Kakahead

It’s August outside, which means the annual cosmic light show is presented by the Great Cosmic Rock Throwers of the Universe.  This of course means that everyone must run for cover so they don’t get vaporized by the falling cosmic debris that will be flying around.  Be especially vigilant on August 12 and 13 when the peak activity is supposed to be happening.

Please do not be frightened, for what I am about to relate is merely cosmic truth that has occurred annually for at least 12 and maybe even 47,000.  I just don’t know.  But it’s true and that’s all there is to it.  OK??  So don’t bother me about this ever again or I’ll start up that dead bug over there.  You see that dead bug?  Well, to the untrained eye, that bug is dead.  But all I need to do is insert these tiny little electrodes in his vinkabules and he’ll be making zucchini bread in no time.  And it will be on your conscience. I hope you’re happy now.

 Now sit back and relax, and just be aware that everything you hold dear is in danger of exploding and being zoofled to smithereens.  “Of course,” some of you are probably yelling, “he’s talking about the Perseid meteor showers!!”  Many of you who are probably  saying, “what’s the deal with this guy… has he been eating Legos or something??”  Well, for those of you who are saying that, the answer is yes, and although plastic is very chewy and not very nourishing, Legos are still one of my favorite toys.  OH WAIT, they’re TOYS!!  Not for eating!?!?!  Whoops…  

 Ok.  Back to this horrible cosmic truth I’ve been ranting about.  The Perseid meteor shower is an annual occurrence, this year the best times to look for shooting stars is after midnight on August 11 through 13.  Sure, there may be some meteorites coming in on the 10th and 14th, but the peak viewing will be on the 12th, after midnight local time.  And look for them to come out of the northeastern sky.  This year’s show may be obscured a bit by the moon because it will be lighting up the sky in a big way.  But you still may see as many as two per minute, depending on how many Burger Kings or other light pollution sources you have in your neighborhood.  You could always ask the light polluters to turn the lights off, but they may not care about any stinking shooting stars.  Gotta waste energy to make money, you know.  Gotta get that global warming furnace stoked up so my next pair of sneakers burst into flames when I walk on the superheated concrete.  Thank you very much Mr. Businessman Energy Wasting Guy Who Leaves His Lights On All Stinking Night Long.

Alright, I’m sorry.  I digress.  Something I normally never do (ya, right) …

Anyway I must take this time to please ask you to protect yourselves during the meteor showers.  Always, always wear a fireproof bathrobe while you’re outside viewing meteor showers.  You may also want to flip on the force field to protect your house from the snap, crackle, KABOOM always never happens when an 85 ton meteorite lands on your chimney.  What??  You don’t have a force field???  AH HAH!  You sold it at the flea market didn’t you??  Have you no science brains?  You won’t catch me out there with no fireproof clothing… And although we don’t have a force field, I have this aluminum bat right here.  Yup, I’m gonna be up on the roof with my modified 55 gallon steel drum overalls, bat in hand, always at the ready.  When one of those fireballs puts a bead on my house, I’m gonna take that bat and smack it into Who Knows Where.  I may also keep my stainless steel umbrella handy so I don’t get clunked by a hot meteorite. 

     I also have a heat resistant meteorite gauge mounted on the fence, right next to my rain gauge.  I want to make sure I know exactly how many inches of meteors we got during the meteor showers.  Actually the meteorite gauge is there for a selfish motive… my Honey Pie didn’t want me to get a force field because she says it’s too expensive.   Once I show her a bucket full of smoking hot meteorites she’ll change her tune by golly!!

Well, hopefully you will all be able to get to clear skies and be able to see one of nature’s wonders.  There have been some years when the Perseids have been a very awesome show.  At any rate, I’ll be up on the roof, aluminum bat in hand, hoping to God that we don’t have any lightning.  

Perhaps I’ve exaggerated a bit about the danger.  But then, if you go out unprotected and get vaporized by a 729 ton meteorite, don’t come crying to me.

I hear some of the larger meteorites carry mechanical monsters from space!! Help us, Superman!!