Category Archives: Happy Friday!!!

Daylight Craving Time

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“What to write for tonight?” he wondered (OK, he is actually me). There’s a war going on, a nasty one too. But I doubt anyone wants to hear about that on Happy Friday!!! I’m praying all war everywhere would just plain quit but I don’t think that’s gonna happen. And yes I know prices on pretty much everything are rather nuts right now, but all I can say about all that is this reminder to all my friends: We are spoiled Americans. We live in a safe place and a free country (so far). “So again,” he wondered, “whatchya gonna write tonight??”

“I know!!” he (OK it’s really me again) exclaimed, “I’ll whine about the loss of an hour of sleep when we change the clock again!!”

So here’s how happy I am about the clock change. Some of you may remember a similar version of this rant from a few years ago. I apologize for not producing something fresh and twinkly, but my heart really hurts right now for the people who are being killed at all the horrible warring regions of the globe..

Anyway, here’s my whining:

Daylight Craving Time – Spring Ahead

Here we go again. An hour of sleep lost in honor of “springing ahead” into Daylight Savings Time. I thought about writing some cockamamie jab at the history of Daylight Saving Time, but after about 430 milliseconds of extensive research I’ve learned there are so many convolutions and wonkulary wibbledy-poof that I ran away screaming. If you’re really interested in that stuff, Snopes has a pretty good page that describes it all in a nice little nutshell, here:

http://www.snopes.com/science/daylight.asp.

Any who how, even though our biological clocks get their springs and gears all wompified, most of my friends here in Beautiful West Michigan are very OK with the concept of Daylight Saving Time during the summer. I mean, who wouldn’t enjoy having daylight till 10:30 PM? Days are already getting longer, and the birds are playing their electric guitars while squirrels, possums, and racketycoons jump up and down to the beat. Deer are looking at us with that “What??” face while they munch on our muddy snow melted lawns. Starlings and grackles will soon be ready to empty the bird feeders pretty much as quickly as we can fill them. And yep, pretty soon the peepers will be peeping and the thunder will be thundering.

Oh wait… we already had some thunderboomers. Let’s hear it for climate change!!

So listen, awright?? I’m really sick up and fed with this time changing monkey business. It really seems quite unnecessary, don’t you think? Let’s spring ahead just once and frickin’ leave it that way!! This is the way of my wanting, and I hereby proclaim its necessity!! I mean, do I need to reiterate how spoiled we are here in Beautiful West Michigan during the summer?!?! Summer, after all, is my favorite time of year; and we get very long days. I really love being in the garden until it’s too dark to see; and as I mentioned earlier that’s almost 10:30 PM here during part of the warm months.

I try to remind myself of being spoiled, because I’ve experienced the other end of the toaster handle. When I was a kid growing up on Long Island, it was dark outside not too long after we got home from school. In those days, our local fire department touched off a siren every day at precisely 7 PM. Now, when you’re a little kid who has to be heading home “when the 7 o’clock whistle blows,” you still can have lots of fun with hide-and-seek because it’s dark outside at about 5 PM. We’d eat supper, go outside and play, and have gobs of fun running around “at night.” So in that regard, falling back to Standard Time was kinda fun.

I’m a couple days older now, and because I’m a senior citizen I hereby reserve the right to once again whine about the fact that I’m not really a fan of changing the clocks at all. I’m very OK with living on the far western edge of the Eastern Time Zone, so we can squeeze every last minute of daylight out of the setting sun. Arizona and Hawaii don’t observe all this saving time nonsense. I’d be OK with that, so long as we keep Daylight Saving Time.

Please write to my congressman and woman to make this happen. I’ll give you $3.40 up front for an incentive, and I’ll even bake you an Apple Surprise pie (Surprise!! I put raisins in there too!!). If you can get this done before Sunday, I’ll even make you an Apple Surprise Surprise pie (Raisins and walnuts!!) !!

Well, it’s time for me to quit writing about time now. There was a time though, back in 1973 when I had a very nice time, listening to these guys. All I could say then (and all I can say now), was WOW!!

No News Can Be Good News

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I’ve always been a bit of a news junkie. Been that way ever since I can remember really… I even remember when Berlin Wall was being built. I was the ripe old age of 6 at the time. Unfortunately, most of the news we see in the media is not very pleasant these days. Maybe it never was. Regardless, I think I’ve been paying a little too much attention and it’s starting to hurt me. There really is lots of very good news in this world, but sadly not nearly enough of it is reported in the mainstream media.

Therefore I’ve decided not to focus so much on what needs to be changed in the world, but rather try to focus on what needs to be changed in me. Specifically, I may (or may not) try to distract myself by squirting copious amounts spicy brown mustard into my nostrils every time I get the urge to watch the news. There’s actually a clinical name for this method; which I just made up. Yes my friends, I’ve named it “No News Mustard Nose.” This is not to be confused with The Beatles’ song “Mean Mr. Mustard,” although I really do enjoy that tune. However, when my nostrils are full of mustard I simply do not feel very musical.

In order to further my journey into serenity and good mental health; I’m also doing my best not to indulge in negativity. Perhaps I could achieve this by loudly blowing bubbles in a glass of chocolate milk every time someone wants to utter sounds of prejudice, racism, or misogyny (to name a few). I could even try using a straw!! This could be enhanced by humming loudly into the straw; and thereby making some very musical bubbling action. If the negative yammering continues, I could take a quick break from the bubbling and loudly proclaim, “My Musical Milk Makes Me Most Merry!!” And of course I would resume with the brightly bubbly ballad; only much louder.

I’ve heard that some folks find happiness by purchasing things. Well I already have too much stuff; but perhaps I could go shopping for such luxury items as chocolate covered herring fillets; or maybe some nonexplosive macaroni and cheese for a change. I’ve always disliked macaroni explosions. Takes weeks to get the stuff out of the crooks and nannies of my kitchen. Of course I could instead try to find something useful like a solar powered paper clip dispenser; or there’s always that right handed / left handed (for those who are ambivalent) matching set of metric screwdrivers I’ve never wanted. Maybe I won’t go shopping at all, but rather treat myself and wonderful partner to an elegant dinner of Fish Head Surprise with Mama Baloopa’s Banana Gravy. Oh and let’s not forget the famous Cinnamon Raisin Eggplant Pie Ala Mode for dessert!! I hear it’s the latest thing in the suburbs of Sasquatch, New Yingleton.

My friends, I decided to make silly tonight due to the continuation of how horribly we humans treat each other and our Mother (Nature). I’m very aware that there’s very little over which I can exert any control, so I will simply do the best I can to treat people and all other living things with kindness and love. I’ll continue to wing up prayers for those who are suffering, and I’ll continue to pray for our planet and all its creatures and plants. We’re all in this together after all. Perhaps there will come a time when humanity can really make love and not war. Being the idealist that I am, I’ll continue to cling to the hope that we can (eventually??) learn from history rather than continuously repeat it.

Until then, if you’re at my house when the news comes on, just look the other way when the mustard starts to flow; and maybe plug your ears when I reach for the chocolate milk and my straw. Then stick around for the Fish Head Eggplant Pie Ala Mode!! It’s um… well it’s really pretty disgusting.

On the other hand, perhaps the next few videos can help you have very silly diversions…

Every 212.35 Days

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So there I was, minding my own business, wondering what I should write about for this week’s Happy Friday!!! thing, when suddenly, I remembered that holy cow, last Friday was the 13th, and I should find something to write about that, and I’m not sure why I’m using bold italics but here it is happening until I tell the computer to STOP IT AWREDDY!! Whew!! So then I had a thought in my head bone: “Friday the 13th – remember – it’s full of bad luck so try not to be superstitious!” so I said “Thank you” to my head bone because I was wondering what to write about tonight and now I know so there!

Just for the halibut, I used The Google Thing (TGT) to find out how often Friday the 13th happens. Well that took me to The Wikipedia Thing (TWT), which says “On average, there is a Friday the 13th once every 212.35 days, whereas Thursday the 13th occurs only once every 213.59 days.” We get one at least once a year, but it can happen as many as 3 times in a year.

Isn’t that special?

There was a period of my life when I was convinced Friday the 13th came much more often. You know that old saying: “If it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all.” I’m hoping that doesn’t apply to me. Back in “The Before Times” I was certain my luck really stunk; but I gradually discovered that all the “bad luck” was really a set of consequences that I inflicted upon myself due to some rather poor choices.

Nowadays I consider myself extremely fortunate. Of course, I’m trying to make better decisions. It has been especially helpful to shed my youthful follies that involved too many intoxicants; my affinity for which helped me rationalize all too many actions that were very unacceptable and too often very unkind. I don’t think I really left adolescence until I was 35 years old. After much pain and suffering (again, self inflicted) I actually got to a point where I wanted to grow up. I’m still trying to learn better behaviors… to stay teachable. I try to be kind to everyone I meet, and I’m getting better at being kind to myself.

Although I didn’t really expect it, as I reminisce about Friday the 13th it got me thinking about all this stuff. As I said, I really am very fortunate. I can very much agree with what a friend of mine often says: “90 percent of the world would love to have the problems I have.”

Well my friends, it’s winter again in Beautiful West Michigan. For those of you who escape to Florida around this time of year, please smell my toes as you understand that it’s 31 degrees and falling with lots of wind and some snow. I hope you’re happy!!! But seriously, I really am grateful for the turn of the seasons here in Michigan Land. Speaking of gratitude, now it’s time for me to say bye-bye while I plop some videos of a couple songs that have helped me “get better luck” over the years. They help me remember that it’s never too late to start all over again. Even if I have to do it multiple times a day.

Which I do from time to time… and it’s very HELPful.

Maus In Da Haus… Again!!

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Do not be afraid, but the title is pronounced “Mouse in da house.” This does not mean that I have rodents running around in my home. No, it refers to a delicious comfort food that I’ve shared on this silly blog thing from time to time. It’s really quite a nourishing and wonderfully satisfying mixture of mashed potatoes, barley, kale, and onions. I know I’ve written about this before but I don’t care because it’s still winter and this is a fabulous winter dish and besides it gave me the excuse to throw in a run-on sentence which is not terribly long but I’m pretty sure it qualifies as being run-on because it keeps going on and on and OK now it’s time to quit with the too long sentence awreddy.

Our dear friend Ruthie will be coming over in a week or so and is very much looking forward to enjoying this delicacy with us. And since I like to be different, this year’s Maus will be blue. Well more accurately grey with a touch of blue. It can’t be helped, you see… I grew Adirondack Blue potatoes; and they are blue inside and out! Not sure, but I have a feeling Mrs. Spoelma might get a kick out of blue Maus.

Mrs. Who Now??

God bless Mrs. Spoelma (pronounced “SPOOLma”), the “Hollander” (Michigan term for Dutch) lady who lived next door to us when we first moved to Muskegon. She and her husband were often outside in the yard, and we’d have many a conversation across the fence. That was 50 years ago (wow!!), and one couldn’t ask for nicer neighbors.

When our daughter came into the world, she started bringing us food. Most often, she brought an odd mashed potato dish we’d never had before. “This is Maus,” she said when she brought over the first batch. “It’s an old family recipe: mashed potatoes, kale, and barley. Oh and a little bit of onion, too.” It was simply wonderful. Perfect food for a couple of tree huggers with a brand new baby. Free food is always pretty doggoned perfect if you ask me; especially when it’s delicious. “Maus” is not merely wonderful as a side dish for meat and another vegetable, maybe even some gravy. It’s also especially yummy the following day, reheated with an over easy egg or two on top. MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

When I first wrote about Maus a few years ago I scoured the web for a recipe that resembled this remarkable dish. No such luck. After many variations of the words potato, mashed, kale, barley, and Dutch, I found several interesting cooking ideas but nothing that resembled what our dear Mrs. Spoelma made. After a little trial and error, I think I’ve been able to replicate the flavor pretty closely.

Because it’s so doggoned yummy, I feel it’s my duty to share the basics with you. I love to cook but I rarely follow any recipe exactly. Maus is no exception; but without further ado here is a rudimentary description. Try this and alter the quantities of barley, kale, and onions to your liking next time.

Maus: Delicious Mashed Potatoes, Kale, Barley and Onion

Ingredients:

Potatoes : enough to fill a 6 quart pot a bit more than halfway when diced

Barley: ½ cup hulled barley (pearled barley is OK but not as nutritious as hulled)

Kale: 3 – 4 tightly packed cups, chopped

Onions: one large onion or 4 or 5 small onions, diced

½ stick of salted butter

½ cup of milk

salt to taste

Potatoes (I don’t peel them), barley, and kale will be cooked in separate pots.

Add more than enough water to the barley to cover, at least 2 inches higher than the barley. Boil the barley until tender, then drain, cover and set aside.

Add 1 cup water to the kale, and cover. Bring to boil, remove from heat after 2 or 3 minutes boiling. Toss the onions in with the kale and cover again, let that sit for about 5 minutes. The heat will cook the onions just enough. Drain, then set aside.

Wash and dice enough potatoes to fill a 6 quart pot a bit more than half way (we leave the skins on). Fill with water till the potatoes are barely covered, and boil until tender, drain. Add butter and mash, adding milk and a dash or so of salt along the way. When the potatoes are creamy, add barley, kale and onions to the potatoes and mush together until mixed thoroughly. OK, you’re done! Now, don’t just stand there, it’s time to eat!!

By the way, this has nothing to do with Mouseketeers…

So Sick Of Corporate Ick

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I’m pretty sick up and fed with all these gigantic corporations who care very much about the bottom line and very little about the likes of us. It’s really getting ridiculous… so much influence on the kind of shows we watch, what kind of news we see, hear or read. Reminds me of “the good old days” when I was working. Our department got some pretty sad news one day. Jobs that currently belonged to nine of my work friends would be outsourced beginning the following year. Wasn’t really a surprise to me. After working in the corporate universe for nearly 40 years; I had acquired a feel for such things. The sad result, of course, was the disruption my friends would experience. And I, being a caring kind of guy, felt very badly for them. Call me idealistic, but in my professional opinion, it never has to be this way. Corporations can make their money and still make employees feel valued. With rare exception though, this is not the way of the corporate world.

But what do I know??

At least my friends got a couple months notice. That could be considered kind, I suppose. I’m sure there was a cost savings to the company to have an outside service replace these employees. In the process, the Upper Crust always seemed to make sure their pockets were nicely lined with large bonuses. Of course, this wasn’t unique to our company, it’s become common all over the world. Importance of profits far outweigh any concern for the employees’ well being. If it weren’t for labor unions, all underlings would be treated even worse than they are now.

Reminds me of the Dr. Seuss book, “The Lorax.” The character called the Once-ler is confronted about the damages done by the rampant growth of his business. His company’s fortune thrives on materials taken from Truffula trees, which also happen to be the primary food source for creatures called the Bar-ba-loots. As the Truffula trees are over harvested, the Bar-ba-loots begin to starve, and suffer from “Crummies in tummies.”

The Once-ler’s response: “…business is business! And business must grow, regardless of Crummies in Tummies you know.”

Business is business… ain’t that the truth??

Of course, those of us whose necks missed the chopping block couldn’t help but wonder who was next. Nobody loves these kinds of changes, including me. However, my life experiences gave me tools to be a little better at keeping the negative fire storms out of my head. Being annoyed and sad is already uncomfortable enough. My magnifying mind can, if let loose, really run with all this and build a grudge that becomes harmful to me and those around me. I’m truly grateful to have learned that if I allow anger and resentment to fester in my heart, I’m basically poisoning myself. Being livid about things over which I have no control is about as effective as eating a poison pill and expecting someone else to die.

Of course my work friends and I tossed various scenarios about and when I pondered out loud about if (or more likely when) it would be my turn; they offered suggestions like finding an IT head hunter or maybe doing computer consulting work. Bless them… they were concerned for me. When they were done I mentioned that I’d been a slave to technology for over 40 years. I thanked them warmly and let them know in no uncertain terms that I was really ready to do something a little different. I would have been just fine to do something that may pay less but will feed my soul. Perhaps somewhere like Goodwill, and help those less fortunate than me become a bit more self-sufficient. Possibilities are only limited by how open my mind will be.

Thankfully I was able to retire before my particular job was outsourced (which it was). As my retirement grew near, I decided to show them guys (the corporate big shots)!! I continued to work at the job and just tried to be happy!! I bet they never saw that coming!! Well OK they didn’t care… but I did my darnedest to avoid dipping into the poison pot about corporate dysfunction. After all, the only thing I had any control over is how I reacted to all these “wonderful” things that were changing at the workplace.

Even today, (maybe especially today) when my serenity alarm goes off, I need to remind myself to run through my “gratitude list.” I am healthy and I have the love of an amazing woman. Both of us know what it’s like to lose a spouse after many years of a good marriage. I’m convinced those God People (whoever they are) helped us find each other. On top of that, I have cars that work, a nice home, plenty to eat. I have loving relationships with our offspring, relatives and friends. Life really is very, very good.

No poison pill for me thanks. We all have the right to be happy, and I’ve been taught the only way to achieve that is to take care of myself.  I need to make gratitude my attitude.  I need to say “thank you” to The People Upstairs (you know, those God People) regularly.  Sometimes it takes a bit of work to pull it off, but life is much more peaceful when I succeed. Who am I fooling… I need to work at staying calm and grateful pretty much every day, and that’s very OK with me.

Can you tell I’m practicing?

OK.  Time for a chuckle… I did some hunting and found this gem by Monty Python.  A good way to poke fun at the corporate universe and its absurdity!  But again, that’s just my professional opinion…


Spring Really IS Coming

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Been a lot of whining around these here Beautiful West Michigan parts lately. Folks have been crying and rolling on the floor, thrashing their feet about and all such nonsense. “When’s it gonna warm up?!?!?! I’m sick up and FED with all this cold and snowy weather!! I can hardly wait to start mowin’ my lawn awreddy for cryin’ out loud!!! WAHHH WAAAHHH WAAAAAAHHHH! “

Crybaby kaka-roaches…

Holy moly I haven’t thought about that in a long time… when we was kids in Noo Yawk we’d sing to the whiny babies:

Crybaby kaka-roach!

Wash your face in gravy!

Wrap it up in bubble gum

And sell it to the Navy!!

Made absolutely no sense, but when we were very young it seemed to have a nice ring to it. Oh, and don’t forget the “Nyaa nyaa na boo boo!!” for good measure!!  Anyway, to all youse whiny kids out there who are all upset that spring is taking so long, I have a news flash for you: too much warm too early makes badness with the crops!! Sheesh!!

That was technical talk, by the way…

If you’re old like me, you surely remember that winter came in around Thanksgiving and stayed icy cold until the end of March or so. Then the weather would gradually warm up and ease into summer. A few years back, unfortunately, we had several 80 degree days in March, which is simply not natural. Not for these parts anyhow.

Consequently, all the fruit trees woke up and said, “Huh?? Time to make babies?? OK!!” And of course they bloomed way too early. Usually we get enough fruit here to ship out to the world and still have enough to stash in various cold storage facilities. But that year, the inevitable frost came with a vengeance and nuked much of West Michigan’s fruit crops. That caused me to become an “apple snob.” I’d rather be sad and miss my Michigan apples than buy from far away. Now I know the farmers in other parts of the country have to make their money, but there’s simply no comparison to the quality of locally grown fruit. I confess that I’ve resorted to buying some Washington (state) apples some years ago. They looked and felt nice, and were crunchy and juicy. Nice, yes? Ummm… well… this apple snob is don’t liking them so good. They remind me of crunchy, juicy water globes with a subtle apple aftertaste somewhere in the dingle weeds of taste bud world. Takes some effort in the later parts of winter, but I still try to buy Michigan apples.

Good Lord willin’, we’ll have a spring that will be kind to the fruit trees this year. I am always eagerly awaiting the newly picked, simply amazing flavor of local fruits. There’s a cornucopia of yummies we spoiled Michiganders get to enjoy each year. All youse naysayers can bark all you want, but in my professional opinion, climate change is very real. A lot can happen between now and the traditional frost sensitive planting date of Memorial Day. Let’s hope things stay on track.

Fear not, before we know it the spring peepers will be peeping. A sure sign of spring. Then the grass will be clovering and the dandelions will be dandelioning. And yes, we’ll get snow, and then it will be gone, and then it will come back, and then it will melt again; and that’s gonna happen for the rest of our living lives here in Beautiful West Michigan so unfortunately we’ll just have to get used to it whether or not we enjoy writing run-on sentences that keep going past their expiration date, but at least they don’t smell bad or get gooey and mess on the carpet.

Thank you.

How’s about a nice springtime cartoon or two??

Yes, have some.

The Cows That Migrated To Mars

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Several billion years ago (or so it seems) it became tradition that when our grandsons visit, I’d ask for their input to write a silly story for “Happy Friday!!!” One day I asked Ollie, “What should I write about tonight?” “The cows who migrated to Mars,” he replied. So here’s what came out of my fingers to the keyboard:

Once upon ago, there were two cows named Ursula and Henry. Well OK, Henry was actually a bull, but once you get done reading this story you’ll probably think it was just a bunch of bull anyway. Anyway, Ursula and Henry grew tired of farm life and decided to seek adventure in distant lands. This all started one night when they were in the barn, talking about their day.

“Yep, I ate a few bushels of grass today,” Henry said. “Had some clover in it… not too bad I guess.”

Ursula chimed in, “Well I was totally annoyed when I was grazing in the northeast corner. I took a big bite from a yummy patch of rye grass and got mobbed by grasshoppers!! They just hopped right into my mouth!! I swallowed 8 of them before I could say ‘ptooey!!’ “

Henry tried to comfort Ursula. “Well, I wanna take you on a vacation so both of us can get a little change of scenery,” he said. “Sounds good!!” Ursula replied. “But let’s go somewhere different for a change. I’m tired of just going to the lower 40 acres of the farm.” Henry looked outside the barn window at a glowing heavenly object. “You see that really bright star?” he asked Ursula. “That’s not a star at all,” he continued. “That’s Mars. Let’s go to Mars!!” Ursula said, “and just how do you propose we get there??” Henry answered, “I’ll build a transporter!! I’ve seen them on TV… you just push some buttons and you disappear… then reappear somewhere else!!”

Ursula was skeptical, to say the least. But then she remembered when Henry made those cool water balloons using nothing but 5 pounds of bubble gum and some baking powder. She decided that since Henry was her boyfriend, she’d support him no matter what; and she gave him that reassuring wink and a nuzzle and off he went into his workshop behind the barn.

For several nights, after long days in the pasture, Henry could be heard working diligently. Clanging, grinding, hammering, sawing… even some Public Radio shows being played in the background. Then one night there was a loud CLAP!! while the lights all went dim; followed instantly with a gleeful shout from Henry. “Holy COW!! It works!!” Ursula heard his yell and shouted back, “hey buddy, watch your language!!” Henry wasn’t even embarrassed; but came to get Ursula for a demonstration.

“Are you sure about this??” Ursula pleaded. “Don’t worry,” Henry urged. “Just step on that little platform and I’ll join you when I get the coordinates programmed into the computer.” Ursula reluctantly complied, and watched intently as Henry twirled knobs and tapped the keyboards. Then he said, “OK!!” and scampered onto the platform where Ursula was waiting. Suddenly, their bodies began to vaporize and vanished from sight.

Within a few milliseconds, Ursula and Henry were standing in the middle of a small town they had never seen before. Both had heard there was life on Mars, but neither of them expected things to look very similar to their own home town. There was a Mars National Bank, and even a flying saucer parked near the road!! “Wow, Henry!! This is way cool!! Who would have imagined that life on Mars was so much like that on Earth??!!” Ursula bellowed (hey, she is a cow, after all). “I know, right??” said Henry. “Hey!!” he continued, “that Martian looks a lot like a human!! Let’s go ask him what part of Mars this is!!”

“Excuse me,” Henry blurted, “can you tell us what part of Mars this is??”

The human “Martian” answered, “Ummm OK… a talking bull!! Well sonny, you’re in Mars, Pennsylvania.” Henry didn’t know what to say. He gave Ursula a rather embarrassed look, then turned back to the human “Martian” and could only muster one word.

“Oh.”

Actually, their journey was exactly like the one Gumby enjoyed, only completely different.

Random Silliness

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Well, I did a horrible thing several days in a row. I watched the news. I also listened to it on the NPR. Then I read my e-mails and got more yukka baroo from the interwebs. I think maybe my cranium might explode, so I will get the skulldrill out of my hatchet bag and click the trigger until the fuzzy pocket linings slide backwards into the snowbank.

I have no intention to apologize, therefore, regarding the following nonsense letter that I dedicate to each of you while I send your pets to their favorite grocery store.

Dear Pasta Snarfers,

Some or none of you may enjoy pasta snarfing, but regardless, I felt it was time to inject some laugh time into my (and hopefully your) day due to the crazy goings-on we are seeing on the radio and hearing on TV; and although you may not be aware of it, all that gives me the ability to insert a time-honored run-on sentence-with hyphens-that don’t-really belong-where I’m-putting them-but I-really-don’t-care because hey, it’s just-for-the-fun of it, ya know??

Please be advised that I will rent you some chocolate ear mite remover if you vow to stop wearing socks for 134 days. Nobody says any other removal tool will have any effect on plant life in Nairobi. Nobody can convince me of any other software in these times of uncertainty and battered hamster hocks. I don’t know who Nobody is, but I hope they’re happy!!

If you don’t want to focus on all the yuckity-poo news screamings, please remain calm and toast your noodles for an inexpensive treat, gently throw spoons to the dog, and use a dust mop for cleaning those hard-to-reach nasal passages. Personally, I really need to quit stuffing donuts in my ears. But they are so soft!!

At least 47 times I wanted to make music, but all I had was a bent kazoo and a drum made of an oatmeal container. The only song I could play was “Doot Doot Bonk.” However, during my years of practicing that broken oboe I was never able to find, I envisioned a small pepper clown foraging in the wilderness. Not sure what the pepper clown was seeking but I know from a complete lack of experience that hidden in the leaf piles there may be invisible ink with which to write secret recipes. I hope there are also returnable bottles available for spare change!! This would give a happy pepper clown great enjoyments of candy and other immune system sanitizers.

Looks like I’ll need to stop eating drywall chips. I thought they would help my tummy’s rancid reflux, but now my hiney seems to think it wants to be a building contractor. After the disintegrating drywall diarrhea disturbance, please come over to our house and enjoy some dust muffins we made several weeks ago. We’ll wash them down with a nice hot cup of Crampers Cream of Toenail Soup, giggle heartily, and run wildly to the nearest sink or other unsuspecting receptacle. We’ll have fun!!

Some of the finest cheeses are kept in my sock drawer. This serves two purposes: A) they are aging nicely and 12) they are giving my socks that “nicely worn” fragrance. Some of the best cheese I’ve ever eaten was not found between my toes. However, if I could learn to play guitar with my feet I could invite my musician friends to a Toe Jam.

Perhaps a poem should be inserted at this point…

Gravy
by Me
Gravy in my armpits, syrup on my knees.
Buckets full of macaroni hanging from the trees.
Images of all these things will stick inside my head.
Hope I have a different dream when I go back to bed.

Please remember: You’ll never get anywhere in this life if you don’t go where you are trying to go. If you are already on your way, please stop at the nearest Caffeine Kaboom and tell everyone I said howdy. Also, please get me one of those fizzy cookies.

Thank you.

As you all know, the Holiday Season is upon us. Whether you celebrate by tossing old potatoes into your loved ones’ sock drawers or merely dance delightfully in the department stores, please have a safe and happy Whatever It Is You Celebrate.

I wanna celebrate with Grampy!

Of Utmost Importance: My Holiday Requirements for 2025

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Dear Beautiful Everyone,

In keeping with my very own tradition which I have started all by myself on this blog thing; I’d like to ring in the shiny new 2025 Holiday Season with a reminder to you all that the time has once again arrived again once more, yet again and it’s like here already; even though I’ve truly overused the workd “again” in this run-on silly sentence that really only needed to again remind you that this is the time of year with the Ho Ho Ho and the Randolph the Rude Nosed Rain Deer and Frosty the Snotman and of course the Commercials and the Holiday Flatulence Delays during my cat’s friend’s Tree Lighting Matrimony.

In other words, Happy Holiday Season to All Of You, Wherever You Are. And yes, that Right noW I Know I Am capitalizinG words InCoRrEctly but I simplY do that FoR thE fUn of it.

Sew Their.

As many of you may know, it’s around this time that I deliver my Holiday Requirements List For All Humans To Embrace Fully And Without Question. Sure, I’m an old hippie who grew up during the ’60s and have often been dismayed by what seems to be worldwide greed and disparity. However, in my own case of being completely silly and with the full intent of sending a smile or two; I hereby place into print the items I require as gifts for this year.

Actually, I don’t need anything. I’ve been blessed beyond measure with a nice home, and a beautiful family who are both near and far. However: Please note, that although I’m very grateful for everything I have and (for the most part) everyone I know; I still need more stuff and I want you to go get it for me now or perhaps yesterday or the day before. OK? I mean hey, I don’t wanna get nasty or nuttin’ wit you. Just get da stuff like I ask fer it.

Got it?

Good!!

So without delay, here is MY LIST OF HOLIDAY REQUIREMENTS FOR 2025:

A*) Please get 3 of the 17 Liter containers of Uncle Zelnish’s Concrete Polish. I’ve been buffing our sidewalk and driveway for quite some time now and can’t seem to get them shiny.

4n) I need another 7 lbs. of Marvel Mystery Raisin Skin Kaboom. It’s an awesome addition to sauces and also pretty darn good for tire repair. I used every last ounce I had last year, and now I can’t for the life of my find my flashlight or my Swiss Army knife.

c12) For my reading enjoyment, I’ll need an autographed copy of “How To Tell Your Best Friend’s Friend They Have A Booger,” by Dr. Hamilton “Sheila“ Snorkhammer.

x9) I’ve always needed some toenail growth regulators. I really dislike clipping my toenails, especially the ones on the Big Toe. I think there are research quality toenail toasters out there that inhibit fleas. Maybe those will work.

7!) Wow, remember those Zagnut candy bars we used to get when we were kids? I found out those are REALLY GOOD with coffee!! They have them at Cracker Barrel!! Don’t buy me any of those. Instead, just follow me around for a year or so and buy my meal when I go to Cracker Barrel. OK? Yes, and take care of the tip too if you don’t mind. I usually tip on a scale of 133 cents for every dollar spent on the meal; especially when someone else is footing the bill. Please don’t forget that part. That’s fine, thank you.

And finally…

V3) If you call ahead I’ll be very OK with you coming over and cooking up some fried chicken. Holy Moly I love that stuff. Sure, you could cheat and say you are cooking and then drop some Meijer and / or Plumbs fried chicken into a hot pan when I’m not looking. In my professional opinion, Meijer and Plumbs make some of the Best Fried Chicken In The West Michigan Universe. If you accidentally brought some over; this would cause me to salivate profusely and I might even invite you to stay and help me eat it. Maybe.

In the meantime, please tell your friends and family you love them. Or at the very least, show them you love them. You can do that with a smile, a hug, or by simply being kind. Be nice to a stranger. Sing out loud for happy. If you can’t sing, try whistling. Or something. Something good. Be willing to show whoever you may see that in spite of all the bad we hear about the world, there really is quite a lot of good stuff going on.

There really is you know.

Peace and Love to You All.

In case you were wondering, this is how all the stuff gets put together and prepared for delivery.

Happy Thanksgiving!! Oh, And As The Frogs Say…

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I was at the grocery store the other day and saw that turkeys were on sale for 32 cents a pound. Holey Moly!! I can’t believe the holidays are zooming in already!! Wasn’t it September just a few days ago?? The older I get, the quicker the days / months / years seem to pass. A former boss of mine explained this to us years ago with a very wise (and funny) expression: “As the frogs say, time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Soon I’ll be slaving over the turkey / hot dog / cottage cheese casserole… and of course the obligatory mac and cheese laced with pepperoni and pickled beets. Maybe some cream corn with pickled asparagus casserole… you know, the kind with the crunchy onions on top. Oh, and not to forget a couple cans of cranberry sauce stacked up in the middle of the platter to create an elegant presentation. Some folks even take the cranberry sauce OUT of the can!! Then the dessert trays: all those Twinkies to unwrap and place “just so” on the pizza platter… And OH!! Not to forget the Hostess Sno-Balls and Moon Pies. Kool-Aid in fancy plastic cups… you know, the see through kind. A feast fit for a champion cow pie flinger!

HUH?? Oh wait, maybe that was the dream I had after all those liverwurst, bacon, and salami sandwiches. Nothing like a few thousand grams of sodium nitrite to make a nicely hallucinogenic “free movie” dream.

Anywhooo…

Things have changed over the years… our daughter, son-in-law and grandsons will probably spend Thanksgiving with our son-in-law’s side of the family. Doesn’t matter, because we all get together on the Sunday after Thanksgiving when I make our traditional meal with all the trimmings. Believe it or not, I love cooking all that stuff. I do the whole shebang: turkey (duh), bread stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, veggies, pie. All homemade except the pie crusts. I’m just too lazy for that pie crust monkey business. My pumpkin pie is usually made from hubbard squash. Pumpkins are OK I guess, but hubbard squash has much more flavor… almost like sweet potatoes. Pie will be topped with real whipped cream sweetened with local honey. After stuffing our faces we’ll decorate the Christmas tree.

The ritual of preparing all the stuff gives me lots of time to reflect. Starting around Hallowe’en, my Beautiful Girlfriend Wife Person would be cranking the Christmas music. I didn’t mind it; but I’ve always preferred quiet (or maybe some classical music) when I’m “in the zone.” Cook, reflect… cook, reflect. And now that I’m “getting up there,” in my seventies… I of course have many, many memories. My family had lots of loss over the years. One of the most difficult to endure: this will be the second Thanksgiving since my Beautiful Wife left for the Great Beyond a year and a half ago.

For the past several years we’ve had the good fortune of spending Thanksgiving at our dear friend Ruthie’s. Holy Moly that girl can cook. Of course; there are two who will be missing from Ruthie’s Turkey Day: My Beautiful Honey Pie and our dear friend Lew (Ruthie’s hubby).We all miss both of them terribly. However, we can still smile as we enjoy Brussels sprouts made specially in Lew’s honor. Back then, Thanksgiving happened at our house or Lew and Ruthie’s. The last year Lew was still here, it was my year to cook. Lew noticed I was making Brussels sprouts for dinner, and when I asked whether he liked them, and he emphatically used an expletive to describe his feelings: “F*%$ NO!!” We all had a very good laugh over that proclamation. Lew’s passing shifted the traditional meal to Ruthie’s house. Lew has been gone 17 years now (I can hear those frogs talking); and every year Ruthie makes the honorary dish named FN Brussels Sprouts. The initials FN were used to shield the youngsters (who are not so young now) from the profanity.

In spite of the challenges I’ve faced over the past 18 months, I mostly want to say that I’m a very fortunate human. So long as I keep that thought foremost in my brain, life is really very good. I get annoyed at all the commercial hoopla this time of year. However, I’m getting much better at practicing the principle: “accept the things I cannot change.” I do my part in contributing to the family gift pile, but more importantly Thanksgiving kicks off a string of “gratitude days” for me. The holidays have a way of digging up memories of days long gone; and I get pretty mushy this time of year.

I really am blessed beyond measure. Earlier this year, God (whoever they are) put an amazing woman in my life. We both know what a long, happy marriage is, and we both know what the loss of a spouse from such a union is all about. To top it off, before we met in person we both made really sure we had lots of things in common. Couldn’t ask for a better person to share life with through the twilight years! On top of all that, I’m loving retirement, I have a warm, safe place to sleep, plenty to eat, and I even have cars that actually work! All this is pretty luxurious stuff when you think about it. Although I don’t have much extra I do my best to donate to folks who help those who are in need.

I know it’s a bit early, but I sincerely hope all you turkey (and non-turkey) eaters out there have a simply marvelous Thanksgiving. And I truly hope that you are as blessed as I am.

So here comes another Thanksgiving at Ruthie’s house. One year she treated us to “Turducken,” but I don’t think the “duck” part went quite like this…