshield washer fluid. I know this because after I warn them with my emergency flashers that they are way too close, they still like to stay right on my hiney. I’m pretty sure they appreciate it when I wash my windows and they get free juice in their faces. Otherwise why would they hug my bumper so, even when I can’t go anywhere but the next guy’s bumper? And hey, sorry Mr. or Ms. Roadhog, I’m not gonna tailgate. You’ll just have to wait until I find a safe spot to slide over, and in the meantime, I think my windshield is not quite clean. Here’s some more washer juice!

Then the snow comes and adds a bit of spice to the mix. Now imagine you are again in the passing lane, but only going 55 if you’re lucky because the road is slick, but you’re still passing all the old ladies and frightened people who can’t get their cars to go more than 35 on the interstate. Here comes Mr. or Ms. HineyHugger. What appears to be going through their minds is: “Oh, now that the snow has arrived, I must try to lick your bumper with my hood ornament at every possible opportunity.” This appears to be the anthem of the tailgaters; who very soon enjoy crying and rolling in the ditch when the person in front of them has to hit the brakes. And all too many hit the brakes because of something like: “Holy Mackerel I Can’t See With All This Blowing Snow!! Oh Gosh There’s A Deer Or Maybe Not!! Who Just Sent Me A Text Message?? Where Is The Rest Of My Breakfast Burrito??!!” Suddenly they are sliding wildly; which increases their enjoyment of the early snowy morning drive. They are especially happy after learning the effect that saplings have on the underside of their car. Unfortunately, however, these idiots may get hurt but also may drag other unwilling participants into the ditch party.

So I would like to close with a plea. Please, no matter where you are, drive safely to and from your home and / or your non-home universe during this time of frozen precipitation and stupid people who think they are drivers but are actually eels in a small bowl of Jell-O with a nice lint frosting which is complemented by a run-on sentence just like this one.

You will know the eel-people by their affinity for car hiney hugging. Let them pass and enjoy their ditch races. It is especially wonderful when they are hopelessly stuck and try to drive out anyhow. Oh yes they do enjoy the burial of their tires in the muck so the wrecker has to bend its winches when trying to remove them from their ditch playgrounds.

Also, please PLEASE PLEASE never fight with idiots on the road. ROAD RAGE KILLS. It also makes dead people out of living ones. There are people on the planet who will actually use their car for a weapon! Please be careful!

OK, enough of my venting. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, and lots of people are bringing wonderful things for the taste flavors of your face and mouth parts. Please enjoy your everything and especially that nice treat that Mrs. Whosamajigger brought for Holiday Face Stuffing today. I like to rub cookies on my belly. Very good enjoyment, I’ll say. And above all, be kind to everyone you meet. Even the wacko driver ninnies.

Live long and don’t lick spiders.

Yours with no tail,

Zoonork Ventricle

a.k.a. Hobnar G. Wobbynock