Kakahead

Dear Perglezookeys,

Please don’t spread the word, but as I have already alerted some
of my comrades, I have been masticating during lunch. My mandible
enjoys this to the point where it is pretty much automatic. Please
be aware, however, that mastication is a pure, wholesome, and
reasonably natural process and should not be refreshed in the name
of Dondo Frijole. You personally may opt NOT to masticate, but do
so only with the precaution that you might be setting yourself up to
receive the Hindkick maneuver from your piers. Piers and maybe even
docks. If their are two such piers, well that of course would be a
paradox.

On the other hand, you may receive the Hand Lick maneuver, which is
totally disgusting and miserably ineffective. Your piers may not
even want to try it. And of course, if you add an “L” to “piers,”
you get “pliers,” and that’s what Herman the Zinc Miner will use to
pinch your septum every single time the Three Stooges investigate
the Twighlight Zone.

In the early morning night time, I opened the window and several
nonfurry checkbook carriers escaped and ran through the intersections.
As I saw this, I twinkled my toes and exclaimed, “Holy Photonic
Calibration!! There go four of my unused satellite receivers!”
If you see them, it’s likely they will be traveling with soup
and perhaps even potato cartilage. This flavor based combination
will intimidate even the best of all your political capuccino.
Why would anyone even attempt to varnish tomatoes is way beyond the
my constitution.

Clang clang clang go the whistles, enjoying help from Above and Oh
my God my socks are draining again. Above refers to a place higher
than me, where birds, helicopters, and dragonflies enjoy friendly
“Hey let’s watch the Exorcist again” parties. If you happen to be
near such a gathering, please run from the wildebeest and leave a
trail of Poppin’ Fresh doughnuts so we can find you when it’s time
to do the dishes.

Someone stole eleven percent of my brain. This makes the chore of
even normale typeikng vyery diffiddicult indeeded.n Sol I lleave
youoyou noww, bbefoorew I cane nlwo longerers type * at # Alle.’

By buy,

Zeb Rookenzool

Action Figure of Choice,
3003 Ozone Olympics

Dear Earth Dwellers,

This is to advise all steam hangers that any further disguising of endocrine lamps will be postulated with electric germ tables on or about September 27, 2014. All related salivation will occur just before lunch has a chance to hit the fan.

This is NOT a drill.

I cannot inflame you strongly enough to cease and desist with the act of emulating small furry granola bars. After all, any irresponsible kazoo impresario will automatically endure greatly exaggerated facial expressions.

Gradually we will consult the prototype monkey bar infusion devices in an attempt to discern extraordinary methods of vegetable and / or marshmallow juice extraction. Until then, please return to your imaginary “safe place” and enjoy the gumdrop flavored caffeinated meat sticks.

If you have any questions about the arrangement of your bedroom furniture, please contact Moller Enterprises in Sedgewicke Valley, New Mexico and they will refund your pajamas with explosion resistant platform shoes.

Sincerely,

Barker G. Finkledust

a.k.a. “Vice President Insaney”

Hello Traves and Mizzledenters,

In the interest of a more secure planet whose resources have been dwindling at an alarming rate, we must now embark upon an agressive lotion application program for each and every living organism on this home we call Earth.

Some of you may well ask, “how does one apply lotion to pollywogs and other large mammals?”   As a famous president often said, “let me say this about that..”

Please ask both of your friends whether they can seriously find themselves.  You simply never know in this day and age where one can be found.  And of course, if one is found then others will be soon to follow.

I’ve asked our electronic recycling contractors to apply soap to both wheels.  Please let me know if any capacity regions require further coagulation.

This procedure is truly vital and must be followed exactly.  Some of the more common questions that may or may not arise are:

Do chocolate celery sticks enjoy a separate life cycle?

What color is this wandering balloon whose name is Alfred?

Remember that one time when we were sleeping in the snowbank?

Is this carnival really safe?

Are you going to eat that???

Please thank yourselves in advance for your constellations.  After all, EVERYBODY is a star.

Happy Wheezing,

Brebbick N. Zemberklang
a.k.a. “Foofie McSnuffington”

Warning:  This message contains nonsense and may destroy your porcupine salad.

———————————————

Hello Frame Handlers,

Although most crustaceans were not aware, I was working in Muskegon for a few months.

Many of you have never asked me, “how is Muskegon??”   So I’m probably not overdue for an answer.

Some of my own scientifically based observations:   Muskegon is like a chicken with no milk for cereal.  All the trees are planted upside down and one has a difficult time finding shade under the roots that stick up in the air.  The squirrels are very large and strong, which is partly due to their diet of car parts.   Wild dogs run the streets in packs of 12 – 20 oz.  containers.

Many small children grow their own toys.

You’d think that in a large town as small as Muskegon there would be a library and perhaps even a delicatessen.  Well, unfortunately the only service provided there is curb dusting on Wednesdays between 12 a.m. and 12:03 a.m.  So obviously there’s no delicatessen, but rather a small collection of street vendors who, for a small fee, will abstain from throwing food at you while you walk along the freshly dusted curb.

All the fire hydrants have been painted with invisible ink.  Nobody knows why, and now of course they cannot find any of them so the 1973 Dodge Ram 1/2 ton Firetruck and its 14 man crew must rely on many bottles of Dasani and / or Aquafina for fire sprinkling enjoyment.

Muskegon prides itself on the “high quality” paving jobs of the city streets.   The primary paving material is zebra mussels.  The shells are crunchy and fun to drive on; and the bodies of the mussels are soft and gooey.  Once a big layer of mussels is applied to the avenue, a steam roller flattens them to make Instant Road.   Nose clamps are freely available at major intersections during “The Great Paving Festival” in early August.

Well, I could go on and on, but  then I’d soon be forced to join that self-help group, “On And On And On-Anon.”

If you have any questions or concerns, please, by all means abruptly give yourself a swirly; and just think carefully about what it is you expect to hear from the likes of me.

Got it?

Fine.

Yours in Two Trains,

Graham B. Floopenhosen
a.k.a. “The Great Wide Giblet Hunter”