Kakahead

Hi Folks!

There is only one TRUE way to impress your friends with warmth and love, and that is by sending the following letter to all of them on Valentine’s Day or something.  So, since this I am writing this “Happy Friday” to all of you, my dear, wonderful friends, please take a minute to be bathed in the loving thoughts in the letter that follows.  AND, as an added bonus, you can easily cut and paste it out and send it to YOUR friends!  No box tops or proof of purchase required!

Remember, this is written in the singular, because I am sending this heart-felt sentiment to EACH of you, individually!!  Ok?  Here we go…

Dear Snifflehead,

Don’t think for a minute that you can even for one moment even possibly have a chance to realize anything about the possible chances of knowing what I was thinking a moment ago.  Give me a break already.  You know what I mean, right? Of course you do, that’s why we’re friends!

It’s been nearly three days now, and that’s longer than what I had anticipated before the three days began.  That was at least three days ago.  Now it is three days hence, and it feels a lot like three days have gone by.  It may seem redundant to you, but I don’t wish to repeat myself to the point of being guilty of saying the same thing over again. That would be redundant, as you may have detected, but I refuse to be accused of saying the same thing over again.

Our friendship goes back as far as I can remember; but to be honest, I can’t remember who the heck you are or what you look like.  All I know for certain is that you will soon be receiving small packages of soil in the mail.  Consider it a token of appreciation for all the things you have never done for me.  The soil you will soon enjoy will contain very small mites who will watch you while you go to the bathroom.  If you hear faint, high-pitched laughter in there while you are bathing, that is just those silly mites.  They carry small video recorders; so don’t be surprised if your hiney is featured on YouTube in the years to come.

Let’s make a point of having bark salad sometime at separate restaurants together.  Then we can have a nice telephone conversation with someone we REALLY like, and it would be much more meaningful than this garbage.   You never contacted me in the first place; so if you think I’m going to write another word about this, I’m crazy!!  Take notes at the next sink-plunging session you enjoy, and remind me to laugh at the resulting jelly donuts you stepped on during the last Global Crybaby Kaka-Roach Festival.

Above all, quit following me.  I can smell you in my dreams.  I know the model of automobile you have been repairing lately.  It is futile for you to hide from observation, there is a satellite transponder in the kitchen with your name on it.

Well, my dearest friend, I can’t for the life of me remember your name.  But if we ever meet again, please give me a lot of money.  I know that’s a big request from a stranger, but you know as well as I do that the best things in life are free…  So give me your money DARN IT!!!!  DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TRAP YOUR SOUL IN USELESS MATERIAL POSSESSIONS?   Give me all you have and let me bear the burden for you!  I promise I won’t sell your most beloved things until I get around the corner.  If your pets are selling watches on the street, what business is it of yours? They can’t work at McDonald’s all my life!! 

We gotta get something from somewhere and find out what the heck it is! Otherwise, we won’t know what we have, and then we’ll be at the end of this letter!

Jump loudly with bugs,

Your Anonymous Friend,

Me

Uh Oh… another one of those video things…