{"id":1105,"date":"2023-08-04T23:15:44","date_gmt":"2023-08-05T03:15:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kakahead.com\/?p=1105"},"modified":"2023-08-04T23:15:44","modified_gmt":"2023-08-05T03:15:44","slug":"sniff-the-dog-wisely","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/kakahead.com\/?p=1105","title":{"rendered":"Sniff The Dog Wisely"},"content":{"rendered":"

Warning:\u00a0 the following installment of Frappy Hiday contains large amounts of nonsense and intestinal worms.\u00a0 Do not read any further if you are prone to sleeping with rubber bands in your cereal or have an allergic reaction to sense that makes no things.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

What the heck kind of title is that?\u00a0 Anyhow???\u00a0 \u00a0Is this going to be one of those stupid dog butt sniffing stories?? Come to think of it, I’m not sure I know any dog butt sniffing stories.\u00a0 I could maybe make one up, but there’s really nothing you can buy with three nickels anymore.\u00a0 So why would I sniff the butt’s dog?\u00a0 Our friend Musky da was very good at sniffing a butt’s dog in his day, and he seemed to be very intent with this activity.\u00a0 Does this mean that sniff dogging is similar to wise wondering?<\/p>\n

No, this is an adventure in stress relief.\u00a0 You see, I’m being a bit indulgent here… and I’m going to just crack open a jar of petroleum jelly and a box of crackers, and make a nice snack that not only sticks to your ribs but lubes the bones and coats the skin with a nice shiny paragraph on Al Gore and his TV Dinners.\u00a0 Then I’ll wash it all down with a nice tall glass of dry ice.\u00a0\u00a0 Life has presented numerous “challenges” of late, ok?\u00a0 I placed “challenges” in “quotes” because there are some “people” who are getting on my “nerves” and I would love to “choke” them but I don’t want to go to “jail” just because the “kakaheads” are making me “crazy.”\u00a0 You “know” what I “mean??”<\/p>\n

Then we have “those people over there” who seem bell lent for heather to “drive me up a tree” and I don’t even have a seat belt for that tree or anything.\u00a0 No air bags neither.\u00a0 No smell phone to stick in my ear so I can drive like a zombie and crash into a giant salami.\u00a0 I mean hey, if someone is determined to “tree me up a drive,” the very least that person could do is provide air conditioning and a hybrid engine that gets well over 93 miles to a gallon of ice cream.<\/p>\n

Am I right or am I wrong??<\/p>\n

Of course I am!!<\/p>\n

I’m keenly aware that the only “solution” to letting someone “up me tree a drive” is to tune out their bullroni and strongly suggest that nasal cheese insertion be performed.\u00a0 The instructions would come in a format very much like this:<\/p>\n

“Hey you with the face!\u00a0 <\/i>Remember that one time when you decided to<\/em> wear your smell phone on your head to drive irreverently during thundersnow and big fat swollen dead raccoons??\u00a0 Are you in the want of pickled toilet paper?\u00a0 I am now urging you vehemently to cram large cheese globs in your nose to enhance your breathing!!\u00a0 And while you’re at it, why don’t you place your tongue in that electrical box over yonder??\u00a0 That box needs testing, and you’ve just the tongue to do it!”<\/i><\/p>\n

This, I am sure, is the only true way to diplomatically tell\u00a0 flame-headed wombats just how wonderful you feel about\u00a0 their actions.<\/p>\n

Don’t you agree??<\/p>\n

Of course I do!<\/p>\n

I was also very compressed at the driving ability of one total bark-eating numbskull just a few yargons ago while retrieving our grandsons for a nice weekend of “Lick The Thistles.”.\u00a0 There I was, careening down the expressway in my 2014 racing Toyota Sienna, and going the legal speed limit or even less, and some tonk-mookler decided to pass me with less than 2 millimeters clearance between his bumper and my front fender with no regard for the safety of any insects or other humans.\u00a0 I mean, this tampon-brain forced me into the evasive “holy cow” maneuver.\u00a0 Then of course he (or she??) proceeded to cut off numerous other innocent sidebanders while zipping in and out of traffic.\u00a0\u00a0 Now THAT’S intelligence, don’t ya think?\u00a0 Seedless to nay, I had a few opinions which instantly arose from my brain and out of my mouth as I flailed the steering wheel about while I tried to prevent the kersmooshing of automotive metal molecules and finely crafted petrochemicals.<\/p>\n

Now, believe me, I understand that people don’t intentionally do things TO me, they just DO THINGS.\u00a0 But sometimes I just let it get to me, and then I go find a bug and try to teach it to sing karaoke.\u00a0 And of course, trying to teach a bug to sing karaoke is not very considerate at all.\u00a0 I try to be tolerant of people who are less than wonderful…\u00a0\u00a0 I think I’m getting better at being nice these days; but while my eyes and mouth are being pleasantly neutral, my mind is screaming at the top of its lungs:<\/p>\n

“HOLY MACKEREL, WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BREATHE ON THIS PLANET??\u00a0 I’M BECOMING CONVINCED THAT YOU NEED TO EAT BARK AND POOP AT THE MOON!!”<\/p>\n

This is not very kind, so I’m very grateful that I don’t often react with nastiness to those type of folks.\u00a0 Anymore.\u00a0 Used to be I would actually SAY\u00a0 the things that my mouth wanted to spit, but then I’d have to apologize and offer expensive candy or something.\u00a0 Maybe that’s part of getting old enough to remember when the Beatles came over on the Mayflower, I dunno.\u00a0 But I DO know that stress is a very small pair of pajamas that seek dogfood in a jar of jellybeans.\u00a0 So the next time I get angry, please remind me that there really is a bus that has one way tickets to Indianapolis.\u00a0 I don’t really want to go there, but if I never run away again it will be the next time.<\/p>\n

I had an ice cream cone today.\u00a0 That was helpful. And in spite of the intense heat, most of this tasty treat went into my mouth.<\/p>\n

Speaking of stress… wasn’t I speaking of stress??\u00a0 I’m very grateful that I don’t work for a living anymore.\u00a0 But if I did, I’d certainly seek a job where the stress is zero minus 173 and you get paid for loafing. Bud Abbott and Lou Costello did a nice bit about just that very subject\u2026<\/p>\n