Kakahead

“Hand me that pitchfork, will you? I hate to do this while you’re here, but I gotta take care of something before I forget,” I said to my urban friend. He followed me to the far west side of the garden and saw the huge hulk in the distance. When we reached the immense carcass, my friend stood back as I plunged the tines of my pitch fork into it. I lifted a thick layer of skin off the beast, exposing its insides.  Warm, dank steam rose from within, and I smiled as we watched its innards wriggle about vigorously. My friend gasped with amazement and exclaimed, “Good God, it’s alive!”

Well, it’s not completely alive, but really a pile of dead things.  But, there are things living on the dead stuff.  The wriggly things are alive, but the dead stuff is dead. But that’s what makes it so grand. If the wriggly things that ate the dead stuff died, it wouldn’t be nearly as wonderful. Are you getting disgusted yet?? Before you toss your cookies, let me tell you I’m talking about turning a compost pile. But honestly now, if I mentioned compost in the first paragraph, would you have read this far?

Ok. Bear with me, and I’ll make the compost adventure as interesting as possible. At least, as interesting as a heap of rotting veggie matter can be. With all the hoopla about recycling, and the interest in homegrown vegetables, I just wanted to say a few words on my V to V Converter. Say what now?? Vegetable to Vegetable Converter. The compost pile.  You know… you take dead vegetables and recycle them into new ones.

Alright, I’ll quit speaking in code. Compost makes sense, even for folks with small yards. Obviously, it’s not really practical in a high rise apartment complex, but some maverick city folk are raising corn and such on rooftops, so you never know. Compost is primo fertilizer, and it’s “free.” The only cost is your time, and whatever you paid for the veggies and fruits from which the compost is made.

Find a nice spot with no trees or bushes in the immediate vicinity, and declare it Compost World. Trees and bushes love compost, so if you pile it on their tootsies, they’ll fill it with their rootsies. Try to find a place that gets some shade, because compost likes to be kept somewhat cool. If you can’t find shade, not to worry.  You can just add lots of fluffy stuff (like leaves) on top for insulation.  Wire fence all around it is kinda neat too. If space is a problem, you may want to buy or build a compost maker. Those even come with instructions!

I have a compost pile, size large, which didn’t come with instructions. The basic “cooking” compost pile is made of alternating layers of carbonaceous (brown) and nitrogenous (green) material. Ya, right. So what the heck is that, huh?  Carbonaceous stuff is just about any plant matter that is dead, brown, dried up, deceased, and not even remotely fresh or happy. Sawdust, leaves, pine needles, or straw are some examples. Put about six or more inches of that stuff down to start.  Cover with about six inches of nitrogenous stuff:  kitchen scraps like fruit and veggie waste, coffee grounds, and tea bags for example. We chuck that stuff in a bucket and dump it when it’s full. Also full of nitrogen are freshly picked weeds or grass clippings. And not to forget manure, but only that from vegetarian critters like moo cows or goat sheeps.  Some folks also use chicken manure with good result.  Aside from all that, you can throw in some eggshells for “lime.” Don’t use eggs, just the shell.

WARNING!! DANGER!! DO NOT USE MEAT OR DAIRY STUFF

OF ANY KIND IN YOUR COMPOST!

This is because:

A) It can breed disease that will literally make you sick, and

12) It might attract critters to your compost, and then THEY will get sick if they eat the rotten meat.  Now, fish are a slightly different story. Fish are good plant food, but put them straight in the ground. Six inches is a good depth, to keep the kitties from digging them up.  But please, no composting of fishies allowed.  Back to the pile, Gomer. Oops, sorry! Not punny.

Is it an absolute must to make the pile with layers? No, but layers of brown and green make chemical things happen.  The pile gets warm and steamy! This kicks off the compost process with a bang, hence the term “cooking.”  After it cools, the earthworms and other plant-crud eaters move in to wriggle about and chow down on the goodies.  Dead stuff comes alive with creepy-crawlies who are all in cahoots to party down on your yard and kitchen waste. All you have to do is make sure the sun doesn’t dry the pile out. The critters like to eat moist stuff, just like most of us prefer a little milk on our cereal. Moist is the key word here, soggy is bad. You may need to water it occasionally, but if the top layer is thick with brown stuff, it will probably be just fine.

You can let the pile sit, but you’ll hit pay dirt (ha ha… pay dirt… get it??) faster if you use a pitchfork to turn it once a week or so. Just stab the hulk with your pitch fork and toss it like a giant salad.  Top it off with more layers if you have the stuff, or just keep dumping your kitchen waste on the pile. When there’s some that’s all dark and crumbly (usually at the bottom of the pile), it’s ready to be fed to your plant friends. Water your plants first, then tell them to open wide for some food that will make them big and strong.  Then while they’re not looking, put a nice layer of compost on their toes.  Compost works best if you keep the living dead stuff alive (right, there he goes again). In other words, put some leaves or grass clippings on top of the compost to keep it moist. Dried compost just ain’t no good for nuttin’, Honey.

So there. I did it and I’m glad. I gave you the whole rotten story. Dead stuff that’s alive, HAH! Well, anyway, happy gardening. And may your garbage can swell less and less each week.

OK now for the video… I don’t have any livestock (except 2 cats and a dog); but if I did I’m sure Betty would help keep them out of mischief.

This post is appearing illegally in at Freshproducejournal.com. They never asked my permission to use it and “forgot” to credit me as the author. Sheesh.

Anyway, back to the story…

Obviously I’m in the wrong business.  Somebody somewhere is getting rich selling… garlic!?!?  That’s right folks.  Apparently Chinese garlic is being smuggled into Europe.  Recently a shipload of it arrived in Norway, and when a truck driver tried to cross the border into Sweden with 28 tons of garlic he got nabbed.  This route was chosen to avoid paying a duty on the imported garlic.

If I had known garlic was so doggoned valuable I would have smuggled some into Europe a long time ago.  I planted some in my garden many years ago and it grows like crazy.  Mind you I don’t have 28 tons… so maybe it’s not quite as valuable as gold.  However, smugglers only smuggle because there’s money to be made.

Very strange.

What I find rather sad though is the same sources that reported the attempted garlic smuggling also noted that China produces about 75% of the world’s garlic.  I mean, sheesh, isn’t there anything that doesn’t come from China these days?

Well of course there is, but not nearly enough of it.  Here in Michigan the produce is making its way into the farmers markets; and more and more of us are making a real effort to “think globally, but act locally.”  In other words, we are supporting our local growers.  Sometimes it costs a bit more but it all boils down to this:  what kind of world do we want to have?  Personally, I’m willing to pay a little more for local produce and other goods.  It just makes more sense to support my local human family members.  Much more earth friendly too when you don’t have to ship everything all over the place.

I’m also willing to get off my hiney and grow some food.  Keeps me off the streets; although this year I went a bit overboard.  I have been very busyREALLY busy in the garden this year.   The up side of course is we’re gonna get some very nice organically grown food. weeding and mulching, and I still have a ways to go to get the garden under control.  I have been lamenting to my beautiful girlfriend (wife) and friends, “this year I think I put in a retired person’s garden.”  Everyone knows what I mean pretty much instantly.  On the downside, I’m really

Maybe next year I’ll grow a few tons of garlic and load up my canoe and paddle over to Norway.  A good chunk of my bloodline is Norwegian, so maybe some of that Viking seamanship will magically whisk me across the ocean.  Sounds like there’s big money in garlic over there.  I’m much more likely to get my hands on garlic than gold.

Besides, gold doesn’t keep vampires away.

Well these folks seem to find garlic rather golden… this is an old video but the Gilroy Garlic Festival is still going strong…

Everybody ready for the 28^th Annual Mulch Run?!?!?  I’m pretty excited.  Gonna get my refreshments (fill my water bottle), hop into the Chrysler Towne & Country Racing Van, grab a seat, hook up the trailer and GO!!!

And I always win.

Aaaahhhh summer time.  The garden is exploding, and the weeds are doing really well. Seems like the seeds I actually planted just got going, and all the weeds I didn’t plant (not intentionally anyway) are growing so fast I can barely tell the beets from the purslane.  Sure you can eat purslane, and I have.  Pretty good in salads and even cooked in Chicken Cockamamie.  But it volunteers itself all over the place along with lamb’s quarters and lots of other weedy greens; and if left unchecked the seeds I bought and spent so much time planting will be overrun.

Normal garden process at my house is:

1)  Pull up the garden waste from last year in late fall or early spring.  OK… usually early spring.

G)  Till the garden as soon as the mud from the snow melt is dried a bit.

27)  Let the ground dry a bit and also allow weeds to germinate.

*x)  Till again, then

4L)  Carefully plant the tomato, pepper, eggplant and marigold plants I adopted from the greenhouse; and finally

M#)  Make the rows and beds and plant, plant, plant the seeds.

I’ve learned the hard way that if I mulch too soon, the slugs stampede (albeit very slowly) into the garden and chow down at night and hide under the mulch during the day.  Not very funny.

So, I wait… then of course the weeds go nuts because hey, I work for a living and can’t always get motivated to put my hiney in the garden after a long day.  That, of course,  means I do “catch up” weeding and mulch as I go.

Last year I used hay for mulch.  Seemed to work pretty well but it was a bit expensive and I have this silly suspicion that’s what gave me all my wonderful weeds this year.  Straw works but it tends to rob nitrogen from the soil… not a good thing if you’re an old organic hippie like me who refuses to buy chemical fertilizer.  Hay actually adds some nitrogen, but again, there’s that weed thing.

So it’s back to basics this year.  For 28 years I’ve been gardening here… and have managed to turn sand into pretty nice soil.  Primary reason:  mulch runs.  I had a truck for awhile but switched to a trailer many moons ago and that will probably be what I use until I can’t chew my milkweed anymore.  Or something.

I cruise around the ‘burbs and “steal” their bags of grass clippings and leaves right out from under the suburbanite’s noses.  Most are very grateful I’m taking the stuff away from the curb.  Last year though, I had a strange encounter when I pulled up to a house that seemed to have the mother lode of leaves.  A grumpy old man came out to his porch and barked at me,

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?”

“I’m stealing your leaves,” I replied in an impish tone.

“WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO WITH THEM??!!??”

“Well I’m gonna use them in my garden, which means I’ll be eating them eventually.”

“OH, alright…”  he snorted.  He lowered the volume on the last retort as I found my head spinning with ideas on how a person could get into mischief with stolen leaves.

“I’m sorry to alarm you,” I said in a more apologetic tone.  “You want me to put them back?”

“No it’s OK,” he said as he went back inside.

Well, the first day of the 28^th Annual Mulch Run was this past Tuesday, and sure enough Mr. LeafGrouch had a nice pile of grass clippings all bagged up.  This time, I went up to the porch and rang the doorbell.

“Hey I was here last year… do you mind if I take your grass clippings?”  I smiled politely and tried not to snicker at his god awful black shorts with neon flowers all over them.

He was much more reserved this time… almost obliging.  “Yeah sure, I’ll have more on Friday.”

I took Friday off this week.  The 28^th Annual Mulch Run of 2010 continues.

And now for something completely different… my brother was sad there was no video this week, so I actually learned how to stream one from my very own collection!! Enjoy!!

April showers bring Mayflowers, the old song says. I guess that means the Pilgrims came over to Plymouth Rock during a rain storm. But it isn’t April anymore, and we’re still having showers. This is a good thing.

My friends will cry, “this stinking rain!! I wish the sun was out so my epidermal molecules be injured by ultraviolet radiation and we could enjoy larger temperatures!! And now the pollen is removing the nose linings of my face from repeated sniffle-sniffle! Oh flarn, what an onerous life event I am experiencing from this weather pattern!”

Well, maybe that don’t quite say THAT, but the rain hasn’t exactly been welcome lately. Some folks are getting tons of rain, we are getting just enough.  So we want more, they want less.  However, the rain is bringing with it a miracle: the plants are exploding. You can hear it all night long, the bigness is so loud. Leaves popping out of the tree buds like a dog with a new model airplane! The pure spontaneity of it makes me cringe as I pass normally innocent trees and bulbs; and they go “BOOM!” with new growth. Growth noise! Very wonderful.

That’s what summer brings in Michigan. And the rain is the culprit here. Rain as opposed to snow, you see. The snow causes plants to go to bed, and have dreams for many months. Now they are all awake, and the plants are holding hands, rendering amorous floral displays, and getting ready to have babies. People are orchestrating this, too, with their trips to the garden store. There they can adopt the seedy offspring of many varieties. Of course, the humans are completely insidious in their intent, because we all know what’s going to happen to the seed babies, now don’t we??

Sure! The people giants are going to take the plant  baby seeds and stuff them in their dirt cribs. Next comes the water, then maybe some compost flavored organic soup for din-din. This is all a plot (or is it all IN a plot?) to raise unsuspecting babies into mature adults so we can bite them and mush their bodies into pulp for our tummies. It frightens them badly, you know. Whenever I say to my kids, “eat your veggies,” all the produce tries to make a break for it. We keep the doors closed. Ha ha on them!

I have to admit, I get much pleasure out of raising the young of other plants for my own whimsical eating enjoyment.  We have a big enough garden to grow a little of everything,  but it’s not really huge enough to grow much corn. So, we  grow enough for a few dozen ears. Time and trial has taught me a few lessons on growing corn successfully in a small area, you betcha by golly. Would you like to know the secret?

Ok, I’ll tell you anyway.

It’s kind of sick, so if there are any children in the room, send them to bed or something. We have to… um… HELP them. Help them… you know… do it. Pitch woo. Make hay. Um… parlez vous la humma-humma? Ok, WE HAVE TO AID THEM IN THEIR LOVE MAKING. Gack. But hey, I said it and I’m glad.

It’s like this, ok?? Corn is kinda funny because the male part of the plant is in its hair, and the female part is in the armpit. By this reasoning, since the female part is called the ear, that means a corn plant’s ears are in its armpits. Very strange. You see, corn pollinates by floof.  Pollen from the tassle floofs through the air and lands on the ear when it’s ovulating. Very primitive, but when the corn is planted in large fields and the rows are reasonably close together, this works out pretty well. However, in a small wannabe-farm-variety-type hobby not-so-serious garden dinky plot thing, with only two rows of corn, this is not so successful; even if you write about the lack of success in a run-on sentence with totally silly adjective and noun use.

So, you have to be the Dr. Ruth of the garden house.  Sure, you don’t absolutely HAVE to, but if you have a small garden and want corn, you may get ears with few or even NO kernels. You really have to know the right time, which is when the ears are just starting to grow silk out of their heads.  After the silk is out a bit, the tassles should be making these little pollen holders that flap about in the breeze and spread pollen for the floofing. You can tell the pollen is ready when you pull some of the holders off the tassle and they make yellowish floof powder on your fingers.

Now you are ready to help the corn have sex. OH JEEZ!  I SAID THE SEX THING!! Anyhow. Take the pollen holders and drop them on the silk of each ear. It is helpful to set up a VCR and TV in the garden while you are doing this. Rent one of those nice agricultural films that shows lots of flowers blooming and bees being. The ones that end with lots of grain graining are especially arousing to the corn plants.  Do this a few times, once a day if you can while the silk is new and the pollen is floofy.

This same love lesson can be applied to any veggie or other plant. Differences will of course be present depending on what type of flowers you are dealing with. Many plants have the male and female stuff all in one flower, and you can whisk them with an artist’s brush to get them to have babies.  Folks with apartments do this with very good success. They don’t usually invite bees in their house, so an artist’s brush is a good alternative. Some plants, like squash and melons, have male and female flowers. The females are the ones with the little baby fruit attached.  So, now you all know my innermost garden secrets. I am not ashamed of myself. I mean, you gotta do whatcha gotta  do. If you decide to try this, just be careful. No cross breeding. In other words, no eggpeppers or broccorn. No cantelumpkins or tomadishes. No zuccarrots. And absolutely NO suncumbers!!

We don’t want the National World Globe Star Enquirer interfering with our dinner, now do we??

Took a little while but I found an appropriately silly video for this week. Please watch as Red Green broadens our gardening horizon just a bit…

Because it’s so terrible I’ve purposely avoided writing about the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  How can one even begin to describe the extreme sadness such a terrible disaster brings?  And I’m not even a gulf coast resident!

I’m not going to restate the obvious about how we need to plug the leak forever and clean up the mess like a month ago.  Instead, I’ll jump on the much less popular bandwagon regarding how such a horrible spill could occur in the first place.

Never mind the suspected safety shortcuts that congress is digging into.  The bottom line is this:  our society is addicted to petroleum.  Not sure if you’ve ever met a heroin addict or maybe really learned what addiction is all about; but for practicing addicts one thing is always true:  they engage in destructive behavior and ignore the consequences.

That is of course until they get caught.

We’ve been caught.  From what I can tell, the only reason we have such a disaster in the gulf is because we allow offshore drilling.  Why do we allow offshore drilling?  Because we consume a lot of oil; and if we didn’t drill offshore it would be more expensive.  Then we’d be forced to do silly things like try to use less energy and hunt busily for alternative methods of meeting our energy needs.

Boy would that be stupid or what??   A totally crazy and brand new idea:  create much needed jobs here at home; slow climate change, and clean up the planet all in one fell swoop.  Pretty ridiculous logic, eh?

Anyone remember that high gas prices during the Arab Oil Embargo were what prompted the promotion of ethanol and biodiesel?  Don’t get me wrong, the internal combustion engine is probably not a viable solution for the long term.   However, such alternatives coupled with wind and solar energy and conservation can get us moving in the right direction…

“Who has all these lights on in the house???  Whaddya think, we own the power company??”  Mom and Dad used to yell stuff like this at us when we were kids.   I’m sad to admit I commute to work; but I do try to save fuel by driving under the speed limit (40 mpg @ 65 mph).  And we don’t leave the electronics on at home when nobody is listening, watching, or computing or whatever.

I grew up with a wonderful comic strip called “Pogo” by Walt Kelly.   One of my favorite quotes is Pogo complaining about the follies of human nature, “WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY AND HE IS US.”

Ain’t it the truth.

“My kind of town, Chicago is…” Well Frank Sinatra sang it, and it’s a nice place to visit, but I am REALLY GLAD I don’t live there! This past week made year number 6 for me working in Chicago.

The company I work for shows their wares at NeoCon, and me and my good friend John come in after all the furniture in the showroom is set up. We are the computer guys, so our mission is to set up computers all nice and pretty.

John has reminded me more than once that “it’s a good gig.” I concede that he’s right but having been a country boy for over forty years I am always glad to leave the noise. I mean hey, Chicago has a LOT of people!! More than thirteen I believe. And all the traffic and trains make for constant rumble. Nothing close to the congestion in New York mind you (I’m speaking from experience).

Although we work our butts off it really IS a good gig… we don’t eat McDonalds if you know what I mean. And over the years John and I have become very close friends. Pretty hard to beat that… we work very well together and seem to please the bosses.

I drove home today, very glad to be driving OUT of the city instead of IN; especially since the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup and the whole town is going nuts with celebrations. So Dorothy, I totally agree… “There’s no place like home.”

Ah, summertime… cookouts, fresh berries, warm sunny days, and lots of BUGS!! Especially if you live in Podunk Swamp Land, which is exactly where we live.  The vampire bugs have been especially thick lately… this includes deer flies, skeeters, and black flies.  Oh, not to forget the gnats.  They all get hungry every stinking time I go outside.  Deer flies are not too bad because they aren’t nearly as numerous as the stupid skeeters, and they’re dumb enough that you can kersmoosh them easily.  Black flies are meanies punks kakahead mooka flarns, because I have yet to swat one successfully.  You may be able to swat one if they have their blood sucking stabber thing deep into your skin, but I’m a wimp and don’t like the pain.  So, I try to swat as quickly as I can and cry for ow when I miss them and hit me. Skeeters are the worst.  I mean, there are so many of these stupid things that I swear to The Giant Rhinoceros Statue that I was lifted off the ground by a swarm of them the other day.  I have killed many of them.  And as many of you know, when they die, your own blood is on your hands!

One thing nice about living in the swamp:  you’ll never go hungry.  If you need a snack, just run through our yard with your mouth open, and you’ll get a meal and a half of all kinds of different flying meat.  I eat them all the time… not purposely mind you, but it happens.  Gnats seem to be the most common meal I ingest.  I especially enjoy talking to someone outside and having a quick bug snack.   Ah well.  Summer also means that the dragonflies and their cousins the damselflies are hatching out.  They eat skeeters.  And gnats.  And deer flies.  And black flies.  Simply put, THEY ARE MY HEROES.

Ants.  They are also very friendly right now.  We had a bunch of  them come to visit during a graduation open house, and boy did that give us the warm fuzzies inside.  Nothing makes your self esteem higher than a bunch of ants traipsing about the house when you have company from all over the universe.  My honey pie asked me, “where the *&%$ are all these ants coming from??”  Well, of course they migrate from Antarctica.  Except fire ants.  They don’t like Michigan because our winters put their fires out.  THANK GOD.

A few amazing yet little known statements about some of these bug things:  Dragonflies are from a land called Onalee.  If you get too close to them they will burn your eyebrows.   Hey, they are dragons!!  Lightning bugs are, of course, from thunderstorms.  I’m truly surprized that there is no loud noise when you see their hineys light up.  But then, what do I know about all this??  Deer flies look nothing like deer and black flies aren’t very black.  Gnats are tiny, so that one makes sense.  And of course, gnats have very tiny hineys.

Although I have nothing but hatred for mosquitoes, they are useful because they are food for not just dragonflies and damselflies, but also for bats, swallows and other wonderful animals.  And of course the mosquito wrigglers (larvae) feed fishies.  Swamp world contains many many wild critters.  So, in spite of all the bugs that are buzzin’ around our house, we will likely never leave.  We just love being part of the swamp family.

Of course, the stinkin’ skeeters can leave any time!

We hear some weird noises here in the swamp… lots of buzzing and such. Could THIS be what they’re all up to??

Let’s hear it for global warming… here it is not even June yet and we’ve mowed the lawn pretty much weekly for the past month.  To all of you kids who say “bah, humbug” to global warming, let me say this about that:  94 degrees is NOT normal weather for Michigan in May!!

Of course, hot weather plus recent rains makes the lawn grow like crazy.  Then of course it must be mowed.  But hey, I’m sorry… I’m still convinced that this is a totally STUPID human custom! Lawn mowing seems so fruitless. We certainly spend a lot of time tending a crop we can’t eat! Well, I suppose you could eat it; but you can never be sure of whether it’s tainted with doggie weewee.

Perhaps the only reason our lawn gets cut is that I have a spouse. Left to my own devices, my yard would probably grow into the giant weed patch that God intended it to be. But our marriage contract would never allow this; so I have come to accept the weekly ritual of beheading the huge conglomeration of plants we call a lawn.

We don’t harvest the clippings or fertilize or anything, just mow. Fortunately, my wife and I agree that the less work a lawn brings, the better off we are. Sure, she would LOVE to have golf course quality turf; but she begrudgingly respects my organic gardening philosophies.  In other words, no chemicals are ever applied to our lawn.   Consequently, grass grows but so do lots of other green things.  Some people are very fussy though; and they water, fertilize, and carefully count the blades of greenery. They want to make absolutely sure that grass and ONLY grass is growing. I’d love to invite some of those types to inspect my weedy ground, and watch them go nuts. Then I’d invite them in for a grapefruit milk shake and rationalize the value of a weedy lawn.

Many of those “weeds” mingling with our grass are actually beneficial! Here are two examples: clover is a legume, so its roots make nitrogen (as all good legumes do), which feeds the lawn. Dandelion greens are rich in vitamins and minerals, and the tender young leaves have long been valued by the French and many other cultures as a vegetable.

Personally, I find myself grateful for clover and other weeds. They join together with the grass to form a nice carpet at my place; one that I’m not afraid to play Tackle The Kids on. If we go a little longer between mowings, we get some beautiful flowers, too! Hate to mow then, because the bees are feeding!

I mean, we must be doing something right, because the lawn is always nice and green, and we never water it. I’m beginning to think there are some sick puppies out there, because I see a lot of lawn watering. There is only one result of watering the grass. It GROWS. Then you have to MOW it. Are there really people in this world that LIKE mowing? If you’re one of this strange breed, lemme check your temperature once.

Some eggplant-headed folks (pardon my French) even post KEEP OFF THE GRASS signs! That’s more anti-American than flag burning if you ask me. How do they mow the stuff if you have to KEEP OFF? They’re probably the same guys who have their automatic sprinklers going full-tilt-boogie during thunderstorms.

Well, my kids are grown now, so long gone are the days when I could pass the job to them whenever I could get away with it. Ahhh those were the days… I could actually focus on much more productive chores like spending more time in the garden.  And as I pulled weeds and munched the occasional radish, I could daydream about them mowing down my baby trees and flinging rocks at the picture window at 87 mph. But I distinctly remember taking comfort in the fact that they finally understood why I freaked out about all those toys that used to hide in the lawn on mowing day. Nothing like the “ker-CRACK!” of a squirt gun being processed by the mower! Or the unmistakable “VOOOFF!” of a Nerf Ball disintegrating with a single pass.

Oh well.  In the interest of domestic harmony, I will continue to obey and help with the lawn.  These days my beautiful girlfriend (the one I married) loves to ride the tractor and sing out loud to the songs I put on her MP3 player.  Of course, she has noise reduction headphones on so she can’t tell whether she’s off key.  I confess I’ve had a chuckle or two listening to her Cub Cadet Karaoke sessions while I’m out running the trim mower.

Where else do you get a free workout PLUS entertainment??

Well, I simply HAD to find a video for this week, so here we go: many of you have heard of Red Green… here’s an episode where he illustrates an inventive way to put your mower to work.

Please do not interest yourself with any Happy Friday monkey business on this blog thing this week. That is because I am again on vacation, and you are not. Unless you are, in which case we can all vacation in different places together. In fact, I will be so grateful that I will gladly let you pay for gas and I’ll reciprocate by allowing you to pay for our food and lodging as well.

Is that a deal or what??

So off we go to Winedance. Well that’s what Grandma Loftus used to call it. It’s actually Rhinelander, Wisconsin; home of the hodag. Do NOT be caught alone in the woods with a hodag! OH GOD OH GOD! Go ahead, Google “hodag;” I double-D dare ya.

Not only are we gonna visit family but we will be staying in the very resort where, 38 years ago this day, my lovely girlfriend and I became official sweeties. Long story there… anyway after a year of that fun we got hitched and now we even like each other!! Anyway, it’s late outside and I must post this and run away sleeping. Long drive tomorrow.

Peace, Love, and Cheese Curds;

Kenny Kakahead

Corporate greed.  That’s what my friends and I have been talking about at work lately.  Recent events at work have slammed home the awful truth that the people who call the shots in corporations like ours live in a different universe.  They really don’t care much about the average family person who is trying to make a living.  They may say they do, but they really don’t.  Otherwise, jobs in this country would not be moved to other countries.  Sure, if we kept the jobs here it would “cost more to do business,” which mostly seems to mean that the big shots wouldn’t get their millions.  Well maybe they don’t need millions.  Does anybody really need more than a million dollars??  Not me… so they can just give me a million and I’ll quit complaining about corporate greed.

Or not…

Anyway, since I know people whose jobs are in jeopardy I thought maybe I’d try to be a helpful with this week’s Happy Friday thing.  I have been the victim of corporate downsizing in the past; so I’ve been there and done that.  It wasn’t the end of the world.  Actually it was the beginning of a pretty cool journey.  I explored some alternative career ideas and got to know myself and my family better.  And finally after many moons of being out of work, I got a job.

One thing I’ve learned is:  probably the most important ingredient of a good job hunt is a resume.  Keep it to a single page.  Emphasize your strengths and achievements, and especially focus on the skills you have that an employer needs.  What I ended up doing was keeping a general resume “on file” and modified it to suit the particular job I was targeting.

Another good tool is an introductory cover letter.  For a guide, I dug one of my old ones out of my archives and thought I would share it with you.  You have my permission to steal it and alter it in any way you see fit.  This one may (or may not) be the exact same letter I sent to Ludmilla Sunkenchin, who was HR director of Blammo Manufacturing.  So without any further ado, here it be:

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To Whom It May Concern,

This is in response to the advertisement for a Working Type Person. I understand that you were accepting money up front, to get people jobs and stuff like that. I intended to respond sooner, but a small cow has been telling me things and forced me to listen. Please consider this as a letter of application because I need a stinking job.

The jerks I have been working for at XYZ Industries these past 27 days have laid me off ; and I’m sure I don’t need to tell a person like you how that makes me squirm inside.  However, I believe that I the skills I acquired there were probably useless, but that doesn’t really matter now does it??. I’m really good at taking breaks, and I know how to impress the best of them. I figure that if you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull manookey. I worked on various types of equipment during my career at XYZ, but most of it was pretty old and always screwing up, so I don’t really know how to run anything without a large hammer in the immediate vicinity.

I have computer experience… after all, I do own a Sony Playstation.  Them video games have really increased my ability to react quickly under stress. There goes a fly! HA! Got it!!  See what I mean? As for my ability to interact with others, I enjoy meeting new people, especially when they give me money. Those are the nice ones, ya know?

Please let me know the exact date upon which I can expect to apply my skills at your place of employment. I am available for an interview, and would enjoy the opportunity to give you $20 up front and more if I get the job. I will be “checking in” frequently with you to keep tabs on your progress in hiring me.  Get back to me soon, or else you may soon find some “souvenirs” from my kitty’s litter box in your mail slot.

Ha ha, just kidding I think maybe.

Thank You,

ME (you will learn more about me during the hiring process, and especially when I have learned of my start date)

P.S.: I can’t work where women are present, because I usually have pretty offensive gas.  Also, if there are men around, they should stay away from me, because they normally have even worse gas than me.  Other than that, I can do work real good unless I don’t feel like doing what you ask me to do.  In cases like that, just ask me what I feel like doing that day and I’ll probably get right to it.

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Well my friends there you have it.  As I said, feel free to use this cover letter in its entirety if you wish.  Or maybe tweak it a little… but I think it stands on its own merit.  If you find it useful, please let me know very soon; as I also have some bridge property for sale at reduced rates for special people like you.

Or perhaps you’d go for some yummy, roly-poly fish heads!!