Kakahead

Hello, my name is Duncan and I enjoy eating. Everything. Especially when it tastes good and is fun to have in my mouth place food taster thing.

For why I call myself Duncan?? Well, it’s the name of a famous brand of yo-yo, and yo-yo describes the method of dieting I find most successful. I mean, there I am, minding my own business, doing rather well at the food control if I must say so myself… Then, suddenly, my pants won’t fit right anymore and I cry for ice cream and Whoppers, not necessarily in that order.

Such a pain this dieting is!! Sure, I could use the excuse that the Holiday season messed me up. After all, I DID eat more during that time. But the bottom line is that I like to eat. It’s one of my favorite hobbies. To make matters worse, I also love to cook.

I grew up before all this fat consciousness stuff started, so I became rather fond of such horrible things as butter and gravy. Mom cooked the veggies until they fell apart, and smothered them with margarine. Of course, when I got out on my own with big money to burn, butter was the only logical choice of healthy fat. After all, I reasoned, it comes straight from the cow. It MUST be good! And it is!! It’s completely yummy. Much better than margarine any day, and the more the health experts discover about hydrogenated oils (also known as trans-fats), the better I feel about butter.

On the other hand, you have greasy fingers and the dreaded Dunlop disease (belly done lopped over the belt). My wife and I got really disciplined for awhile there, and even went out on a limb to try that “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray. Not too bad! The ingredients aren’t all that intimidating either, which is pretty refreshing. We still use it, too, but I confess the butter still creeps in every now and again. Moderation is the key, and that works really well when we practice it.

My only gripe about products like “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” is that they contribute to the already overpopulated world of diet gimmicks. I mean, what’s next? I Can’t Believe It’s Not Peanut Butter spray might be pretty neat, don’t you think? Or how about some I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Pork Chop? Or Gravy? Doggone it!! I love those things, and although I refuse to abstain from them completely, I know that I can’t have as much as I might have eaten, say, fifteen years ago. I vaguely remember a time when I could eat just about anything and not gain an ounce.

But I may have been dreaming…

This year our Nazi Health Insurance Providers are promising to reduce our “enhanced benefits” (which are pretty crummy) if we don’t get our Body Mass Index below 30. So I showed those stinky heads, I got off my hiney and got with the program. As a result, an amazing epiphany flew into my brain: when I behave myself and eat correctly and couple that with exercise, I get good blood pressure readings and I feel great. So, my new frame of mind is to remove the concept of dieting from my brain thing and insert the brilliant idea of life change. It all boils down to the fact that if I choose to take care of myself, I can get eventually get off the blood pressure meds. Also, “I’m on a diet,” by nature, insinuates something much more temporary than, “I’m changing my lifestyle.”

Ah well. Back to the carrots and celery for snacking time. Oh, and not to forget the yogurt with rolled oats, and the walnuts with raisins for protein rather than greaseburgers. I’m not complaining, believe it or not; because I love fruits, nuts and my veggies too. For me, eating more natural foods help me feel much better than the gimmick foods. Besides, I feel better about buying them because they are much more ecologically friendly than spray bottles and such.

Only problem with me is, sometimes the natural foods just don’t satisfy a craving so good. I mean, when you’ve had a stressful day at work or whatever, who in their right mind will say, “My day stunk. What I need is some celery!!”? Not this boy. It would be, “I NEED CHOCOLATE!!” Or ICE CREAM. Or A SHAKE!! These are the things that soothe the savage arteries!

I stopped in to say HI to the guys in the Maintenance Department today and they were having pizza.

The aroma wooed my nostrils and my brain started making this MMMMMMMMMMMMMM sound inside my head.

They are my friends. They asked, “hey Ken, you want a piece of pizza?”

I replied, “oh yeah… but I may as well put it right on my butt because that’s were it’ll end up!!” (I didn’t take any.) (Honest!!)

It’s important to enjoy such treats once in awhile, but deep down inside I know I’ll just have to play nice and be a good boy. I’m not getting any younger, and I still have lots to do on the planet yet. So, I have enough common sense to understand that if I clog my circulatory system with goop, I may not be smelling much coffee during the new millenium.

I’ll just have to invent some I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Snickers Bar spray!!

Now Woody, on the other hand, had a much different food issue…