Kakahead

Dear Ladles and Jellyspoons,

I have come to the conclusion that snow induces seizures in many automobile drivers. This I am knowing because of the spastic manner in which people navigate their jalopy zoomers as soon as the weather changes. Now the reader must appreciate the sheer folly of this, because we live in Michigan and snow is not exactly a foreign substance here. It comes to visit us every single year, and every single year many snow belt residents seem to lose all their winter driving skills and commence to having seizures while driving just as soon as the snow arrives.

Of course, these seizures are self induced, a direct result of drivers only looking as far as the end of their noses while assessing traffic situations. This is coupled with the idiocy factor, which seems to compel people to navigate their street rods as if they are the only person on the road. The end result is truly dangerous behavior that becomes very unsafe for them and all who might be around them. Of course, the idiocy factor is present all year long. Then the weather changes. Autumn brings rain, and as autumn slides into winter, the rain begins to freeze and then VOILA!! Snow. What a shocker, huh? Ya right… this is very normal for Michigan and all the rest of the snow belt.

So you have all these clam-headed bug poop eaters behind the wheel who drive as if they have absolutely no clue. An amazing concept: snow and ice make the road slippery!!! Now who would ever have imagined such nonsense?? Well it’s true. And hey, you know all those road hogs who think they will never get where they are going unless they go 98.36 mph?? You know, the jerkfaces who fly up to your tail while you’re already doing 75 or even 80 in the passing lane. You’re sitting there, minding your own business, passing cars, keeping a safe distance between you and those in front, when some snot licker decides that you are in the way. Bad enough they are basically threatening you by following way too closely. Then they add insult to injury by flashing their lights. Isn’t that special? They own the road you know. They paid for the whole thing.

They like windshield washer fluid. I know this because after I warn them with my emergency flashers that they are way too close, they still like to stay right on my hiney. I’m pretty sure they appreciate it when I wash my windows and they get free juice in their faces. Otherwise why would they hug my bumper so, even when I can’t go anywhere but the next guy’s bumper? And hey, sorry Mr. or Ms. Roadhog, I’m not gonna tailgate. You’ll just have to wait until I find a safe spot to slide over, and in the meantime, I think my windshield is not quite clean. Here’s some more washer juice!

Then the snow comes and adds a bit of spice to the mix. Now imagine you are again in the passing lane, but only going 55 if you’re lucky because the road is slick, but you’re still passing all the old ladies and frightened people who can’t get their cars to go more than 35 on the interstate. Here comes Mr. or Ms. HineyHugger. What appears to be going through their minds is: “Oh, now that the snow has arrived, I must try to lick your bumper with my hood ornament at every possible opportunity.” This appears to be the anthem of the tailgaters; who very soon enjoy crying and rolling in the ditch when the person in front of them has to hit the brakes. And all too many hit the brakes because of something like: “Holy Mackerel I Can’t See With All This Blowing Snow!! Oh Gosh There’s A Deer Or Maybe Not!! Who Just Sent Me A Text Message?? Where Is The Rest Of My Breakfast Burrito??!!” Suddenly they are sliding wildly; which increases their enjoyment of the early snowy morning drive. They are especially happy after learning the effect that saplings have on the underside of their car. Unfortunately, however, these idiots may get hurt but also may drag other unwilling participants into the ditch party.

So I would like to close with a plea. Please, no matter where you are, drive safely to and from your home and / or your non-home universe during this time of frozen precipitation and stupid people who think they are drivers but are actually eels in a small bowl of Jell-O with a nice lint frosting which is complemented by a run-on sentence just like this one.

You will know the eel-people by their affinity for car hiney hugging. Let them pass and enjoy their ditch races. It is especially wonderful when they are hopelessly stuck and try to drive out anyhow. Oh yes they do enjoy the burial of their tires in the muck so the wrecker has to bend its winches when trying to remove them from their ditch playgrounds.

Also, please PLEASE PLEASE never fight with idiots on the road. ROAD RAGE KILLS. It also makes dead people out of living ones. There are people on the planet who will actually use their car for a weapon! Please be careful!

OK, enough of my venting. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, and lots of people are bringing wonderful things for the taste flavors of your face and mouth parts. Please enjoy your everything and especially that nice treat that Mrs. Whosamajigger brought for Holiday Face Stuffing today. I like to rub cookies on my belly. Very good enjoyment, I’ll say. And above all, be kind to everyone you meet. Even the wacko driver ninnies.

Live long and don’t lick spiders.

Yours with no tail,

Zoonork Ventricle

a.k.a. Hobnar G. Wobbynock