{"id":1404,"date":"2019-12-14T00:05:27","date_gmt":"2019-12-14T05:05:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kakahead.com\/?p=1404"},"modified":"2019-12-14T00:05:27","modified_gmt":"2019-12-14T05:05:27","slug":"fruitcake-follies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/kakahead.com\/?p=1404","title":{"rendered":"Fruitcake Follies"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

It\u2019s late\noutside because my Beautiful Girlfriend and I were visiting a\nBeautiful Friend, and we definitely had some wonderful food. Too\nmuch food, actually. So there I was, stuffed to the gills and\ngetting home late, and I thought to myself, \u201cSelf,\u201d I thought\u2026\n\u201cWhat are you gonna write about for Frappy Hiday at this\n<\/strong><\/em>hour?? Anyway???\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, since the\nHolidays are upon us, I again thought to myself, \u201chow about a nice\nstory about fruitcake? Haven\u2019t had that delicacy in our home for\nawhile now, and I kinda miss it. Funny, but all these years I\nthought I was the only one in the house who craved the stuff; but lo\nand behold our daughter fessed up to loving fruitcake recently. So\nnow of course I\u2019m gonna have to go find some\u2026 if it\u2019s not all\ngone already. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyway\u2026 <\/strong><\/em>\nwithout further ado, here\u2019s my very late night story about: \nFRUITCAKE. You know, that sugar and fat laden seasonal delicacy. \nIt\u2019s often had a bad rap and has been the source of many a holiday\nstandup comedy schtick. I know it sounds like a deadly thing to\nsome, but I love that stuff. I simply can’t help myself, it’s so\ngooey and delicious… mmmmm, I just want to smear it all over my\neyebrows before I hop into bed so I can floof into dream land with\nvisions of sugar lumps. Or something like that…

Yes, I am\nliking the fruitcake. I use a chainsaw to cut it into 1 inch thick\npieces, and make nice shingles for my home. They are not only\ndecorative, but provide excellent insulation and have an added bonus\nof being bullet proof. Police peoples will probably be wearing vests\nmade of fruitcake in the near future.

There’s only one thing\nwrong with using fruitcake for bullet protection. Tests have proven\nit to be very effective, but nobody can ever find the bullet after\nshooting the cake. I have a theory that fruitcake is actually a\nliving organism, and when foreign objects get trapped inside, it\ndigests them and alters their appearance. So, although that 9 mm\nslug is probably in there, the fruitcake instantly disguises it as a\nmaraschino cherry.

Fruitcakes make nice lawn ornaments, and\nwhen dried for a week or two, can be painted to match your exterior\ndecor. They are also an excellent substitute for broken concrete to\nas a border for raised flowerbeds. Other uses are wheel chocks and\nboat anchors. Its uses are limited only by your imagination.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve heard that\npeople will spike a fruitcake with rum or some other type of\nalcoholic beverage to make special spongy holiday cheer. I’m allergic\nto spiked spongefruit. It makes me try to pull my pants off over my\nhead. Then I become compulsive about the stuff, and eat so much\nfruitcake that the room begins to spin. I’ve even said a few\nembarrassing things, like, “this is wonderful fruitcake. Will\nyou marry me? May I barf in your sugar bowl?” Then, I’d throw up\nand go for more fruitcake; and on the way home my allergic reaction\nwould be to break out in traffic violations. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Basically, I\nlearned the hard way that I simply shouldn’t go around drinking\nfruitcake anymore.

Of course, there is a very practical use\nfor spiked fruitcake: it makes a wonderful fire starting log. Be\ncareful though, because if the fire is not tended carefully it may\ncause an explosion. You’ll be picking fruit shrapnel out of your\nhiney and other delicate body areas. Another drawback is the effect\non birds flying past chimneys where fruit starting logs are being\nused. Birdies have been known to inhale spongespike fruit fumes,\ncausing them to:

a) fall straight to the ground

2) roll\naround laughing

r) go to bed with other birds’ mates, and

12)\nwake up in a strange home, complaining of a severe headache and\nnausea the next day.

Needless to say, none of these is very\ngood for the Holiday Spirit.

Fruitcake needs no spiking,\nreally, since it has enough sugar in it to sweeten 27 gallons of\nlemon juice. Since sugar is a very wonderful drug, it attracts me\nlike a moth to a flame. Even though I stick to the non-spiked\nfruitcake, I have to be careful not to overindulge. After all, I’ve\nnever yet been arrested for OUIF (Operating Under the Influence of\nFruitcake), and I don’t intend to get busted. I’m not sure what the\nlegal BFL (Blood Fruitcake Level) is, but someone is probably out\nthere watching for people who’ve had too much:

“Do you\nknow why I pulled you over, sir??”

“Not sure,\nofficer. I was a bit shaky on that turn, but I can assure you, I’m\nnot intoxicated.”


\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“How much\nfruitcake did you have this evening, sir?  That gut of yours\nseems to be impeding the steering wheel.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Honest,\nofficer, I only had two pieces. I was at a party, and, well, things\ngot a little out of hand.”

“But if you only had two\npieces, what do you mean about this party getting out of\nhand??”

“OK, officer. I took two more pieces for the\nroad. I tried to stop, but it was just so-o-o-o good,” I\nmurmured with glazed, squinty eyes.  “Got some of that\neggnog too.”

“Get out of the car, sir. Let me get my\ntape measure to check if that gut is legal. We don’t want Fathers\nAgainst Tub-o’-lards (F.A.T.) busting me down to corporal, now do\nwe?? I’m getting ready to retire, and I’m not gonna let a bozo like\nyou mess it up for me! And stand back, Mr. Sugarbreath! Zheesh, you\ngot some stinky sweetbreath there!” \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Pardon my\nfruit belch, officer. I’m really sorry.”

“OK,\nsmartypants, just don’t let it happen again. Let’s see… a guy your\nheight should have about a 36 inch waist… but your gut is 347\ninches!! Doesn’t that belt hurt??”

“Of course it\nhurts!! I mean…  ummm… officer, can’t you give me a break,\njust this once? I’ve never been arrested. How would I explain this\nto my wife and kids?”

“Well, it IS getting close to\nChristmas. But just to be safe, you better hand over the pieces you\nhaven’t crammed in your face yet. Besides, my bulletproof vest has a\nshingle coming loose.” \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Sure\nthing, officer. One of the cherries had a sort of metallic taste to\nit, anyhow. But I think it should repair that vest of yours pretty\nnicely.”

Whew, that was a close one. But hey, all’s well\nthat ends well. I didn’t get hauled in for OUIF. I made it home in\ntime for dinner, and “Mrs. Santa” was none the wiser, if\nyou know what I mean.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But just for good measure, I stopped at the convenience store and picked up some more fruitcake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Good thing it’s only once a year!! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n