Kakahead

My belly button and I will be celebrating another birthday soon.  I think the rest of my body got older also…  Don’t worry, everything still works.  In fact, things may even be improving somewhat… at least in some respects.  Life is pretty darn good.  However, since I’ve been an official member of the AARP for awhile now, I’d like to share a few observations I’ve made about this “getting older” business:

Some down sides:

1) The hair in my ears, nose, and eyebrows grows better than the hair on my head. I figure if I lose too much more of my mop, I’ll just let all the other stuff grow out and comb it over.

Q) My body stores fat more readily than ever before.  I’m beginning to believe that all I really have to do is LOOK at food and I will gain ten pounds. Unless, of course, I’m looking at celery or carrots; they don’t fatten me. But it seems to take 430 days of drinking 34 glasses of water a day and eating nothing but bunny food to effect the loss of 1/2 pound or so. Unless I exercise.  If I run 27 miles before I have breakfast, I might be able to lose another 0.001 pound.

9) I am older than many of the people I see at work!   This has never happened to me before.  They don’t seem to mind, though. Folks just humor me when I reminisce about when the Beatles came over on the Mayflower and stuff like that. “Remember the race riots in ‘67? Oh, you weren’t born yet? Ok, you, shut up and go away. Wait… you gonna eat that Twinkie??”

F) The “good old days” consisted of obsolete technology.  I’m not talking IBM 8088 computers or “new” calculators that would actually do a square root and only cost $60 either. I’m talking Univac, a huge computer built with vacuum tubes, and watching my favorite TV programs in glorious Black and White, because that’s all there was.  Radios and TV sets all had tubes in them, and you had to wait 30 seconds for them to warm up before getting anything. Oh, and not to forget record players.  Man, I’m getting ancient here!

But believe it or don’t, there really are some positive things about this aging business:

A) I don’t have the emotional roller coaster I used to ride around on all the time.  Man, growing up was the pits!!  Well, OK, not all the time.  There was quite a bit of fun along the way.  However, don’t know about you folks, but this boy sure spent way too much time weeping and gnashing his teeth. These days, I try to be grateful and count my blessings instead of whining and numbering all my troubles.  Works most of the time.  And I have more patience than I’ve ever had…

Take driving, for example. Used to be a daily thing for me to get totally ticked off at idiot drivers. Someone would cut me off, right? So I’d get an adrenalin rush, and catch up to them to yell something like this:   “Hey Chicken Lips! Examine my angry red face while I display one of my more memorable fingers to your eye things! You have no brain! I question your ancestral heritage! I believe you are a bark eater!”  All the while, my skin would be crawling with adrenalin goose bumps, and that funny taste would linger in the back of my mouth. I didn’t really like the feeling, but it took quite awhile for me to put it all into perspective. Nowadays, if a mentally ill driving person does me some dirt, I mutter something like, “oh thank you, Flavorhead. See you in the obituaries.” They never get to see me lose my temper, and with any luck, I never see them again, anyway.  This is probably a good thing, because you just never know who might have a bazooka or something lying next to them on the driver’s seat.

12) My wife and I still chase each other, and it’s better than ever!  Except for that one time she wanted to invite that camel over for pizza and fake wine (maybe that was a dream).

C5) I make more money than I ever have before. Well, ok, I spend more money than I ever have before, too. In fact thanks to Visa Money Bucket Plastic Land, I can spend money I don’t have. But what the heck, my Mom and Dad didn’t leave me anything, so the least I can do is return the favor for my kids.

So, hey, life is pretty darn good. I doubt that I’m going to get younger, so I guess I’ll have to accept the fact that I’m becoming a “walking antique.”  In previous years, I’ve found myself spending way too much time dwelling on the negative, but these days I try to do a little better each year.  You know, eating right, exercising, and all that other yada yada yada.  Besides, I just might get really good at styling all that ear, nose, and eyebrow hair.

Perhaps the biggest bonus I’ve acquired along the path of this journey we call life is peace of mind.  I’ve learned (albeit sometimes the hard way) to use a few coping skills that have helped me mellow out quite a bit.  Like my reaction to change, for example.  I’m not really fond of Dennis Miller’s brand of humor, but he said a pretty neat thing awhile ago:  “Life is like riding the bus.  It requires change.”  Lots of stuff changing at work. At home too.  And in the news??  Forget about it awreddy!!  Stuff that used to make my brain explode now simply seems like an annoying little fly to be swatted out of my face.  What’s that expression…? Don’t sweat the petty things.   Or is that don’t pet the sweaty things??  You know, those two rules for stress management:  1) don’t sweat the small stuff, and 2) everything is small stuff.

It reminds me of a poem…  maybe because I made it up:

Das Bizzyvink

by Me, the Person

The stress tried to kill me, but right now it’s gone.

I mowed all the garbage and dumped out the lawn.

Drove backwards to work, it’s a new way to say,

“Hey all of you ninnies, get out of my way!”

When stress is a color, it’s probably red.

It burns up my innards and blushes my head.

It’s much better just to chill out, you see,

So there’s not too much STRESS and too little of ME.

Ya shoor, in my head there arose such a clatter,

From stressing about things that really don’t matter.

But these days I’m much better, if you don’t mind my saying.

More fun I am having, more games I am playing.

Well, I’m hoping to take stuff less seriously now.

I’ve been here before, so I think I know how.

I’ll try to stay happy and whistle while working.

More “Happy Joy Joy,” and less “You are a Jerk”-ing.

Well, this is me leaving now.  Hope all of you have a nice time on my belly button’s birthday.  And as I’ve often said, please remember that it’s better to be you than for you to be me, and that although you can count to 8, “eight” is a word.

Hi Folks!

There is only one TRUE way to impress your friends with warmth and love, and that is by sending the following letter to all of them on Valentine’s Day or something.  So, since this I am writing this “Happy Friday” to all of you, my dear, wonderful friends, please take a minute to be bathed in the loving thoughts in the letter that follows.  AND, as an added bonus, you can easily cut and paste it out and send it to YOUR friends!  No box tops or proof of purchase required!

Remember, this is written in the singular, because I am sending this heart-felt sentiment to EACH of you, individually!!  Ok?  Here we go…

Dear Snifflehead,

Don’t think for a minute that you can even for one moment even possibly have a chance to realize anything about the possible chances of knowing what I was thinking a moment ago.  Give me a break already.  You know what I mean, right? Of course you do, that’s why we’re friends!

It’s been nearly three days now, and that’s longer than what I had anticipated before the three days began.  That was at least three days ago.  Now it is three days hence, and it feels a lot like three days have gone by.  It may seem redundant to you, but I don’t wish to repeat myself to the point of being guilty of saying the same thing over again. That would be redundant, as you may have detected, but I refuse to be accused of saying the same thing over again.

Our friendship goes back as far as I can remember; but to be honest, I can’t remember who the heck you are or what you look like.  All I know for certain is that you will soon be receiving small packages of soil in the mail.  Consider it a token of appreciation for all the things you have never done for me.  The soil you will soon enjoy will contain very small mites who will watch you while you go to the bathroom.  If you hear faint, high-pitched laughter in there while you are bathing, that is just those silly mites.  They carry small video recorders; so don’t be surprised if your hiney is featured on YouTube in the years to come.

Let’s make a point of having bark salad sometime at separate restaurants together.  Then we can have a nice telephone conversation with someone we REALLY like, and it would be much more meaningful than this garbage.   You never contacted me in the first place; so if you think I’m going to write another word about this, I’m crazy!!  Take notes at the next sink-plunging session you enjoy, and remind me to laugh at the resulting jelly donuts you stepped on during the last Global Crybaby Kaka-Roach Festival.

Above all, quit following me.  I can smell you in my dreams.  I know the model of automobile you have been repairing lately.  It is futile for you to hide from observation, there is a satellite transponder in the kitchen with your name on it.

Well, my dearest friend, I can’t for the life of me remember your name.  But if we ever meet again, please give me a lot of money.  I know that’s a big request from a stranger, but you know as well as I do that the best things in life are free…  So give me your money DARN IT!!!!  DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TRAP YOUR SOUL IN USELESS MATERIAL POSSESSIONS?   Give me all you have and let me bear the burden for you!  I promise I won’t sell your most beloved things until I get around the corner.  If your pets are selling watches on the street, what business is it of yours? They can’t work at McDonald’s all my life!! 

We gotta get something from somewhere and find out what the heck it is! Otherwise, we won’t know what we have, and then we’ll be at the end of this letter!

Jump loudly with bugs,

Your Anonymous Friend,

Me

Uh Oh… another one of those video things…

Dear Friends,

With the coming of Valentine’s Day this Sunday, I can’t help but reflect on the love I have been so fortunate to enjoy.  For example:  we have our grandson visiting this weekend.   What does that have to do with Valentine’s Day?

EVERYTHING.

I mean, think about it:  I officially began dating my beautiful girlfriend (wife) on May 19, 1972.  Fortunately for me, she allowed me to marry her and we got two beautiful children out of the deal.  In spite of a few bumps in the road for each of us (at one time or another), we all love each other to pieces and are happy most of the time.  Our son is doing great in college; our daughter and her wonderful man brought us our beautiful grandson.

Is this too mooshy for you?  Well if so, too darn bad.   It is my professional opinion that with all the garbage you hear on the news, we need to focus on what’s GOOD in our lives.  So I’m doing that right now.

That being said, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day I’d like to share some of the things I have said to my lovely girlfriend over the years.  We love to laugh, so some of the things we’ve proclaimed over the years may cause the innocent bystander to wonder a bit.  Do not be afraid… we are NOT crazy.  If you don’t believe us just us some time…  Anyway, here are some of the things I’ve said (and continue to say) to my honey pie on a pretty regular basis:

“I love you, how to say I don’t know what.  I love you like a squirrel loves a nut.”

(My lovely bride’s reply to this:  “I love you like the ice cream on the mountain top.”)

“Thank you for being my friend and letting me kiss you.”

“You are a beautiful young woman.”

“Come here and make with the kissing.”

“Your curves have always been just fine for me!!”  (That one was when she announced she’d be starting a membership at Curves.)

“Thank you for making dinner!”

“Give to me the hug…)

Well you get the idea.  But seriously folks, I really do say these things.  My professional opinion is that all women are beautiful, but none will ever be as beautiful as my lovely girlfriend / honey pie / wife person lady.  It is simply not possible.

I’d also like to make up a few other things I haven’t said yet.  And guys (or even girls), feel free to steal these if the spirit moves you:

“Your lips are like redwood trees sleeping in a volcano.”

“You have such beautiful eyes… they remind me of a velvet traffic light.”

“I bet you can’t wait to kiss me to see what I just had for lunch!”

“What color would you like your mashed potatoes to be tonight?”

OK maybe I won’t really say those things.

Anyway, our wonderful grandson is spending the weekend.  Then on Sunday, our two children, our son-in-law, and beautiful friend Ruthie will join us for Valentine’s Day dinner.  Life is good.

After dinner is over I get to have my beautiful girlfriend all to myself.  And you know what we’re gonna do??  That’s right!!  We’re playing checkers!!!

KING ME BABY!!!

It’s been a very long work week.  VERY long.  Did I mention that my work week seemed to last forever and 3 days?

Very long.

I’m both blessed and cursed with a pretty decent job in the computer field.  Believe me, in times like these I am quite aware of how fortunate I am.  I send thanks every day (sometimes more than once) to the Creator and All Their Friends for what I have.

However, the job is a bit stressful at times.  Way too much work and not nearly enough time.  I could literally live at work and not get finished.  I just do the best I can.  Things go relatively well until something unplanned comes along.  And of course that’s a pretty common occurrence.  “Some days you get the bear, and some days the bear gets you,” I’ve found myself proclaiming to my boss.

The bear got me a few too many times this week.

You see, there are confused souls on this planet who squander their technical talents on writing software that transforms into little icky monsters.  Once they get their software perfected, they let them loose on the internet and they bop around and infect computers.  These nasty virus bugs and spyware (also called malware) fly around incognito, often posing as “interesting” e-mails or annoying pop-up windows.  Unsuspecting folks click inside the pop-up windows to get rid of them, or open the “interesting” e-mails to check out what’s inside.

“Bad juju,” as my friend Eric would say.  I have rebuilt 3 computers this past week due to virus and / or spyware problems.  Such fun you know.  Only spend a minimum of 3 hours on each computer.  I love the happy stories people relate to me regarding how their work computer was infected:

“I let my wife use it at home and…”

“I was surfing the web and got this crazy e-mail.  Next thing I know…”

“All I did was click NO inside this stupid pop-up window…”

Of course, none of these folks have their Windows firewall turned on; nor do they have their Microsoft updates applied.  Those nasty spam/virus/spyware guys love to create bugs that go after Windows machines.   They have a real fun time exploiting the Microsoft operating systems for a number of reasons which really is a whole different story.

So if you have a computer that connects to the internet (especially a Windows computer), PLEASE remember to:

A) Keep your Microsoft Updates applied,

3)  Refrain from clicking anything inside a pop-up window, meaning close it from the task bar (right-click down there and choose Close)

%)  Keep your anti-virus software updated, and

19)  Never, NEVER open an e-mail from anyone you don’t know.  Delete it and dump your trash.

Not sure about you, but I can pretty much tell when I’m getting a spam message.  Vicodin and other narcotics are offered for cheap money; or maybe something will make my manhood larger, or perhaps I might be awarded a “Free Sample Available Only On The Internet.”

You get the idea.

And if the crap e-mail gets too bad, get a different e-mail address.   Pain in the tush, but it might be worth it.

I’m often asked, “why do people make spam and write viruses?”  My answer?

“They obviously have never had a romantic relationship.  Or perhaps their pets won’t have anything to do with them.  Frustrated, sad, lonely people do this.”

At least, that’s my professional opinion.

Hopefully next week I will get the bear more than the bear gets me.  Until then, I intend to fill my weekend with highly technical chores like stacking firewood, walking the dog through the woods, and having friends over.  I’m pretty geeked about that last one because we’re having PIZZA!!!  Since the turn of the year my lovely girlfriend and I are eating much healthier foods, so pizza has been cast aside as a very rarely eaten delicacy.  I must be careful not to drool all over the keyboard as I type about it.  Oh, and to complement the pizza I’ll be enjoying the very technical task of making “bluederberry pie” (part blueberry part elderberry) to serve with some ice cream (fat free Breyer’s vanilla of course).

OK.  Enough with the computer jerkface virus spam spyware making stinker butt peoples.  I was so fried from work today I almost stayed the HECK away from the computer.  Watched some recorded TV with my lovely girlfriend and was darn near ready to ignore “Happy Friday!!!” I’ll have to admit though, letting out the frustration is good therapy.   Besides, I do enjoy this stupid computer as a toy; and as you may have seen from previous posts I enjoy digging up a video for the fun of it.  Again, my ritual apology to those with dialup internet.  Spare yourself the grief… don’t click on the video unless  you are REALLY patient.

This one is from a band called Mi Sex, who had a hit in 1979 called “Computer Games.”  Technology (and music) has changed a bit since then…  The song’s a bit lengthy but it was kind of fun in those days.  Let’s hear it for YouTube.

Being over 50 has advantages:  skills are honed over a long period.  In other words you get good at doing stuff, whether it’s cooking, gardening, computers or whatever.  And for me at least, as I get older I’ve come to learn my limitations on various things at which I’m not so good.

There was a time when I was really certain that if I only had the correct information; I could fix anything.  That of course included things with internal combustion engines.  Talk about your inflated ego… not a healthy place for me to be.  Fortunately though, I have long since come to understand that there are many things which are really better left to professionals.  I’ve learned my limitations.

I really have no clue about how to fix a lot of the stuff on things with gasoline motors.  Sure, I can do routine stuff like change the oil, and with smaller engines like the garden tractor or rototiller I can even change a spark plug and a drive belt here and there.  But if I have to get down and dirty with the guts of the engine, I call in the big boys.  I take them to the shop.

And with cars, forget about it already.  I change the oil, change the air filter, fill the washer fluid change the wipers.  Oh and I can keep the tires pressurized.  Other than that, we go to the shop.

So there I was, checking out the snowblower where our son lives and the stupid thing will only run when the choke is on.  Not very wonderful.  Even when it did run it would poop out easily.  Lucky for us we have Lyle down the road who repairs all types of small engines.  He does a great job, and doesn’t gouge us.  Very nice fellow.  My son and I took the blower over to his place around Hallowe’en I think… on a Saturday afternoon.  We spent the obligatory ½ hour talking about life, the universe and everything.  Then Lyle got down to business.

“I’ll take care of it, but it might be a few days,” he said cautiously.

“No rush, Lyle,” I said.  “Thanks for helping us out!!”

Next day we get a voice message on the phone:  “This is Lyle.  Snowblower’s ready!!  Your bill is $34.57”

He repaired the carburetor, changed the oil, lubed the cables.  Probably took him 45 minutes.  What a guy.  Super service!

So there I was, the next weekend, running the garden tractor.  Suddenly two big noises:  kerCHAK!!  kerPOW!!”  A cough and a very loud pop.  Tractor won’t start.  “Oh God Oh God… need to make another trip to Lyle’s” my brain chaos explodes into frantic visions of a huge bill.  I pushed the tractor out to the driveway.  This was no easy task mind you… had to make several stops to catch my breath.  Then I called our wonderful son Nate to come help me get it on the trailer.  “Need to get the tractor to Lyle’s,” I said.  “When it rains it pours.”  We grunted and shoved and oomphed and finally got it up on the trailer.

When we got to Lyle’s, I described the symptoms while the tractor sat dead on the trailer.  As we started with the obligatory discussion of life, the universe, and everything, we slowly revolved back to the tractor.  I stared at the back of my poor dead tractor; and suddenly my eyes caught a glimpse of something strange.  There is a sight port in the back of the tractor so you can see how much fuel is left.  There weren’t no any!!  “Ummm… Lyle, do you have any gas?  I think the &%$@ing thing is out of gas!!”

Sure enough.

We all had a big laugh over my silliness, and as we headed for home, Lyle chuckled and blurted out, “Ya know, I can’t make any money this way.”  I apologized about 8 million times and off we went.

So there I was, running the snowblower last month.  I heard some noises:  kerCHAK!!  kerPOW!!  The snowblower won’t start.  “Oh God!!  Oh God!!  It’s broke!!  Another trip to Lyle’s!!”  More brain chaos.  I heaved the snowblower back into the garage, and ALMOST went for the shovel, when a very small light bulb when off over my head.  “Maybe it needs gas…” I wondered.  Oh yeah, the tank was dry.

So there I was, driving home from work, when I hear this noise:  ppppphhhhWHEEET!!!  pppphhhfffWHEET!!!  I quick turn off the heater fan.  The noise goes away.  I run the fan some more, the noise comes back.  I turn the fan off.  The noise goes away.  I leave it off and the noise comes back!!  “OH GOD!!  OH GOD!!!  THE CRUISE CONTROL IS FLAKING OUT OR SOME OTHER VERY EXPENSIVE THING OH GOD I CAN’T TAKE IT OH GOD oh god oh ok settle down Ken…”  Then the noise went away with the fan running and the cruise on.  Then it came back this morning.  “OH GOD!!”

But I noticed something… this time the noise was accompanied by a strong wind which was pushing broadside against the car.  I watched for a clear spot in the traffic and leaned over and grabbed the window crank (remember crank windows??).  I gave the crank a little shove and the window went up just a bit.  THE STINKIN’ WINDOW WAS NOT CLOSED COMPLETELY.

Sheesh.

So here I am, working on telling my magnifying mind to please chill out and give me some rest.  Thankfully, the computer I’m typing this on isn’t making any strange noises.

AND… there’s nothing near me that runs on a gasoline engine.

Hello My Friends,

It’s my sincere belief that our Creator put at least a little bit of angel in each of us.

So here’s a call to all you angels.

I can’t bring myself to write anything funny today due to the terrible suffering in Haiti.

Please donate what you can to help out.  Even a few bucks can help.  Here are just a few links you can use to support those who are working to bring aid:

http://www.redcross.org

http://www.unicefusa.org

http://www.salvationarmyusa.org

http://www.internationalaid.org

http://www.pih.org/home2.html

Below is a video of Train’s “Calling All Angels.”  This is a new widget for me on here, and I can’t figure out how to put the “preview image” in the video window.  Oh well.  Dialup users may not want to click on it … I’m sure you know the story.  I know I sure do, been there, done that.

Our grandson had his first birthday recently. This is really amazing. It sure seems like it was just the day before yesterday I was changing diapers for a young girl who grew up to be his mommy!!

As frogs like to say, “Time’s fun when you’re having flies.”

My beautiful girlfriend (the one I married) and I spoke to our son-in-law that evening to share the joy. Mom, our daughter, is a nurse and was at work. Holy Déjà vu Batman!! Same scene as when our kids were young. Near the end of the conversation I gave our son-in-law the bad news.

“You know, Brian; now that you’re a Daddy you are automatically afflicted with an illness,” I related.

“What’s that?” he asked with some apprehension.

“Time will now fly like no other. In what will seem like a day and a half, you’ll be 55 years old and wonder where the HECK the years went.”

Exactly what happened to me and my lovely bride. Don’t get me wrong, we treasure each day we are on the planet. We kinda like it here! We’re not worried about what comes next; we’re both convinced that cool stuff awaits us in the Great Beyond. But hey, let’s not rush things. We’re here now and loving life. It’s just that Holy Cow, we’re grandparents!!

I mean hey, I remember vividly when the Beatles first came to America on the Mayflower! Or something… Anyway, I clearly remember sitting in my grandparents’ apartment in Brooklyn, NY when I was 10. My 8 transistor radio was glued to my ear while the Fab Four disembarked at JFK airport; with all the media of the day interviewing them every step of the way through the crowd of screaming fans. I even jokingly mentioned, “Hey Dad!! The Beatles just landed at JFK! We could go over there to see ‘em!!” “Yeah right!!” he retorted.

One cool thing about being a grandpa is that you get to reflect on all the changes that have happened over the years. Life is exactly the same only completely different these days. With technology alone, things have changed just a wee bit.

Picture this, kiddies. When I was born in 1954, commercial TV had only been rockin’ for about 13 years. Most stuff on TV was live broadcasts. If you had the TV on too early, you’d see a test pattern. If you had it on too late, you’d see a flag waving in the breeze while the national anthem was playing just prior to the station shutting down for the night. There were still dramas and comedies being made for radio. And when you turned on either a radio or a TV, you had to wait a few minutes for them to warm up. Took several minutes for the tubes and their associated circuitry to stabilize. Tubes?? Say what?? Yes, tubes. And even after the radio or TV warmed up you had to mess with the fine tuning to keep your signals coming in clearly. When you dialed a phone, you literally used a dial on the phone. None of the phones took batteries in those days. No fancy ring tones, just a bell. I know that some of you readers out there can outdo me on the dinosaur technology memories; but you get my drift.

Now back to the present day. I’ve noticed some “black holes” where a time warp knocks me in the head when I least expect it. For example: I scurry to get ready for work in the morning. Most of this zaniness is self inflicted, because I sleep till the last minute and then play fireman to get ready for the hour long commute. We heat with sticks (we have wood heat), so it’s my job to get the fires going. One is downstairs in the old part of the house, one upstairs in the addition. I start the furnace downstairs and then grab an armload of wood to offer the wood eater upstairs.

Next, I yank open the fridge and grab my lunch; shove it into that delightful Old Navy bag with the Hawaiian lady on the front and the cloth drawstring (our daughter bought me the bag years ago so I would quit killing trees from using paper bags. She loves Old Navy but didn’t really notice the hula girl design till several years later.).

Pour the coffee into the travel mug, grab the cell phone, and head for the garage at precisely 6:22 a.m.

Situate my lunch in the back seat, plug the smell phone into the earphone/mic thingy, come around to the driver’s seat and turn on the car.

THE CLOCK SAYS 6:31 A.M. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. There is NO WAY it takes me 8 minutes to walk from my back door to the garage. And yes, the car’s clock is correct; just like the clock inside. I’m pretty anal about that.

Time warp I tell ya!!

If you are old enough to remember the Rocky Horror Picture Show… I mean really remember, meaning you were old enough to enjoy it when it first came on the scene… well then you and I really are in a time warp. Aren’t we? Go ahead, I double dare ya to move your mouse over this text here and click on the link(Let’s hear it for YouTube).

Don’t believe any of this time warp nonsense? Well all I can say is: I bet you don’t have kids.

You’ll see…

Greetings, fellow People Persons!!

Here’s wishing you the Happiest Merry of all Years, with dotted Ts and crossed eyes following all of your newly configured radial sandwich flavors. It is very and ultra important that we greet this new year with pledges of doing remarkable things. As you may already know, pledges are words that express an intent to do something. Politicians know the value of a pledge. They use them to get elected and, once in office, they do what they bloody well want. But when you come right down to it, when people make promises about this or that at the beginning of a brand new year, they have a lot in common with politicians. Many people make pledges, but how many fulfill them?? This I am unable to know.

2009 brought great hope to me and many others who elected the first black man into the office of President of the United States. Mr. Obama made big pledges of change during his election campaign back in 2008. While I am still very hopeful, I’m also saddened about a few things. Sure, Rome wasn’t built in a day. But the economic bailouts and war activities that occurred during 2009 seem to be a rerun of the same old stories:

1) The rich get richer, the poor become more numerous, and the working class gets to pay for all of it; and

29) War is still not the answer, even though all too many people cling to the notion that it can be “morally justified.” I know, I know… “there’s so much evil in the world;” and “we have the right to defend ourselves…” Yada yada yada. My professional opinion: The use of weapons produces a very immediate (albeit tragic) result. However, there will NEVER be lasting peace until we are ready to treat each other with respect; communicate; and persistently work together to address the roots of the issues.

Oh but hey, that stuff takes way too long. Let’s just go bomb somebody.

Oy yoy yoy.

Call me Mr. Idealist, but I still really like the Ten Years After song, “I’d Love To Change The World” (Please note this video link contains some disturbing images. But hey, war is really disturbing!!)
“Tax the rich, feed the poor, till there are no rich no more…” Of course I’m one of those weridos that actually believes that we CAN change the world…

War, poverty, pollution, injustice… these types of ickyness just crumple me with the warm fuzzy noodle constipation that every mom loves. I know that it’s always easier to find fault with others than to look inward, so I thought I’d better lay out a plan for my own self improvement. Therefore, I beg of each of you to elect me as your next Filibuster Yakkity Yak Doo Dah Day for 2010. My plan for self bereavement lies below.

Please quickly try to forget that I have regurgitated the following Noo Yeer’s Revolutions:

1) To remind myself that I need to remember those things which I can’t seem to recall.

What was that again? What was I thinking about…?? Holy Cow!! I need to get something from somewhere and find out what the HECK it is!!

R) To lose weight, gain it back, lose it again, and lose some more until my nostrils can be used for sidewalk painting without fear of changing lanes abruptly.

Please pass the pepperoni flakes and the coagulated skim milk.

24) To change lanes abruptly so all weight loss can be vehemently avoided.

Watch out for that tree!! It has a scale near it!!

++) To boldly go where no earthworm has ever dined before.

Ummm… you gonna eat that compost??

3X) To be nice to all people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Excuse me sire, your toupee is on fire. May I stomp it out for you?

T5) To dress in all recyclable clothing, in order to lighten the load on my laundry licking machine.

I especially favor the milk jug socks and the recycled string bikini underwear.

Z44) To unite all small countries in a global effort to stop Homer Simpson from eating my cake.

Alright boys, this is it… you clunk him on the cake eater and I’ll spray him with a completely different shade of yellow.

And finally:

9) To sing loudly about how wonderful it is to be alive, ever reminding myself that having a job is a privilege; and that complaining is tantamount to feeding dog food to caterpillars. In other words, no matter how badly I think I have it, I am really a wealthy person. I have received many gifts from the Creator and All Their Friends. As Alistair Sim said in my favorite Christmas movie (Scrooge) “I don’t deserve to be so happy, but I can’t help it.”

I suspect that if you are reading this, you are wealthy also. You don’t think so?? OK smartypants, lemme ask you these: Do you have a car? Do you have enough to eat? Do any of your clothes fit nicely? Do you have friends? Do you have a warm, safe place to sleep?

If you said “yes” to more than one of those, you are wealthy. OK??

So I hereby beseech all of you to have a most Wonderful Last New Year of this First Decade of The New Millennium with New Millipedes under every log you roll. Love your brethren and your cistern. Love your father, your mother, and your Mother (Earth). Share what you can with those less fortunate than you are.

And please, be kind to yourself and other living things.

Peace, Love, and Ice Cream,

Kenny

Hi Everyone… hope you all are having a blessed holiday season. This post will be short and sweet… a busy time of year you know.

Just wanted to thank all my friends and family for being who they are.

We are fortunate to know all of you.

May peace and love fill your home and your hearts.

Take care, Ken

Dear Friend,

I just wanted to send you some words to express how happy my heart is to be working all the time and not stopping for a heart vacation. I really like breathing and especially eating; so if my heart went on vacation I suspect I would not be able to enjoy smelling jelly or eating smelt pot pie.

Additionally, it truly warms my soul to know that:

A) I have the great pleasure of knowing you

4) You are a very nice person

Q) You don’t stab my toes with any garden tools; and

E6) You don’t live at my house.

Please keep in mind that if you ever need to live in my house, the shed is where you will be sleeping.

You may actually use the LARGER shed...

I do apologize but I cannot share my bed with any additional mammals.

As it is now; my wife keeps at least half the bed to herself, so that leaves me with about 12.4% of the total sleeping area. Then of course we have our two cats who are convinced that we require them to be sleeping on our heads. Nothing quite compares to a nice fur hat that purrs in the middle of the night.

Fortunately for us, Musky Da Husky has his own bed complete with squeaky toys and crunch bones. And yes, he’s all by himself on that bed but don’t even think for a minute that you get to share a bed with the likes of him. He is very defensive of his toys and crunchies, and will not hesitate to recite the U.S., Constitution and all its articles and amendments if he feels threatened.

So now we are enjoying the Holiday Season, which means of course that we get to spend large amounts of money on food and gifts and please just send me the money instead and I’ll make sure it gets put under my mattress for a rainy snow day.

I’m sure you are eager to buy me expensive gifts this year. Please be aware that I’m very easy to please but if you don’t get the gifts listed below I’ll train fleas to visit your tuna salad in the weeks to come.

Here is an abbreviated list of items I require:

1) 1 large bottle (371 milligrams) of Krampo’s Lint Be Gone (deep fried Twinkies are an acceptable substitute)

T) 4 bushels of Nestle’s Creamed Corn

0p) 1 tail light assembly for a 1959 Nash Metropolitan

z#) 17 small pine cones dipped in Aunt Ludmilla’s Avacado Gravy Mix

v12) 3 half pint jars of Crazy Willie’s Carpet Tacks

Well, you get the idea. If you choose to buy me something that is not on the list, well I guess maybe we could still be friends after you pay me extra.

In closing I’d simply like to point out that although there are many things happening on Planet Earth that give us a reason to cry; having a friend like you is much more valuable than, say, chocolate covered hubcaps or even liquid lobster protein supplements.

In other words, thank you kindly for being who you are.

Your friend,

Nive Tringleshorts
a.k.a. “Irving the Bug Biter”