Kakahead

Just when we thought “we’d seen it all,” yet another internet virus has been spreading like wildfire. However, the latest “computer bug” is the first known case of an organic pathogen that can actually infect humans. Infection is caused via skin contact with an internet connected computer or mobile device. Nicknamed “cyberflu,” what researchers know as the C18x virus has been propagating through e-mail servers in the eastern half of the US. The virus, although not deadly, causes great discomfort and is likely to become a worldwide pandemic if corrective measures are not quickly found.

What’s unique about the C18x virus is the recently discovered transmission method of electronic osmosis. I don’t profess to know the exact technical details of all this, but here’s a quote from the CDC’s Electrocybotics Lab in Atlanta:

“Effective immediately: we recommend issuing a precautionary warning to all computer users to wash their hands before and after using any internet-connected computing device. The C18x influenza virus has been known to travel across vast distances electronically and manifesting contagions on keyboards, computer mouse surfaces and other peripherals. Accidental ingestion of C18x virii can cause symptoms of nausea and other gastrointestinal discomfort within 37 hours of infection.”

As of this writing, the origin of the virus is not verified but researchers suspect that infected food processing plants that use artificial food coloring agents may be a likely source. According to electrocybotic researcher Dr. Javier Montenegro, “this appears to be the brainchild of a disgruntled whistleblower scientist whose warnings about artificial coloring in food went unheeded by industry executives during the late 1980s.” Dr. Montenegro refused to offer the indentity of the whistleblower, as legal actions are already being pursued and therefore cannot be discussed publicly. However, he went on to say, “after repeated warnings of adverse effects of food coloring compounds were ignored, the scientist became withdrawn and quit her job a few years ago.”

Little more was mentioned about food coloring agents until recently, when copies of a rather scathing letter arrived on the desks of several industry execs ordering them to “stop producing artificially colored foods or suffer dire consequences.”

Dr. Montenegro and his colleagues were alerted about the written threat shortly thereafter. Only eight days later, workers in various food processing plants began getting flu-like symptoms. “We believe she infected them remotely,” Dr. Montenegro stated. “She basically ‘threw the switch’ and zapped some of her least favorite factories with C18x using electronic osmosis technology. We’re guessing she genetically engineered an ordinary bird-flu strain of influenza and injected into her home computer network circuitry; then sent it via spyware infected e-mails to her former employers and their peers.”

The magnitude of the C18x is not easily downplayed. As the CDC’s Electrobiotics lab stated yesterday, “computerized manufacturing machinery in such factories could easily spread C18x throughout the factory via electronic osmosis in a very short amount of time. Since many computers in a typical factory are connected to the internet, that would also explain the rapid spread of the virus. If left unchecked this could quickly become a global pandemic.”

Recent reports have already cited artificial food coloring agents as a possible cause for behavioral problems in children. Other ill effects of artificially coloring foods have long been suspected, including damage to our immune systems. If Dr. Montenegro’s theory is proven, significant vigilance should be taken by parents of school age children. Pre-adolescent youths now spend much of their time using computers. In the US, this age group is also known to consume snack foods; many of which contain artificial colors. Consequently, our young people’s immune systems may already be compromised; leaving them even more susceptible to the hazards of a C18x infection.

“Similar susceptibility exists with elderly populations, who also may have fragile immune systems,” according to Dr. Montenegro. “One should be especially wary while visiting social networking sites,” he added. “Any doctor, nurse, or even mother knows that wherever large numbers of people congregate, the possibility of catching something increases.”

As I learn more about this nasty bug I will be happy to share it with you. In the meantime, I’ll be sanitizing my PC (and everything connected to it) on a regular basis and I would strongly advise all those I love to do the same.