Kakahead

Hi Folks!

There is only one TRUE way to impress your friends with warmth and love, and that is by sending the following letter to all of them on Valentine’s Day or something.  So, since this I am writing this “Happy Friday” to all of you, my dear, wonderful friends, please take a minute to be bathed in the loving thoughts in the letter that follows.  AND, as an added bonus, you can easily cut and paste it out and send it to YOUR friends!  No box tops or proof of purchase required!

Remember, this is written in the singular, because I am sending this heart-felt sentiment to EACH of you, individually!!  Ok?  Here we go…

Dear Snifflehead,

Don’t think for a minute that you can even for one moment even possibly have a chance to realize anything about the possible chances of knowing what I was thinking a moment ago.  Give me a break already.  You know what I mean, right? Of course you do, that’s why we’re friends!

It’s been nearly three days now, and that’s longer than what I had anticipated before the three days began.  That was at least three days ago.  Now it is three days hence, and it feels a lot like three days have gone by.  It may seem redundant to you, but I don’t wish to repeat myself to the point of being guilty of saying the same thing over again. That would be redundant, as you may have detected, but I refuse to be accused of saying the same thing over again.

Our friendship goes back as far as I can remember; but to be honest, I can’t remember who the heck you are or what you look like.  All I know for certain is that you will soon be receiving small packages of soil in the mail.  Consider it a token of appreciation for all the things you have never done for me.  The soil you will soon enjoy will contain very small mites who will watch you while you go to the bathroom.  If you hear faint, high-pitched laughter in there while you are bathing, that is just those silly mites.  They carry small video recorders; so don’t be surprised if your hiney is featured on YouTube in the years to come.

Let’s make a point of having bark salad sometime at separate restaurants together.  Then we can have a nice telephone conversation with someone we REALLY like, and it would be much more meaningful than this garbage.   You never contacted me in the first place; so if you think I’m going to write another word about this, I’m crazy!!  Take notes at the next sink-plunging session you enjoy, and remind me to laugh at the resulting jelly donuts you stepped on during the last Global Crybaby Kaka-Roach Festival.

Above all, quit following me.  I can smell you in my dreams.  I know the model of automobile you have been repairing lately.  It is futile for you to hide from observation, there is a satellite transponder in the kitchen with your name on it.

Well, my dearest friend, I can’t for the life of me remember your name.  But if we ever meet again, please give me a lot of money.  I know that’s a big request from a stranger, but you know as well as I do that the best things in life are free…  So give me your money DARN IT!!!!  DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TRAP YOUR SOUL IN USELESS MATERIAL POSSESSIONS?   Give me all you have and let me bear the burden for you!  I promise I won’t sell your most beloved things until I get around the corner.  If your pets are selling watches on the street, what business is it of yours? They can’t work at McDonald’s all my life!! 

We gotta get something from somewhere and find out what the heck it is! Otherwise, we won’t know what we have, and then we’ll be at the end of this letter!

Jump loudly with bugs,

Your Anonymous Friend,

Me

Uh Oh… another one of those video things…

Dear Friends,

With the coming of Valentine’s Day this Sunday, I can’t help but reflect on the love I have been so fortunate to enjoy.  For example:  we have our grandson visiting this weekend.   What does that have to do with Valentine’s Day?

EVERYTHING.

I mean, think about it:  I officially began dating my beautiful girlfriend (wife) on May 19, 1972.  Fortunately for me, she allowed me to marry her and we got two beautiful children out of the deal.  In spite of a few bumps in the road for each of us (at one time or another), we all love each other to pieces and are happy most of the time.  Our son is doing great in college; our daughter and her wonderful man brought us our beautiful grandson.

Is this too mooshy for you?  Well if so, too darn bad.   It is my professional opinion that with all the garbage you hear on the news, we need to focus on what’s GOOD in our lives.  So I’m doing that right now.

That being said, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day I’d like to share some of the things I have said to my lovely girlfriend over the years.  We love to laugh, so some of the things we’ve proclaimed over the years may cause the innocent bystander to wonder a bit.  Do not be afraid… we are NOT crazy.  If you don’t believe us just us some time…  Anyway, here are some of the things I’ve said (and continue to say) to my honey pie on a pretty regular basis:

“I love you, how to say I don’t know what.  I love you like a squirrel loves a nut.”

(My lovely bride’s reply to this:  “I love you like the ice cream on the mountain top.”)

“Thank you for being my friend and letting me kiss you.”

“You are a beautiful young woman.”

“Come here and make with the kissing.”

“Your curves have always been just fine for me!!”  (That one was when she announced she’d be starting a membership at Curves.)

“Thank you for making dinner!”

“Give to me the hug…)

Well you get the idea.  But seriously folks, I really do say these things.  My professional opinion is that all women are beautiful, but none will ever be as beautiful as my lovely girlfriend / honey pie / wife person lady.  It is simply not possible.

I’d also like to make up a few other things I haven’t said yet.  And guys (or even girls), feel free to steal these if the spirit moves you:

“Your lips are like redwood trees sleeping in a volcano.”

“You have such beautiful eyes… they remind me of a velvet traffic light.”

“I bet you can’t wait to kiss me to see what I just had for lunch!”

“What color would you like your mashed potatoes to be tonight?”

OK maybe I won’t really say those things.

Anyway, our wonderful grandson is spending the weekend.  Then on Sunday, our two children, our son-in-law, and beautiful friend Ruthie will join us for Valentine’s Day dinner.  Life is good.

After dinner is over I get to have my beautiful girlfriend all to myself.  And you know what we’re gonna do??  That’s right!!  We’re playing checkers!!!

KING ME BABY!!!

Dear Friend,

I just wanted to send you some words to express how happy my heart is to be working all the time and not stopping for a heart vacation. I really like breathing and especially eating; so if my heart went on vacation I suspect I would not be able to enjoy smelling jelly or eating smelt pot pie.

Additionally, it truly warms my soul to know that:

A) I have the great pleasure of knowing you

4) You are a very nice person

Q) You don’t stab my toes with any garden tools; and

E6) You don’t live at my house.

Please keep in mind that if you ever need to live in my house, the shed is where you will be sleeping.

You may actually use the LARGER shed...

I do apologize but I cannot share my bed with any additional mammals.

As it is now; my wife keeps at least half the bed to herself, so that leaves me with about 12.4% of the total sleeping area. Then of course we have our two cats who are convinced that we require them to be sleeping on our heads. Nothing quite compares to a nice fur hat that purrs in the middle of the night.

Fortunately for us, Musky Da Husky has his own bed complete with squeaky toys and crunch bones. And yes, he’s all by himself on that bed but don’t even think for a minute that you get to share a bed with the likes of him. He is very defensive of his toys and crunchies, and will not hesitate to recite the U.S., Constitution and all its articles and amendments if he feels threatened.

So now we are enjoying the Holiday Season, which means of course that we get to spend large amounts of money on food and gifts and please just send me the money instead and I’ll make sure it gets put under my mattress for a rainy snow day.

I’m sure you are eager to buy me expensive gifts this year. Please be aware that I’m very easy to please but if you don’t get the gifts listed below I’ll train fleas to visit your tuna salad in the weeks to come.

Here is an abbreviated list of items I require:

1) 1 large bottle (371 milligrams) of Krampo’s Lint Be Gone (deep fried Twinkies are an acceptable substitute)

T) 4 bushels of Nestle’s Creamed Corn

0p) 1 tail light assembly for a 1959 Nash Metropolitan

z#) 17 small pine cones dipped in Aunt Ludmilla’s Avacado Gravy Mix

v12) 3 half pint jars of Crazy Willie’s Carpet Tacks

Well, you get the idea. If you choose to buy me something that is not on the list, well I guess maybe we could still be friends after you pay me extra.

In closing I’d simply like to point out that although there are many things happening on Planet Earth that give us a reason to cry; having a friend like you is much more valuable than, say, chocolate covered hubcaps or even liquid lobster protein supplements.

In other words, thank you kindly for being who you are.

Your friend,

Nive Tringleshorts
a.k.a. “Irving the Bug Biter”

Dear Ladles and Jellyspoons,

I have come to the conclusion that snow induces seizures in many automobile drivers. This I am knowing because of the spastic manner in which people navigate their jalopy zoomers as soon as the weather changes. Now the reader must appreciate the sheer folly of this, because we live in Michigan and snow is not exactly a foreign substance here. It comes to visit us every single year, and every single year many snow belt residents seem to lose all their winter driving skills and commence to having seizures while driving just as soon as the snow arrives.

Of course, these seizures are self induced, a direct result of drivers only looking as far as the end of their noses while assessing traffic situations. This is coupled with the idiocy factor, which seems to compel people to navigate their street rods as if they are the only person on the road. The end result is truly dangerous behavior that becomes very unsafe for them and all who might be around them. Of course, the idiocy factor is present all year long. Then the weather changes. Autumn brings rain, and as autumn slides into winter, the rain begins to freeze and then VOILA!! Snow. What a shocker, huh? Ya right… this is very normal for Michigan and all the rest of the snow belt.

So you have all these clam-headed bug poop eaters behind the wheel who drive as if they have absolutely no clue. An amazing concept: snow and ice make the road slippery!!! Now who would ever have imagined such nonsense?? Well it’s true. And hey, you know all those road hogs who think they will never get where they are going unless they go 98.36 mph?? You know, the jerkfaces who fly up to your tail while you’re already doing 75 or even 80 in the passing lane. You’re sitting there, minding your own business, passing cars, keeping a safe distance between you and those in front, when some snot licker decides that you are in the way. Bad enough they are basically threatening you by following way too closely. Then they add insult to injury by flashing their lights. Isn’t that special? They own the road you know. They paid for the whole thing.

They like windshield washer fluid. I know this because after I warn them with my emergency flashers that they are way too close, they still like to stay right on my hiney. I’m pretty sure they appreciate it when I wash my windows and they get free juice in their faces. Otherwise why would they hug my bumper so, even when I can’t go anywhere but the next guy’s bumper? And hey, sorry Mr. or Ms. Roadhog, I’m not gonna tailgate. You’ll just have to wait until I find a safe spot to slide over, and in the meantime, I think my windshield is not quite clean. Here’s some more washer juice!

Then the snow comes and adds a bit of spice to the mix. Now imagine you are again in the passing lane, but only going 55 if you’re lucky because the road is slick, but you’re still passing all the old ladies and frightened people who can’t get their cars to go more than 35 on the interstate. Here comes Mr. or Ms. HineyHugger. What appears to be going through their minds is: “Oh, now that the snow has arrived, I must try to lick your bumper with my hood ornament at every possible opportunity.” This appears to be the anthem of the tailgaters; who very soon enjoy crying and rolling in the ditch when the person in front of them has to hit the brakes. And all too many hit the brakes because of something like: “Holy Mackerel I Can’t See With All This Blowing Snow!! Oh Gosh There’s A Deer Or Maybe Not!! Who Just Sent Me A Text Message?? Where Is The Rest Of My Breakfast Burrito??!!” Suddenly they are sliding wildly; which increases their enjoyment of the early snowy morning drive. They are especially happy after learning the effect that saplings have on the underside of their car. Unfortunately, however, these idiots may get hurt but also may drag other unwilling participants into the ditch party.

So I would like to close with a plea. Please, no matter where you are, drive safely to and from your home and / or your non-home universe during this time of frozen precipitation and stupid people who think they are drivers but are actually eels in a small bowl of Jell-O with a nice lint frosting which is complemented by a run-on sentence just like this one.

You will know the eel-people by their affinity for car hiney hugging. Let them pass and enjoy their ditch races. It is especially wonderful when they are hopelessly stuck and try to drive out anyhow. Oh yes they do enjoy the burial of their tires in the muck so the wrecker has to bend its winches when trying to remove them from their ditch playgrounds.

Also, please PLEASE PLEASE never fight with idiots on the road. ROAD RAGE KILLS. It also makes dead people out of living ones. There are people on the planet who will actually use their car for a weapon! Please be careful!

OK, enough of my venting. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, and lots of people are bringing wonderful things for the taste flavors of your face and mouth parts. Please enjoy your everything and especially that nice treat that Mrs. Whosamajigger brought for Holiday Face Stuffing today. I like to rub cookies on my belly. Very good enjoyment, I’ll say. And above all, be kind to everyone you meet. Even the wacko driver ninnies.

Live long and don’t lick spiders.

Yours with no tail,

Zoonork Ventricle

a.k.a. Hobnar G. Wobbynock

I’m here to say, that for me, there is no better stress relief than writing and / or reading nonsense. Well, there probably are other remedies for stress warts, but nonsense is a good for me one of those good ones.

Things.

Things include chocolate, the wonder drug of the universe. Chocolate is so doggone good it ought to be illegal. But someone wisely made it into candy long ago, so now it is completely acceptable in foot smelling contests and the 23rd Annual Rhubarb Flinging Derby. I often cover things with chocolate. My car is brown and slimy as a direct result of this behavior. This is a bit strange when it gets really warm outside, because as I approach expressway cruising speed I get brown globs of mugg that splook the windshield. This challenges my dexterity at times, because I often stick my whole face out the window for chocolate catching. I never enjoyed bug covered chocolate before this very time!!

STrEsS has a VERY ugly pair of pajamas that reeks of GIANT, TWELVE-TOED MONKEY SNAKE ENDOCRINE GLANDS. And believe me, that’s pretty darned green and fluffy! Now I know a fossil hunter when I hear one, and if you don’t put that stink bomb away right now I’ll sell you a brown leather bedpost at the crack of noon! Do you understand me?? Good golly, I hope not.

Now that you’ve sampled the goat raisins, you are ready to progress to the next step: wonkling. Wonkling can be very stationary and exquisitely mobile. Use something to do a task, throw it in the air, and use it no
more. This is the way of the stationary wonkler. Change lanes abruptly, apply heat to an iron molecule, and shake your hair until the electrons fall off. This is the way of the mobile wonkler.

Wonkle like you’ve never wonkled before. That will show them!! I find deep fried owl toes a most enjoyable snack while driving heavy whipping cream through the vegetable cemetery.

And now for the shaming:

Do you use toothpaste for tire repair? Of course not!

Do you slurp fried chicken through a cheese grater?? I hope so!!

Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?? Absolutely!!

Does cat fur remind you of candles made of Jell-O?? If so, you are my kind of pleeb!!

Remove this teleprompter from your jailing list.

Do it today.

Dear Perglezookeys,

Please don’t spread the word, but as I have already alerted some
of my comrades, I have been masticating during lunch. My mandible
enjoys this to the point where it is pretty much automatic. Please
be aware, however, that mastication is a pure, wholesome, and
reasonably natural process and should not be refreshed in the name
of Dondo Frijole. You personally may opt NOT to masticate, but do
so only with the precaution that you might be setting yourself up to
receive the Hindkick maneuver from your piers. Piers and maybe even
docks. If their are two such piers, well that of course would be a
paradox.

On the other hand, you may receive the Hand Lick maneuver, which is
totally disgusting and miserably ineffective. Your piers may not
even want to try it. And of course, if you add an “L” to “piers,”
you get “pliers,” and that’s what Herman the Zinc Miner will use to
pinch your septum every single time the Three Stooges investigate
the Twighlight Zone.

In the early morning night time, I opened the window and several
nonfurry checkbook carriers escaped and ran through the intersections.
As I saw this, I twinkled my toes and exclaimed, “Holy Photonic
Calibration!! There go four of my unused satellite receivers!”
If you see them, it’s likely they will be traveling with soup
and perhaps even potato cartilage. This flavor based combination
will intimidate even the best of all your political capuccino.
Why would anyone even attempt to varnish tomatoes is way beyond the
my constitution.

Clang clang clang go the whistles, enjoying help from Above and Oh
my God my socks are draining again. Above refers to a place higher
than me, where birds, helicopters, and dragonflies enjoy friendly
“Hey let’s watch the Exorcist again” parties. If you happen to be
near such a gathering, please run from the wildebeest and leave a
trail of Poppin’ Fresh doughnuts so we can find you when it’s time
to do the dishes.

Someone stole eleven percent of my brain. This makes the chore of
even normale typeikng vyery diffiddicult indeeded.n Sol I lleave
youoyou noww, bbefoorew I cane nlwo longerers type * at # Alle.’

By buy,

Zeb Rookenzool

Action Figure of Choice,
3003 Ozone Olympics

Dear Earth Dwellers,

This is to advise all steam hangers that any further disguising of endocrine lamps will be postulated with electric germ tables on or about September 27, 2014. All related salivation will occur just before lunch has a chance to hit the fan.

This is NOT a drill.

I cannot inflame you strongly enough to cease and desist with the act of emulating small furry granola bars. After all, any irresponsible kazoo impresario will automatically endure greatly exaggerated facial expressions.

Gradually we will consult the prototype monkey bar infusion devices in an attempt to discern extraordinary methods of vegetable and / or marshmallow juice extraction. Until then, please return to your imaginary “safe place” and enjoy the gumdrop flavored caffeinated meat sticks.

If you have any questions about the arrangement of your bedroom furniture, please contact Moller Enterprises in Sedgewicke Valley, New Mexico and they will refund your pajamas with explosion resistant platform shoes.

Sincerely,

Barker G. Finkledust

a.k.a. “Vice President Insaney”

Hello Traves and Mizzledenters,

In the interest of a more secure planet whose resources have been dwindling at an alarming rate, we must now embark upon an agressive lotion application program for each and every living organism on this home we call Earth.

Some of you may well ask, “how does one apply lotion to pollywogs and other large mammals?”   As a famous president often said, “let me say this about that..”

Please ask both of your friends whether they can seriously find themselves.  You simply never know in this day and age where one can be found.  And of course, if one is found then others will be soon to follow.

I’ve asked our electronic recycling contractors to apply soap to both wheels.  Please let me know if any capacity regions require further coagulation.

This procedure is truly vital and must be followed exactly.  Some of the more common questions that may or may not arise are:

Do chocolate celery sticks enjoy a separate life cycle?

What color is this wandering balloon whose name is Alfred?

Remember that one time when we were sleeping in the snowbank?

Is this carnival really safe?

Are you going to eat that???

Please thank yourselves in advance for your constellations.  After all, EVERYBODY is a star.

Happy Wheezing,

Brebbick N. Zemberklang
a.k.a. “Foofie McSnuffington”

Warning:  This message contains nonsense and may destroy your porcupine salad.

———————————————

Hello Frame Handlers,

Although most crustaceans were not aware, I was working in Muskegon for a few months.

Many of you have never asked me, “how is Muskegon??”   So I’m probably not overdue for an answer.

Some of my own scientifically based observations:   Muskegon is like a chicken with no milk for cereal.  All the trees are planted upside down and one has a difficult time finding shade under the roots that stick up in the air.  The squirrels are very large and strong, which is partly due to their diet of car parts.   Wild dogs run the streets in packs of 12 – 20 oz.  containers.

Many small children grow their own toys.

You’d think that in a large town as small as Muskegon there would be a library and perhaps even a delicatessen.  Well, unfortunately the only service provided there is curb dusting on Wednesdays between 12 a.m. and 12:03 a.m.  So obviously there’s no delicatessen, but rather a small collection of street vendors who, for a small fee, will abstain from throwing food at you while you walk along the freshly dusted curb.

All the fire hydrants have been painted with invisible ink.  Nobody knows why, and now of course they cannot find any of them so the 1973 Dodge Ram 1/2 ton Firetruck and its 14 man crew must rely on many bottles of Dasani and / or Aquafina for fire sprinkling enjoyment.

Muskegon prides itself on the “high quality” paving jobs of the city streets.   The primary paving material is zebra mussels.  The shells are crunchy and fun to drive on; and the bodies of the mussels are soft and gooey.  Once a big layer of mussels is applied to the avenue, a steam roller flattens them to make Instant Road.   Nose clamps are freely available at major intersections during “The Great Paving Festival” in early August.

Well, I could go on and on, but  then I’d soon be forced to join that self-help group, “On And On And On-Anon.”

If you have any questions or concerns, please, by all means abruptly give yourself a swirly; and just think carefully about what it is you expect to hear from the likes of me.

Got it?

Fine.

Yours in Two Trains,

Graham B. Floopenhosen
a.k.a. “The Great Wide Giblet Hunter”