Kakahead

“Hand me that pitchfork, will you? I hate to do this while you’re here, but I gotta take care of something before I forget,” I said to my urban friend. He followed me to the far west side of the garden and saw the huge hulk in the distance. When we reached the immense carcass, my friend stood back as I plunged the tines of my pitch fork into it. I lifted a thick layer of skin off the beast, exposing its insides.  Warm, dank steam rose from within, and I smiled as we watched its innards wriggle about vigorously. My friend gasped with amazement and exclaimed, “Good God, it’s alive!”

Well, it’s not completely alive, but really a pile of dead things.  But, there are things living on the dead stuff.  The wriggly things are alive, but the dead stuff is dead. But that’s what makes it so grand. If the wriggly things that ate the dead stuff died, it wouldn’t be nearly as wonderful. Are you getting disgusted yet?? Before you toss your cookies, let me tell you I’m talking about turning a compost pile. But honestly now, if I mentioned compost in the first paragraph, would you have read this far?

Ok. Bear with me, and I’ll make the compost adventure as interesting as possible. At least, as interesting as a heap of rotting veggie matter can be. With all the hoopla about recycling, and the interest in homegrown vegetables, I just wanted to say a few words on my V to V Converter. Say what now?? Vegetable to Vegetable Converter. The compost pile.  You know… you take dead vegetables and recycle them into new ones.

Alright, I’ll quit speaking in code. Compost makes sense, even for folks with small yards. Obviously, it’s not really practical in a high rise apartment complex, but some maverick city folk are raising corn and such on rooftops, so you never know. Compost is primo fertilizer, and it’s “free.” The only cost is your time, and whatever you paid for the veggies and fruits from which the compost is made.

Find a nice spot with no trees or bushes in the immediate vicinity, and declare it Compost World. Trees and bushes love compost, so if you pile it on their tootsies, they’ll fill it with their rootsies. Try to find a place that gets some shade, because compost likes to be kept somewhat cool. If you can’t find shade, not to worry.  You can just add lots of fluffy stuff (like leaves) on top for insulation.  Wire fence all around it is kinda neat too. If space is a problem, you may want to buy or build a compost maker. Those even come with instructions!

I have a compost pile, size large, which didn’t come with instructions. The basic “cooking” compost pile is made of alternating layers of carbonaceous (brown) and nitrogenous (green) material. Ya, right. So what the heck is that, huh?  Carbonaceous stuff is just about any plant matter that is dead, brown, dried up, deceased, and not even remotely fresh or happy. Sawdust, leaves, pine needles, or straw are some examples. Put about six or more inches of that stuff down to start.  Cover with about six inches of nitrogenous stuff:  kitchen scraps like fruit and veggie waste, coffee grounds, and tea bags for example. We chuck that stuff in a bucket and dump it when it’s full. Also full of nitrogen are freshly picked weeds or grass clippings. And not to forget manure, but only that from vegetarian critters like moo cows or goat sheeps.  Some folks also use chicken manure with good result.  Aside from all that, you can throw in some eggshells for “lime.” Don’t use eggs, just the shell.

WARNING!! DANGER!! DO NOT USE MEAT OR DAIRY STUFF

OF ANY KIND IN YOUR COMPOST!

This is because:

A) It can breed disease that will literally make you sick, and

12) It might attract critters to your compost, and then THEY will get sick if they eat the rotten meat.  Now, fish are a slightly different story. Fish are good plant food, but put them straight in the ground. Six inches is a good depth, to keep the kitties from digging them up.  But please, no composting of fishies allowed.  Back to the pile, Gomer. Oops, sorry! Not punny.

Is it an absolute must to make the pile with layers? No, but layers of brown and green make chemical things happen.  The pile gets warm and steamy! This kicks off the compost process with a bang, hence the term “cooking.”  After it cools, the earthworms and other plant-crud eaters move in to wriggle about and chow down on the goodies.  Dead stuff comes alive with creepy-crawlies who are all in cahoots to party down on your yard and kitchen waste. All you have to do is make sure the sun doesn’t dry the pile out. The critters like to eat moist stuff, just like most of us prefer a little milk on our cereal. Moist is the key word here, soggy is bad. You may need to water it occasionally, but if the top layer is thick with brown stuff, it will probably be just fine.

You can let the pile sit, but you’ll hit pay dirt (ha ha… pay dirt… get it??) faster if you use a pitchfork to turn it once a week or so. Just stab the hulk with your pitch fork and toss it like a giant salad.  Top it off with more layers if you have the stuff, or just keep dumping your kitchen waste on the pile. When there’s some that’s all dark and crumbly (usually at the bottom of the pile), it’s ready to be fed to your plant friends. Water your plants first, then tell them to open wide for some food that will make them big and strong.  Then while they’re not looking, put a nice layer of compost on their toes.  Compost works best if you keep the living dead stuff alive (right, there he goes again). In other words, put some leaves or grass clippings on top of the compost to keep it moist. Dried compost just ain’t no good for nuttin’, Honey.

So there. I did it and I’m glad. I gave you the whole rotten story. Dead stuff that’s alive, HAH! Well, anyway, happy gardening. And may your garbage can swell less and less each week.

OK now for the video… I don’t have any livestock (except 2 cats and a dog); but if I did I’m sure Betty would help keep them out of mischief.