A lost document (which should have remained lost)<\/p>\n
by Hyram C. Gilmore<\/p>\n
With the wisdom available to us at the present time, it\nhas been suggested to me that an explanation for our\nexistence on the planet is in order. After spending the last\n37 years researching this, I have made some true and amazing\nconclusions; which I would now like to force each living\nbeing to believe.\n\n For example, I recently became aware that if you leave\nyour underpants on long enough, they change color.\nAdditionally, continued wearing of underpants after this\ncolor change occurs may allow the garment to harbor\nunpleasant odors and crusty stuff. The only way to alleviate\nthis condition is to place the garment on a flat surface and\ncover it with birdseed. Take this outdoors. Laugh at the\nbirds for eating the kaka and weewee particles.\n\n I am also convinced that yellow things are really\nstupid. Every yellow thing I have spoken to just sits there\nwith that idiotic yellow way they have. Yesterday I told a\nballoon about how to change an alternator. The stupid thing\njust sat there, sitting there, being right there remaining at\nthe place where it was! O obscurity and pickled desk tops!\nIt's like they don't even WANT to communicate.\n\n As many of you know, we have been joined together at the\nelbows. Put one in your mouth and the other in your\ncarbon paper and rotate, as if anyone really cares. That\nshould give the neighbors something to sell shoes about. Of\ncourse, I knew all along that they would choose the wrong\ntoothbrush if left alone in a crowd. \n Documentation has proven that Hawaii has been included\nin the universe. You can find it under \"H\" in the new\nedition of Fronkle's Universal Inventory. Mr. Loofa Noodle\nis there, and has been named official Captain of the Battle\nDestroyer Flotation Device Cruise Ship Thing: \"Ono-Ahma-\nLiki\"; which regularly patrols the coast of Oopa-Oopa. He\nand his crew have been on the lookout for fiddler crabs and\ntheir pet hair dryers. It seems that when the local\nfishermen go out on the town, they catch crabs while\nfiddling; and the hair dryers cry for chicken pot pies.\n\n Perhaps the most interesting characteristic about the\nHawaiian Toe Jams is the unique geological constipation.\nLarge clouds of black dust hover over the natural beauty of\nthe native insecticide. Tourists from all over the world\nflock around with their chins in a little dress; and sing\nabout the time I puked all over the dog and he kicked my\nrosy red piano. Palm trees sway in the bathroom when pigs\nclimb to the top. It is truly a remarkable sight to be dismayed!\n\n Tropical customs are in full view of retarded garden\ntools. Hula dancers wear the traditional grass shirts which\ncome in plaid or velvet. They burn well and are organized\naccording to battery or solar powder. Each dance tells a\nstory just exactly like this:\n------------------------------------------------------------\n Long ago in Grandfather's beard, a small squid died and\nstunk for days. All the village Elders offered him fire to\ndrink and hid his remote control. Little children crawled up\nto see him and chewed off his toes. His own family sent for\nthe Magic Bowl. They filled it with bird runch and mixed in\npork, crayon shavings and geek fat. The ceremony began with\nthe first three episodes of \"Gilligan's Island\"; and when\nGrandfather started lusting for Mrs. Howell they fed him the\nModongo. Very soon Grandfather blortled and fipped. He\nasked \"What kind of bird runch are you feeding me today?\nAnyhow?\" His family laughed at the snackwonder: \"OH! AH!\nHOO!\", they bribbled. And that is how this Island got its\nname. \n------------------------------------------------------------\n\n Now, I'm sure you are wondering about the food one\nencounters in this area of the planet. Well, being the\nexpert you are, let's hear about it! Don't tell me I have to\neat those dirt things again! You served those last time, and\nthey made my cats run for president! I'll never be ashamed\nof my feelings about the time I stuck my hand in that bag of\njello and chicken lips you gave me!\n\n Last time I was never there, I'm sure I ordered shrimp\non the halfshell. The cook was in the garage, busily peeling\nthe breadsticks; when suddenly an overwhelming radio cracked\nhis head three feet long. The waiter took photographs of\ndead bugs in the air conditioner; but we all knew he sang\ngreat songs of urination. You see, when you finally learn to\naccept that the world is merely a fig in a bucket of lard;\neverything else shines dimly through rose colored sandbags.\nThis can surely cause religious brethren to noisily teach their\nchildren \"The Great Spoon Dance.\" A glazed look falls upon\nthe fat silver necklace camouflage device. With little or no\nwarning, little pajama people excrete a slimy trail of\nreally neat toys which are easy to squeeze and maintain.\n\n Many people have been sticking pens up their noses and\ntelling me stories. At first, I thought they were all uncles\nof mine; but some of them were not women. A common bind\nbetween all these folks is that they each have had some sort\nof crazy requirement in their past. The majority of them\nused fish for volleyballs; especially when Duane the Root\nSeller was nearby. Others simply wanted their name in print\nso they could ring in the New Year with giant fleas. Jumbo\nshrimp. Military intelligence. Government efficiency.\nOOOOOOO! TELL THAT OXY-MORON TO GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME!\n\n So as you all can see, the truth in this description of\nlife, the universe, and everything is all that it should be.\nIf you ever find yourself groping for answers for one of\nlife's weird stinking disgusting ridiculous and maybe unknown\nsomething of what I just said; it probably was the wrong\nnumber. Refer to this document often, and you should begin\nto hallucinate gladly. The Universal Truth Fairy will reveal\nitself to you; and teach you how to make the best doggoned\nmacaroni and cheese in the whole world.\n\n Always remember to worship the little rocks in your\ndriveway. This will change nothing in your spiritual life;\nbut it will make you feel better about squishing their little\nfaces every time you go for a drive. Remember that\neverything has feelings. If you have neglected to wish your\ntoilet \"Happy Birthday\", now would be a good time to begin.\nYou'll also begin to discover who your real friends are.\n\n Many who have discovered the \"Righteous Path of Really\nTrue Enlightment Obtained Only From This Here Doo-Dad\" are\nselling their nose hairs. They have finally come to realize\nthat our solar system is really a small pile of dried flies\nwaiting for a ride on the bus. Never would I suggest that\nthe reader adopt this as the only truth known. However, if\nyouse jerks doubt anything that has been written here, I will\nhire professional laughter addicts to come to your spider's\nfuneral.\n\n After all, EVERYONE knows that wiggling a blue car seat\nin front of surgical instruments causes trees to vomit! My\nfingernails are actually flashlights which send encrypted\nmessages to Wognord of the Skoldern Galaxy, Sector 23vx! You\ncan pick green radishes and they will still be red. Snails\ninvented rock 'n roll. Cantaloupes will replace ball\nbearings in the New World order. ALL THESE THINGS ARE IN\nPRINT RIGHT HERE, SO THEY MUST BE TRUE!!\n\n If you don't believe, shame yourself daily and call me\nin the morning. I'll be right here, waiting for those purple\ncornstalks to sing me another song. Until then, Peace, Love,\nDove and Harry Kirshner. May cat barf cling to your enemies.\nTell Mom I forgot to wipe by accident again. Slip sideways\nthrough the deep canyons of Life; and remember that it's\nbetter to be you than for you to be me, and although you can \ncount to it, eight<\/strong><\/em> is a word. Finally, I leave you a small yodel\nthat only Randall the Moisture Merchant can abbreviate:\n\nGIVE TRUTH AND HAPPINESS TO ALL YOU MEET, THEY MIGHT LIKE IT.\n<\/pre>\n