Kakahead

It’s August outside, which means the annual cosmic light show is presented by the Great Cosmic Rock Throwers of the Universe.  This of course means that everyone must run for cover so they don’t get vaporized by the falling cosmic debris that will be flying around.  Be especially vigilant on August 12 and 13 when the peak activity is supposed to be happening.

Please do not be frightened, for what I am about to relate is merely cosmic truth that has occurred annually for at least 12 and maybe even 47,000.  I just don’t know.  But it’s true and that’s all there is to it.  OK??  So don’t bother me about this ever again or I’ll start up that dead bug over there.  You see that dead bug?  Well, to the untrained eye, that bug is dead.  But all I need to do is insert these tiny little electrodes in his vinkabules and he’ll be making zucchini bread in no time.  And it will be on your conscience. I hope you’re happy now.

 Now sit back and relax, and just be aware that everything you hold dear is in danger of exploding and being zoofled to smithereens.  “Of course,” some of you are probably yelling, “he’s talking about the Perseid meteor showers!!”  Many of you who are probably  saying, “what’s the deal with this guy… has he been eating Legos or something??”  Well, for those of you who are saying that, the answer is yes, and although plastic is very chewy and not very nourishing, Legos are still one of my favorite toys.  OH WAIT, they’re TOYS!!  Not for eating!?!?!  Whoops…  

 Ok.  Back to this horrible cosmic truth I’ve been ranting about.  The Perseid meteor shower is an annual occurrence, this year the best times to look for shooting stars is after midnight on August 11 through 13.  Sure, there may be some meteorites coming in on the 10th and 14th, but the peak viewing will be on the 12th, after midnight local time.  And look for them to come out of the northeastern sky.  This year’s show may be obscured a bit by the moon because it will be lighting up the sky in a big way.  But you still may see as many as two per minute, depending on how many Burger Kings or other light pollution sources you have in your neighborhood.  You could always ask the light polluters to turn the lights off, but they may not care about any stinking shooting stars.  Gotta waste energy to make money, you know.  Gotta get that global warming furnace stoked up so my next pair of sneakers burst into flames when I walk on the superheated concrete.  Thank you very much Mr. Businessman Energy Wasting Guy Who Leaves His Lights On All Stinking Night Long.

Alright, I’m sorry.  I digress.  Something I normally never do (ya, right) …

Anyway I must take this time to please ask you to protect yourselves during the meteor showers.  Always, always wear a fireproof bathrobe while you’re outside viewing meteor showers.  You may also want to flip on the force field to protect your house from the snap, crackle, KABOOM always never happens when an 85 ton meteorite lands on your chimney.  What??  You don’t have a force field???  AH HAH!  You sold it at the flea market didn’t you??  Have you no science brains?  You won’t catch me out there with no fireproof clothing… And although we don’t have a force field, I have this aluminum bat right here.  Yup, I’m gonna be up on the roof with my modified 55 gallon steel drum overalls, bat in hand, always at the ready.  When one of those fireballs puts a bead on my house, I’m gonna take that bat and smack it into Who Knows Where.  I may also keep my stainless steel umbrella handy so I don’t get clunked by a hot meteorite. 

     I also have a heat resistant meteorite gauge mounted on the fence, right next to my rain gauge.  I want to make sure I know exactly how many inches of meteors we got during the meteor showers.  Actually the meteorite gauge is there for a selfish motive… my Honey Pie didn’t want me to get a force field because she says it’s too expensive.   Once I show her a bucket full of smoking hot meteorites she’ll change her tune by golly!!

Well, hopefully you will all be able to get to clear skies and be able to see one of nature’s wonders.  There have been some years when the Perseids have been a very awesome show.  At any rate, I’ll be up on the roof, aluminum bat in hand, hoping to God that we don’t have any lightning.  

Perhaps I’ve exaggerated a bit about the danger.  But then, if you go out unprotected and get vaporized by a 729 ton meteorite, don’t come crying to me.

I hear some of the larger meteorites carry mechanical monsters from space!! Help us, Superman!!

I’ve been taking work Way Too Seriously Again Lately.  Some of the things that go on there and around the world in general make absolutely no sense.

Therefore, in an effort to make even less sense, I offer this profound yet utterly nonsensical invitation to escape your inner knives and harbor no further garages against your fellow mange.

As none of you have heard frequently, Toyden Amookalobbnis of Quality Infusions, Inc. will be arriving soon to inspect the cambernackles.   Please ensure that all edible click wrapper standards are well concealed and thoroughly hyphenated before Toyden’s infestation.  

During this exercise, please note that cambernackles will be inspected on the 3rd Tuesday of each week, twice monthly, with liberty and justice for all.  That information may be shared freely with any and all individuals whose names rhyme with “lumberjack,” as they would appear when divided by the pertinent day of the month.  

For example:  on the 1st Tuesday of 2019, the week begins with the letter R.  Therefore, you may share this with people like:

Reek Cumberjack

Rum Cambersnack

Rink Snanderjunk

And of course Roopy Wofflenick.  

Note that the inverse modification standard never applies.

If you have any questions regarding this modulation, please insert two nickles and eleven dimes.  After all, your toaster is probably orange with chrome bide flenders.

I’m sure none of you are wondering by now whether the sky has been removed from the Ionized Bugle Machines (IBM).  There’s probably a good chance that someday I can divulge the particulars of that molecular substation, but this is no time for soaking baby toys in cups of sesame oil.

I ate a bug the other day.  It had very little flavor, and really was not as pleasant as one might surmise.   This required minimal effort:  I opened my mouth, a small insect flew in, and I closed my mouth again.  I tried to pitoo, then kerchack, but when I said “orgkkk” the swallowing mechanism switched on and down the hatch it went as I Bit My Tongue (IBMT). Possibly there was some struggle on the part of the poor bug, as I am somewhat sure I felt griggling actions as the very small Insect Bit The Dust On The Way Down My Esophagus (IBTDOTWDME).

Now of course we must discuss this business of intermediate tree watering schedules.   Please do not go there with me ever again.  Why would you insist on watering the trees with that Jell-O dispenser I shall never understand.   Don’t you know that pressurized prune skins can injure cats and other flying rodents?  We really need to talk about your compulsion to slide wildly through the Baked Apple / Rhubarb Fritters (BA/RF).

OK.  I really must go to the store now.  They have metal objects on sale, and one can never have too many metal objects.

Thank you for not licking my car.  Unless you did.   In which case I will stop.  Writing in incomplete sentences.  Which cannot be sentences at all.  Since they are incomplete.  So therefore they must.  Be sentence fragments.  So there.

Thank you,

Norvis Pimpleburger

Supervisor,

Feline Antler Inspection Dept.

“If you want something done, don’t remove the cat’s antlers.” – Milton Wildpockets
 
“And now for something completely different,” as Mr. Cleese of Monty Python would say… Never heard of Flip the Frog before but here he is from 1933.
 

In our woods of the neck, school will soon kick into high gear.  In fact, the local high school marching band is already practicing.  I could actually hear the drum line while I was working in the garden this evening!!  Brings back fond memories of marching band season, when both Mom and I were busier than cats covering up kaka on a tile floor.  This, of course, meant that time was precious and money was tight, so we didn’t always have the luxury of eating out or buying ready made meals.  If you have no kids, you have no clue about all this. Don’t worry about that though, because God loves you anyway!! If you do have kids however, my sympathies are with you and your pocketbook. Thirty-nine cents an hour just doesn’t go as far as it used to!!

Speaking of school, I’m going to grammar jail for that last sentence. That’s because “to” is a preposition, and a preposition is a word one should never end a sentence WITH.

Ha ha, I did it again!

So. Now we come to the inevitable truth… we must not only clothe these young monsters, we are actually expected to FEED THEM as well! What a lousy rip, huh?? But that’s ok.  They are tomorrow’s workforce, and I wanted to make darn sure they got really good nutrition so they can support me when I’m old and moldy. Therefore, this installment of Happy Friday is dedicated to a meal that is not only wholesome, but cheap and easy to prepare. Those of you who don’t have kids, please don’t despair. You may feel free to use this recipe for yourself, kids or no. Before I continue, let me say this: this is an ACTUAL MEAL I make with MY OWN FINGERS AND KITCHEN COOKING DOOHICKEYS. And if you don’t believe me, just ask me. Some of you may remember reading references to this very dish in previous Happy Fridays. Ok. Here we go. Hold your noses and close your eyes, you’re all in for a big surprise…

* CHICKEN COCKAMAMIE *

1 ½ cups of brown rice

WAIT!! What the HECK is brown rice??? You burn it?? You put dye in it?? Whummana heck? Ok, I’ll tell you: it’s rice that has not been raped. And no, a bad person is not out there forcing rice to have sex, so just get that out of your brain.  But white rice is not only politically incorrect, all the goodies have been stripped off to make it “pretty.” You know, like white bread. Brown rice is usually found in the store with that OTHER (white) rice, but is much more nutritious. I mean, I HATE when this rice raping happens, ya know?? Farmers spend all their waking hours growing perfectly good food, and then “modern science” goes and “refines” the perfectly good food so it looks nice and pretty and has little nutritional value, which FORCES me to write run on sentences and then scoff at those “experts” who wonder why the cancer rates are going up in the sky. Ya know what I mean???

Sorry. I get carried away. Ok, we try again…

* CHICKEN COCKAMAMIE * (pronounced KAH-kuh-MAY-mee)

1 ½ cups of brown rice                  1 cup frozen peas
2 globs of butter                            1/2 green pepper, diced
2 stalks of celery, chopped            1 bowl of cooked meat from a dead chicken
1 large onion, diced                       4 cloves of diced fresh garlic

1 bottle Kikkoman Lite soy sauce (for sprinkling… DON’T USE THE WHOLE BOTTLE FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD!!)

Ok, now for the cooking…   Get a large saucepan (I use our 4 quart Reverware pot) and heave one of the globs of butter in there.  A glob is about 1 tablespoon. I use butter because I read the ingredients on margarine and cried in the grocery store.  Then I rolled in the aisles, foaming at the mouth, clutching the margarine and mumbling, “oh no, oleo.” Well maybe not.  Butter is natural stuff. No hydrogenated oils to stick to your gall bladder, and if you use it sparingly you won’t get fat. Plus, the flavor is much better for your face and hands. Butter is made by squeezing cows. Next time you see someone squeezing a cow, do not be alarmed, it’s just time to harvest the moo juice to make butter. If someone is squeezing a bull, however, tell them to get marriage counseling. That simply is NOT natural. Unless you’re a cow.

So, you take the butter and melt it in the saucepan.  Take it off the heat and chuck the rice in there. Now cover the rice with about 12 feet of water, or maybe only 3 inches if that is more to your liking. Slam the pot back on the stove and give it the hot stuff. High heat. Make boil.  When boiling is big, reduce heat, cover and simmer until the rice is yummy and you can eat it without breaking your teeth bones. Put some Devo on the CD player and bop around until it gets to this delectable state.

Drain the rice, but leave just a little of the liquid in there. The steam will make your eyebrows happy. For why did I urge you to use butter in the pan, you wonder? Well, it prevents rice bricks. My mom made rice (white rice, I’m sad to say) and you always had to have a trowel to get it out of the pan. A dab of butter makes nice flaky rice. A dab of oil works too, but then there’s the flavor thing. Use the butter. Trust me.

Ok. Now the rice is drained and very warm.  Throw the bowlful of cooked dead chicken meat in the rice from a distance of 14 feet (or less if you are hungry and want all the meat in the rice). You may well ask, “how much is in a bowl?” Well hey, it’s YOUR BOWL, you tell me!! Just a cereal bowl full. Use as much as you like. So, throw the meat in the pot. Mix it up.  Add the diced fresh garlic (or sprinkle lots of garlic powder on it), then slosh a few glugs of  soy sauce on there. Mix it up some more. I use Kikkoman soy sauce because I believe it’s the best kind on the grocery shelves.  Only a smattering of preservatives, and the rest is all natural stuff.  I use the Lite kind because I have the high blood pressure and have to watch my sodium intake.  I’d recommend using the Lite anyhow, because nobody needs the 83 pounds of salt in the regular soy sauce.

Now get a big skillet and slam it on a burner. If you’ve had a bad day, slam it several times. NOT REALLY!!!  Melt the other butter glob in the skillet. Swirl it all around the bottom and sides, then throw in the pepper, onion, celery, peas, and miscellaneous veggies. Miscellaneous veggies are just what the name implies, and around this time of year it means whatever is still growing in the garden. Except perhaps gladioluses. I never eat those. Anymore.

Ok. Bring up the heat till you hear those delicious veggies sizzle, and stir fry them for a little while. Please don’t overcook the veggies. If they’re not a bit crisp when done, you’ve killed lots of goodies and the nutritional value of the veggies will be diminished.  Besides, mushy vegetables are kinda like wet popcorn. It just ain’t right. At least, this is my professional opinion.

Finally, dump the veggies in the rice mixture and stir one more time. Season with more soy sauce and garlic if you wish. Maybe some pepper.  There’s only one way to find out what it “needs,” and that’s the age-old custom of snitching.

Well, folks, there you have it:  Chicken Cockamamie.  With this mixture, you should have enough for four with some left over so you can pack a lunch for work. Variations include Beef or Pork Cockamamie, or you could even do Shrimp Cockamamie. And of course you can play with other types of veggies.  You may also want to sprinkle in some herbs like thyme or oregano.  Maybe even some curry!  But keep the garlic in there. As Grandma Loftus used to say, “It’s good for what ails ya. And if nothin’ ails ya, it’s good for that, too!”

Don’t like the sounds of that stuff? Perhaps you might like Chicken A La King instead. Like this kind from 1937 maybe…

Summer is in full bloom here in Michigan Land, and with warm (and lately wet) weather comes:  BUGS!!! RAARRRGGHH!!  GET THE GUN! GET THE GUN!

No no, no guns.  Sure, I’ve often been tempted to carry a shotgun on a walk with me and blast a hole in one of those big mosquito swarms that follows me around.  But that might not be practical, and I doubt that the neighbors would appreciate it.  And if you use a gun inside, well that makes holes in your home that are unsightly and drafty in the winter.  Oh yes, and people can get hurt too (duh).

Sure, I hate mosquitoes and other such nasty insects, but I keep telling myself that Mom Nature has a plan for the stupid things.  We rarely use poison to kill bugs… sprays and foggers are often worse than the bugs you are using them on.  I very rarely use bug repellents like OFF or whatever.   I’m sorry, but I’d rather suffer than put poison on my body.  And in the case of those outdoor foggers, unfortunately they also kill many GOOD bugs.  The same goes for in the garden, and because we don’t spray, we get lots of beneficial insects like praying mantis, lacewings, ladybugs and the like.

Other friendly bugs are spiders.  Wait a minute… SPIDERS!! ARRRGGHH! GET THE GUN! GET THE GUN! Oh wait, no guns.  So ok, we don’t really freak out quite that badly.   In fact, spiders actually get a fair trial at our place. I’ve actually learned to appreciate the beauty in those little eight-legged alien beings. Being the organic gardeners that we are, the family has learned to respect beneficial bugs as a valuable resource. Yeah, I know. Spiders aren’t technically bugs. Tell that to your six year old and see how far you get!

Anyhow, spiders don’t strike terror in our hearts these days (ya, right). That statement is pretty much true, especially if :

A) WE KNOW WHERE THE SPIDER IS, AND

12) IT’S THERE WHEN IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE.

To explain item 12) above, I really need to come clean and admit that many spiders have been killed execution style simply by showing up near one of us by surprise.  But we really do try to save them if we can and I’ve even grown to the point where I can pick them up…sometimes. But when those rascals are crawling on me unannounced, I have been known to do one of two things, either greet them with a sudden KERSMOOSH, or I do  a most unusual running dance. I also chant while run-dancing:  “OGodHolyCowYoySpiderBig!!!” Or something like that.  As I said, spiders will normally get a fair trial at our house. When discovered, they are captured and released in the garden. Spider sightings cause the family to summon me with big voices. If Mr. or Mrs. Spider (How do you tell, anyway? Don’t EVEN ask me to inspect their private parts!) isn’t too large, I’ll scoop it into my palm and carefully encage it in my hand. I set them free behind the compost pile, or someplace where they can find cover. The big ones, however, are strictly jar material.

An excellent critter catching device can be built with a jelly jar and one of those ejector type cards from a magazine.  You know, the ones that fall out of a fresh-out-of-the-mailbox magazine when you’re on the potty.  They’re easily identified by their large bold print that goes something like:   “YES! Send me 956 weeks of Dirteaters Digest for only $34.67, $50 less than newsstand price!“ If you don’t have a jelly jar, a drinking glass is also a good bug holder. Such a device is also useful for wasps, which are also beneficial critters. Woe unto the spider or wasp who is in the wrong place at the wrong time, though. Those guys get the old El-Kabong treatment. Know what you have then? Bug guts!  Ooo, ocky, yicky. Paper towel, please.

Sometimes rain has fostered a population boom of a garden pest that rhymes with bugs, SLUGS. Man, I hate those things.  I remember being totally intrigued by them when I was a kid:  “Wow!! A snail with no shell!!  Cool!!”    Now it’s:  “HEY!!  These *&%$ things are eating my plants!!  GET THE GUN! GET THE GUN!“  Oh right… no guns.  Anyway, sticking to my organic ways, I won’t buy slug poison.  We saw some in the store and I wanted it badly.  Very badly. But I figure there’s enough poison on our planet without me spreading more.

I heard years ago that beer will kill them.  You pour it into a shallow pan and put it on the ground, and the slugs are attracted and drown in it.  I reluctantly bought some last year.  I say “reluctantly,” because before I learned my lesson, I’d already bought enough for one lifetime and I very nearly “drowned” in it… if you get my drift.  At first, I tried to collect slugs.  What a wonderful task… you get free slime for your fingers which is a bear to get off, but I can’t help but admit the strange satisfaction I get out of killing those doggone things.  One year I had so many that I was getting very frantic, so just for the heck of it I took the salt shaker out to the garden with me at night.  A few sprinkles of salt on a very big slug is a very disgusting thing to watch.  They melt.  Salt melts slugs.  Like right now.  And it is very gross.  This year I mixed a bunch of salt with about a gallon of water in a 5 gallon pail, and when I go slug hunting, they are dunked into the execution tank.  But that is way too labor intensive.  If I put a little bowl of beer down near the plant I want to protect, the slugs go for the suds much more readily than they go for the veggies.  They are hopeless alcoholics… they drink themselves to death, and don’t seem to care that the bodies of their friends-and-neighbors type slugs are already drowned in the brew.  Might be a message there…

Anyway, sure, this organic gardening can be frustrating at times.  However, if you plan your garden carefully and encourage natural predators (beneficial insects and spiders), it is also very rewarding to grow food that you know is safe to eat.  And yes, of course I realize that slugs may rhyme with bugs, but they are not bugs at all, they’re gastropod mollusks.  As far as I know, slugs have no natural enemies.

Well, maybe they have one:  ME.

As those of you who read this silly Happy Friday!!! stuff know, I love looking back at the entertainment of yesteryear. Here’s one in “3-D Animation” about a famous spider.

So… there I was, 10,000 feet in the air, no plane, no parachute, minding my own business, when a friend at work asked me, “can I get the recipe for your oats thing?  I had it in the message you sent me but I lost it.”  OK maybe I wasn’t up in the air with no plane or parachute… but she really did ask me for the recipe.

Call me silly but when my doctor told me to lower my cholesterol a few years ago, I wanted medication to be the last resort.  I figured that since my lovely girlfriend and I know how to eat a pretty healthy diet, I should be able to put some of that long learned diet knowledge to work.  So I switched my breakfasts at work to healthier fare.  I had only two requirements:  1)  it needed to be something that would be at least cholesterol neutral (not increase it), and J) it simply had to taste good.

I knew that fancy processed breakfast bars were a bit too pricey to eat on a regular basis.  Besides, with all that packaging and weird ingredients they can tout “good health” all they want.  The makers of so-called healthy breakfast bars have only one thing in mind:  getting my money.   We hear that oats reduce cholesterol, but after many years of that sticky glop when I was a kid, I’ve promised myself never to eat cooked oatmeal again.  At least, not as a breakfast cereal.  Oatmeal cookies, rhubarb oat crumble… stuff like that is a different story.  I experimented with putting oats into my diet by just having some home made “granola,”  oats, raisins, walnuts and some honey in a bowl with milk.  Not too bad, but a bit too chewy.

Then I had a thought.  I jumped up on top of the stove, pointed my finger skyward, and shouted, “EUREKA!!”  No one was home at the time so the gesture was a bit anticlimactic.   Oh OK maybe I didn’t do that at all.  But I did have a thought.  Maybe if I let the oats soak overnight in some milk… and YES!!  They are not mooshy but not difficult to chew.  Very tasty.  Added some other goodies and I now have it for breakfast on a regular basis.  I borrowed one of Dr. Seuss’s terms for the stuff… although it had a rather negative connotation in his book The Lorax.   So, without further ado, here’s my recipe for:

Gluppity Glup:

1/2 cup uncooked thick rolled oats

1/2 cup fat free yogurt

The rest I don’t measure:

approx. 1 tbsp honey  (maybe a little more… I like it a tiny bit sweet)

handful of blueberries (any fruit is fine… sometimes I use raisins or cut up strawberries)

handful of walnuts (approx. 1 oz)

approx. 1/2 cup fat free milk (maybe more)

Instructions:

Put all the ingredients in a 16 oz. glass jar (I use a Meijer Naturals Peanut Butter jar ) (oh and yes it’s empty when I start…) and fill the balance with milk.

I usually put the oats in first, then the yogurt, honey, berries, and walnuts.

Then I add the milk, sometimes I need to take a butter knife and “drill” through the yogurt so the milk makes the oats moist.

Fill the rest of the way with milk, put the cap on and shake to mix.

Variations depending on container are obvious… but there’s the gist of it.

I make this before I go to bed and put it in the fridge… oats are ready to eat by morning.

I have a morning ritual of stuffing my face and reading e-mails, etc. before zooming out into the plant to go fix things.  I find that a breakfast like this keeps me satisfied well through the morning.  Hope you get a chance to try it some time.

Now those of you who follow this know that I like to post a video at the end of each “Happy Friday!!!”   I try to find something that ties in with the subject matter, and when I go video hunting I find some interesting stuff.  Never would have dreamed to find this “commercial” from 1939…

Summer in Michigan is my very favorite salad dressing.  Say what??  I mean, you just can’t beat it!!  All the yummy stuff is making its way to the Farmer’s Market, and for some pretty reasonable prices you get some absolutely dynamite produce.  On the other hand, you have some fingers I hope, and maybe even a few treats your Mom (Mom Nature that is…) left outside for you, free of charge.  Reminds me of when I’d go on a scavenger mission for just such delights during lunch and bring them back to share with my friends.   Things they’ve never heard of before, much to my amazement.  I’d go out with a little container, and when I get back from the trek, I’d have about a quart of tasty morsels.  My mother always stold me that if you are eating candy or other such treats, it’s very impolite if you don’t share.

So I would.  I’d offer to anyone that passes by with a cheerful, “hey, want some?? Don’t worry, I have plenty.”  Some folks dive right in without hesitation, saying things like, “mmmmm!! Thanks!”  But others look with squinty eyes and say, “ummm no thanks! What are those?”  When I hear such a reaction I secretly shudder inside at the poor soul who has gone way too long without experiencing the joy of free, natural dessert.  Mom (Mother Nature again…) has quite a spread out around this time of year for those who know where to look.  Yummy, yummy berries are coming on strong around these parts of Podunk.  I’m talking about raspberries, folks.  Are there really people who don’t know about raspberries??  I mean, this I cannot believe.

Dunno if berry picking is a lost art or what… but even the folks who are very aware of raspberries are surprised at the variety I bring in from a nice walk.  It’s not unusual to find yellow, black, and of course the traditional red raspberries.  Just because the “black caps” are ready doesn’t mean the blackberries are ripe though… they won’t be coming along until much later this month or early August.  Unless we get no rain, in which case we may only get mummified blackberries.  And those kind don’t taste so good.

On the other hand, in addition to more fingers, you have mulberries.  These are largely ignored by just about everyone I know.  Birds sure do love them though… and they do a great job of spreading the seeds around in their poop.  There are two types around these parts, white mulberries and the dark purple ones.  Seems like the purple ones are much more common, but both are truly delicious snacks.  Plus, they have the added bonus:  NO THORNS!!  Mulberries are grown as a fruit crop all over the world.   Mulberry leaves are also grown as food for silk worms.  The trees were even imported into North America in the early 1700’s with the intent of starting a silk industry.  The mulberry trees have spread far and wide on their own, but the silk industry didn’t do so good.

I’m very OK with people ignoring the mulberries.  That leaves more for ME!!
Now here’s a Berry of a very different sort… one of my favorites too… but this one plays a guitar….

I had a flashback on Wednesday!!  No, not the psychedelic kind… a vivid memory accompanied by warm fuzzy happy stuff.  The Farmer’s Insurance zeppelin was cruising the Muskegon skies, and I got to see it twice.  One of the ladies at work breezed past my office and blurted, “if you want to see the Farmer’s blimp, you better come to the window!!”

I ran.

There it was off in the distance!!  A beautiful example of technology that seems really weird but actually makes a lot of sense.  And definitely a blast from the past.  Then I got a closer look on my way home as it was cruising around in its huge, cigar shaped glory.

Technically, the Farmer’s Insurance “blimp” is not a blimp at all, it’s a zeppelin.  The difference (I just looked it up) being that a blimp is a dirigible, basically a giant gas bladder filled with helium.  A zeppelin, on the other hand has a frame or at least a partial frame that is used to keep the shape constant and also to mount motors in the back.

The flashback I mentioned earlier was sparked by the sight of the Farmer’s Insurance zeppelin.  I was maybe 6 or 7 years old, our family was living on Long Island at the time.  I remember playing outside and hearing the drone of some aircraft motors.  That was not unusual in those days, because when I was a kid the majority of commercial aircraft traffic was still being handled by propeller type airplanes.

However, these motors seemed pretty close to the ground, judging by the noise.  I also distinctly recall the shiver that went down my spine as I saw this huge dome shaped nose cone rising overhead above the trees.  I also remember a panel of lights with words scrolling along the bottom of this strange craft.  It was the Goodyear blimp!!  I had seen film of it on TV but here it was flying straight above me!!  From what I’ve read, typical operating altitude for such craft is about 1,000 feet, although they can go as high as 8,500 feet.  When you’re a kid and you see something that big, it seems much closer.  I’m pretty sure it was cruising at a much lower altitude than 1,000 feet, but that was a very long time ago.

So the magic of a zeppelin sighting brought me back to a very happy childhood memory.  Exactly what I needed… work has been a bit of a pain this past year.

So thank you to Farmers Insurance for sponsoring this wonderful craft.  I would have loved to been lucky enough to score a ride, but I didn’t get much advance notice.  Besides, I didn’t have a spare $536 lying around for a one hour zeppelin ride.  Ah well.

Oh, and and thank you Goodyear for keeping up the tradition also.  Goodyear has been making blimps since 1925!!  I never knew.  Sounds like they intend to keep doing so, and that the “new” designs will be zeppelins!

Are those things cool or what??
 
Speaking of flashbacks… this was made in 1953. We used to watch newsreels like this in school!
 

When we were kids on Long Island, we ate a lot of fish.  During the ‘60s there were plenty to be had, and numerous places to catch all kinds of wonderful things for dinner.  Crabs, flounder, blowfish, weakfish, bluefish, snappers, clams, and other delicious creatures were abundant in those days.

I remember once Dad took my brother and I fishing for snappers.  We used long bamboo poles and frozen minnows; and as I write this I fondly remember that such simple tackle proved very effective.  I also have a distinct memory of Dad trying to unhook an eel I caught.  I couldn’t have been very old, because I remember being rather frightened by this snake-like animal wrapping its body around Dad’s arm as he tried to unhook it.  He let it go, and I don’t remember ever catching another eel since.

Some time after The Great Eel Incident, I lost focus with the strange creatures.  Then, a magical thing happened.  Dad brought home some hard smoked eel from one of the local fish stores.  HOLY COW THAT WAS GOOD.  I only remember having it once, but the flavor was amazing.  Fast forward many years, and the only eel I’ve been able to find is at sushi bars.  A bit mushy and not very smoky.  Wet snake fish, if you ask me.

So anyway there I was, 10,000 feet in the air, no plane, no parachute… oh wait, there I go again… scratch that…

So there I was, minding my own business on a winter’s afternoon.  My beautiful girlfriend (a.k.a. Mrs. Wife Person) was at work and I was vegging out in front of the TV.  One of our favorites, Scandinaving Cooking, was on the local PBS station.  And lo and behold, the guy was talking about hard smoked eel!! I could almost smell it, and my mouth started watering.  Apparently it is still a favorite in Norway and other Scandinavian countries.  Something churned deep inside me and I embarked upon a mission to find smoked eel.

Michigan is not a place to find seafood.  That is, of course, if you want something other than shrimp or lobster.  I called one of my local favorite fish stores and asked if he could get any eel.  “You want what now??” he asked, quizzically.  “Hard smoked eel,” I said, carefully enunciating each word.  “Never heard of it… people eat eels?!?”  “Nevermind,” I sighed, and thanked the guy for his time.

Next, I tried looking up a more “regional” seafood distributor in Grand Rapids, the closest big city.  When I called Superior Seafood, I first asked if they sold to the general public.  “No, we are wholesale only,” the nice lady said.  Then I asked if they could even get hard smoked eel, and she said, “Why don’t you try Forest Hills?”   “You mean the grocery store?”  I asked.  “Yeah, they have a nice selection of seafood.”

I called Forest Hills grocery, and got the seafood department.  “Hi, can you folks get any hard smoked eel?” I asked.  “Huh??  Hard smoked eel?  I dunno lemme check a minute…”  I heard some queries being directed to his peers.  “Nope, can’t get that,” he replied.  “Any idea who to call?”  I asked.  “Try Superior Seafood,” he said.  “Oh, well they sent me to you,” I returned.

Tried a few more local yokels with no luck.  Then I decided to cast my net a bit farther, so to speak.   After several tries at plunking “hard smoked eel” into Google, I came up with only European sites.  So, I dropped it down to just “smoked eel,” and stumbled upon an outfit in New York called Delaware Delacacies Smoke House.  I called and left a message.  Ray, the owner, actually called me back!!  Got him live and in color on the phone today, and he said, yes, he had smoked eel, and it’s $20 a pound, extra for shipping and handling.

I asked, “is this hard smoked eel?”  “Not sure what you mean,” he says.  “Well, I mean it’s not like the mushy stuff they have at a sushi bar is it?” I queried.  “Don’t know, never been to one,” he said, with a tone in which you could visualize a bit of a shrug.  He went on to say the consistency of the meat is “like trout.”

Then I said, “well that sounds wonderful.  Let me talk to my boss and I’ll get back to you.  You know, the one I’m married to.”  “Yep, I get it,” he said.

I related this to my lovely girlfriend / wife / boss person and asked her if I could please get some could I huh could I please huh could I??  SHE SAID YES!!

So, the happy ending is that I’m gonna save my pennies and pay $20 a pound for some snakey looking delicious fish. YUM YUM!!

On the other hand, you have Eels, but not the same kind…

Hello, and thank you for tuning in to this week’s antenna ranching installment.  Work has been removing my capillaries again, and although I was in a bit of an emotional slump recently I’ve decided to staple feathers to my dog’s pajamas and anonymously send ice cream to the corporate headquarters via parcel post.  Surely these stress relief methods will result in at least two or perhaps even seventeen new buttons on Mrs. Jingledweeb’s radish basket.

Huh??  Not to worry… just a little stress relief there…

Those of you who know me are aware that I am a geek by trade and a gardener by passion.  The geek boy role pays the bills, the garden feeds my soul (and also my family!). In other words, computer support is what I do, but it’s NOT who I am. Today’s economy, however, can make one wonder what the future will bring. For the first time in my life I’m learning what it feels like to focus WAY too much on my job.

Lately, my job has become rather huge.  Too much to do, and I could literally live at work and never get it all done.  This situation is certainly not unique to me, many of my coworkers find themselves in the same boat.  “Agility,” they call it.  That’s a euphemism for “we’re gonna whittle the number of employees down to the bare minimum (or less) but all those who are left get to have all their work.”

The upper echelon has absolutely no clue what we peasants are going through… they just keep saying things like “right-sizing” and “cost effectiveness.”  We working folk look up the corporate ladder and see an upper crust that is getting their pockets lined nicely each year; but we’ve had no raises for at least 4 years now.

And guess what?  This is a worldwide phenomenon over which I have absolutely no control.  I’ve been taking my job way too personally lately.  I’ve been trying to manage an unmanageable workload, and then I go home in a somber mood.  “I just can’t keep up… people must be getting impatient,” I tell my lovely wife.  “It’s not your fault,” she reassures me, “you can’t help it that when the other guy retired they didn’t replace him.  Try not to be so negative… it just invites more of the same you know…”

Yeah, I know.

SO!  I’m not afraid to admit that I broke down and shed a few tears of frustration last weekend.  Hey, it doesn’t happen very often but I know how to cry if I need to… it’s a release that has probably kept me from completely losing my mind over the years.  After letting it out, I got some good reminders from my darling girlfriend (who, conveniently, is my wife) and several other very close friends.

The reminders all basically boiled down to these simple guides:

A)  Don’t sweat the small stuff.

12)  EVERYTHING is small stuff.

7)  Maintain some boundaries – balance the job with your real life.

p4)  Don’t take this work stuff too seriously, and

*@)  Try to smile.  It is much more pleasant than frowning.

I’ve been reprogramming.  Funny how the older I get, the less I know.  If I can stay in that frame of mind, I can survive this work stuff by learning new ways to cope.  I can let go of the things I simply can’t control.  I can have a life outside of work even!  I can raise a nice garden and get my hands nice and dirty!  I can take time to laugh!  I can even stop using so many exclamation points!

Or not!!

And, I can include a video that gave me a smile when I was much younger.

It reminds me of those silly bosses up there in Rich Kid Land, who, by the way, likely will never be invited to our place for dinner.

Summer isn’t officially here in beautiful West Michigan, but around here summer “begins” on Memorial Day and starts slipping away after Labor Day. We’ve had some 90 degree days already and a good amount of rain. Needless to say, the vegetation has exploded all around us.

The garden is a-kickin’ in…

Friends and family know that organic gardening is permanently embedded in my soul. I always fuss because I get the planting done “way too late;” then I fuss some more when the kids go back to school and all the harvesting has to be done.

I simply love all of it to pieces.

I’m a bed planter. No, that does not mean that I dig really large holes and put bedroom furniture in them. What it actually means is that, because I like to make the most of my miniature farm, I do a lot of companion planting in beds about 2 feet wide rather than many single rows. Companion planting involves a little “reminder research” each year; during which time I read up on what plants like to live with each other.

Rows are nice and tidy, and relatively easy to maintain. However, I can get much more “production” from beds once they get established. Of course, bed planting also invites weeds, and for the first few weeks of the garden season it can be a challenge to keep the “uninvited guest” plants out.

Most of you call these uninvited plants weeds. I guess a weed, by at least one definition, is a nuisance plant. Many weeds are useful and even edible, however. My Dad introduced us to “sour grass” when we were very small. It’s actually called sheep sorrel, and is sometimes used as a salad green. Dad also got us into wild berries and fruits, so of course it’s not uncommon for us to think of him when we are chowing down on some wild strawberries or blueberries.

When I left home, my interest in natural foods grew and I started gathering books on native plants and such. Friends still think I’m a little off when I stop in my tracks and pick some wild greens for munching. One of my personal favorites is lambs quarters, which is actually quite nutritious. Actually tastes pretty darn good too. Then our friend Pam introduced me to purslane, another common “weed” that is packed with nutrients including omega 3 oils.

But while weeds can be yummy and useful, I have to admit that my gardening focus has been primarily set on keeping “weeds” like lambs quarters and purslane OUT of the garden. Hey, I figure if I really want to eat them, all I have to do is do a little weeding, or else venture outside the garden a bit and find all I want.

Recently however, our lovely, tree-hugging daughter (the nuts don’t fall far from the tree, so to speak) informed us that she spent $4.50 on a one gallon bag of lambs quarters at a local organic produce market. Upon hearing this, I had to chuckle a bit.

“You bought lambs quarters?!?!?” I snickered. I’ll have a bunch soon… how much can I get for them? “Yeah,” she said a bit sheepishly. “It’s the only fresh greens they had.”

Yesterday I called her while I was weeding out in the garden.

“Hi, this is K&K Hansen Farms calling. I have lambs quarters coming, I can sell you them for $2.50 a pound. I have a produce scale in the shed… just weigh up what you want and leave your money in the jar.”

After the joking and poking, I asked seriously if she wanted them (for free of course).

“I’m weeding right now… if you want some of these I’ll forget to pull them out of the ground and save them for you.”

So I did. And I did something historic: I ACTUALLY MULCHED AROUND THE LAMBS QUARTERS TO HELP THEM GROW BETTER. Never in my living life would I have guessed that I’d be mulching “weeds.”

Here’s a photo to prove it!!

I mulched these "weeds" for cryin' out loud!!

Then to make things even more interesting, we brought some rhubarb to one of our favorite local restaurants, Mia and Grace, and were talking to our server. A nice gent, probably around the same age as our lovely daughter. He mentioned that he enjoys eating both lambs quarters and purslane.

Maybe I’m on the cutting edge of a burgeoning market!! Planting could be pretty simple next year. Just make my planting beds and water, then watch the food sprout!

OK, maybe I’ll grow some beans, corn, and squash and such too just for the halibut (we also love fish).

Now here’s a way to prepare vegetables that I’ve never really thought of before…