Dear Person,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hope you are well, and that you and your pets (real or imaginary) are having great satisfaction with whatever it is you are doing during the wee hours of Yes Perhaps Maybe which of course began on Jangulary 34, 2017.7 under all those leaky sinks that have never been polished since that gigantic snowstorm we never had in our living room. Do you know what I mean??<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have absolutely no recollection of these things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, I am fully aware that we can rebuild America with goat inspection tools and fried bilge pumps. You of all people should know what I’m screaming about when I place my hand in the large pot of boiling Tootsie Roll bladder worms! Don’t try to give me that sheepish, innocent gumdrop gesture that I can neither see nor smell from here. I know full well what you’re up to, Mr. or Ms. Human Person!! Why can’t you just learn to yodel under water like all the normal giblet baskets?? Do you think you’re special or something (well, you are, whether you like it or not)?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Do you know who this is?? Do you know who you’re talking to??<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well I know exactly who it was. He was here with his pet vinegaroon, boldly going where no plant has grown before. You see, there are things that can be snipped into small bark flavored candy snacks, and there are other socket wrenches that simply don’t know how to spell \u201cboink.\u201d You simply have to be patient with the chocolate slide and jump off to Monico when you’ve discovered those silly Colorado M&Ms. You know the place… they have snot on the mountain tops.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As you enjoy this new and underwhelming decade of happiness, I must impart upon you my great knowledge; which I have spent many years of careful research and verbosity to inject. My great wisdom that I have learned (and for that matter, am still learning) from my many hours on this Planet We Call Zingletroan (PWCZ) is simply this, and I quote:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI don’t know anything.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I never did <\/strong><\/em>know anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But now I know <\/strong><\/em>I don’t know anything!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I quote this from my favorite Christmas movie \u201cScrooge,\u201d the one from 1951 starring Alistair Sim. I say it often, and when I go to \u201cthose meetings\u201d I proudly announce that in addition to being allergic to ethanol (makes me break out in traffic violations) I’m also trying to recover from Mr. Know It All Disease. My friends are all very slowly crawling away when they hear this, and they show their amplification by offering me large wads of crumpled potato skins in exchange for the contents of my wallet. Immediately following such a transaction, I gladly tell them how to reach an undesirable destination and also provide instructions on how they might occupy their time once they arrive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In closing, I would very much like to tell you all something that I am having difficulty outlining with very fat crayons. So I guess I just won’t say anything further; but I will indeed further my career as Chief Mustard Acrobat at the amazing clock factory I keep in my kitchen cabinets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sincerely (but not entirely) yours,<\/p>\n\n\n\n Melvin G. Yankpopper<\/p>\n\n\n\n a.k.a. \u201cPurplefoot Giggletoss\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n