Kakahead

My belly button and I will be celebrating another birthday soon.  I think the rest of my body got older also…  Don’t worry, everything still works.  In fact, things may even be improving somewhat… at least in some respects.  Life is pretty darn good.  However, since I’ve been an official member of the AARP for awhile now, I’d like to share a few observations I’ve made about this “getting older” business:

Some down sides:

1) The hair in my ears, nose, and eyebrows grows better than the hair on my head. I figure if I lose too much more of my mop, I’ll just let all the other stuff grow out and comb it over.

Q) My body stores fat more readily than ever before.  I’m beginning to believe that all I really have to do is LOOK at food and I will gain ten pounds. Unless, of course, I’m looking at celery or carrots; they don’t fatten me. But it seems to take 430 days of drinking 34 glasses of water a day and eating nothing but bunny food to effect the loss of 1/2 pound or so. Unless I exercise.  If I run 27 miles before I have breakfast, I might be able to lose another 0.001 pound.

9) I am older than many of the people I see at work!   This has never happened to me before.  They don’t seem to mind, though. Folks just humor me when I reminisce about when the Beatles came over on the Mayflower and stuff like that. “Remember the race riots in ’67? Oh, you weren’t born yet? Ok, you, shut up and go away. Wait… you gonna eat that Twinkie??”

F) The “good old days” consisted of obsolete technology.  I’m not talking IBM 8088 computers or “new” calculators that would actually do a square root and only cost $60 either. I’m talking Univac, a huge computer built with vacuum tubes, and watching my favorite TV programs in glorious Black and White, because that’s all there was.  Radios and TV sets all had tubes in them, and you had to wait 30 seconds for them to warm up before getting anything. Oh, and not to forget record players.  Man, I’m getting ancient here!

But believe it or don’t, there really are some positive things about this aging business:

A) I don’t have the emotional roller coaster I used to ride around on all the time.  Man, growing up was the pits!!  Well, OK, not all the time.  There was quite a bit of fun along the way.  However, don’t know about you folks, but this boy sure spent way too much time weeping and gnashing his teeth. These days, I try to be grateful and count my blessings instead of whining and numbering all my troubles.  Works most of the time.  And I have more patience than I’ve ever had…

Take driving, for example. Used to be a daily thing for me to get totally ticked off at idiot drivers. Someone would cut me off, right? So I’d get an adrenalin rush, and catch up to them to yell something like this:   “Hey Chicken Lips! Examine my angry red face while I display one of my more memorable fingers to your eye things! You have no brain! I question your ancestral heritage! I believe you are a bark eater!”  All the while, my skin would be crawling with adrenalin goose bumps, and that funny taste would linger in the back of my mouth. I didn’t really like the feeling, but it took quite awhile for me to put it all into perspective. Nowadays, if a mentally ill driving person does me some dirt, I mutter something like, “oh thank you, Flavorhead. See you in the obituaries.” They never get to see me lose my temper, and with any luck, I never see them again, anyway.  This is probably a good thing, because you just never know who might have a bazooka or something lying next to them on the driver’s seat.

12) My wife and I still chase each other, and it’s better than ever!  Except for that one time she wanted to invite that camel over for pizza and fake wine (maybe that was a dream).

C5) I make more money than I ever have before. Well, ok, I spend more money than I ever have before, too. In fact thanks to Visa Money Bucket Plastic Land, I can spend money I don’t have. But what the heck, my Mom and Dad didn’t leave me anything, so the least I can do is return the favor for my kids.

So, hey, life is pretty darn good. I doubt that I’m going to get younger, so I guess I’ll have to accept the fact that I’m becoming a “walking antique.”  In previous years, I’ve found myself spending way too much time dwelling on the negative, but these days I try to do a little better each year.  You know, eating right, exercising, and all that other yada yada yada.  Besides, I just might get really good at styling all that ear, nose, and eyebrow hair.

Perhaps the biggest bonus I’ve acquired along the path of this journey we call life is peace of mind.  I’ve learned (albeit sometimes the hard way) to use a few coping skills that have helped me mellow out quite a bit.  Like my reaction to change, for example.  I’m not really fond of Dennis Miller’s brand of humor, but he said a pretty neat thing awhile ago:  “Life is like riding the bus.  It requires change.”  Lots of stuff changing at work. At home too.  And in the news??  Forget about it awreddy!!  Stuff that used to make my brain explode now simply seems like an annoying little fly to be swatted out of my face.  What’s that expression…? Don’t sweat the petty things.   Or is that don’t pet the sweaty things??  You know, those two rules for stress management:  1) don’t sweat the small stuff, and 2) everything is small stuff.

It reminds me of a poem…  maybe because I made it up:

Das Bizzyvink

by Me, the Person

The stress tried to kill me, but right now it’s gone.

I mowed all the garbage and dumped out the lawn.

Drove backwards to work, it’s a new way to say,

“Hey all of you ninnies, get out of my way!”

When stress is a color, it’s probably red.

It burns up my innards and blushes my head.

It’s much better just to chill out, you see,

So there’s not too much STRESS and too little of ME.

Ya shoor, in my head there arose such a clatter,

From stressing about things that really don’t matter.

But these days I’m much better, if you don’t mind my saying.

More fun I am having, more games I am playing.

Well, I’m hoping to take stuff less seriously now.

I’ve been here before, so I think I know how.

I’ll try to stay happy and whistle while working.

More “Happy Joy Joy,” and less “You are a Jerk”-ing.

Well, this is me leaving now.  Hope all of you have a nice time on my belly button’s birthday.  And as I’ve often said, please remember that it’s better to be you than for you to be me, and that although you can count to 8, “eight” is a word.

Hi Folks!

There is only one TRUE way to impress your friends with warmth and love, and that is by sending the following letter to all of them on Valentine’s Day or something.  So, since this I am writing this “Happy Friday” to all of you, my dear, wonderful friends, please take a minute to be bathed in the loving thoughts in the letter that follows.  AND, as an added bonus, you can easily cut and paste it out and send it to YOUR friends!  No box tops or proof of purchase required!

Remember, this is written in the singular, because I am sending this heart-felt sentiment to EACH of you, individually!!  Ok?  Here we go…

Dear Snifflehead,

Don’t think for a minute that you can even for one moment even possibly have a chance to realize anything about the possible chances of knowing what I was thinking a moment ago.  Give me a break already.  You know what I mean, right? Of course you do, that’s why we’re friends!

It’s been nearly three days now, and that’s longer than what I had anticipated before the three days began.  That was at least three days ago.  Now it is three days hence, and it feels a lot like three days have gone by.  It may seem redundant to you, but I don’t wish to repeat myself to the point of being guilty of saying the same thing over again. That would be redundant, as you may have detected, but I refuse to be accused of saying the same thing over again.

Our friendship goes back as far as I can remember; but to be honest, I can’t remember who the heck you are or what you look like.  All I know for certain is that you will soon be receiving small packages of soil in the mail.  Consider it a token of appreciation for all the things you have never done for me.  The soil you will soon enjoy will contain very small mites who will watch you while you go to the bathroom.  If you hear faint, high-pitched laughter in there while you are bathing, that is just those silly mites.  They carry small video recorders; so don’t be surprised if your hiney is featured on YouTube in the years to come.

Let’s make a point of having bark salad sometime at separate restaurants together.  Then we can have a nice telephone conversation with someone we REALLY like, and it would be much more meaningful than this garbage.   You never contacted me in the first place; so if you think I’m going to write another word about this, I’m crazy!!  Take notes at the next sink-plunging session you enjoy, and remind me to laugh at the resulting jelly donuts you stepped on during the last Global Crybaby Kaka-Roach Festival.

Above all, quit following me.  I can smell you in my dreams.  I know the model of automobile you have been repairing lately.  It is futile for you to hide from observation, there is a satellite transponder in the kitchen with your name on it.

Well, my dearest friend, I can’t for the life of me remember your name.  But if we ever meet again, please give me a lot of money.  I know that’s a big request from a stranger, but you know as well as I do that the best things in life are free…  So give me your money DARN IT!!!!  DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TRAP YOUR SOUL IN USELESS MATERIAL POSSESSIONS?   Give me all you have and let me bear the burden for you!  I promise I won’t sell your most beloved things until I get around the corner.  If your pets are selling watches on the street, what business is it of yours? They can’t work at McDonald’s all my life!! 

We gotta get something from somewhere and find out what the heck it is! Otherwise, we won’t know what we have, and then we’ll be at the end of this letter!

Jump loudly with bugs,

Your Anonymous Friend,

Me

Uh Oh… another one of those video things…

Dear Friends,

With the coming of Valentine’s Day this Sunday, I can’t help but reflect on the love I have been so fortunate to enjoy.  For example:  we have our grandson visiting this weekend.   What does that have to do with Valentine’s Day?

EVERYTHING.

I mean, think about it:  I officially began dating my beautiful girlfriend (wife) on May 19, 1972.  Fortunately for me, she allowed me to marry her and we got two beautiful children out of the deal.  In spite of a few bumps in the road for each of us (at one time or another), we all love each other to pieces and are happy most of the time.  Our son is doing great in college; our daughter and her wonderful man brought us our beautiful grandson.

Is this too mooshy for you?  Well if so, too darn bad.   It is my professional opinion that with all the garbage you hear on the news, we need to focus on what’s GOOD in our lives.  So I’m doing that right now.

That being said, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day I’d like to share some of the things I have said to my lovely girlfriend over the years.  We love to laugh, so some of the things we’ve proclaimed over the years may cause the innocent bystander to wonder a bit.  Do not be afraid… we are NOT crazy.  If you don’t believe us just us some time…  Anyway, here are some of the things I’ve said (and continue to say) to my honey pie on a pretty regular basis:

“I love you, how to say I don’t know what.  I love you like a squirrel loves a nut.”

(My lovely bride’s reply to this:  “I love you like the ice cream on the mountain top.”)

“Thank you for being my friend and letting me kiss you.”

“You are a beautiful young woman.”

“Come here and make with the kissing.”

“Your curves have always been just fine for me!!”  (That one was when she announced she’d be starting a membership at Curves.)

“Thank you for making dinner!”

“Give to me the hug…)

Well you get the idea.  But seriously folks, I really do say these things.  My professional opinion is that all women are beautiful, but none will ever be as beautiful as my lovely girlfriend / honey pie / wife person lady.  It is simply not possible.

I’d also like to make up a few other things I haven’t said yet.  And guys (or even girls), feel free to steal these if the spirit moves you:

“Your lips are like redwood trees sleeping in a volcano.”

“You have such beautiful eyes… they remind me of a velvet traffic light.”

“I bet you can’t wait to kiss me to see what I just had for lunch!”

“What color would you like your mashed potatoes to be tonight?”

OK maybe I won’t really say those things.

Anyway, our wonderful grandson is spending the weekend.  Then on Sunday, our two children, our son-in-law, and beautiful friend Ruthie will join us for Valentine’s Day dinner.  Life is good.

After dinner is over I get to have my beautiful girlfriend all to myself.  And you know what we’re gonna do??  That’s right!!  We’re playing checkers!!!

KING ME BABY!!!

It’s been a very long work week.  VERY long.  Did I mention that my work week seemed to last forever and 3 days?

Very long.

I’m both blessed and cursed with a pretty decent job in the computer field.  Believe me, in times like these I am quite aware of how fortunate I am.  I send thanks every day (sometimes more than once) to the Creator and All Their Friends for what I have.

However, the job is a bit stressful at times.  Way too much work and not nearly enough time.  I could literally live at work and not get finished.  I just do the best I can.  Things go relatively well until something unplanned comes along.  And of course that’s a pretty common occurrence.  “Some days you get the bear, and some days the bear gets you,” I’ve found myself proclaiming to my boss.

The bear got me a few too many times this week.

You see, there are confused souls on this planet who squander their technical talents on writing software that transforms into little icky monsters.  Once they get their software perfected, they let them loose on the internet and they bop around and infect computers.  These nasty virus bugs and spyware (also called malware) fly around incognito, often posing as “interesting” e-mails or annoying pop-up windows.  Unsuspecting folks click inside the pop-up windows to get rid of them, or open the “interesting” e-mails to check out what’s inside.

“Bad juju,” as my friend Eric would say.  I have rebuilt 3 computers this past week due to virus and / or spyware problems.  Such fun you know.  Only spend a minimum of 3 hours on each computer.  I love the happy stories people relate to me regarding how their work computer was infected:

“I let my wife use it at home and…”

“I was surfing the web and got this crazy e-mail.  Next thing I know…”

“All I did was click NO inside this stupid pop-up window…”

Of course, none of these folks have their Windows firewall turned on; nor do they have their Microsoft updates applied.  Those nasty spam/virus/spyware guys love to create bugs that go after Windows machines.   They have a real fun time exploiting the Microsoft operating systems for a number of reasons which really is a whole different story.

So if you have a computer that connects to the internet (especially a Windows computer), PLEASE remember to:

A) Keep your Microsoft Updates applied,

3)  Refrain from clicking anything inside a pop-up window, meaning close it from the task bar (right-click down there and choose Close)

%)  Keep your anti-virus software updated, and

19)  Never, NEVER open an e-mail from anyone you don’t know.  Delete it and dump your trash.

Not sure about you, but I can pretty much tell when I’m getting a spam message.  Vicodin and other narcotics are offered for cheap money; or maybe something will make my manhood larger, or perhaps I might be awarded a “Free Sample Available Only On The Internet.”

You get the idea.

And if the crap e-mail gets too bad, get a different e-mail address.   Pain in the tush, but it might be worth it.

I’m often asked, “why do people make spam and write viruses?”  My answer?

“They obviously have never had a romantic relationship.  Or perhaps their pets won’t have anything to do with them.  Frustrated, sad, lonely people do this.”

At least, that’s my professional opinion.

Hopefully next week I will get the bear more than the bear gets me.  Until then, I intend to fill my weekend with highly technical chores like stacking firewood, walking the dog through the woods, and having friends over.  I’m pretty geeked about that last one because we’re having PIZZA!!!  Since the turn of the year my lovely girlfriend and I are eating much healthier foods, so pizza has been cast aside as a very rarely eaten delicacy.  I must be careful not to drool all over the keyboard as I type about it.  Oh, and to complement the pizza I’ll be enjoying the very technical task of making “bluederberry pie” (part blueberry part elderberry) to serve with some ice cream (fat free Breyer’s vanilla of course).

OK.  Enough with the computer jerkface virus spam spyware making stinker butt peoples.  I was so fried from work today I almost stayed the HECK away from the computer.  Watched some recorded TV with my lovely girlfriend and was darn near ready to ignore “Happy Friday!!!” I’ll have to admit though, letting out the frustration is good therapy.   Besides, I do enjoy this stupid computer as a toy; and as you may have seen from previous posts I enjoy digging up a video for the fun of it.  Again, my ritual apology to those with dialup internet.  Spare yourself the grief… don’t click on the video unless  you are REALLY patient.

This one is from a band called Mi Sex, who had a hit in 1979 called “Computer Games.”  Technology (and music) has changed a bit since then…  The song’s a bit lengthy but it was kind of fun in those days.  Let’s hear it for YouTube.