Kakahead

Here in the New Nighted States of Amerika, we are a-fixin’ to celebrate that Lovely and marvelous holiday, Valentine’s Day. This is coming quickly… this coming Tuesday to be exact. And of course, like any good and loving husband, I am already prepared with the traditional Valentine’s bouquet and Valentine’s card. If you believe that, please e-mail me quickly, because I have a very attractive 3 bedroom flat for sale which is built into the Brooklyn Bridge. I’ll sell it to you for a very special price. Act now and receive this free booklet on how to make Valentine Cookware using ordinary cast iron skillets.

Do it today.

My beautiful girlfriend and I will be dating for 40 years as of this May 19!! Is that amazing or what?? And guess what? We still like each other! A lot even!! This is a very marvelous thing. We’re actually getting pretty good at this sweetheart stuff. Some of our “secrets” to a long and happy relationship are:

1. We tell each other “I love you” at least once a day. Usually more.

2. I often remind her that she’s the most beautiful woman in the universe (all other women are the second most beautiful).

3. We kiss. Often. (I kissed a girl and I liked it.)

4. We make regular use of the magic words Please and Thank You.

5. We are best friends and treat each other that way.

Well there are probably a few thousand more reasons but I’ll just quit there. She told me today she bought me a Valentine card. But am I prepared?? Ummm no, I have not retrieved the traditional Valentine Sugarplum card. But I will, I shall be prepared!! Then I will go out to the woods with my shotgun to bag the traditional Valentine Tree, then Mom and I will set it up in the living room and decorate it with the annual collection of Toilet Paper Ornaments, and the battery powered Monkey Lights.

My lovely sweetheart loves to deck the halls for every holiday, and Valentine’s Day is no exception. In addition to cupid nicknacks, valentine’s bears, frogs, unicorns or whatever else she finds cute, there are plaques with mooshy “Be Mine” sayings all over the house. When the kids were still at home, Valentine’s Day was very similar to Christmas in February. And of course Valentine Toys and Sugarcard Plums were carefully placed under the Valentine Tree and then the whole family held hands to sing the ancient Valentide Carol:

(Sung to the Tune of My Darling Clementine)

Oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’, oh my DAARRLIN’ Valentine,

You are soft and very lovely, such a hottie, Valentine.

In the market, in the card store, I will find something so fine,

That my babe will want to smooch me, just because it’s Valentine’s.

Oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’ oh my DAARRLIN’ Valentine,

You smell nice and have nice curvings, give me sugar, Valentine.

In the bathroom, on the mirror, decorAAtions make me smile,

Cuz my baby puts ‘em up there and they’ll stay there for awhile.

Oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’, oh my DAARLIN’ Valentine,

Please don’t leave them up till Easter, yes I love you, Valentine.

Well OK maybe we didn’t really have a Valentine’s tree… and maybe I just made up the song too.

After all the jubilation, we all sit down for a traditional Valentine’s Dinner of barbequed spare ribs, taters, maybe some salad, and of course some fake bubbly (sparkling juice).   Dinner was followed by Valentine belching, general good conversation, and the exchange of Valentine gifts and cards.     Following dinner was the traditional Valentine’s Day herding of the kids into their beds. 

Nudge-nudge, wink-wink!!

Well this Tuesday, Mom has to go to a Women’s Meeting. So no monkey business for this boy until afterward.

However, unbeknownst to her, I plan to greet her with my “special pajamas” when she gets home.

Nudge-nudge, wink-wink!! Know what I mean??