Kakahead

Although summer is my favorite time of year, autumn rates a very close second when I consider what’s happening in the garden.  Most of the warm weather crops have been frosted to death now; so the remaining harvest is, in large part, greens. 

My beautiful girlfriend and I got hooked on greens as a result of living in Dixie while I was in the Air Force.  Southerners do love their greens:  collards, turnip greens, beet greens, mustard greens…   We tried all of them and were smitten pretty much instantly.  Greens of one variety or another have been a staple in our garden ever since. They are easy to grow and packed with nutrition.  And of course, while we are eating our greens, we sing the Greens Eating Song: 

Greens!!  Greens!! They’re good for your heart!!

The more you eat ‘em the more you’re smart!!

The more you’re smart, the better you feel,

So eat  your greens with every meal!!

(And eat clam chowder to make them louder!!)

Well maybe that’s not how the song goes…

Anyway, greens are one of the most versatile vegetables for the simple fact that you can eat them just as soon as they start growing; and continue to harvest right up through winter.  I garden intensively; meaning I grow a lot of food in a small space.  I often purposely sow seeds for collards or kale a bit too thickly and thin them out as they germinate.  The remaining seedlings are then allowed to grow a bit more, and I continue to harvest by thinning as the plants grow.  The sprouts and / or young plants are a wonderful addition to any almost any dish, salad and stir-fry to name just two.   Just snip off the roots, rinse a bit, and toss them into whatever you like.  I’ve even been known to use them as a substitute for lettuce on a sandwich. 

Eventually my beds of greens will be thinned so there’s about a foot between plants.  Many of them will thrive throughout the entire gardening season.   I often plant root crops in the beds with the greens.   Here’s an example, click the image for a better view.

Swiss chard and beets

Again, this allows me to grow more food in a smaller space.   The combination of leafy vegetables and root crops keeps weeds at bay while the vegetables thrive.  Beds are also a good habitat for toads, spiders, and other beneficial creatures who keep pest insect damage to a minimum.

Swiss chard tastes very similar to spinach. However, spinach will “bolt” and go to seed in the heat of summer while chard will produce right up to winter. It’s frost hardy, but after the temp falls below 20 degrees F for awhile it will die.  Therefore, the Swiss chard has to be completely harvested before the weather stays bitter cold.  Kale and collards, though, will survive the entire winter.  These two are among our favorites.  They’re good, hearty fare at the table either by themselves or mixed up in other dishes.  The flavor is pretty strong in summer but mellows nicely when the cool weather comes.  And besides, aren’t they just plain pretty?  Again, click on the pictures for a larger view.

Beautiful Kale

We Do Love Our Collards

On more than one occasion I’ve picked collards or kale, and also kohlrabi out of the snow.  Although they  appear to be dead in the garden they’re still green.  When brought inside the effectiveness of their natural antifreeze shows up as they magically “come to life.”  A good snow cover is welcome in the kale and collard beds, because snow protects their leaves from getting wind burn during the cold winter weather. 

However, I’ve learned the hard way that it’s a good idea to mark where the beds are with some long sticks.  It’s no fun shoveling snow around looking for your greens!

Now HERE’S a guy who always loved his greens…

Summer has waved bye-bye here in beautiful West Michigan.  Forty two degrees out tonight already, and my Beautiful Girlfriend and I were scrambling to harvest the last of the tomatoes this evening.  Usually such a low temperature before sundown means a heavy frost overnight.  However, even though we’ve had more than enough rain lately, I see clouds lingering and the deck has telltale signs of a few sprinkles.  Rain means frost is unlikely, but better safe than sorry.

I was in the garden Wednesday evening also, with the dual purpose of picking tomatoes and avoiding the Tupperware party that was busily occupying our home.  My good friend Steve accompanied his lovely bride to the Tupperware gig, and when he learned I was in the garden that gave him an excellent escape plan.

Daylight began to vanish so the tomatoes became less and less visible.  Then Steve asked, “what else you need to get?”  I brought him over to the popcorn row and we got as many ears as we could see. 

That’s right… the popcorn row.  I don’t really have the space to grow a big patch of corn, so I grew about 10 plants each of sweet corn and popcorn.  Raising the popcorn was purely recreational.  As you may know, corn doesn’t fill the cobs with kernels well unless it’s pollinated completely.  When you only grow one row of corn, the best success occurs when the popcorn is pollinated by hand.  So as we were picking I was relating the pollination story to Steve:  “yeah, I saved the seed from some popcorn I bought from this art studio (the Khnemu Studio)we visit every year.  They make pottery but also raise vegetables organically and have lots of interesting poultry.  The plants grew so tall I had to climb a step ladder to get to the tassles!!” 

We finished picking just as the early autumn night had set upon us.  All the ladies were on their way out of the party when they spied our haul from the garden.  I couldn’t resist pulling back the husks on several of the ears of popcorn.  That, of course resulted in not only a few “ooohhss and aaahhhs” but also in me giving away several ears.  That’s very OK, I grew the popcorn for fun anyway, and it’s also fun to share.  Aren’t they pretty?? Freddy seems to think so…

Freddy thinks corn husks are fun. Click the picture for a better view.

I simply had to show off my toy popcorn you know… it’s only fair.  After all, my Beautiful Girlfriend shows her toys off every season.  Sometimes I joke with her (and family and friends) that if she gets any more seasonal decoration stuff our house will explode from creative critical mass.  It really is a treat for me to watch her get into “decorating mode,” where she pulls all her toys out and places them just so.  She’s had several of her gems for many years, and she often remarks aloud about the memories they conjure up when she holds them and ponders where they need to be.  I have to admit she’s developed quite the knack for making our house festive for every major holiday.  Just look at some of her handiwork. Again, click on the pictures for a better view: 

A Hallowe'en Latrine??

Of course, the bathroom window has to look the part…

Spider web - skeleton window treatment

I call them “my speakers,” but they are also “her counter tops…”

Jack O' Lanterns On Top of My Speaker!!

  As you can see we have no shortage of toys…popcorn or otherwise.  And these are just for Hallowe’en!!  We are basically spoiled rotten.  We’re blessed  with plenty to eat, a nice home, and the love of wonderful friends and family.  What more can we ask for?

Well I’m not sure, but I think my Beautiful Girlfriend still wants more toys! 

Did someone say, “TOYS??”

Summer is in full bloom here in Michigan Land, and with warm (and lately wet) weather comes:  BUGS!!! RAARRRGGHH!!  GET THE GUN! GET THE GUN!

No no, no guns.  Sure, I’ve often been tempted to carry a shotgun on a walk with me and blast a hole in one of those big mosquito swarms that follows me around.  But that might not be practical, and I doubt that the neighbors would appreciate it.  And if you use a gun inside, well that makes holes in your home that are unsightly and drafty in the winter.  Oh yes, and people can get hurt too (duh).

Sure, I hate mosquitoes and other such nasty insects, but I keep telling myself that Mom Nature has a plan for the stupid things.  We rarely use poison to kill bugs… sprays and foggers are often worse than the bugs you are using them on.  I very rarely use bug repellents like OFF or whatever.   I’m sorry, but I’d rather suffer than put poison on my body.  And in the case of those outdoor foggers, unfortunately they also kill many GOOD bugs.  The same goes for in the garden, and because we don’t spray, we get lots of beneficial insects like praying mantis, lacewings, ladybugs and the like.

Other friendly bugs are spiders.  Wait a minute… SPIDERS!! ARRRGGHH! GET THE GUN! GET THE GUN! Oh wait, no guns.  So ok, we don’t really freak out quite that badly.   In fact, spiders actually get a fair trial at our place. I’ve actually learned to appreciate the beauty in those little eight-legged alien beings. Being the organic gardeners that we are, the family has learned to respect beneficial bugs as a valuable resource. Yeah, I know. Spiders aren’t technically bugs. Tell that to your six year old and see how far you get!

Anyhow, spiders don’t strike terror in our hearts these days (ya, right). That statement is pretty much true, especially if :

A) WE KNOW WHERE THE SPIDER IS, AND

12) IT’S THERE WHEN IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE.

To explain item 12) above, I really need to come clean and admit that many spiders have been killed execution style simply by showing up near one of us by surprise.  But we really do try to save them if we can and I’ve even grown to the point where I can pick them up…sometimes. But when those rascals are crawling on me unannounced, I have been known to do one of two things, either greet them with a sudden KERSMOOSH, or I do  a most unusual running dance. I also chant while run-dancing:  “OGodHolyCowYoySpiderBig!!!” Or something like that.  As I said, spiders will normally get a fair trial at our house. When discovered, they are captured and released in the garden. Spider sightings cause the family to summon me with big voices. If Mr. or Mrs. Spider (How do you tell, anyway? Don’t EVEN ask me to inspect their private parts!) isn’t too large, I’ll scoop it into my palm and carefully encage it in my hand. I set them free behind the compost pile, or someplace where they can find cover. The big ones, however, are strictly jar material.

An excellent critter catching device can be built with a jelly jar and one of those ejector type cards from a magazine.  You know, the ones that fall out of a fresh-out-of-the-mailbox magazine when you’re on the potty.  They’re easily identified by their large bold print that goes something like:   “YES! Send me 956 weeks of Dirteaters Digest for only $34.67, $50 less than newsstand price!“ If you don’t have a jelly jar, a drinking glass is also a good bug holder. Such a device is also useful for wasps, which are also beneficial critters. Woe unto the spider or wasp who is in the wrong place at the wrong time, though. Those guys get the old El-Kabong treatment. Know what you have then? Bug guts!  Ooo, ocky, yicky. Paper towel, please.

Sometimes rain has fostered a population boom of a garden pest that rhymes with bugs, SLUGS. Man, I hate those things.  I remember being totally intrigued by them when I was a kid:  “Wow!! A snail with no shell!!  Cool!!”    Now it’s:  “HEY!!  These *&%$ things are eating my plants!!  GET THE GUN! GET THE GUN!“  Oh right… no guns.  Anyway, sticking to my organic ways, I won’t buy slug poison.  We saw some in the store and I wanted it badly.  Very badly. But I figure there’s enough poison on our planet without me spreading more.

I heard years ago that beer will kill them.  You pour it into a shallow pan and put it on the ground, and the slugs are attracted and drown in it.  I reluctantly bought some last year.  I say “reluctantly,” because before I learned my lesson, I’d already bought enough for one lifetime and I very nearly “drowned” in it… if you get my drift.  At first, I tried to collect slugs.  What a wonderful task… you get free slime for your fingers which is a bear to get off, but I can’t help but admit the strange satisfaction I get out of killing those doggone things.  One year I had so many that I was getting very frantic, so just for the heck of it I took the salt shaker out to the garden with me at night.  A few sprinkles of salt on a very big slug is a very disgusting thing to watch.  They melt.  Salt melts slugs.  Like right now.  And it is very gross.  This year I mixed a bunch of salt with about a gallon of water in a 5 gallon pail, and when I go slug hunting, they are dunked into the execution tank.  But that is way too labor intensive.  If I put a little bowl of beer down near the plant I want to protect, the slugs go for the suds much more readily than they go for the veggies.  They are hopeless alcoholics… they drink themselves to death, and don’t seem to care that the bodies of their friends-and-neighbors type slugs are already drowned in the brew.  Might be a message there…

Anyway, sure, this organic gardening can be frustrating at times.  However, if you plan your garden carefully and encourage natural predators (beneficial insects and spiders), it is also very rewarding to grow food that you know is safe to eat.  And yes, of course I realize that slugs may rhyme with bugs, but they are not bugs at all, they’re gastropod mollusks.  As far as I know, slugs have no natural enemies.

Well, maybe they have one:  ME.

As those of you who read this silly Happy Friday!!! stuff know, I love looking back at the entertainment of yesteryear. Here’s one in “3-D Animation” about a famous spider.

Summer isn’t officially here in beautiful West Michigan, but around here summer “begins” on Memorial Day and starts slipping away after Labor Day. We’ve had some 90 degree days already and a good amount of rain. Needless to say, the vegetation has exploded all around us.

The garden is a-kickin’ in…

Friends and family know that organic gardening is permanently embedded in my soul. I always fuss because I get the planting done “way too late;” then I fuss some more when the kids go back to school and all the harvesting has to be done.

I simply love all of it to pieces.

I’m a bed planter. No, that does not mean that I dig really large holes and put bedroom furniture in them. What it actually means is that, because I like to make the most of my miniature farm, I do a lot of companion planting in beds about 2 feet wide rather than many single rows. Companion planting involves a little “reminder research” each year; during which time I read up on what plants like to live with each other.

Rows are nice and tidy, and relatively easy to maintain. However, I can get much more “production” from beds once they get established. Of course, bed planting also invites weeds, and for the first few weeks of the garden season it can be a challenge to keep the “uninvited guest” plants out.

Most of you call these uninvited plants weeds. I guess a weed, by at least one definition, is a nuisance plant. Many weeds are useful and even edible, however. My Dad introduced us to “sour grass” when we were very small. It’s actually called sheep sorrel, and is sometimes used as a salad green. Dad also got us into wild berries and fruits, so of course it’s not uncommon for us to think of him when we are chowing down on some wild strawberries or blueberries.

When I left home, my interest in natural foods grew and I started gathering books on native plants and such. Friends still think I’m a little off when I stop in my tracks and pick some wild greens for munching. One of my personal favorites is lambs quarters, which is actually quite nutritious. Actually tastes pretty darn good too. Then our friend Pam introduced me to purslane, another common “weed” that is packed with nutrients including omega 3 oils.

But while weeds can be yummy and useful, I have to admit that my gardening focus has been primarily set on keeping “weeds” like lambs quarters and purslane OUT of the garden. Hey, I figure if I really want to eat them, all I have to do is do a little weeding, or else venture outside the garden a bit and find all I want.

Recently however, our lovely, tree-hugging daughter (the nuts don’t fall far from the tree, so to speak) informed us that she spent $4.50 on a one gallon bag of lambs quarters at a local organic produce market. Upon hearing this, I had to chuckle a bit.

“You bought lambs quarters?!?!?” I snickered. I’ll have a bunch soon… how much can I get for them? “Yeah,” she said a bit sheepishly. “It’s the only fresh greens they had.”

Yesterday I called her while I was weeding out in the garden.

“Hi, this is K&K Hansen Farms calling. I have lambs quarters coming, I can sell you them for $2.50 a pound. I have a produce scale in the shed… just weigh up what you want and leave your money in the jar.”

After the joking and poking, I asked seriously if she wanted them (for free of course).

“I’m weeding right now… if you want some of these I’ll forget to pull them out of the ground and save them for you.”

So I did. And I did something historic: I ACTUALLY MULCHED AROUND THE LAMBS QUARTERS TO HELP THEM GROW BETTER. Never in my living life would I have guessed that I’d be mulching “weeds.”

Here’s a photo to prove it!!

I mulched these "weeds" for cryin' out loud!!

Then to make things even more interesting, we brought some rhubarb to one of our favorite local restaurants, Mia and Grace, and were talking to our server. A nice gent, probably around the same age as our lovely daughter. He mentioned that he enjoys eating both lambs quarters and purslane.

Maybe I’m on the cutting edge of a burgeoning market!! Planting could be pretty simple next year. Just make my planting beds and water, then watch the food sprout!

OK, maybe I’ll grow some beans, corn, and squash and such too just for the halibut (we also love fish).

Now here’s a way to prepare vegetables that I’ve never really thought of before…

Easy as it may be to focus on what’s wrong in the world, every once in awhile I get a day that gives me great hope.  I believe that the world will not change meaningfully from the top down, but rather from the bottom up.  One local example of positive change is the increased popularity of the farmers markets.  People grow or prepare wonderful food right here in our neighborhood; and local people show their support by thronging to market.  Sometimes one pays a bit more when buying directly from the farmer; but it’s well worth it.  And the growers are not getting rich, but they are sustaining themselves.

More and more of us are catching on to the fact that keeping our money and resources close to us will benefit those in our community directly.  All the while, Mother Earth is being cared for just a wee bit more because the food is not being shipped across the planet to a place that grows the exact same crop.

Sustainability emerges again and again as an alternative to “bigger is better.”  In other words, it makes much more long term sense to help each other thrive than it does for a minority to take advantage of the masses in order to acquire exorbitant wealth.

Yes, I know, there I go dreaming again.  However, I still believe that our biggest vote is the money we spend.  What we buy describes the type of world we want.  If we favor locally produced foods and tone down our “stuff addiction” we can help to make the planet a cleaner, safer place.

My beautiful girlfriend and I grew up in the 1960s when lots of us dreamed of stopping pollution, racial and social inequality, and of course war.  One of the finest compliments she gave me during our early dating years was, “you know Ken, you could be a hippie with no problem.”   Although I didn’t really embrace the “free love” (monogamy is much less confusing) or “turn on, tune in, and drop out” philosophies (drugs can kill you), I was pretty vehement about such silly ideas as “make love not war,” and “love your Mother (Nature).”  We often dreamed of having a small farm and growing veggies and fruit organically.  Although I would love to have much more ground, we settled on a 5 acre plot that’s close enough to town to be convenient but far enough away to see thousands of stars in the sky at night.

Recently we were able to begin a relationship with the owners of Mia And Grace, a local restaurant that welcomes produce from local growers.  We ate there a couple times and mentioned we loved to garden organically.  After a few conversations I ended up bringing a large trash bag full of freshly picked collard greens (along with a few stalks of swiss chard), and also hubbard squash to the restaurant.  Additionally, we had a much larger hubbard squash but they didn’t really have room for it.  That one ended up at the Rescue Mission.

Our first time, meager contribution to their pantry became a life changing experience.   Pretty spiritual really.  I told the owner that I was not interested in gouging anyone for my organic produce.  I merely wanted to prevent it from going to waste and hopefully help someone in the process.   He and I were happy to know that we were both on the same page.  “This is the way the world is supposed to work,” we both asserted. He asked me what I thought the haul was worth.  Being the shrewd businessman I am, I said confidently, “I have absolutely no clue.  We’ve never done this before.”  He threw out a figure which I thought to be quite generous; and of course I accepted immediately.

As he was writing me a slip; I asked about whether we qualified to have our names added to  his “Farmers and Friends” list, which is posted in the restaurant and also on their website.  “Absolutely,” he exclaimed, “what do you call yourselves?”

“Oh I dunno,” I floundered.  “K + K Hansen I guess.”

“OK, I’ll put you down as K + K Hansen Farms,” he replied.

I was simply elated.  We shook hands and exchanged mutual thanks, and I scampered outside to the van where my lovely girlfriend and our Musky Da Husky were waiting.

“Well Honey, you are now a farmer’s wife,” I chuckled, and told her the wonderful story.  Not sure where all this will take us, but it has definitely caused my mind to go into high gear about next spring.

It only took 37 years of marriage to get to this point, but dreams do come true… we are officially farmers!

Lastly for this week, a big THANK  YOU to Ed for pointing out the Who song, “Now I’m A Farmer” which I confess I had never heard before.  But here it is specially for your enjoyment…

On the other hand, you have this interesting cartoon depicting EXACTLY how a farmer lives…

I consider myself a very fortunate person.  Besides the fact that my life is truly blessed by family, friends; and so on; I also believe that being on the planet as long as I have is simply one big bonus.   I remember marveling at all the stuff Grandma Loftus saw during her lifetime.  She was born in 1900 and lived until 1973; doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that she saw a few changes in the world.

Well we baby boomers have seen a few changes too; but we’ve also reaped the benefit of being around when the old stuff was still cool.   Just one of a million examples is Walt Kelly’s “Pogo.”  If you’ve never heard of such a thing, for a nice introduction please check it out here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pogo_%28comics%29

It was a very funny yet often profound comic strip of yesteryear.   Pogo and his pals would often worry about someone getting a bad case of the “cold robbie’s.”  Pretty nice play on words for all of us who knew what kohlrabi was.

Some of you may say, “cole WHA??”  No, kohlrabi (pronounced cole-RAH-bee).  It’s a vegetable.  You eat it.  Cook it or eat it raw, either way is simply wonderful; especially after it’s been in the garden after a frost.  Sweetens up nicely.

So, yes, I’m an old fart and yes, I’ve actually eaten kohlrabi.  We just had some last Sunday for dinner as a matter of fact.  And yes, I grew it in the garden.

Here’s what it looks like:

Good to ward off the Cold Robbie's...

You eat the bulbous part of the stem, and the leaves and their stems are also very edible.  The flavor is very similar to a turnip, but sweeter.  It was a very nice addition to the carrots, parsnips, onions and “spudlets” (little tiny potatoes I found among the full sized ones in the garden) that were all added to a buffalo roast.  While we were eating we all broke out in song:

“Oh give me some toast

With a buffalo roast

Where the deer and the cantaloupe play…”

OK maybe not.  We really did have a buffalo roast, we just didn’t sing.  We try to support our Michigan growers; and the Oleson’s food stores have had buffalo meat for many years.  Check them out here:  http://www.olesonsfoods.com/home.html I just left them a compliment on their website and asked if they grow their own buffalo.  Seems like I saw a herd of theirs behind one of there store. Think I’ll ask them.

I hadn’t grown kohlrabi for many years; but decided to give it a go this past spring. We got some very nice plants! It will probably be a regular now; so long as I don’t get any vegetable-nappers like in this cartoon from 1939…

Here it is October already!!  Where does the time fly off to?  Anyhow?  Our dear friend Martha Grace commented about this very thing way back in May when a bunch of us were out gallivanting during Memorial Day weekend.  Her remark then was, “May is almost gone!  How is this possible?!?!?”  Well as the old saying goes, “time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana!”

Not sure who said that exactly…

Anyway.  One of the truly awesome things about October is the harvest.  Michigan is truly blessed in this regard; and this year has definitely been a winner for gardens.  Last year we were all praying we would actually get ripe tomatoes before our plants died of blight.  This year we’re happy the frost is on the way to kill the stupid things.  EVERYONE has way too many tomatoes.  The bean plants gave us three pickings.  There could have been more but we really began to lose interest in beans.  So we have seeds coming for next year…

I like to grow things that you just can’t find in your common everyday produce section.  Things like pods for example.  OK, they’re really called “grey hubbard” squash, but if anyone remembers the original movie “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” you’ll know why our family calls them pods.  See for yourself.  Click on the photo for the full view. —>

This thing weighs about 50 pounds.

As you saw in the first picture our pumpkins did pretty well.   The next picture shows the pod posing with some of the pumpkins we got this year.

Two pumpkin plants proved to be more than enough.

And of course we have the “Michigan watermelons.”

Lots of seeds but quite delicious.

I got the seeds from a nice gent who was selling organically grown melons at the farmers market about five years ago (maybe more… time flies, remember?).  He had “Michigan watermelons” and “sky and stars” melons.  I asked him why they were named such, and he replied “these are the only watermelons that reliably grow in Michigan.”  He was referring to both the Michigan watermelon and the sky and stars melon; so I bought one of each.  Both were simply delicious.  The only “complaint” would be that the Michigan watermelon had lots and lots of seeds.  I put “complaint” in quotes because it’s not really a problem for a seed saver like me.

Last but not least is the sky and stars melon.  We attacked this melon right away because it was REALLY ready to eat.  So, silly me, I didn’t get a picture of it until we had eaten most of it.

Is this a cool melon or what?

I found a similar animal called “moon and stars” at Park Seed’s website which has very large round patches of yellow.  This variety has no moons

Here's the innards... very sweet with watermelon texture but different flavor.

I’ve been saving the seeds and growing both kinds of Michigan melons for several years now, and if I get them in the ground early enough they always produce. This is a big deal for us because we love watermelon but I was never able to get them to go to full maturity before.

I was out in the garden yesterday getting what will probably be the last of the tomatoes.  We’re going up north with some friends this weekend and the weather report looks like frost.

That will be the end of the tomatoes, but there are still lots of collards, kohlrabi, kale, beets, and swiss chard (although the latter two may get nipped a bit).  Maybe even the tail end of the rhubarb if we’re lucky.  OH!! and not to forget the potatoes!!  Just for the fun of it I plopped some potato hunks I salvaged from some that were sprouting in the pantry.  The silly things did very well so I’m eager to see what kind of buried treasure awaits.

In the meantime, ol’ Jack Frost will usher in the magical transformation that is autumn.  Speaking of Jack Frost… here’s one of my favorites from 1934:

“Hand me that pitchfork, will you? I hate to do this while you’re here, but I gotta take care of something before I forget,” I said to my urban friend. He followed me to the far west side of the garden and saw the huge hulk in the distance. When we reached the immense carcass, my friend stood back as I plunged the tines of my pitch fork into it. I lifted a thick layer of skin off the beast, exposing its insides.  Warm, dank steam rose from within, and I smiled as we watched its innards wriggle about vigorously. My friend gasped with amazement and exclaimed, “Good God, it’s alive!”

Well, it’s not completely alive, but really a pile of dead things.  But, there are things living on the dead stuff.  The wriggly things are alive, but the dead stuff is dead. But that’s what makes it so grand. If the wriggly things that ate the dead stuff died, it wouldn’t be nearly as wonderful. Are you getting disgusted yet?? Before you toss your cookies, let me tell you I’m talking about turning a compost pile. But honestly now, if I mentioned compost in the first paragraph, would you have read this far?

Ok. Bear with me, and I’ll make the compost adventure as interesting as possible. At least, as interesting as a heap of rotting veggie matter can be. With all the hoopla about recycling, and the interest in homegrown vegetables, I just wanted to say a few words on my V to V Converter. Say what now?? Vegetable to Vegetable Converter. The compost pile.  You know… you take dead vegetables and recycle them into new ones.

Alright, I’ll quit speaking in code. Compost makes sense, even for folks with small yards. Obviously, it’s not really practical in a high rise apartment complex, but some maverick city folk are raising corn and such on rooftops, so you never know. Compost is primo fertilizer, and it’s “free.” The only cost is your time, and whatever you paid for the veggies and fruits from which the compost is made.

Find a nice spot with no trees or bushes in the immediate vicinity, and declare it Compost World. Trees and bushes love compost, so if you pile it on their tootsies, they’ll fill it with their rootsies. Try to find a place that gets some shade, because compost likes to be kept somewhat cool. If you can’t find shade, not to worry.  You can just add lots of fluffy stuff (like leaves) on top for insulation.  Wire fence all around it is kinda neat too. If space is a problem, you may want to buy or build a compost maker. Those even come with instructions!

I have a compost pile, size large, which didn’t come with instructions. The basic “cooking” compost pile is made of alternating layers of carbonaceous (brown) and nitrogenous (green) material. Ya, right. So what the heck is that, huh?  Carbonaceous stuff is just about any plant matter that is dead, brown, dried up, deceased, and not even remotely fresh or happy. Sawdust, leaves, pine needles, or straw are some examples. Put about six or more inches of that stuff down to start.  Cover with about six inches of nitrogenous stuff:  kitchen scraps like fruit and veggie waste, coffee grounds, and tea bags for example. We chuck that stuff in a bucket and dump it when it’s full. Also full of nitrogen are freshly picked weeds or grass clippings. And not to forget manure, but only that from vegetarian critters like moo cows or goat sheeps.  Some folks also use chicken manure with good result.  Aside from all that, you can throw in some eggshells for “lime.” Don’t use eggs, just the shell.

WARNING!! DANGER!! DO NOT USE MEAT OR DAIRY STUFF

OF ANY KIND IN YOUR COMPOST!

This is because:

A) It can breed disease that will literally make you sick, and

12) It might attract critters to your compost, and then THEY will get sick if they eat the rotten meat.  Now, fish are a slightly different story. Fish are good plant food, but put them straight in the ground. Six inches is a good depth, to keep the kitties from digging them up.  But please, no composting of fishies allowed.  Back to the pile, Gomer. Oops, sorry! Not punny.

Is it an absolute must to make the pile with layers? No, but layers of brown and green make chemical things happen.  The pile gets warm and steamy! This kicks off the compost process with a bang, hence the term “cooking.”  After it cools, the earthworms and other plant-crud eaters move in to wriggle about and chow down on the goodies.  Dead stuff comes alive with creepy-crawlies who are all in cahoots to party down on your yard and kitchen waste. All you have to do is make sure the sun doesn’t dry the pile out. The critters like to eat moist stuff, just like most of us prefer a little milk on our cereal. Moist is the key word here, soggy is bad. You may need to water it occasionally, but if the top layer is thick with brown stuff, it will probably be just fine.

You can let the pile sit, but you’ll hit pay dirt (ha ha… pay dirt… get it??) faster if you use a pitchfork to turn it once a week or so. Just stab the hulk with your pitch fork and toss it like a giant salad.  Top it off with more layers if you have the stuff, or just keep dumping your kitchen waste on the pile. When there’s some that’s all dark and crumbly (usually at the bottom of the pile), it’s ready to be fed to your plant friends. Water your plants first, then tell them to open wide for some food that will make them big and strong.  Then while they’re not looking, put a nice layer of compost on their toes.  Compost works best if you keep the living dead stuff alive (right, there he goes again). In other words, put some leaves or grass clippings on top of the compost to keep it moist. Dried compost just ain’t no good for nuttin’, Honey.

So there. I did it and I’m glad. I gave you the whole rotten story. Dead stuff that’s alive, HAH! Well, anyway, happy gardening. And may your garbage can swell less and less each week.

OK now for the video… I don’t have any livestock (except 2 cats and a dog); but if I did I’m sure Betty would help keep them out of mischief.