Hi Folks!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There is only one TRUE way to impress\nyour friends with warmth and love, and that is by sending the\nfollowing letter to all of them on a special day that neither of you\nwill remember. So, since this I am writing this “Happy Friday”\nto all of you, my dear, wonderful friends, please take a minute to be\nbathed in the loving thoughts in the letter that follows. AND, as an\nadded bonus, you can easily cut and paste it into your very own,\noriginal, plagiarized letter and send it to YOUR friends! No box\ntops or proof of purchase required!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
OK? Here we go…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
An Open Letter To The Best Friends I Have Never Known<\/p>\n\n\n\n
by Me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dear Snifflehead,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don’t think for even one minute that you can even for one moment even possibly have a chance to realize anything about the possible chances of knowing what I was thinking a moment ago. Give me a break already. You know what I mean, right? Of course you do, that’s why we’re friends!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It’s been nearly three days now, and that’s longer than what I had anticipated before the three days began. That was at least three days ago. Now it is three days hence, and it feels a lot like three days have gone by. It may seem redundant to you, but I don’t wish to repeat myself on the point of being guilty of saying the same thing over again. That would be redundant, as you may have detected, but I refuse to be accused of saying the same thing over again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Our friendship goes back as far as I can remember; but to be honest, I can’t remember who the heck you are or what you look like. All I know for certain is that you will soon be receiving small packages of soil in the mail. Consider it a token of appreciation for all the things you have never done for me. The soil you will soon enjoy will contain very small mites which will observe you while you go to the bathroom (they’ve been known to take notes). Please be aware that if you hear faint, high-pitched laughter in there while you are bathing, that is just those silly mites. They carry small video recorders; so don’t be surprised if your hiney is featured on “America’s Funniest Videos” in the years to come.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let’s make a point of having bark salad\nsometime at separate restaurants together. Then we can have a nice\ntelephone conversation with someone we REALLY like, and it would be\nmuch more meaningful than this garbage. You never contacted me in\nthe first place; so if you think I’m going to write another word\nabout this, I’m crazy. Take notes at the next sink-plunging session\nyou get involved in, and remind me to laugh at the resulting jelly\ndonuts you stepped in during the last Global Crybaby Kaka-Roach\nFestival.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Above all, quit following me. I can\nsmell you in my dreams. I know the model of automobile you have been\nrepairing lately. It is futile for you to hide from observation,\nthere is a satellite transponder in the kitchen with your name on it.\n What was your name again? Nevnex? Something like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the meantime, here are some friendly\nsuggestions you may memorize each day until you lose the list; at\nwhich time I will cease and desist from any further wild cabbage\ninfusions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jump loudly with bugs; they will appreciate the entertainment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Try not to eat too many crayons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you sneeze, grab your neighbor’s\nshirt sleeve quickly to avoid spreading snot globs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Always keep extra cheese in your spare\ntires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While shopping, yell \u201cHOOT NAH!!\u201d\nvery loudly at 10 second intervals while waiting in line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And finally, don’t forget to lose this\nlist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Your Anonymous Friend, \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Me<\/p>\n\n\n\n