Kakahead

If bean plants could talk, they’d ask the onions to leave the premises immediately. This is for real, people!  They’d pinch their noses and shout thusly:  “Hey! You wid da face! You’re pudding a big hurt od by doze! Gid oudda here awreddy! Can’t lib here wid dis stinking.”

The onions cry. After all, they can’t help the fact that they were born with a natural fragrance that bean plants find offensive.  Not to worry, the cabbage family is happy to have onions in the neighborhood. Must like that Italian cooking, maybe?

Forgive me while I indulge in this good stink / bad stink talk. In these parts, It’s time to start the garden up, and I get to thinking out loud about who goes where in the dirt.  Companion planting is a cool thing for us organic-type gardeners, because if plants can be happy together, they are much healthier.  Having healthy plants means more yield and fewer problems with bugs and diseases.

Onions exude chemicals that prevent beans, peas, and other legumes from making nitrogen in the soil with their toes. If you’ve ever yanked a bean plant out of the dirt, you might have noticed the rhizomes (little round bumps) on the roots. Well, the beans do NOT have tumors.  The rhizomes are where the action is:  bean-friendly bacteria live there and make nitrogen for the bean plants and anyone else who happens to be nearby.  That is, unless the onions are in town. Then they just sit there, remaining all tiny and twiddling their toes.

Cabbage and its relatives (broccoli, cauliflower, brussels sprouts, etc.) love those onions, because they help keep the cabbage butterflies away, and also keep the aphid population down. Both of those bugs love their cabbage, but, like beans, most bugs also hate onion breath.

Corn says thank you to the beans and peas for being there and doing the cool nitrogen toe jam thing. The beans and peas give the corn a high five for wind protection and shade. Corn plants also make nice poles for peas and runner beans to hang on to.  Between the corn rows, squash or pumpkins get the shade they like, and they in turn shade the corn’s roots and keep them cool. Everybody happy.

On the other hand, you have marigolds. OK, maybe you don’t. Those can go near anything. All the vegetable clans love marigolds, and they even stimulate growth.  My kinda plants!

Grandmas and Grandpas used to know lots of this stuff, and Native Peoples were very much in tune to companion planting.  Farm and garden chemical companies would love for you to forget all about that stuff though.   Those fancy commercials showing folks winning cool prizes for big veggies do tend to get one’s attention. Unfortunately, chemical companies are conveniently quiet about the nasty stuff  flowing into our lakes and streams when herbicides and pesticides are washed out of our dirt during a good rain.

But fear not, organic produce are finally becoming “more mainstream. ‘People are “discovering” that when the pilgrims found the Indians were growing pumpkins in their corn, it was no accident.

A big reason I like this kind of gardening is that I’m basically a cheapskate. Hey, what’s the sense in buying fertilizer when you can get it for free? All those coffee grounds, veggie peels, and just about any food garbage (except meat) makes great compost, which builds strong plant bodies 127 ways. Sure, you can put down some Green Thumb Remarkable Powder and grow just about anything in sand, but like I said, as soon as it rains, that stuff runs off during a rain, causing big pollution problems.  Compost boosts organic matter in the soil.  When I started my garden here in the ancient year of 1982, my garden plot was basically Michigan beach sand.  Now, after years of tilling many loads of leaves, composted manure, and cover crops into the soil, I have some nice rich sandy loam.  Everybody knows how things grow in black dirt.  And why use herbicides when you can plop down a mess of leaves or hay around the plants to keep the weeds down?

Back to the beans a second (uh-oh, he’s gonna get weird again). I know some people who agree with beans about the onions. Some folks just can’t stand onions or the smell of them. Might say something like, “No kissy face for you until you brush them chompers!”   Onions and beans are great food things. I love them both, and regard them as almost cosmic. Of course, there is a by-product of eating too much of either:  methane. In its natural state, methane is colorless and odorless.  When generated  by human food eating machines,  it is often released with a “PHOOT!!” noise and can have a rather diSTINKtive odor.

HOLY COW!! I JUST HAD A BRAIN-FART!!  We may be able to achieve world peace with this combination!  Get regiments of bean eaters, right?  March them into enemy territory two or three hours after the whole bunch of them cram a few truckloads of bean burritos laced with onions in their faces. No troops in their right mind would try to fight against anyone during such a gas attack.  We’re talking victory with no chemical weapons here!  Peace could be had without firing a shot, except for the occasional audible report from those burrito eaters.  The only hitch would be to strictly enforce an important rule, which would need to be posted with very large placards:

ABSOLUTELY NO SMOKING ALLOWED.

So the moral of the story is: if you must plant beans and onions together, plant them in your tummy, not in the dirt.

And please, always remember to visualize whirled peas.

I was in the U-Scan (self checkout) at our local grocer yesterday, and a young lady in the other aisle said, “tomorrow’s Earth Day, Mom.”  Being the smarty pants that I am, I blurted out, “EVERY day is Earth Day.”

What can I say?  I just can’t help it.

Can it really be the April 22 was the 40^th Earth Day already?  Holy Carp I’m getting up there.  I was 16 in 1970.  Sheesh, seems like last week.  I wondered what ever became of the Earth Day flag.  I found a picture of it on line, but I can’t post it because it has a copyright warning and I’m too lazy to ask permission.   However, you can click on this link and go look for yourself:

http://www.inhabitat.com/wp-content/uploads/earthdayflag2.jpg

I’d love to say I’m all warm and fuzzy about the progress we’ve made, but there’s so much more to do.  I want to scream every time I see someone with bottled water.  Of course, I’m not interested in banning bottled water completely.  There are times when it’s the easiest way to get safe drinking water like during a disaster, etc.  But most of the time, bottled water is a big fat waste.   Many times the source is municipally treated water.  In other words, it’s tap water in a plastic bottle (made from petroleum), which gets shipped many miles from to a place that already has municipally treated water.

Then you have that silly crop way too many people are raising at home:  the lawn.  Chemicals, water, exotic seed, and machines to make it grow and cut it down are consuming ridiculous amounts of energy and causing unnecessary pollution.  You may ask, “so, Mr. Tree Hugger Hippie Freak, are you for banning lawns too?”  Well let’s put it this way, I’m married and my beautiful girlfriend likes to have a lawn.  So yes, I’m for banning lawns but I’m too chicken not to grow one at our house.  Fortunately, though, we’ve made a truce and we don’t use any chemicals at all, but we do mow it.  Still, it makes absolutely no sense to me that we humans spend so much effort raising a crop we don’t eat.

As far as crops we DO eat, the chemical companies and large agribusiness firms are still pretty much keeping a strangle hold in the food business.   However, farmer’s markets are thriving more and more each year, and the customers are favoring organically grown veggies and fruits.  At our  house, we’ve been growing produce organically for almost 37 years (which coincidentally is how long we’ve been married).   I can’t help but think the chemical firms and the large corporate farms are suppressing news reports about organically grown food.  Once in awhile though, you actually hear the “scientific discovery” that organically grown food is healthier and much more Earth friendly.

We are getting a little better with more efficient cars.  However, we are also still affluent enough that several of us humans choose monster trucks and fancy cars that are not meant for fuel efficiency.  Compared to Europe, our mass transit system barely exists.  We could conserve a lot of fuel by switching from trucks to trains.   Here in the U.S. we’ve converted way too many railways into bike paths.  And no, I’m not trying to ban bike paths, but trains are a very efficient means of transport.   We’re still way too dependent on fossil fuels, but we’re making progress there (albeit painfully slowly).

And what about turning of the stinkin’ lights when they’re not in use??  Not just at home… Mom and Dad always yelled at us to turn lights off so most of us are pretty much conditioned to do that.  Ever go past a shopping mall after 9 p.m. (or later)?  The lights are all going full blast.  Holy Carbon Footprint, Batman!!

Sheesh.

I could go on and on, but here’s one more completely wasteful human activity:  WAR. What a huge waste of energy, natural resources, and of course human lives.   Of course, let’s not forget the pollution that is caused from explosions and other chemical assaults on ourselves and our poor planet.  You may ask, “so, Mr. Tree Hugger Hippie Freak, are you for banning wars too?”   A MILLION TIMES: YES!!  War, pure and simple, is a form of hell on Earth and must be banned forever.

OK so I’m a dreamer.  It’s a dirty job but somebody’s gotta do it (yell about banning war I mean).  And I’m sure I’m not alone on that one.

Well folks, Happy Earth Day, Every Day, Every Year. Please do something nice for your Mother (Nature) very soon.

Some of you kids may remember this song.  The video is a bit fuzzy, but it appears to be made by Spirit, the band who recorded it way back when.

Peace!!

Here I am again crying in my dog food about the driving ninnies. Sure glad the snow is gone! Now we can be treated to much better driving conditions and won’t have to worry about sliding into the ditch as we leave our driveway. No more hitting the windshield with a sledgehammer to remove those pesky chunks of ice. I’ve even had the chance to crank the windows DOWN and the tunes UP. Coolness!

Of course, with every silver cloud comes a grey lining. Warm weather kicks in a well known ailment in some people. Officially, I just named this disease auto-idiotica, and many of you know this age-old affliction as, “hey you with the Cracker Jacks driver’s license!!”

You know what I mean. Stupid flameheaded wombats that believe they’re the only ones on the road. You are in their way, so watch carefully during the warm weather months. These people have dog breath and improper grooming habits, and are EVERYWHERE. Some symptoms are: weaving in and out of traffic, severe tailgate-itis, driving 130 mph over the limit, and passing on the right on a two lane road. At intersections. While honking. Although they are ignorant of the fact, idiot drivers have chicken lips, and are known to cavort with barnyard animals during Mardi Gras.

Used to be a time when moronic motorists were restricted to the male population. Unfortunately, however, women are learning from us dudes, and are beginning to do the “tailgate-till-you-move” dance when you’re going less than 85 mph in the right lane on the expressway. It never matters that you’re already going five over the limit and are sanely going past Grandma and Grampa Sightseer. But as far as numbers, dumdum boy drivers still far outnumber dodo girl drivers.

I’m still truly compressed by the number of mush-minded monkeys that try to pull the trim off my car as they fly past me on the expressway. Hey, the limit in Michigan is already 70. Nobody really needs to go more than 75, ok? It just ain’t safe! Sure, you can go, but try to safely miss that deer or broken car. Problem with me, I guess, is that I’m getting to be an old fart. At least some kids would label me so. But because I’m over 50 I remember the high speed limits from the beforetimes. You know,before the Arab oil embargo (say wha??). A lot of people raced around back then, and ended up being “dead on time.” During the embargo, Tricky Dick (President Nixon for you youngsters) and his friends pushed a nationwide maximum speed limit of 55 mph to save fuel. Silly guy… not only did we save fuel but also lots of lives. But then the oil started flowing again and the speed limits went back up; and the lunatics again raced about on the roads.

Very sad, the road rage that is spreading these days.  Too many people in a terrible hurry.  And of course if you are “in their way” they will show the likes of you.  Especially if you drive a small foreign car like I do:

“Watch this, rice burner person! Watch while I remove a few thousand miles worth of wear by vaporizing the surface of my tires! Watch how well I can ruin my transmission! Ha ha! I shall show the likes of you! I’ll accelerate wildly so I can tailgate the next jerkface who has the nerve to drive courteously!! Then I’ll pass on the right, and also on the left. But just to show you I mean business, I’ll wait for oncoming traffic and barely pull back in on time! Ha ha! I listen to the COOLEST music very loudly and am ruining my hearing with 92 inch woofers! Boy are you stupid!!”

Such intelligent beings are often mystified when they receive a ticket. After all, it was not their fault they were going 84 that day, because that cop is NEVER there! Or… they run the same stop sign all the time, BECAUSE THEY LIVE THERE and there’s NEVER ANY TRAFFIC.

I don’t want the reader to get any funny ideas about the possibility that reckless driving scares me or anything. It PETRIFIES me. Wanna know why? Because I used to be a Mr. Moron Motorist! Been there, done that! Thank God I never hurt anyone. I did, however, manage to rack up many tickets in younger days. Too many. But boy, the insurance company was happy with me!! I wanted to continue driving, and they were only too happy to take lots of my money in exchange for minimal coverage.

Lucky for me, I learned; albeit the hard way. Haven’t had even so much as a parking ticket for over 28 years. This is a good thing. I can breathe much more easily, and so can my wallet. It’s always empty anyway, but at least it’s not red when I put a nice, crisp dollar bill in there.

I keep my eyes peeled for the loonies now, and know pretty much what they’re gonna do when they get near me. I just stay out of their way and let them go by. Safer that way. I paid my dues, and I’m sure they’ll pay theirs in one form or another. These days I’m content with putting my cruise on 65 MPH so I can keep my fuel consumption at a lousy 40 mpg (Ha, ha ha you Hummer peoples, I laugh to you).

Anybody seen the keys to my rice burner?

Well, after all that ranting, I went hunting for a video to post. Found this one on YouTube and found it rather amusing.

We live in a swamp.  Bear Swamp, to be precise.  It’s not called Bear Swamp much these days, but the elders of the community informed us of the name some years back when my beautiful wife and I were attending a Cub Scout dinner.  We got to chatting with some friendly old timers sitting near us, and they asked, “so where ’bouts do you live??”  When we told them, they said, “oh yes, you live in Bear Swamp.”  They know that Bear Creek (pronounced “crick” unless you’re a city dweller) runs through our property, and they also know that we are in a low spot.  And we know very VERY well that if it thaws quickly in the spring, we get water.  We are also very much aware of why many people around here don’t have basements.  And if they do, they definitely have a sump pump, and their house’s foundation sticks up at least three blocks above the ground.

Living in a swamp can have its advantages though, believe it or not.  First and foremost, we will likely never run out of water.  Several times over the years when storms have killed the power, we’d just take the wheel barrow down to the creek and fill several 5-gallon buckets to use for flushing the toilet.  Don’t have to dig very far to make a pond, either.  Since animals love water, we share our property with lots of wildlife.  One of our favorite types of wildlife that appears this time of year is spring peepers.  The song they sing is a sure sign that the warm weather is not far away.

For those of you who have the terrible misfortune of not knowing peepers, they are little frogs that make loud “peep” noises when the snow is all gone.  There are times when the little froggies are singing so loudly, you can hardly hear yourself think.   They are singing even as I write this.  Can’t you hear them??? In a few weeks, the toads will be joining in with their high pitched “whirrrrrrr” call.  Last but not least are the bullfrogs.  We love their song dearly.  Sure you can’t hear them???  Oh wait.  you probably don’t live in a swamp.  Well, I have a little treat for you… click here to listen toThe Lovely Song of Spring Peepers and Their Friends

One drawback of spring, however, is the appearance of land mines all over our yard.  Anyone here let their dogs outside to go potty?  Raise your hands… Well, here in Bear Swamp, we are borrowing 5 acres of land.  I say borrowing, because I believe like the Native Americans did:  nobody owns land, we borrow it from the Creator while we’re living on it.  Musky Da Husky would run to the North Pole and back if we let him loose outside, so he gets hooked up to a 50 foot chain when he has to go potty.  All this is great when there’s snow.  He goes outside, he poops in the snow, the poop disappears and ultimately freezes.  Frozen dog poop is suitable for being stepped on, because not only is it invisible (buried in the snow) but it doesn’t stick to your shoe.  And the snow makes a wonderful cloaking device for doggie doo.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Fine with us.

Then comes the spring thaw, crocuses, pussy willows, and the peepers.  But what to our wondering eyes did appear but eight thousand dog doodies over there and over here!!  Gack! And thawed dog dirt is not at all pleasant to walk on.  It can reduce a grown man to tears when the horrible “squish” moment arrives, and then of course the stench rises up into your nostrils.  Interesting, the physics of dog logs.  Well kinda I guess.  But now that I think about it, I’m strangely intrigued about why a big gob of hound dookey stinks to high heaven right after you step in it.  I mean, if it stunk that badly before you got it all over your new Nikes, you’d be less likely to walk where the canine caca is, right??  You’d get a big nose alarm and if you had any experience at all with stepping in dog crap, you’d take evasive action.

Maybe mutts are in a conspiracy, and they coat their logs with some sort of protective membrane that seals in the poopy aroma until we break the seal with our tootsies.  Who knows?  All I know for sure is that our husky can make the lawn a very dangerous place to walk in a very short time.  Sure he looks innocent enough, but I am beginning to wonder whether he intentionally makes little land mines out of poop especially for us.

We also have cats, and they go outside and actually bury their poop!  Such a novel concept!  Musky… do you see what the kitty is doing?  Pay attention boy!  No don’t dig it up and eat it!!!  Sheesh!!

So we live in a swamp.  With the snow gone, we’re basically living in The Land of Peepers and Poopers.  After writing all that stuff about dog doo, now my mind is wondering what happens to peeper poop.

Well OK, maybe I’d rather not know.