Kakahead

OK, my father didn’t really smell of elderberries.  But he was the one who first told me about these lovely fruits of Nature when I was very young.  I remember when I first tasted them I found them a little less than wonderful.  However if you catch them at just the right time they are palatable.  Trouble is, the “right time” can slip away very quickly.  They ripen slowly over many weeks and then kaboom!! they explode on you as you walk along the trail.  Well OK maybe there’s no kaboom!! Seriously, they are only in their prime for a few days and then they become bitter.

If you’ve never met an elderberry, well a very nice plant posed for me while I took its picture as you can see here:

A cluster of elderberries poses for a photo.

Notice how the stems holding the berries are purple.  That’s when you know they’re ripe.  If the stems are green but the berries are dark purple, they’ll still be OK, but elderberry prime time is when the stems are also purple.

Elderberries have been used for eons, both for medicinal and culinary purposes.  Personally I’m trying to start a “revival” of the use of elderberries.  I say “revival,” because for many moons I would mention to people, “I picked a mess of elderberries over the weekend.”  They would smile politely and then ask, “what are elderberries??”  Many have heard about them in songs and whatnot, but it seems that the vast majority of people have not noticed them at all, much less picked them.  Here in west Michigan we are blessed with lots of water, and elderberries really like living near water

Last weekend I walked with Musky Da Husky along the bike trail in Montague and got a nice picking of elderberries.  By the way, if you ever get the notion to pick them, DO NOT be silly and try to pick them one at a time.  You’ll go crazy I tell you!!  You’ll be working for hours and get maybe a few cups of berries.  The best way I’ve found is to cut the berry clusters from the plant and drop them in your shopping bag.  Those plastic grocery bags from the store are perfect for this, but make sure you take some that don’t have any holes in the bottom.  Bring a pair of scissors or maybe a pocket knife and cut the berry cluster at the stem that connects it to the plant.  Oh, and please follow this very important rule:  always leave some for the birds.

Thank you.

Then take them home when you get your quota and prepare to spend at least an hour processing about a gallon of berries off the stems and into a container.  I find it good meditation to pick up the clusters one at a time and roll the berries off the stem gently with your fingers.  Your fingers get a bit purple from this, but it’s not permanent.  If you’re lucky like me you may have a beautiful and devoted spouse who will actually help process the berries.  After we’re done, we just chuck them in the freezer.  When you want to use the, just bonk them a little to loosen them up and then scoop what you need out of the freezer bag.

So why go through all this hassle?  Well folks, there’s simply nothing quite like elderberry pie with a glob of Breyer’s vanilla ice cream on top.  Making the pie is at least 197% easy.   First of all, I’m not ashamed to admit that I cheat on the crust.  I buy the crusts at the store from the dairy case.

Hey if you want to make your own crust, knock yourself out.  I mean that figuratively of course.  Wouldn’t be very pleasant if you really knocked yourself out.  Lots of people have told me that “crust is easy!!”  Looks to messy to me.  I’m a wuss, OK??

Other than that, I follow the same recipe for elderberry pie as I do for blueberry:

3 to 4 cups of elderberries

1/2 cup of sugar

1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon

1 1/2 tablespoon of flower

1 drizzling of honey

Mix these up in a bowl and pour them into a 9 inch deep dish pie pan with crust.  Take a spoon and fill the rest of the pie with more berries until you’ve filled the pie pan.  Then drizzle the top with just a bit of honey, and this is because elderberries are quite tart and just a little more sweetening is a good touch but certainly not necessary.  Cover the pie with the other cheating crust and poke some holes in it so the steam will vent out.  Cook in the oven at about 350 or 400 till the crust is nice and brown, or about 45 minutes.

I’ve also been known to make what I call “bluederberry pie,”  in which I mix 1 part elderberries to 3 parts blueberries.  Oh my, that’s good!

Then the fun part:  STUFF YOUR FACE!!  MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

So enjoy your elderberries, but don’t delay, they are coming on strong right now and will be gone before you know it.  And if you don’t want any of such silly treats, that’s just fine.

That’s more for me!!

Now, regarding my father.. he was a full blooded Norwegian, so he probably smelt more of lingonberries, or perhaps even cod.  However, one of my favorite “insults” that I occasionally steal and send to people via e-mail comes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  One of my favorite movies of all time contains a boisterous proclamation from John Cleese:  “Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!!”

Here’s a fun clip:

Many moons ago, before the rock stars died, there lived a Tyrannosaurus Rex that played Jeepster.  And they rocked the house many times, and it was pretty darn good.  And yes, maybe I’m speaking in code, but those of you who grew up when I did may actually know that all that means.

Those were the 1970s, when technology was a bit different than today, and when people wanted to go somewhere they used a very strange method:  they used maps.

Now we have GPS units readily available and pretty inexpensive, too.  More and more people are abandoning maps (and lots of other non-electronic things) for computerized toys.  I’m beginning to wonder if the ability to read a map is slowly becoming a lost art.

Mind you, I am a self confessed road atlas addict.  Ever since I’ve owned a car, I’ve made really sure there was a Rand McNally Road Atlas stashed in it somewhere.   I mean hey kids, I don’t really care what language your GPS unit will use to tell you what turn to take.  Maps are the cat’s meow in my universe.  As I’ve gotten older I even have extended my map collection to a Michigan County Maps atlas.  Now that’s livin’ large in my world.

Friends are often surprised to learn that I have absolutely no desire to get a GPS for my car; especially since I commute 56 miles one way to work.  They figure such a device could come in handy when the snows or an accident bring traffic to a crawl and I seek an alternate route.  And since they know I work in computer support, they are often baffled by my lack of interest in the latest cool electronic doohickey.

Well yes, I work in the computer field, but although technology provides me with a pretty good living; gadgets have ceased to amaze me.  Don’t get me wrong, I think toys can be cool.  I just don’t need any more junk.  I’m guilty of owning plenty of stuff that’s not exactly eco-friendly:  televisions, a computer, cell phone, etc.  Don’t kid yourselves folks, none of these devices are completely recyclable.   Some of it simply cannot be reused.    So, my philosophy is to buy the best quality stuff I can so it will last lots of years.  Conversely, my philosophy is NOT to buy stuff that will become obsolete quickly.

As far as the GPS stuff goes, my lovely girlfriend and I actually enjoy taking a wrong turn every now and again.  Brings a little adventure into our lives; and helps us hone our map reading skills.   OK I admit I did ask for a GPS for Christmas one year; but it’s the kind that will never need batteries.  It sits on top of my dashboard and gives me a general idea which way I’m headed.  You may have seen one before, here’s a picture of mine:

Never needs batteries!

As you may have guessed, this particular GPS is also called a compass. Some of you may say, “umm… Ken, that’s not a GPS.”  Well of course it is; my friend Dave at work told me so.  When I was joking about “my new GPS” after Santa brought it to me, he said, “well yeah… it’s a General Pointing System!”

Comes in very handy; especially when I get stuck in traffic.  If I’m on my way home from where I work in Grand Rapids (Michigan), and run into some heavy traffic, I just zig and zag until the car is pointed west.  Pretty hard to go too far west here in Michigan unless you have an amphibious car.  So even if I’m totally confused; as long as I can get to the Lake Michigan shoreline I can find my way home from there.

I stay on the roads though… unlike some of my Jeepster owning friends.  I don’t really like the practice but a few of my friends have Jeeps or maybe Toyota Landcruisers that will go places where my car would never be able to visit.  So I’m a Jeepster of a different kind… a GPSter.  I’ll still pronounce it “Jeepster” though, because I love the song.

Which song??  Remember that Tyrannosaurus Rex I mentioned at the beginning of this silly story?

This song:

It’s the “dog days” of summer; and we are enjoying very warm weather here in West Michigan.  Lots of folks are complaining about the heat of course; but that always seems funny to me.  After all, we know that winter will be here way too soon; and even though I have Norwegian blood in me this Viking would rather sweat than shiver any day.

Last year it was cool and wet… most gardens did very poorly and lots of folks lost their tomatoes to blight.  THIS YEAR… sheesh!!  My garden is starting to look like a rain forest!  The tomatoes are getting taller than me, the squash, pumpkins, watermelon and honey rock vines want to take over every square foot of land I have it would seem.  And the kale, swiss chard, okra and collards are simply huge.

Some of you may be saying, “kale, swiss chard, what and who??”  Yes that’s right… I said it, okra and collards.  You see, my lovely girlfriend and I were married when I was in the Air Force; and I was stationed in Tampa, Florida for three years.   Three years was definitely long enough for us to realize that Florida is a nice place to visit, but … um… we came back up north.  However, we very much enjoyed several new foods that quickly became part of our grocery list while we were there.

Yellow grits (white grits just don’t have the flavor in my professional opinion), hominy, black beans and rice, collards, okra, mangoes, guavas, mmmmmmmmm my mouth is watering just thinking about them.  Needless to say, when we go back to visit, we stock up on the stuff we can’t get here in Michigan.

I was truly delighted to learn that even though we have a much shorter growing season than Florida does, if we have a decent summer we can grow our own okra and collards pretty easily.   Collards have achieved their own special place at the southern dinner table; and we northerners often enjoy them when on vacation.  But some folks up this way just can’t venture into okra territory.  We love it, and I plant some every year.  In fact, I just harvested and froze some okra, and there’s lots more coming.  Just look at these lovely plants!

Just getting started!

Funny how lots of Yankees will order something like seafood gumbo at a restaurant and then become repulsed when they learn there’s okra in it.  All too many equate okra with slime; and yes, if it’s prepared poorly it can be very slimy.   Lots of recipes that include okra will surprise even the most die-hard critics.  I mean hey, don’t knock it till you try it!!

We’ve always known okra was not only good but good for you; and before writing this I went hunting for evidence on just how good it really is.  Nutritionally speaking, okra is loaded!!  Just take a look here and see for yourself:

http://www.nutrition-and-you.com/okra.html

Anyway, I guess you either like okra or you don’t…  so if you don’t, please pass it my way.  That’s more for me!

If you’re crazy enough to actually grow okra, the Produce Lady has some nice tips for you.

Yew no, even inn this day of spell checkers and grandma checkers, lots of writing is on display awl over the place that is just plane inn correct.   Weather it’s the youse of the wrong word ore sum thing is spelt badly, computers wheel only help yew two a certain egg stent, and then hay, ewe gist half two no how to spell and yews proper grandma.  Shore, the spell checker will help yew often.  Butt if you use words that our inn the diction aerie, and their all sew spelled write, the spell checker thinks everything is honky donkey.

Oh and hay, don’t four get about  punctuation!!  Gist ask my lovely girlfriend wife person:  eye used two get total lee up set when eye saw apostrophes used badly.  Yew no, like when sum won uses one to make a word plural; witch is knot watt an apostrophe is four at awl.

Egg sample:  “Open 12 – 8 Monday’s through Friday’s”

Oh golly that makes me crazy.  OK maybe craziER.  Their should bee know apostrophe inn such play says.

ANYWAY… enough of such soap boxing (I never really enjoyed boxing soap anyhow).  On with the topic at hand, “Sines of the Thymes.,” like the tight Al says.  Sum of the sines yew sea these days are gist plane funny.  Haven’t seen won in a long while, butt one of my favorites over the years has been:

“HOMO MILK $249”

First of all, which homos are these that give milk??? Second of all, isn’t $249 just a wee bit steep for what I’m guessing is  a gallon of milk??? Yes, eye no they are two lay Z to putt in a decimal point.  Probably they mean $2.49 butt it steel looks pretty funny.

Beer can bee even moor expensive:

“BUD LIGHT $1899 A CASE”

Wholly carp eye say two yew, who kin a ford two bye a case of beer for $1899 or watt ever??  That’s all most the prize of a cheep car!!  Well OK knot much of a car for that kind of money these daze.  Butt yew no what eye mean.

My most favorite egg sample of a goofy sine came to me from Comedy Heaven this past weak, when I had to go to Plumbs for a few groceries.  Thanks two mod urn technology, eye was a bull two get a pretty good pitcher of it sew I could Cher it with awl of yew:

Interesting Roofing Material!!

Click on the pitcher four a better look… Is that two cool or watt??  Knot only is cheese on sale for a pretty good price, butt yew kin all sew use them to patch yore roof!!  Eye confess, I’ve never herd of shingles made of cheese bee four.  Their they were though, so I bought one pack of pepper jack and one pack of Swiss.  When I got them home I figured, watt the heck and I tried some.

THEY TASTED JUST LIKE CHEESE!!!

Knot shore how many rains they could take though… they looked pretty floppy.  Don’t think I could really walk on them either.

Well, I wheel bee on the lookout for moor funny spellings and word miss usage.  Eye reel E love thee ability two snap a photo when eye find a funny sine.  And of coarse, I’m steel a bit chagrinned when eye sea something in print that I’m pretty shore sum won checked with the spell checker but is steal a mess.  Oh well… that’s my anal retentive spelling and grandma snootiness four yew.

In the meantime, pleas have a lovely day and eye shore hope you don’t fall for those $1899 beer “sale” prices or the $249 homo milk.

SO… in keeping with the spirit of sines, hears a nice collage I found on YouTube that’s set to the music. Enjoy!