Well folks, we’ve gone and done it. We went High-Tech!! That’s right… we’ve stepped out of the 70’s and all the way into the 2000’s!! Well not completely… we still still enjoy some of the very old technical things. For example, I have this totally cool Grundig 960 up here in my office. Well, actually it’s a replica; but I love it. It’s one of those old fashioned AM / FM / Shortwave radio thingies with a dial that lights up and everything!!

Oh… and not to forget the recordings. LPs, cassette tapes, CDs… oh and for your viewing pleasure we have many selections on VHS and, yes, DVD. No Blue Ray yet though. And yes, I have equipment that will play all these things.

We still get much of our TV from an antenna. I mean really, who needs more than 34 channels?? Well OK since we got our Roku we can get some TV off the internet and get GOBS of channels; and somewhere along the line my Honey Pie even got addicted to Netflix. Truth be told, there’s probably way too much TV available at our house.

Some of these programs are highly addictive. Compared to some folks, we don’t really watch all that much TV; especially during the warmer months. Heck, in the middle of June we get a smidge over 15 hours of daylight here in Beautiful West Michigan. Who wants to be sittin’ in front of the idiot box when it’s nice outside?? But fall is here, and the days are quickly growing shorter; which puts us into a kind of hibernation mode. Our Aunt Joyce got us hooked on shows like NCIS when she was still with us… and we’ve become total junkies. My Beautiful Girlfriend got hooked on Once Upon A Time, and this year it is on at the same time as one of my favorites, The Simpsons.

What to do??

Until very recently we would tape one show while watching the other. This meant using the TV (of course), the VCR, the surround sound, and the digital tuner, because the TV output was not compatible with the surround sound. Four devices. Four remotes. Oy yoy yoy. We also got fancy a couple years ago and bought a Panasonic flat screen TV for the bedroom. Panasonic TV, meet Panasonic VCR. Same brand, two separate remotes. However: I was trying to tape Gotham the other day, and thought I had it all set. I had the tape machine all programmed and off we went to a friend’s house. Came back, hoping to watch Gotham and… nothing. Didn’t work. Why? BECAUSE THE TWO REMOTES AFFECT BOTH DEVICES!! So, you think it’s all set to go, then you nuke all your taping stuff unwittingly with the other remote.

Is that cool or what??

Sure, we have successfully recorded shows on glorious VHS, but as most of you out there in Technology Land know, magnetic tape kinda sucks when it comes to video quality. So yes, boys and girls, we took the plunge. We bought us a DVR!! Yay!! And because it has two tuners (yes, we’re still using the antenna), it will record two different shows at the same time!! Wow!! And it even has prehistoric RCA jacks so I can hook up my Paleozoic surround sound to its outputs!! Fantastic!! And it also has some cockamamie dealy called HDMI so I only need one cable going to our TV!! Holy Moly!! Oops I lied… the TV gets 3 cables: antenna, HDMI, and power. Oh well, you get the idea.

In case you’re curious about our Brand New, High Tech Dinosaur Machine; here’s a the model number with a link included. Click on the Magnavox MDR867H to see what it is. Had some fun finding a DVR that didn’t require a subscription of some sort. Had even more fun finding one that would connect to all my prehistoric electronics. I’m not a fan of Walmart, but they had it in stock and shipped it quickly.

The moral of this silly rant is that the High-Tech Dinosaurs are not the electronic toys we have at our house. Rather, we are the High-Tech Dinosaurs; and we’re not afraid to admit it. My Beautiful Girlfriend upgraded from a flip phone to a brand new, used iPhone 4s.  Works great. I work in IT, so you’d think I’d know better; but I made the mistake of taking my iPhone 6s for a walk in Lake Michigan. They don’t like that so good. However, an employee was leaving the company so I was able to snag their very reliable iPhone 5s before it was sent back to the home office. I’ll probably keep it till it dies or until I retire; whichever comes first. As far as our home electronic stuff, I try to spend a little more on quality so it lasts. Consequently, I have a 13 year old computer, and I think my stereo in the living room is approaching 20 years old. Both still work just fine. The home entertainment stuff in our bedroom is more in the realm of 9 years old… so that’s still young yet.

As for the VCRs… and yes, we will still have at least one that works in the house; hey, fuhgettaboutit awreddy!!

Perhaps we could get Betty Boop to drum up some cool inventions for our household amusement…

So there I was, minding my own business, 10,000 feet in the air, no plane, no parachute… oh wait, no, I wasn’t there; but I WAS in the garden and I almost cried and rolled on the ground when I noticed that the wind had knocked over some of my corn stalks; but no big deal, right, because we had some very big storms recently and the corn was OK it just needed to be stood up again and that went well but holy cow the next day I got so exasperated that I started this Happy Friday thing with a really long run-on sentence complete with sentence fragments because…

THE STINKIN’ RACCOONS GOT INTO MY POPCORN!!!! RARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

Well I can’t prove it was raccoons, but it sure looked that way, because somebody knocked over the stalks and was a-munchin’ on the ears. And this is not just regular corn mind you. Nooo!! It’s popcorn, and I even helped it have sex and everything!! Say huh?? Yes, boys and girls, I pollinated the corn by hand to make really sure it took. I usually only grow one row of corn; which doesn’t lend itself to thorough pollination without some help. That means that during “pollen season,” when the tassels are flowering, I need to make really sure some pollen reaches the silk on the cobs; otherwise the cobs won’t be full of kernels when the corn matures.

Since local yokels provide us with lots and LOTS of delicious sweet corn, I’ve decided to specialize in growing heirloom popcorn. It’s really pretty, multicolored stuff that resembles the so-called “Indian corn” that folks like to hang up for decorations. And the flavor, oh my… it really is true that there’s nothing like home grown food. I usually end up with about 10 pounds of corn each year; not too bad for a single row.

Needless to say, I was NOT happy when the stinkin’ coons got into my corn!! My son in law helped me put in a fence some years ago; which was a response to both deer and raccoons in the garden. Worked very well until this year when the popcorn bandits apparently scaled the fence and went in a-stealin’. So! Being the kind person I am, I went and doused each plant with some cayenne pepper. I was hoping that if they came back they’d get a nice snoot full and that would make them go a-runnin’ for some nostril relief in the creek or something.

No good. They came back and had more munching fun.

Next step: a live trap. Off I went to the local Farm and Home store and bought me a trap. The nice lady at the counter listened to my laments, and suggested some dog food for bait. So I got me a couple nice cans of dog food. I put half a can of dog food in a little plastic dish, then set the trap outside the garden; thinking I would catch the coon on its way to the corn patch. Raccoons are nocturnal critters, so I set the trap out just after sundown; with the intent of checking it before bed time.

I’m a bit of a night owl, so I took my trusty MagLite flashlight and focused the beam on the trap from my vantage point on our deck. Lo and behold, I saw the reflection of two shiny eyes looking back at me. However, I thought I also saw two fur colors: black and white. It didn’t look like a skunk… seemed too big. Regardless; I approached with caution.

When I got a little closer it was obvious I had caught neither coon nor skunk; but rather a very large kitty cat. As I got within range of the trap I scolded the captive, “You get outta there!! You’re not supposed to be in there!! I’m tryin’ to catch a raccoon!!” I lifted the door and I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a cat move so quickly.

Although there was dog food in the dish, the kitty apparently wolfed it down; because there was very little left. We live in a semi-rural area so it was no surprise that a stray would come visit for a free meal. This one must be pretty good at finding food though, because he was a big feller. And no, I didn’t check to make sure it was a boy… but seemed like it.

I washed out the dish, baited the trap again and this time set it inside the garden. My garden fence may not be raccoon proof; but I’m pretty sure it’s kitty proof. Got up kind of early this morning to check the trap… nothing. Freshened up the bait again for tonight and I’ll be checking again before beddy bye. If I catch one tonight, we’ll be going for a little ride. We have this nice river just south of us, I’ll just drive it across the river and set it free. I’m thinking it’s not likely it will cross the river to get back to our house.

OK. So if you happen to run across any raccoons with popcorn eatin’ grins on their faces, please let me know.

I have a bone to pick with them.

Maybe I should get Pluto to help out… or maybe not.

We did it again, another summer time concert that was simply amazing. Quite the powerhouse of performers: Alice Cooper, Joe Perry, and some guy named Johnny Depp. They were accompanied by some other fine musicians but you can do your own research on all that if you don’t mind, OK yes please thank you very much you’re welcome.

We were on vacation. Again. In Aurora Illinois!! That’s like a whole different city AND state!! One thing my Beautiful Girlfriend and I have always loved to do together is go to concerts. Usually rock concerts but not always. Anyway two years ago we saw what was left of The Turtles and some other friends of theirs who were on their “Happy Together Tour.” Those kids are still touring, by the way. I would strongly suggest you attend if that’s your kind of thing.

This was at the Paramount Theater in Aurora, Illinois you see; and since I bought the tickets online we now get e-mails for ever event they have over there. Well, when it’s a concert, it captures my interest pretty much immediately. I saw the ad for the Hollywood Vampires and had to do a double-take because I never heard of them. Once I got informed and told my Honey Pie about who these Hollywood Vampires were, I asked her if she’d like to go. She looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes all a-twinkle and said, “Oh yeah!!”

So there we were, taking off for a long weekend. The concert was Thursday night, and the weather looked an awful lot like it was going to make us sad because thunderstorms were in the forecast but we were bringing ponchos and so we were hoping it would be OK because the tickets said “rain or shine” and we don’t shine very well when it’s raining but oh who cares it’s supposed to be 90 degrees outside so it will be warm water and we’ve done that before!

Before the show, we accidentally stopped for a planned meal at Giordano’s in Oswego and got some of that fine Chicago style stuffed pizza: a super veggie with sausage added. We got a medium for $28 and got 3 meals out of it!! Once at the restaurant, some more after the concert, and one more time on the way home.

After our first belly full of pizza, we got settled in at the Holiday Inn Express in Aurora for a nice summer’s nap. I mention the hotel by name for 12 reasons:

A) it was within walking distance of River Edge Park, where the concert was being held and

7!) The hotel was simply awesome. Very comfortable, newly remodeled, and excellent breakfast spread in the morning.

But enough of commercials!!

So we started to cry and roll on the floor when we woke up… the rain was falling and so were our spirits. We called the concert weather line and the nice automated voice man said the concert was still going on as scheduled. Thankfully, the skies cleared up nicely just in time; and we had a most awesome evening.

Long story longer, these Vampires did NOT suck at all, they were truly awesome. They played many songs in honor of rockers who died way too early; and also of course a couple of songs by people who weren’t dead yet (Alice Cooper, for example). One of our favorite concerts ever, because they played many songs we grew up with, and did a very nice job.

So this week’s video is a peek at these Vampires. Peace, Love, and Rock ‘n Roll to you all!!

What do Todd Rundgren, Steve Lukather (from Toto), Greg Rolie (from Santana), Richard Page (Mr. Mister), and Gregg Bissonette have in common? They are all current members of Ringo Starr’s All Starr Band. And who cares about this?

WE DO!!

We’re old rockers, you see. Yes, we do have a rocker in our home and it’s a very nice chair; but that’s not the kind of rocking I’m talkin’ about here, you dig? Most everyone has heard of Ringo Starr of course. And many know who Todd Rundgren is. But to be honest I was pretty ignorant about the other guys. We’d seen Ringo and his All Starr Band back in 2003 with our kids and son in law. A great show… but the band has evolved into something very special. Not that it wasn’t special in 2003 mind you, but when we got our tickets for the show we saw last night in Detroit we had no idea what was in store for us.

You see, each “Star” performs some of their famous stuff. From what I’ve read, one of Ringo’s criteria for a band member is that they have to have at least 3 hit records. But additionally, they have to be willing to learn each others’ hits so they can rock the house.

And they did. It was simply amazing. An awesome treat in an awesome venue, the Fox Theater in Detroit. What wasn’t so amazing was getting there. It was only about a 3 hour drive from our house, but we stopped at our hotel in Canton first. I’m an old school driver guy… I go to Google Maps and print the route ahead of time. Then I study it, and commit most of it to memory. Works pretty well… so far. Just in case, I keep a very old reference book in the car at all times: a Rand McNally Road Atlas. Remember those? Well if you do, you’re probably old like me. And if you actually know how to read a map; well… you’re probably old like me (appears to be a dying skill these days).

Finally I also have my built-in GPS in the brand new, 2001 Chrysler Towne & Country Mini Van Thing. Yep, I can look up and it tells me whether I’m going north, south, east, or west. Even says fancy stuff like SE and NW!! Stuff like that there. Yes, I know… it’s not what most people would call a GPS. But as a dear friend of mine pointed out many moons ago, “it’s a General Pointing System!!”

Anyway. there we were, leaving the hotel, heading to 275 South. It’s part of the printed route you see. Only one problem: 275 South is closed for construction. Ah Michigan… two seasons: winter, and construction. OK… well my Beautiful Girlfriend used to live in the Detroit area. We’ve visited several times, and know basic things… like if you go too far east you’ll hit Canada. Stuff like that.

So we pull out the Road Atlas and use the GPS to get on our way. Working pretty well until we hit that horrible bane of all commuters: traffic jams. Yes not just one traffic jam. Many. Well OK maybe it was all one big traffic jam; I just don’t know. All I know is Thank God I know how to drive in cities although it makes me a bit jangly inside and my face grimaces with big harumph and OH YOU STINKER YOU TRIED TO REMOVE MY BUMPER and jeez lady don’t straddle the stinkin’ dividing line and what the HECK is this person passing me when there’s no more road there OH MY GOD we’re lost OK stop and ask directions OK thank you nice man here we go again OH POOP IT’S ONE WAY we have to cross the freeway and come around THANK YOU NICE OHIO PERSON FOR LETTING US IN LINE TO GET INTO THE PARKING PLACE wow that was a horrible thing for gentle people like us!!

Whew.

Once we got to the Fox Garage, it was just a short walk to the theater. Beautiful weather, beautiful people, beautiful music.

Simply beautiful… and OH MY you really must check out the theater. The following video doesn’t do it justice, but you get an idea. Oh, and I threw in a little David Bowie video just for the traffic happiness.

Peace and Love to you All!!

So here’s the Fox Theater:

And the title of this song describes some of our driving fun:

Dear Friends,

I am on vacation, and you are not. Unless of course you are. On vacation. Are you? I am. And I’m enjoying every minute of it. Please pass the Lemon Flavored Soil Testing Kit while I rake these flavor crystals into a small, gently seasoned skillet full of fresh asparagus, mushrooms, peppers, and Dondo Frijole Jumping Beans.

See there?? That’s what happens when you work for a very long time, and then vacation comes. Well OK maybe not. But if I remember correctly, vacation is a time for escaping reality, at least to some extent. Reality is this: I like to eat food, and I also enjoy living in a home with electricity that powers various things I use to enhance my tender hair follicles and skin cells. Therefore, these conditions (among others) require money, and that means I need to go to work.

Not sure about you folks, but I work because:

A) I’m too proud to be a bum and

9Z6) I’m too chicken to be a criminal.

So I must work for my money. However, I have earned vacation so I am taking two whole days in conjunction with the Memorial Day weekend. Do the math: that means I get 16 days off in a row!! What?? No??? 5…? OK… 5.   5 days off in a row!!

I feel sad for those who feel compelled to do work stuff while on vacation. I almost always do not… although this time I actually followed some e-mail stuff and did a little “coordinating from the remote position” to help things along. That was yesterday. Today, I peeked at my work e-mail briefly, then put the iPhone down and ran away screaming. Or maybe I just put the iPhone down. OK I picked it up several times later; but no more e-mail peeking. It’s just not healthy to let my mind be consumed with work all the time. So I don’t allow that. I’m pretty good at maintaining strong boundaries that separate work from home.

A friend of mine just shared on BookFace that she has not had a day off since May 3^rd. That seems illegal to me. Dunno about youse kids, but if I had a job like that it wouldn’t be for much longer.

My mission this weekend (5 DAYS!!!) is to get the rest of the garden planted. I had my plants (transplants) in the ground already, so now it’s time for the seeds. Takes some preparation; which of course is time consuming. But the rewards are very great. We not only get wonderful food, but it is also very good for my spirit. And speaking of the spirit, I’m very happy to announce that I’m definitely in vacation mode now. I know this because I forgot what day it was today.

Success!!

This vacation is for staying home. Very few plans. Plant da garden. Be with my Honey Pie. Maybe catch a movie. Just not sure; and that’s OK.

So, I hope you are also on vacation. If not, well nyaa nyaa na boo boo to the likes of YOU!! Ha ha!!

Yours with 3 more days,

Kenny “Am I Retired Yet?” Compostflinger

Please everyone, have a safe and enjoyable Memorial Day weekend.  And if you get out on the road, please do your best to avoid Motor Mania.

I remember adults saying things like “kids these days… whaddya gonna do??” when we were growing up. Well I guess now it’s our turn. Most of it, at least in our family, is pretty fun really. For example, watching our oldest grandson experience his first baseball game. He’s all of 7 years old, so of course he’s a very early beginner in Little League. The coaches were great and very patient. They placed emphasis on playing and learning; no pressure, just fun. Some of the parents we sat near, however, were a different story. Not many, mind you, but there are inevitably a couple who voice disappointment when their 1^st grader is not quickly grasping the path of becoming a professional ball player.

We had no expectations; which was very good because Ollie was not really sure what to do when on the field. Coaches operate a slow pitch machine that’s pretty consistent with getting the ball to the batter. While the coach runs the machine, one of the boys is stationed on the pitcher’s mound. Well, while Ollie was on the mound, the ball came very near him a few times and he just kinda watched it roll around. So we’d yell instructions but I’m not so sure those were really audible to him. There seems to be some sort of shield that protects young players from hearing the shouts of eager loved ones. Probably a good thing!

During the game, our other grandson Gabe, who is all of 3, was of course bored out of his mind. He kept wondering aloud why he couldn’t go out on the field with his brother and the other boys. We tried to explain several times, but the only statement that seemed to sink in was, “you’re not allowed. But that’s OK because we’re not allowed either!!” “Oh…., “ he said with a puzzled look; and played about in the sand behind the backstop. After a half hour or so Gabe sat next to me and looked up, paused for a minute, and said, “Papa, you have hair in your nose!!” “Yes I do,” I replied. “Everyone has it. You have it too but Papa’s nose hairs are easier to see.” Then he asked quizzically, “what’s that for??” “To keep the bugs out!!” I exclaimed. He wrinkled his eyebrows a bit but appeared to accept that one.

The game continued for a little while longer, but they had a formula worked out: 5 strikes at bat, 5 innings, and a maximum of a hour and a half of play. Afterward we had a nice meal and headed for home.

When the work week came, my Beautiful Girlfriend and I were on the phone about our prospective tenant who is interested in renting part of the duplex my Aunt Joyce left behind for us. The new renter sent me a text saying, “well you might be jelly but I found some morel mushrooms!!” My reply was, “ruh??” She went on to say that her 12 year old son uses “jelly” as slang for “jealous.” I quickly found myself outdated, just like I thought the adults were when we were kids. “Doesn’t anyone use English anymore?” was one of my first thoughts. Is that like, Squaresville or what, Daddy-O?? You dig?

This duplex is a blessing and a curse; because although our son lives on one side, we need to have a tenant on the other to pay for taxes, insurance, and et cetera. It’s a nice duplex, really: 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths on each side. Somehow my Beautiful Girlfriend and I got onto the subject of toilets, and the total number we own. She pointed out that the full count was 6: two at our house, and 4 at the duplex. As soon as she was done talking, I blurted out, “holy cow!! We’re a 6-toilet family!!”

Gave us both a much needed belly laugh.

None of the previous scribblings are interrelated; so because of that, the moral of this story should be this: If you get jelly in your nose hairs, don’t bug me; just choose one of the 6 toilets and blow.

Or something.

Speaking of kids… gotta love ’em!! There was a show on TV when we were kids. A man named Art Linkletter interviewed kids and found out that Kids Say The Darnedest Things. Life was a great deal simpler then; because I was… A KID!!

Hi, my name is Ken and I’m a vidiot. Maybe. I dunno. But tell you what, my Beautiful Girlfriend and I sure have been doing some binge watching lately. It seems there’s this new (old) HBO series called “Game Of Thrones;” and we were just recently sucked straight into it.

It’s a total cliffhanger series that, in my warped mind, warrants a nice run-on sentence because it has lots of lords and ladies and kings and queens and swashbuckling and stabbing and naked people doing naked things and explosions and dragons and all kinds of cool things that probably could never happen but the shows sure make it seem like they’re real even though you know they’re not but HOLY MACKEREL they’ve been forcing us to go to the video store multiple times so we can support our local merchant!!

NOT for kids!!

If you’ve ever read this silly blog thing of mine, you may know that when it comes to TV, my Lovely Bride and I were “cord cutters” way before it was cool. In other words, we’ve always been too doggoned cheap to get cable or satellite TV. Our antenna system has always provided us with plenty of good reception, so we saw no need to subscribe to a service. Good thing too… my suspicions have been verified: if we actually paid for TV we’d watch way too much of it. We’d rationalize it all by saying to ourselves, “we gotta get our money’s worth.”

Game of Thrones has proven this to be all too true. There are two episodes per disk, with 5 disks per season. There are 5 seasons on disk so far; the previous 4 came in sets of 5 disks; now the latest has to be rented one at a time. We just finished disk #2. Each disk has just short of 2 hours worth of program material. So the sequence goes thusly: we pop in the disk, and what feels like 12 minutes later both episodes are done!! At this point we both utter a large, simultaneous groan, “AWWWW MAAannn!!!” Then it’s back to the video store the next day. It’s still way cheaper for us to rent these than it would be to pay for cable or satellite TV.

Then you have that other nasty, wicked, wonderful series on the History Channel: Vikings. Now that one is even more insidious because we can watch it for free on our Roku. For those who don’t know, a Roku is a cool device that grabs content off the interwebs and spits it out on your TV. Sure, Vikings comes with a few ads, but because we’ve had free TV for many moons we’re pretty accustomed to that monkey business. And again, we start the “unlocked episode,” and 13 minutes later (add a minute because of the ads) we’re crying “AWWWW MAAannn!!!” That is, of course after I’ve said, “poor Floki” about 18 times during the show.

That one is ALSO not for kids. Not as much nakedness, although it’s definitely implied. Lots of clunking and stabbing and arrows in the nostrils and stuff though. You know, the cool stuff boys like. Well, maybe girls too, because my Beautiful Girlfriend is right there with me when it’s on. Although unspoken, we both know full well it’s basically a crime for either of us to watch Vikings or Game of Thrones without the other.

Yes, I confess, I’m a vidiot. Sometimes… not all the time. I don’t care about sports; and yes I know that’s un-American but I don’t care. So there, nyaa nyaa na boo boo. Several of my friends tell me they must have cable to get their sports. But I hear what their bills are for a month and I’m very grateful this cliffhanger clingonitis we’ve developed has not evolved in a pay TV subscription… yet. No. I must be strong!! Antennas rule!! Long live the video store!! Long live the dinosaurs and cavemen like me!!

Garden season is coming. The TV will basically gather dust until late fall. Sure, we’ll still watch a few things but not like right now. I guess I could try to blame it on my Lovely Wife for being homebound due to her knee replacement surgery and forcing me (yeah, right) to sit with her through all these godawful programs.

Or, I could thank her!!

We’ve been watching much more than normal lately but we’ll try not to be like this lady…

My Beautiful Girlfriend is now a Bionic Woman with a Brand New Knee. Of course, the New Knee to which I’m referring is her Lower Knee, not her Hiney. Her New Knee, after all Need Not Be Capitalized; but this was a Pretty Big Event at Our House so I just thought I’d use Capital Letters indiscriminately to Point This Out.

My poor baby has had a bad knee for some time now… and finally decided that she’d been hobbling in pain for more than long enough. Her cartilage slowly wore away to the point where there was nothing left as a cushion at all. She braved cortisone shots for a couple years; and those did help for some time. But she was told there would come a time when the shots coupled with pain medication would not be enough.

“I always told the doctor he could have my knee when I’m 60,” she’d say when the pain became excessive.

She’s 61 now, and got her wish not quite two weeks ago. Her New Knee did not come without some ouchy stuff though. It’s a pretty big deal… this knee replacement surgery. I told friends that it must have been pretty gross (and weird) to be in the operating room, watching the surgery. I envisioned the doctor running a nice, shiny Husqvarna chainsaw, spraying bloodly, fleshy sawdust all over the place as he went in to cut the old out to make room for the new. Maybe it doesn’t quite happen that way, but I’m sure that it would have been way more than anything I would like to have seen.

God bless the folks that do that stuff. I mean, I can respond when there’s an emergency and do the right thing; but if I were called upon to assist while someone was getting cut open, I’d pass out in a little less than 12 nanoseconds. Fortunately for us, one of the best knee surgeons in this area did the job, and there were no complications… well except pain of course. Amazing though it may be, knee replacement surgery is no cake walk. No, they don’t even want you stepping on cake!! I’m very glad of that because I’ve never really enjoyed cake with footprints in it.

On her first day home, it was slow going; so I greased the floor with cooking oil so she could slide about with ease. I also put together a rather interesting apparatus for helping her get into bed. It involves large stones, ropes and pulleys. When you pull the large lever, the cat screams while the launching platform lifts her out of her walker and into the air. If all goes well, the shock bladders inflate quickly and she is sloowwwwly lowered into the basement. From there it’s just a simple matter of throwing the soiled laundry down the chute to cushion her non-skid slippers into the variable shaker linkage.

She’ll thank me for all of this sometime in the future I’m sure.

Just to prove I can be a Good House Helper and a Nurse, I’ve been cooking some of our pillow cases with low fat mango peelings while setting up her medications according to the phase of the moon and the color of the snow behind the garden shed. I hope to brighten up her day a bit when I slip some pureed asparagus into her oatmeal, but the next few meals will be much less mainstream. Cream of watermelon soup, eggs on a stick, and buttered newspaper with Chicken Bone Surprise will all be on the menu for tomorrow and the rest of the weekend for that matter.

I must say, though, that without the kindness of friends this journey would be much more difficult. We are very fortunate indeed. We remind each other that this New Knee business is temporary… better days lie ahead. Loved ones who are near and dear to our hearts are plagued with much more serious matters.

Perhaps I should go be a House Help Nurse for them too!!

Or not.

As far as I know, these guys were NOT involved in any of the procedure…

Valentine’s Day is on the horizon, and believe it or not, I’m ready for it. That became fairly easy some years ago. All I have to do really is get a card; and of course some flowers. My Beautiful Girlfriend and I stopped buying Valentine’s Day presents some years ago. The primary reason for that was we got to a point where we had plenty of stuff. In fact, I have stuff strewn all over my office that I suspect may be having babies. Seems like I cleaned this up like only a year ago; yet the stuff seems to be multiplying somehow. All kinds of pens, a battery, a little tiny tape measure, a bigger tape measure, an eraser (an eraser??) miscellaneous receipts from bills, envelopes, oy yoy yoy yoy yoy.

So anyway, here I am, typing amongst all the stuff; being grateful that my Lovely Honey Pie will not add to the pile because we changed the Valentine’s Day Gift Policy (VDGP), and also being grateful that I’ve learned through many Crowded Flower Shop Years (CFSY) that if you’re silly enough to buy your sweetie some flowers the day before (or even worse, the day OF) Valentine’s Day, you must prepare to wait in line for many minutes and then try to pick out a nice bouquet of flowers out of a gaggle of containers filled with blooms that have been fondled to oblivion by other guys scrambling to meet the deadline; and this may be one of my longest run-on sentences I’ve written in a very long time but I don’t care because I went on WEDNESDAY to get flowers and ha ha on all of youse because I scored some really nice blossoms and I didn’t have to wait or nutting so nyaa nyaa na boo boo on the likes of YOUSE BOYS!!

Yes!! And I got the card a week ago!! So there!! And a little surprise too!! So there again!!!

I’ll show youse…

This Valentine’s Day will be followed by a rather historic event for our family though: my Beautiful Girlfriend is getting knee replacement surgery. Pretty scary stuff, no matter how many people who’ve been there and done that tell you “oh she’s gonna love it.” We’re doing our best to prevent negative thoughts from ricocheting around in our noggins. Has us both a little nervous though. Her especially. But the poor baby has had a knee that’s been bone-on-bone for some time now and it’s been increasingly painful for her to get around.

Don’t know about you, but when something like major surgery comes into our lives we seek comfort and counsel from friends and family. We’re both blessed with people who love us and are willing to share their experience, strength, and hope with us and yet listen to our apprehensions. Because I work in a factory, I’m also blessed with a number of work friends with whom I can talk. And, being the silly boy that I am, I usually sprinkle a little humor into the stress venting:

“I’ll be gone all next week,” I told a friend at work.

“Oh? Going south?” he asked.

“Well, yeah kinda… my wife is getting a new knee on Monday and the surgery will happen south of us a little ways. I’m staying home with her for the first week after the surgery.”

“Oh, OK,” he said with a smile.

“Yeah,” I continued, “she’s getting her low knee replaced; not her hiney.”

“OK…” was the response with gradually lowering intonation. “Never heard of anyone getting a hiney replaced.” And of course both of us chuckled a bit.

Friends have rallied in support already; lending us a walker, cane, a recliner, and other stuff to help her on her way to recovery. We are very fortunate people.

So when my baby asked “whatchya gonna write about tonight?” I let the cat out of the bag and said, “your low knee and your hiney.”

And that’s all the information on her hiney that anybody’s gonna get!!

Fortunately, our my Honey’s surgeon has an impeccable reputation. Not, I hope, like this strange physician…