Kakahead

Holy Hemoglobin, Batman!  There are vampires lurking outside!!  I narrowly escaped having every last corpuscle removed.  I ran to the garlic patch and yanked off some of the greenery and stuffed it into my face.  Chewy chewy chewy… “ooooey gack” you say?  Well, I don’t mind a little pinch of garlic between cheek and gum now and then.  As Grandma Loftus used to say, “it’s good for what ails ya.  And if nothin’ ails ya, it’s good for that too.”   And vampires are supposed to be repelled by garlic, right??  But in spite of my ingestion of Instant Vampire Be Gone, many of those little boogers kept coming back for more blood.

I’ve recorded the horrible sound they make and have put it into this here Frappy Hiday for your conjugation.  Just click right hereVAMPIRE!! Give it a moment to load, then play the horrifying recording.  I hope you can still sleep at night after listening.  That is the taunting noise they make while trying to suck the life force out of me.  It’s like they can smell me from miles away.  And I even bathe once in awhile!!  Honest!!  I’m convinced they have some sort of signaling network…

Calling all vampires!!  Dinner is served!!! He’s out here in the garden with shorts and no shirt on!  COME AND GET IT!!!

So you know what I do? Foist of awl, I pretend I don’t notice them.  Maybe let a few of them start to feed on me to get their confidence.  Then:   I smack them. I kersmoosh them into my skin. They bleed my blood. They die. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha on you, you lousy rotten vampire pigdog jerkface monsterheads!!  Sure, maybe I should drive a wooden stake into their hearts to make absolutely certain they are dead.  That’s what they do in the movies to get rid of vampires.  But judging by what’s left of their kersmooshed bodies, I don’t think they’re going to slurp any more type A negative from the likes of me.  Or anyone else, for that matter.  Besides, do you know how tiny the wooden stake would have to be on this particular breed of vampire??  Every try to drive a toothpick through the heart of a mosquito??  Or maybe a gnat??  First you need a very small hammer…

Oh jeez, I gave it away. Ah well, it’s likely you already guessed I was talking about those doggone bugs!!  Man I hate those things.  When we were kids we used to douse ourselves with OFF or Cutter’s or some other DEET spray.  Well, after learning a bit more about that stuff, I don’t like to put poison on my skin to repel those stinkyheaded dirtmonkeys.  Sometimes I use that Avon Skin So Soft, and it does work pretty well.  Much safer than DEET.  I read somewhere that eating garlic will make them less interested in you.  Seems to actually work, although not completely; so I end up getting nailed a few times.

So far I have my tomatoes, peppers and eggplants in the ground.  No, not the vegetables!!  The PLANTS, you ninny!!  Some folks think I’m nuts for putting these plants in so early, but global warming has brought a strange benefit:  I’ve been putting tomatoes and such in the ground in early May for several years now.  Just need to keep buckets ready to cover them up when the frost comes, because although it was about 80 degrees today, we’ll probably get at least one more frost before summer is official.  I can remember when putting tomato, pepper and eggplant seedlings in the ground before Memorial Day would be considered pure lunacy.  Knot enny moor!!

Got my peas and potatoes in this evening, along with some beets, Swiss chard, spinach, lettuce, and onions.  All those are way late but hey, a few weeks ago we had so much water my garden soil was like chocolate pudding.

Along with this wonderfully strange, early summer weather we’re having here in West Michigan comes bugs.  Lots of ‘em.  Of course, the fact that our house is literally on the edge of a swamp gives all those nasty flying blood suckers a really nice place to settle down and raise a family. And they are all very hungry.  And some of them had dinner on me tonight, and I have the itchbumps to prove it.  But I also smooshed quite a few of those flame headed wombats.  Dirty rotten vampire bugs!  Now they are dead.  Or are they??

Anyone have some toothpicks and a teensy-tiny hammer??

So… I was hunting for a vampire video and looky here what I found!! Boop boop e doop!!