Kakahead

Dear Lumpflatteners,

Please enjoy the clam sandwiches currently available at the Old New Dehli Deli.  You will find the sam clandwiches right next to the Belly Jellies, in the frinkle sauce department of a clibbik store near you.

You may qualify for a package of used cheese.  Please do not write to the following address to see if you have entered your name in the North American Bilge Experience (NABE):

Log Turner Contest

24Cx Bugsnot Blvd.

Chiclet, MI  44404

Please call 1-800-555-1212 for the number.  Ask for Phlegm.  Be advised that all pickles will be collected by a rodent during the coming drainy season.  Do not worry about any plugged drains, for as we all know if a plain gets drugged there are more than enough socks to prevent the chafing with the rubbing and the ouch and the hoy hoy hoy awreddy.

Now of course you can be happy to know that I have more paper for sale than ever before.  Some of it is useful.  If you want some, send $23.70 in dickels and nimes to my

pet dirt clump over there in the hedgerow.  Upon receiving the money, I will send you your 43 tons of compressed paper. Make sure the car is not in the garage that day.

If any of this makes sense to you, make sure you contact your local EAP representative by July 27, 2019 .  Be aware they cannot dispense medication but they do know some really cool recipes for Dust Salad.  There are also community resources on which you can rely, such as the Office Of Pie Stashers (OOPS) and the Ceramic Octagon Plucking Society (COPS).  Neither of these entities will run to your aid.  Therefore, if you derive meaning from any of what has been written heretofore in this letter thing, you are basically toast.

Enjoy toast with all your might.  Remember, the toast you crave may be on loan.

Happy Bortinkulars to you.  I’m certain that you and your family will enjoy the customary Baseball Bat Surprise which can only be found in specially marked boxes.  Please, don’t chew with your mouth full.  Go fourth in peace… 2^nd or 3^rd simply will not do.  May your friends welcome you with open storage containers.  May your kitchen sink never be lonely.  May the sands of Greenland never fly into your cereal.

My eyes are lamps,

Kebbic G. Fefflewonk

a.k.a. Harvey Ticknoodle

Please to enjoy now the following live action recorded audio video combination doohicky by viewing it with the vacuum tube operated device of your own choosing yes OK fine thank you. (Be careful though… if you recognize any of the characters you may be admitting you’re as old as me!!)

Here in the U.S., We live in a very rich culture. This is illustrated by the number of different foods from which we may choose. Of course, our huge number of choices has also blurred the definition of food. Some of the things we eat are a far cry from the types of things Grandma and Grampa grew on the farm.  What has really happened, unfortunately, is this: the definition of food has been transformed from that which we eat for survival and health, to anything that we can eat without dying. Some “foods” we consume these days are interesting, to say the least. The origin of these interesting foods is at best mysterious, so this manuscript attempts to unfold some of these mysteries.

One example is Jell-O brand gelatin( I’m obeying the trademark laws by writing it that way). Interesting stuff, Jell-O is. Where does it come from?? Of course, it comes from mines. Deep in the caverns of the Earth, “jellite,” the raw material from which all dessert gelatins are made, is found in huge deposits in naturally cooled ice boxes.  Jellite miners are a happy lot, as they are constantly smiling and even laughing aloud because of the strange physics involved in harvesting the stuff from natural deposits. Imagine if you will a large mass of wiggly gelatin acting as if it’s trying to jump off your shovel!

Years ago, miners would eagerly look forward to lunch time, when they could indulge in a sport named “jellite jumping.”  Miners would find a tall jellite cart and dive off into the deposits, sometimes falling into the bouncy goop, and sometimes bouncing right off. Big fun. Food quality standards and health laws, however, brought a quick demise to “jellite jumping,” especially after the renowned case of Groznyk vs. Jellymines, Inc.; in which Frubert Groznyk sued the jellite mining company after finding shoelaces in his dessert.

Moving on, another interesting food item is corn flakes.  Corn flakes are, of course, corn dandruff. Specially selected corn plants are given shampoos far too frequently, and when the scalp dries to excess, corn flakes fall to the shoulders of the plant. Corn Flake Collectors (CFCs) are specially trained individuals who know exactly when the flakes will fall, and are ready with broom corn brushes to wisk the flakes into brand name containers. National cereal chains spend large amounts on their dandruff containers, sometimes even including reading material on the back. But flakes are flakes, so consumers can save a bundle by purchasing off-brand corn dandruff.

Chitlins are considered “soul food” by some folks.  Well, that’s a bit strange to me. We have two chitlins, a boy and a girl, and I don’t see myself going hungry enough to eat either of them. Unless of course they try to move back home. Not really! They’d be way too tough, anyhow. I’ve heard of folks eating anchovies on pizza and other dumb things, but eating my chitlins would be even Dahmer. Just never you mind about eating chitlins. OK?

Hot dogs have been an American staple for many years.  They have a very bad reputation, and are given pet names like “mystery meat,” or the ironically affectionate term, “tube steak.” The ingredients used to make hot dogs is a closely guarded secret, although it is said that any part of a meat animal that can’t be used otherwise is found in hot dogs.  Lips, noses, earlobes, and worse have been speculated as possible ingredients. Hot dogs also contain large collections of preservatives and flavor enhancing chemicals that have been linked to various digestive disorders, and may also affect the central nervous system.

At this point, I must digress a bit to refute these claims. My mother served us hot dogs often when we were kids. They were used instead of more expensive meats as a main course. Hot dogs, macaroni & cheese, and spinach.  A simply magical meal that covered the three main food groups inexpensively.  In fact, I’ve carried this tradition on to my family, and we just had a nice Hot Dog Surprise Casserole for dinner. Neither I, my family, nor my siblings have ever had any digestive problems; and our central nervous systems are completely intact with the rare exception of vivid hallucinations and strange speaking patterns (oh wait, maybe that’s just me…).

Anyway, as far as central nervous system problems, aside from the occa#i0n9l typ1n6 error$, my brain and nervdes are fine, JUST FINE, OK?? Nice hot dog… come sit down here and we’ll watch TV. I’ll play you a song on my Oscar Meyer Wiener Whistle!! Say hello to Mr. Broccoli. Die Mr. Broccoli!! Die!! You better run!  I throw your face in the macaroni and cheese!! Ha ha ha ha… nice Mr. Broccoli.  Please pass me some more Hot Surprise Dogfood… Thanks!  So, now you all know how food mysteries prevent broccoli from removing sodium gronkulate deposites in jellite pig holders. Until next time, keep smiling at the candy wrappers, and be sure to invite me over when you folks have dot hogs. Or even florn cakes! Jellite for dessert, please; hold the shoelaces.  

Whoa! It’s after eleven o’clock! Do you know where your chitlins are??

So here’s a weird one… did a search on hot dogs for a cartoon and here’s a VERY old one from 1924… I though it was fun, hope you do too.

Hello Darling Friends and Zimplers,

Just a note to tell you that I’ve learned how to eat what snakes don’t like. Please, all of you, before it’s too late: change your weevils soon or your dentifrice will be subject to humiliation. You’ve always known what eggs are, so get with the program. OK, maybe you didn’t always know what eggplants are. But the second you found out, I’ll bet you enjoyed their rich, chewy centers.

Twelve times this year I’ve sanctioned your optic nerves. Now it’s time for YOU to do something for me: bring “the stuff” to the next curbside travel aroma infestation. Do this for me in remembrance of the good old days, when men were mere clods of soil and women were tender, loving, delightful bags of chocolate crème oatmeal.

Clams have been telling me the best doggone stories I’ve ever ignored during the past few milliseconds. I often am astonished at their true talent and willingness to stack coloring books to the ceiling. If only they would cease applying the maraschino cherries to all those taffy-sucking, dust-gathering, elegant and kind bovine conversation artists. How pleasantly they yell to my cats while I’m sleeping: “HEY!!  GO USE YOUR CLAWS ON THE HUMANS!”

As I wake up each morning with cat ouch on my freckles, I’m beginning to understand why God made dump trucks.  It’s the noodle thing you know.  People fling noodles in the streets as a sign of protest during times of tardy laxative infusions.  When the doody is late, the people are… well… noodle flingers.  Some floodle ningers are just plain angry, and other fling noodlers are having the best time of their lives.  Why anyone would shake up a bottle of Pepsi and hand it to the “birthday boy” is beyond my wildest tent caterpillars.  I’ve seen the look on “birthday boy’s” face as the brown foam covers his favorite television clicking carpet.  It’s just one of those moments when you just gotta have a pair of pineapples to stuff in the pencil sharpener.  So as you can see, the noodle trucks were made to pick up all the dump flingers.  Is that a remarkable paint remover or what??

OK.  Step awaaay from the rhinestones.  We will glue them to your armpits later, after you’ve washed those two bags of Camel Chow with radio juice.  Don’t worry about all the precipitation, Camel Chow is made to last even in the worst banana storms.  After all, Uncle Clogpipe will certainly let you know when it’s time to rotate the fossil camera.  Remember, always duck when the banana storm begins, or you’ll be the first one on your block to own a 12% rayon staple gun.  I’ve seen this happen at least – 0.5 times, maybe even less.  Don’t try to argue with me on this one, alright?

Wumba, wumba, wumba goes the tire with the small baseball bat inside for extra bad handling on those tight turns and special goat races.  Carefully pick your friends, for if you are picking your friends carefully, then you’ll never have to worry about picking your friend’s …. um…. lint globs.  You thought I was gonna say nose, didn’t you?  Ha, ha ha…  it’s snot something I wood say hear.  I mean, you can pick your friends and you can pick your knows, but you can’t wipe your friend’s boogies off behind the sofa.  Sew there!  Eye didn’t say it!!  Ha ha on you!!!

All right then.  You better not read this anymore.  You may find yourself being lost within your shelf, and then there will be no finding of anything.  Who needs surround sound anyway??  I’ll tell you who:  ME.  I’m gonna tell someone to have it for me so I may enjoy it viscerally.  Or perhaps vivaciously.  Possibly even vertically.  My Belt is Yellow.

Horizontally Yours,

Kreb ZooZookena

P.S.: Something tells me Betty Boop would understand exactly what I never said…

Warning:  the following installment of Frappy Hiday contains large amounts of nonsense and intestinal worms.  Do not read any further if you are prone to sleeping with rubber bands in your cereal or have an allergic reaction to sense that makes no things.

What the heck kind of title is that?  Anyhow???   Is this going to be one of those stupid dog butt sniffing stories?? Come to think of it, I’m not sure I know any dog butt sniffing stories.  I could maybe make one up, but there’s really nothing you can buy with three nickels anymore.  So why would I sniff the butt’s dog?  My friend Musky da sniffed a butt’s dog recently, and he seemed to be very intent with this activity.  Does this mean that sniff dogging is similar to wise wondering?

No, this is an adventure in stress relief.  You see, I’m being a bit indulgent here… and I’m going to just crack open a jar of petroleum jelly and a box of crackers, and make a nice snack that not only sticks to your ribs but lubes the bones and coats the skin with a nice shiny paragraph on Al Gore and his TV Dinners.  Then I’ll wash it all down with a nice tall glass of dry ice.   Work has presented numerous “challenges” of late, ok?  I placed “challenges” in “quotes” because there are some “people” who are getting on my “nerves” and I would love to “choke” them but I don’t want to go to “jail” just because the “kakaheads” are making me “crazy.”  You “know” what I “mean??”

Then there’s the “guy at work” who seems bell lent for heather to “drive me up a tree” and I don’t even have a seat belt for that tree or anything.  No air bags neither.  No smell phone to stick in my ear so I can drive like a zombie and crash into a giant salami.  I mean hey, if someone is determined to “tree me up a drive,” the very least that person could do is provide air conditioning and a hybrid engine that gets well over 93 miles to a gallon of ice cream.

Am I right or am I wrong??

Of course I am!!

I’m keenly aware that the only “solution” to letting someone “up me tree a drive” is to tune out their bullroni and strongly suggest that nasal cheese insertion be performed.  The instructions would come in a format very much like this:

“Hey you with the face!  For why you are doing these things that were originally assigned to me without my hello?  Are you in the want of pickled toilet paper?  I am now urging you vehemently to cram large cheese globs in your nose to enhance your breathing!!  And while you’re at it, why don’t you place your tongue in that electrical box over yonder??  That box needs testing, and you’ve just the tongue to do it!”

This, I am sure, is the only true way to diplomatically tell  flame-headed wombats just how wonderful you feel about  their actions.  Don’t you agree??  Of course I do!

I was also very compressed at the driving ability of one total bark-eating numbskull just yesterday.  There I was, careening down the boulevard in my 2003 racing Toyota Corolla, and going the legal speed limit or even less, and some tonk-mookler decided to pass me with less than 2 millimeters clearance between his bumper and my front fender with no regard for the safety of any insects or other humans.  I mean, this tampon-brain forced me into the evasive “holy cow” maneuver.  Then of course he (or she??) proceeded to cut off numerous other innocent sidebanders while zipping in and out of traffic.   Now THAT’S intelligence, don’t ya think?  Seedless to nay, I had a few opinions which instantly arose from my brain and out of my mouth as I flailed the steering wheel about while I tried to prevent the kersmooshing of metal objects and finely crafted petrochemicals.

Now, believe me, I understand that people don’t intentionally do things TO me, they just DO THINGS.  But sometimes I just let it get to me and then I go find a bug and try to teach it to sing karaoke.  I try to be tolerant of people who are less than wonderful…   I think I’m getting better at being nice, but while my eyes and mouth are being pleasantly neutral, my mind is screaming at the top of its lungs:

“HOLY MACKEREL WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR ME??”

This is not very kind, so I’m very grateful that I don’t often react with nastiness to those type of folks.  Anymore.  Used to be I would actually SAY  the things that my mouth wanted to spit, but then I’d have to apologize and offer expensive candy or something.  Maybe that’s part of getting old enough to remember when the Beatles came over on the Mayflower, I dunno.  But I DO know that stress is a very small pair of pajamas that seek dogfood in a jar of jellybeans.  So the next time I get angry, please remind me that there really is a bus that has one way tickets to Indianapolis.  I don’t really want to go there, but if I never run away again it will be the next time.

I had chocolate today.  Three times.  That was helpful.

Perhaps I need a new job.  You know, where the stress is zero minus 173 and you get paid for loafing.  Bud Abbott and Lou Costello did a nice bit about just that very subject…

To My Dearest Nocturnal Lobster Lifters,

I’m writing to inform you that as of today I will no longer accept random insect insertions into my nasal cavities.  Although I can look back at my life and smile widely at those friendly attempts at making my intake air more wiggly; I have learned that bugs do not stay seated calmly as I have often requested.  Rather they seem to be bent upon moving about; and have even been known to search for building materials used to construct little tiny living rooms in my nostrils.

I was almost willing to accept this activity until Blooken Reffenzek, a widely acclaimed weevil known for her knack for home decor, decided to have a party with very loud music at 3:37 a.m. on April 27, 2002.  To add insult to perjury, there was the pile of snack cake wrappers and beverage containers I sneezed out when the alarm clock shrieked it’s unbelievably excruciating “bing bong WOOOOOO” noise at 5:15.

I simply MUST get a new waking device.

Seriously, I am really having trouble believing that you allowed those adolescent camels to sleep in the pantry over the weekend.  Don’t you have any respect for the neighbors’ oatmeal supply??  I hope you can live with ourselves.  I mean, that’s worse than the time you blurted out all those strange rhymes in the grocery store…

“ALL THESE FIGS SMELL JUST LIKE PIGS!! “  and

“YOU SCREAM, I SCREAM, WE ALL NEED A MONKEY!!”  … a poor excuse for a rhyme; oh and not to forget

“EENIE MEENIE MYNIE MO, SCRATCH YO BUTT AND LICK DA FLO!!”   not only a bad rhyme but just a wee bit grammatically flinky.

So as of this day I will be reporting each and every milligram of dust in your coffee hamper.

Be aware of it.

If I find even ONE piece of unused cannoli in your root cellar, I will have no alternative but to smirk glibly and make really irritating barking noises.

Sincerely,

Vivnord T. Minkenstain

a.k.a. “Moth Eater Marty”

” If you can’t find the bathroom, don’t sleep in my truck.” - Irving MoleCramp

And now for something completely different…

Hello Dust Flingers,

This is to inform none of you that all new banana recipes should be turned in to the Front Sniffing Room before 12:47 p.m. on Tuesday, August 72, 19127.

None of you may remember the hatchling song; the words of which were “stolen” by Gus Parbnackle during the second Coat Hanger Revolt of 1924.

This enjoyable malady has been renewed during the last 28 microseconds and is now sung to the tune of “Inna Gadda Da Vida”:

Guess who barfed on my shoes today
Do dah, do dah
Hatchlings shouldn’t act this way
Oh do dah day…

If you find it necessary to rekindle the spirit which is found to be both blue and wormy; please run directly to your neighbors and ask them to return the crescent wrench your uncle borrowed shortly before dinner last Wednesday morning.

In summary, I must remind you not to rub sandpaper inside your mucous membranes.  Fortunately, that practice has been abandoned long ago due to

the over abundance of spagetti in water fountains made by Mattel.

Thank you for being who  you are.  After all, if you weren’t you, you wouldn’t be.   That would be very confusing to you now wouldn’t it??

My toes look like morel mushrooms again!!

Happy Bozo Express,

Zibnick G. Amplegrane
a.k.a. “Monty the Moth Rancher”

Now you must understand that the following cartoon has a hatchling in it; but just for the halibut I threw in some Educated Fish. Very nice cartoon from 1937.

Dear Boat Fingers,

This writing am I e-mail warn you about the to “Bad Sentence Structure” worm lately internet has that around going been.

I have already been assimilated with the English not sentence constructed correcly worm believe I but corrected problem the morning this.

Intend to be I the on look for similar any messages out.

The infection of symptom not correct structure sentences make is you to able not are.

Only the for cure this to is your thoroughly with amounts wash head of shampoo large.

Out when figure who I place worm sent in this place the first, my Cousin call to with idiots I will these Rocco deal.

Thank,

Reeben Trazzlenat
Odlio Caves
Borpen, LI  00027

Dear Antenna Ranchers,

I found it necessary to let you all know that I am on vacation tomorrow, and you are not.  Unless you are, then you are also.

On vacation.

Have I mentioned I’m not working tomorrow??  Oh wait… I’m writing this thing called Happy Friday.  So that means it’s today already!!  Which means:  I’m on vacation!!  And you are not.  Unless you are.  On vacation.

Deja Vu…

Ha ha on you who must work, I laugh to you.   I bet your toenails are shivering at the thought of working for the next many days.  This is very amusing to me indeed.

I plan to spend the day doing things that I do not get paid to do.  This is why it is called vacation.  Although it won’t happen THIS time, some of my favorite things to do are playing in the garden, sleeping longer than normal and maybe even forgetting how to shave my cat’s teddy bear baskets.  The garden must be carefully tilled with explosives and high pressure syrup hoses.  Following that, I methodically mix all my veggie seeds together in a large five gallon bucket and fling them into the syrup explosion zones.  Pancakes will be sprouting before June 48 if we don’t get any rain…

We are driving to Florida this time, which is many hours on our hineys in a small car we affectionately call, “Old Rattlebonken.”  We go to visit family, no Mickety Mouse for the likes of us (Thank God).  The most important thing is I will be with my loved ones and not at work.

On the other hand, I just ate a grape from Meijer that tasted like fish.  I never knew they had fish grapes.  Now I must try my hand at making fish raisins or maybe one of YOU could send me the recipe for fish wine. If I recall correctly, there are stories of a very famous person who could convert bread into water and fish into wine.  So as you can see, fish wine is not a new concept.

However, regardless of how much fish wine you may care to produce, I will not be having any with your breaded water meal.  I am a recovering fishaholic, so it might not be a very good idea for me to start drinking fish again.  I’ll just have to enjoy the fish raisins, or maybe peanut butter and fish jelly sandwiches with a glass of coconut milk.

How many moles does it take to get a jar of molasses??  Those poor moles, running around with no hineys.  They are brave to sacrifice their booty just so we can have our jars of molasses.  Not sure why we civilized people even allow jars of molasses to be sold in stores.  I mean, do you ever see jars of mouseknees, cricketlips, or even seagullstomachs??  Nope.  Just molasses.

Dinner for every day during this vacation will be pizza and Snickers bars.  Freshly squeezed fish grapes will be served up as a nice hot beverage with a dollop of whipped crab juice on the side.  No farmers will be harmed in this extravaganza.  It’s very possible I need a vacation.

Please have a safe and odiferous working time.  Are you on vacation?  No, you are not.

ME, not YOU.

My eyes have suddenly turned into olives!!!

Conko De Bonko,

Kenny Calibration
a.k.a. “Fossil Tongue Pete”



Dear Perglezookeys,

Please don’t spread the word, but as I have already alerted some
of my comrades, I have been masticating during lunch. My mandible
enjoys this to the point where it is pretty much automatic. Please
be aware, however, that mastication is a pure, wholesome, and
reasonably natural process and should not be refreshed in the name
of Dondo Frijole. You personally may opt NOT to masticate, but do
so only with the precaution that you might be setting yourself up to
receive the Hindkick maneuver from your piers. Piers and maybe even
docks. If their are two such piers, well that of course would be a
paradox.

On the other hand, you may receive the Hand Lick maneuver, which is
totally disgusting and miserably ineffective. Your piers may not
even want to try it. And of course, if you add an “L” to “piers,”
you get “pliers,” and that’s what Herman the Zinc Miner will use to
pinch your septum every single time the Three Stooges investigate
the Twighlight Zone.

In the early morning night time, I opened the window and several
nonfurry checkbook carriers escaped and ran through the intersections.
As I saw this, I twinkled my toes and exclaimed, “Holy Photonic
Calibration!! There go four of my unused satellite receivers!”
If you see them, it’s likely they will be traveling with soup
and perhaps even potato cartilage. This flavor based combination
will intimidate even the best of all your political capuccino.
Why would anyone even attempt to varnish tomatoes is way beyond the
my constitution.

Clang clang clang go the whistles, enjoying help from Above and Oh
my God my socks are draining again. Above refers to a place higher
than me, where birds, helicopters, and dragonflies enjoy friendly
“Hey let’s watch the Exorcist again” parties. If you happen to be
near such a gathering, please run from the wildebeest and leave a
trail of Poppin’ Fresh doughnuts so we can find you when it’s time
to do the dishes.

Someone stole eleven percent of my brain. This makes the chore of
even normale typeikng vyery diffiddicult indeeded.n Sol I lleave
youoyou noww, bbefoorew I cane nlwo longerers type * at # Alle.’

By buy,

Zeb Rookenzool

Action Figure of Choice,
3003 Ozone Olympics

Dear Earth Dwellers,

This is to advise all steam hangers that any further disguising of endocrine lamps will be postulated with electric germ tables on or about September 27, 2014. All related salivation will occur just before lunch has a chance to hit the fan.

This is NOT a drill.

I cannot inflame you strongly enough to cease and desist with the act of emulating small furry granola bars. After all, any irresponsible kazoo impresario will automatically endure greatly exaggerated facial expressions.

Gradually we will consult the prototype monkey bar infusion devices in an attempt to discern extraordinary methods of vegetable and / or marshmallow juice extraction. Until then, please return to your imaginary “safe place” and enjoy the gumdrop flavored caffeinated meat sticks.

If you have any questions about the arrangement of your bedroom furniture, please contact Moller Enterprises in Sedgewicke Valley, New Mexico and they will refund your pajamas with explosion resistant platform shoes.

Sincerely,

Barker G. Finkledust

a.k.a. “Vice President Insaney”