Kakahead

Dear Friend,

I just wanted to send you some words to express how happy my heart is to be working all the time and not stopping for a heart vacation. I really like breathing and especially eating; so if my heart went on vacation I suspect I would not be able to enjoy smelling jelly or eating smelt pot pie.

Additionally, it truly warms my soul to know that:

A) I have the great pleasure of knowing you

4) You are a very nice person

Q) You don’t stab my toes with any garden tools; and

E6) You don’t live at my house.

Please keep in mind that if you ever need to live in my house, the shed is where you will be sleeping.

You may actually use the LARGER shed...

I do apologize but I cannot share my bed with any additional mammals.

As it is now; my wife keeps at least half the bed to herself, so that leaves me with about 12.4% of the total sleeping area. Then of course we have our two cats who are convinced that we require them to be sleeping on our heads. Nothing quite compares to a nice fur hat that purrs in the middle of the night.

Fortunately for us, Musky Da Husky has his own bed complete with squeaky toys and crunch bones. And yes, he’s all by himself on that bed but don’t even think for a minute that you get to share a bed with the likes of him. He is very defensive of his toys and crunchies, and will not hesitate to recite the U.S., Constitution and all its articles and amendments if he feels threatened.

So now we are enjoying the Holiday Season, which means of course that we get to spend large amounts of money on food and gifts and please just send me the money instead and I’ll make sure it gets put under my mattress for a rainy snow day.

I’m sure you are eager to buy me expensive gifts this year. Please be aware that I’m very easy to please but if you don’t get the gifts listed below I’ll train fleas to visit your tuna salad in the weeks to come.

Here is an abbreviated list of items I require:

1) 1 large bottle (371 milligrams) of Krampo’s Lint Be Gone (deep fried Twinkies are an acceptable substitute)

T) 4 bushels of Nestle’s Creamed Corn

0p) 1 tail light assembly for a 1959 Nash Metropolitan

z#) 17 small pine cones dipped in Aunt Ludmilla’s Avacado Gravy Mix

v12) 3 half pint jars of Crazy Willie’s Carpet Tacks

Well, you get the idea. If you choose to buy me something that is not on the list, well I guess maybe we could still be friends after you pay me extra.

In closing I’d simply like to point out that although there are many things happening on Planet Earth that give us a reason to cry; having a friend like you is much more valuable than, say, chocolate covered hubcaps or even liquid lobster protein supplements.

In other words, thank you kindly for being who you are.

Your friend,

Nive Tringleshorts
a.k.a. “Irving the Bug Biter”