Kakahead

In our woods of the neck, school will soon kick into high gear.  In fact, the local high school marching band is already practicing.  I could actually hear the drum line while I was working in the garden this evening!!  Brings back fond memories of marching band season, when both Mom and I were busier than cats covering up kaka on a tile floor.  This, of course, meant that time was precious and money was tight, so we didn’t always have the luxury of eating out or buying ready made meals.  If you have no kids, you have no clue about all this. Don’t worry about that though, because God loves you anyway!! If you do have kids however, my sympathies are with you and your pocketbook. Thirty-nine cents an hour just doesn’t go as far as it used to!!

Speaking of school, I’m going to grammar jail for that last sentence. That’s because “to” is a preposition, and a preposition is a word one should never end a sentence WITH.

Ha ha, I did it again!

So. Now we come to the inevitable truth… we must not only clothe these young monsters, we are actually expected to FEED THEM as well! What a lousy rip, huh?? But that’s ok.  They are tomorrow’s workforce, and I wanted to make darn sure they got really good nutrition so they can support me when I’m old and moldy. Therefore, this installment of Happy Friday is dedicated to a meal that is not only wholesome, but cheap and easy to prepare. Those of you who don’t have kids, please don’t despair. You may feel free to use this recipe for yourself, kids or no. Before I continue, let me say this: this is an ACTUAL MEAL I make with MY OWN FINGERS AND KITCHEN COOKING DOOHICKEYS. And if you don’t believe me, just ask me. Some of you may remember reading references to this very dish in previous Happy Fridays. Ok. Here we go. Hold your noses and close your eyes, you’re all in for a big surprise…

* CHICKEN COCKAMAMIE *

1 ½ cups of brown rice

WAIT!! What the HECK is brown rice??? You burn it?? You put dye in it?? Whummana heck? Ok, I’ll tell you: it’s rice that has not been raped. And no, a bad person is not out there forcing rice to have sex, so just get that out of your brain.  But white rice is not only politically incorrect, all the goodies have been stripped off to make it “pretty.” You know, like white bread. Brown rice is usually found in the store with that OTHER (white) rice, but is much more nutritious. I mean, I HATE when this rice raping happens, ya know?? Farmers spend all their waking hours growing perfectly good food, and then “modern science” goes and “refines” the perfectly good food so it looks nice and pretty and has little nutritional value, which FORCES me to write run on sentences and then scoff at those “experts” who wonder why the cancer rates are going up in the sky. Ya know what I mean???

Sorry. I get carried away. Ok, we try again…

* CHICKEN COCKAMAMIE * (pronounced KAH-kuh-MAY-mee)

1 ½ cups of brown rice                  1 cup frozen peas
2 globs of butter                            1/2 green pepper, diced
2 stalks of celery, chopped            1 bowl of cooked meat from a dead chicken
1 large onion, diced                       4 cloves of diced fresh garlic

1 bottle Kikkoman Lite soy sauce (for sprinkling… DON’T USE THE WHOLE BOTTLE FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD!!)

Ok, now for the cooking…   Get a large saucepan (I use our 4 quart Reverware pot) and heave one of the globs of butter in there.  A glob is about 1 tablespoon. I use butter because I read the ingredients on margarine and cried in the grocery store.  Then I rolled in the aisles, foaming at the mouth, clutching the margarine and mumbling, “oh no, oleo.” Well maybe not.  Butter is natural stuff. No hydrogenated oils to stick to your gall bladder, and if you use it sparingly you won’t get fat. Plus, the flavor is much better for your face and hands. Butter is made by squeezing cows. Next time you see someone squeezing a cow, do not be alarmed, it’s just time to harvest the moo juice to make butter. If someone is squeezing a bull, however, tell them to get marriage counseling. That simply is NOT natural. Unless you’re a cow.

So, you take the butter and melt it in the saucepan.  Take it off the heat and chuck the rice in there. Now cover the rice with about 12 feet of water, or maybe only 3 inches if that is more to your liking. Slam the pot back on the stove and give it the hot stuff. High heat. Make boil.  When boiling is big, reduce heat, cover and simmer until the rice is yummy and you can eat it without breaking your teeth bones. Put some Devo on the CD player and bop around until it gets to this delectable state.

Drain the rice, but leave just a little of the liquid in there. The steam will make your eyebrows happy. For why did I urge you to use butter in the pan, you wonder? Well, it prevents rice bricks. My mom made rice (white rice, I’m sad to say) and you always had to have a trowel to get it out of the pan. A dab of butter makes nice flaky rice. A dab of oil works too, but then there’s the flavor thing. Use the butter. Trust me.

Ok. Now the rice is drained and very warm.  Throw the bowlful of cooked dead chicken meat in the rice from a distance of 14 feet (or less if you are hungry and want all the meat in the rice). You may well ask, “how much is in a bowl?” Well hey, it’s YOUR BOWL, you tell me!! Just a cereal bowl full. Use as much as you like. So, throw the meat in the pot. Mix it up.  Add the diced fresh garlic (or sprinkle lots of garlic powder on it), then slosh a few glugs of  soy sauce on there. Mix it up some more. I use Kikkoman soy sauce because I believe it’s the best kind on the grocery shelves.  Only a smattering of preservatives, and the rest is all natural stuff.  I use the Lite kind because I have the high blood pressure and have to watch my sodium intake.  I’d recommend using the Lite anyhow, because nobody needs the 83 pounds of salt in the regular soy sauce.

Now get a big skillet and slam it on a burner. If you’ve had a bad day, slam it several times. NOT REALLY!!!  Melt the other butter glob in the skillet. Swirl it all around the bottom and sides, then throw in the pepper, onion, celery, peas, and miscellaneous veggies. Miscellaneous veggies are just what the name implies, and around this time of year it means whatever is still growing in the garden. Except perhaps gladioluses. I never eat those. Anymore.

Ok. Bring up the heat till you hear those delicious veggies sizzle, and stir fry them for a little while. Please don’t overcook the veggies. If they’re not a bit crisp when done, you’ve killed lots of goodies and the nutritional value of the veggies will be diminished.  Besides, mushy vegetables are kinda like wet popcorn. It just ain’t right. At least, this is my professional opinion.

Finally, dump the veggies in the rice mixture and stir one more time. Season with more soy sauce and garlic if you wish. Maybe some pepper.  There’s only one way to find out what it “needs,” and that’s the age-old custom of snitching.

Well, folks, there you have it:  Chicken Cockamamie.  With this mixture, you should have enough for four with some left over so you can pack a lunch for work. Variations include Beef or Pork Cockamamie, or you could even do Shrimp Cockamamie. And of course you can play with other types of veggies.  You may also want to sprinkle in some herbs like thyme or oregano.  Maybe even some curry!  But keep the garlic in there. As Grandma Loftus used to say, “It’s good for what ails ya. And if nothin’ ails ya, it’s good for that, too!”

Don’t like the sounds of that stuff? Perhaps you might like Chicken A La King instead. Like this kind from 1937 maybe…