Kakahead

That crazy Hyram C. Gilmore guy… sheesh!!  Last week he wrote to all of you that he can control the weather by throwing coat hangers at the sun.  Rather silly of course.  However, we did have some very nice weather for February last week.  Could it be his crazy rantings and throwings actually had some effect??

Nah…

So there I was at work today, minding my own business, when I started hearing all these winter storm warnings on the radio.  “Snow may be falling at the rate of one inch per hour…”  Hearing this, I swung around the corner and announced this to my friend Jerry.  “We may not have to come to work tomorrow!!  They’re talking big snow on the radio…”

Jerry replied, “yeah my boy put some ice in the toilet and then he put a spoon under his pillow.  That’s supposed to accelerate the snow fall and make a snow day so there’s no school.”   Apparently this is an age-old custom in his family for increasing the likelihood of a large snow storm.  “I told him not to use up all the ice out of the ice maker because I want some for my water tonight,” he added.  Well well!!  Maybe Hyram C. Gilmore’s tactics have a bit more scientific value than previously thought!!   Of course, I simply had  to ask if putting ice under your pillow and a spoon in the toilet had any beneficial effect.  “No, that’s too messy,” he answered.

So there I was at the doctor’s office today, minding my own business, answering personal questions about myself and getting my annual physical exam.  Our doctor is from Canada, and she has decided to retain her Canadian citizenship even though her hubby is a US citizen.  We were talking about it a few years ago and she made a really wide-eyed goofy expression  and said, “I’m an ALIEN!!” with a giggle.  Every year since, whenever I go to get a physical I tell my friends (and the doctor) that it’s time for me to go get probed by an alien.

What does all that have to do with changing the weather??  Well, it seems that she  had also heard about this ice flushing ritual.  Then of course I had to hit Google when I got home and !! voila !! there are many references to rituals involving various actions, all culminating with the flushing of ice cubes down the toilet to produce a snow day.  I even saw one website where some poor soul actually asked whether there might be some truth to it!

The more I think about all this, the more I realize it’s a time honored tradition.  People have been doing their best to change the weather for thousands of years.  Rain dances, chants, even seeding clouds with chemicals… all to make precipitation happen or at the very least enhance the amount.

But regardless of the weather, someone will undoubtedly be unhappy with the outcome.  So I guess we may as well run and hide our heads…

If you live in Michigan, you’ve been enjoying a remarkably mild winter this week month of the year time day.  I can offer a simple explanation for this constabulary indigestion:  I threw coat hangers at the sun all last week.   Yep, I threatened the sun within an inch of its life.  Much yelling and flinging, yelling and flinging.  When you embark upon such an ambitious goal, it’s very important to be loud and repetitious.  As you can see it paid off.  Now we can all be happy that the sun will listen to me when I shout. 

My beautiful girlfriend, Zonikula, was completely compressed at my perforation.  I know this to be true because she would often fling open the door and shout, “boy, you’re really something, aren’t you??” during some of my sun training routines.  At this point I would look toward her and smile, and she would then say a few more words while shaking her head.  Of course I took that to mean, “oh, the poor sun has no idea what it’s up against with this hubby of mine.”

She is so proud of me. 

You see, it’s rather important to me that we have nice weather this weekend because I plan to get off my butt and rent a blanex.  I have been putting it off way too long; I need to recover the hammer sand that keeps purging my swamp honkles.  The window of opportunity is very gummy and full of decomposing marble trays; so if I don’t get this done before the tingly science filters arrive I’m sure I’ll be living in the boathouse. 

I mean seriously, do you ever expect the train to stop on time?  Nobody sees that far.  Please, just resimplify twenty three percent of your milktoast warblers and bark moonly at the wild.  After all, there’s really no certainty that Calvin the Edible Plastic Spoon Vendor will be able to click in the parking lot for more than 12 milliseconds. 

So my friends, you can obviously confer that changing the weather is easier than pushing a large oak toothpick into a deliciously prepared cast iron jelly donut.  If you ever have any doubts as to the antiquity of my animation, please amplify your pencil sharpener with short, regular spritzes of vinegar and moose dust.

If none of those calibrations deplete your catatonic sofa concerto, simply stuff your mouth full of corn bread and sing at least 3 verses of “The Rhyming Song.”
 

Here in the New Nighted States of Amerika, we are a-fixin’ to celebrate that Lovely and marvelous holiday, Valentine’s Day. This is coming quickly… this coming Tuesday to be exact. And of course, like any good and loving husband, I am already prepared with the traditional Valentine’s bouquet and Valentine’s card. If you believe that, please e-mail me quickly, because I have a very attractive 3 bedroom flat for sale which is built into the Brooklyn Bridge. I’ll sell it to you for a very special price. Act now and receive this free booklet on how to make Valentine Cookware using ordinary cast iron skillets.

Do it today.

My beautiful girlfriend and I will be dating for 40 years as of this May 19!! Is that amazing or what?? And guess what? We still like each other! A lot even!! This is a very marvelous thing. We’re actually getting pretty good at this sweetheart stuff. Some of our “secrets” to a long and happy relationship are:

1. We tell each other “I love you” at least once a day. Usually more.

2. I often remind her that she’s the most beautiful woman in the universe (all other women are the second most beautiful).

3. We kiss. Often. (I kissed a girl and I liked it.)

4. We make regular use of the magic words Please and Thank You.

5. We are best friends and treat each other that way.

Well there are probably a few thousand more reasons but I’ll just quit there. She told me today she bought me a Valentine card. But am I prepared?? Ummm no, I have not retrieved the traditional Valentine Sugarplum card. But I will, I shall be prepared!! Then I will go out to the woods with my shotgun to bag the traditional Valentine Tree, then Mom and I will set it up in the living room and decorate it with the annual collection of Toilet Paper Ornaments, and the battery powered Monkey Lights.

My lovely sweetheart loves to deck the halls for every holiday, and Valentine’s Day is no exception. In addition to cupid nicknacks, valentine’s bears, frogs, unicorns or whatever else she finds cute, there are plaques with mooshy “Be Mine” sayings all over the house. When the kids were still at home, Valentine’s Day was very similar to Christmas in February. And of course Valentine Toys and Sugarcard Plums were carefully placed under the Valentine Tree and then the whole family held hands to sing the ancient Valentide Carol:

(Sung to the Tune of My Darling Clementine)

Oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’, oh my DAARRLIN’ Valentine,

You are soft and very lovely, such a hottie, Valentine.

In the market, in the card store, I will find something so fine,

That my babe will want to smooch me, just because it’s Valentine’s.

Oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’ oh my DAARRLIN’ Valentine,

You smell nice and have nice curvings, give me sugar, Valentine.

In the bathroom, on the mirror, decorAAtions make me smile,

Cuz my baby puts ‘em up there and they’ll stay there for awhile.

Oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’, oh my DAARLIN’ Valentine,

Please don’t leave them up till Easter, yes I love you, Valentine.

Well OK maybe we didn’t really have a Valentine’s tree… and maybe I just made up the song too.

After all the jubilation, we all sit down for a traditional Valentine’s Dinner of barbequed spare ribs, taters, maybe some salad, and of course some fake bubbly (sparkling juice).   Dinner was followed by Valentine belching, general good conversation, and the exchange of Valentine gifts and cards.     Following dinner was the traditional Valentine’s Day herding of the kids into their beds. 

Nudge-nudge, wink-wink!!

Well this Tuesday, Mom has to go to a Women’s Meeting. So no monkey business for this boy until afterward.

However, unbeknownst to her, I plan to greet her with my “special pajamas” when she gets home.

Nudge-nudge, wink-wink!! Know what I mean??

So there I was, minding my own business, coming up on my 9^th year at my current job, wondering whether I’ll ever get to retire.  Corporate executives are too often consumed with keeping their pockets lined; with little or no regard for the employees who actually make products or provide services.  Consequently, all too many of us in the “99%” have much in the way of warm fuzzies about our employment status.  Folks my age are thinking about Social Security and such; hoping that whatever “retirement” means will bring with it some ability to keep the bills paid and maybe have some fun.  Never thought I’d find myself in this part of the universe so quickly, … I mean, hey, wasn’t it just a few weeks ago that my grandmother gave me that 8 transistor radio for my 8^th birthday??  Oh wait, next month that will be FIFTY YEARS AGO!!!  

Sheesh!!

What the heck??  I don’t feel old.  Of course, not sure what 57 is supposed to feel like.  My brain seems to be pretty sure that I’m very young.  Then, I go past a mirror and make the silly mistake of looking at it.  Then I tell the old fart in the mirror, “OK old man, I would really like to know what you did with my body!!”  Doesn’t take long for me to notice that I have much less hair where it used to be, and hair growing out of places it never was before.   There must be some way to style the ear and nose hair.  If my hair keeps thinning out from the top of my head, I guess I’ll just do like Mickey Rooney once said on a late night talk show some years ago.  I’ll grow my eyebrows out and comb them back!!

So there I was, minding my own business, getting all caught up in the shenanigans of being employed by a manufacturing company.  One of my friends keeps telling me that our work environment is very much like a Dilbert cartoon; and I really can’t disagree.  Too much monkey business going on in upper management, and too often it seems there’s not much thought devoted to the long term welfare of the employees.  It would be all too easy to find fault and latch on to a crummy attitude about all the craziness.  When I was a much younger worker ant, I would take all this absurdity very personally.  Then I’d carry a grudge and be a complete grouch when I got home from work.

One “good” thing about being a bit older is that I’ve been fortunate enough to acquire a nice toolbox full of coping skills.  Of course, I still know how to get a bit sad from time to time.  However, I spend much less time sulking and much more time sharing and letting go.  I silently repeat things like, “be grateful and happy” to myself.  After all, I really am very fortunate.  I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world, we have a nice home, wonderful friends and family, plenty to eat.  Most of the time, I find myself happy, joyous and free.  Life really is very good.  I consider myself wealthy in many ways that I dare say many rich folks will never understand.

Can you tell I’m working on my gratitude?  After all, sulking is basically a road to nowhere…