Category Archives: Happy Friday!!!

So Sick Of Corporate Ick

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I’m pretty sick up and fed with all these gigantic corporations who care very much about the bottom line and very little about the likes of us. It’s really getting ridiculous… so much influence on the kind of shows we watch, what kind of news we see, hear or read. Reminds me of “the good old days” when I was working. Our department got some pretty sad news one day. Jobs that currently belonged to nine of my work friends would be outsourced beginning the following year. Wasn’t really a surprise to me. After working in the corporate universe for nearly 40 years; I had acquired a feel for such things. The sad result, of course, was the disruption my friends would experience. And I, being a caring kind of guy, felt very badly for them. Call me idealistic, but in my professional opinion, it never has to be this way. Corporations can make their money and still make employees feel valued. With rare exception though, this is not the way of the corporate world.

But what do I know??

At least my friends got a couple months notice. That could be considered kind, I suppose. I’m sure there was a cost savings to the company to have an outside service replace these employees. In the process, the Upper Crust always seemed to make sure their pockets were nicely lined with large bonuses. Of course, this wasn’t unique to our company, it’s become common all over the world. Importance of profits far outweigh any concern for the employees’ well being. If it weren’t for labor unions, all underlings would be treated even worse than they are now.

Reminds me of the Dr. Seuss book, “The Lorax.” The character called the Once-ler is confronted about the damages done by the rampant growth of his business. His company’s fortune thrives on materials taken from Truffula trees, which also happen to be the primary food source for creatures called the Bar-ba-loots. As the Truffula trees are over harvested, the Bar-ba-loots begin to starve, and suffer from “Crummies in tummies.”

The Once-ler’s response: “…business is business! And business must grow, regardless of Crummies in Tummies you know.”

Business is business… ain’t that the truth??

Of course, those of us whose necks missed the chopping block couldn’t help but wonder who was next. Nobody loves these kinds of changes, including me. However, my life experiences gave me tools to be a little better at keeping the negative fire storms out of my head. Being annoyed and sad is already uncomfortable enough. My magnifying mind can, if let loose, really run with all this and build a grudge that becomes harmful to me and those around me. I’m truly grateful to have learned that if I allow anger and resentment to fester in my heart, I’m basically poisoning myself. Being livid about things over which I have no control is about as effective as eating a poison pill and expecting someone else to die.

Of course my work friends and I tossed various scenarios about and when I pondered out loud about if (or more likely when) it would be my turn; they offered suggestions like finding an IT head hunter or maybe doing computer consulting work. Bless them… they were concerned for me. When they were done I mentioned that I’d been a slave to technology for over 40 years. I thanked them warmly and let them know in no uncertain terms that I was really ready to do something a little different. I would have been just fine to do something that may pay less but will feed my soul. Perhaps somewhere like Goodwill, and help those less fortunate than me become a bit more self-sufficient. Possibilities are only limited by how open my mind will be.

Thankfully I was able to retire before my particular job was outsourced (which it was). As my retirement grew near, I decided to show them guys (the corporate big shots)!! I continued to work at the job and just tried to be happy!! I bet they never saw that coming!! Well OK they didn’t care… but I did my darnedest to avoid dipping into the poison pot about corporate dysfunction. After all, the only thing I had any control over is how I reacted to all these “wonderful” things that were changing at the workplace.

Even today, (maybe especially today) when my serenity alarm goes off, I need to remind myself to run through my “gratitude list.” I am healthy and I have the love of an amazing woman. Both of us know what it’s like to lose a spouse after many years of a good marriage. I’m convinced those God People (whoever they are) helped us find each other. On top of that, I have cars that work, a nice home, plenty to eat. I have loving relationships with our offspring, relatives and friends. Life really is very, very good.

No poison pill for me thanks. We all have the right to be happy, and I’ve been taught the only way to achieve that is to take care of myself.  I need to make gratitude my attitude.  I need to say “thank you” to The People Upstairs (you know, those God People) regularly.  Sometimes it takes a bit of work to pull it off, but life is much more peaceful when I succeed. Who am I fooling… I need to work at staying calm and grateful pretty much every day, and that’s very OK with me.

Can you tell I’m practicing?

OK.  Time for a chuckle… I did some hunting and found this gem by Monty Python.  A good way to poke fun at the corporate universe and its absurdity!  But again, that’s just my professional opinion…


Spring Really IS Coming

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Been a lot of whining around these here Beautiful West Michigan parts lately. Folks have been crying and rolling on the floor, thrashing their feet about and all such nonsense. “When’s it gonna warm up?!?!?! I’m sick up and FED with all this cold and snowy weather!! I can hardly wait to start mowin’ my lawn awreddy for cryin’ out loud!!! WAHHH WAAAHHH WAAAAAAHHHH! “

Crybaby kaka-roaches…

Holy moly I haven’t thought about that in a long time… when we was kids in Noo Yawk we’d sing to the whiny babies:

Crybaby kaka-roach!

Wash your face in gravy!

Wrap it up in bubble gum

And sell it to the Navy!!

Made absolutely no sense, but when we were very young it seemed to have a nice ring to it. Oh, and don’t forget the “Nyaa nyaa na boo boo!!” for good measure!!  Anyway, to all youse whiny kids out there who are all upset that spring is taking so long, I have a news flash for you: too much warm too early makes badness with the crops!! Sheesh!!

That was technical talk, by the way…

If you’re old like me, you surely remember that winter came in around Thanksgiving and stayed icy cold until the end of March or so. Then the weather would gradually warm up and ease into summer. A few years back, unfortunately, we had several 80 degree days in March, which is simply not natural. Not for these parts anyhow.

Consequently, all the fruit trees woke up and said, “Huh?? Time to make babies?? OK!!” And of course they bloomed way too early. Usually we get enough fruit here to ship out to the world and still have enough to stash in various cold storage facilities. But that year, the inevitable frost came with a vengeance and nuked much of West Michigan’s fruit crops. That caused me to become an “apple snob.” I’d rather be sad and miss my Michigan apples than buy from far away. Now I know the farmers in other parts of the country have to make their money, but there’s simply no comparison to the quality of locally grown fruit. I confess that I’ve resorted to buying some Washington (state) apples some years ago. They looked and felt nice, and were crunchy and juicy. Nice, yes? Ummm… well… this apple snob is don’t liking them so good. They remind me of crunchy, juicy water globes with a subtle apple aftertaste somewhere in the dingle weeds of taste bud world. Takes some effort in the later parts of winter, but I still try to buy Michigan apples.

Good Lord willin’, we’ll have a spring that will be kind to the fruit trees this year. I am always eagerly awaiting the newly picked, simply amazing flavor of local fruits. There’s a cornucopia of yummies we spoiled Michiganders get to enjoy each year. All youse naysayers can bark all you want, but in my professional opinion, climate change is very real. A lot can happen between now and the traditional frost sensitive planting date of Memorial Day. Let’s hope things stay on track.

Fear not, before we know it the spring peepers will be peeping. A sure sign of spring. Then the grass will be clovering and the dandelions will be dandelioning. And yes, we’ll get snow, and then it will be gone, and then it will come back, and then it will melt again; and that’s gonna happen for the rest of our living lives here in Beautiful West Michigan so unfortunately we’ll just have to get used to it whether or not we enjoy writing run-on sentences that keep going past their expiration date, but at least they don’t smell bad or get gooey and mess on the carpet.

Thank you.

How’s about a nice springtime cartoon or two??

Yes, have some.

The Cows That Migrated To Mars

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Several billion years ago (or so it seems) it became tradition that when our grandsons visit, I’d ask for their input to write a silly story for “Happy Friday!!!” One day I asked Ollie, “What should I write about tonight?” “The cows who migrated to Mars,” he replied. So here’s what came out of my fingers to the keyboard:

Once upon ago, there were two cows named Ursula and Henry. Well OK, Henry was actually a bull, but once you get done reading this story you’ll probably think it was just a bunch of bull anyway. Anyway, Ursula and Henry grew tired of farm life and decided to seek adventure in distant lands. This all started one night when they were in the barn, talking about their day.

“Yep, I ate a few bushels of grass today,” Henry said. “Had some clover in it… not too bad I guess.”

Ursula chimed in, “Well I was totally annoyed when I was grazing in the northeast corner. I took a big bite from a yummy patch of rye grass and got mobbed by grasshoppers!! They just hopped right into my mouth!! I swallowed 8 of them before I could say ‘ptooey!!’ “

Henry tried to comfort Ursula. “Well, I wanna take you on a vacation so both of us can get a little change of scenery,” he said. “Sounds good!!” Ursula replied. “But let’s go somewhere different for a change. I’m tired of just going to the lower 40 acres of the farm.” Henry looked outside the barn window at a glowing heavenly object. “You see that really bright star?” he asked Ursula. “That’s not a star at all,” he continued. “That’s Mars. Let’s go to Mars!!” Ursula said, “and just how do you propose we get there??” Henry answered, “I’ll build a transporter!! I’ve seen them on TV… you just push some buttons and you disappear… then reappear somewhere else!!”

Ursula was skeptical, to say the least. But then she remembered when Henry made those cool water balloons using nothing but 5 pounds of bubble gum and some baking powder. She decided that since Henry was her boyfriend, she’d support him no matter what; and she gave him that reassuring wink and a nuzzle and off he went into his workshop behind the barn.

For several nights, after long days in the pasture, Henry could be heard working diligently. Clanging, grinding, hammering, sawing… even some Public Radio shows being played in the background. Then one night there was a loud CLAP!! while the lights all went dim; followed instantly with a gleeful shout from Henry. “Holy COW!! It works!!” Ursula heard his yell and shouted back, “hey buddy, watch your language!!” Henry wasn’t even embarrassed; but came to get Ursula for a demonstration.

“Are you sure about this??” Ursula pleaded. “Don’t worry,” Henry urged. “Just step on that little platform and I’ll join you when I get the coordinates programmed into the computer.” Ursula reluctantly complied, and watched intently as Henry twirled knobs and tapped the keyboards. Then he said, “OK!!” and scampered onto the platform where Ursula was waiting. Suddenly, their bodies began to vaporize and vanished from sight.

Within a few milliseconds, Ursula and Henry were standing in the middle of a small town they had never seen before. Both had heard there was life on Mars, but neither of them expected things to look very similar to their own home town. There was a Mars National Bank, and even a flying saucer parked near the road!! “Wow, Henry!! This is way cool!! Who would have imagined that life on Mars was so much like that on Earth??!!” Ursula bellowed (hey, she is a cow, after all). “I know, right??” said Henry. “Hey!!” he continued, “that Martian looks a lot like a human!! Let’s go ask him what part of Mars this is!!”

“Excuse me,” Henry blurted, “can you tell us what part of Mars this is??”

The human “Martian” answered, “Ummm OK… a talking bull!! Well sonny, you’re in Mars, Pennsylvania.” Henry didn’t know what to say. He gave Ursula a rather embarrassed look, then turned back to the human “Martian” and could only muster one word.

“Oh.”

Actually, their journey was exactly like the one Gumby enjoyed, only completely different.

Random Silliness

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Well, I did a horrible thing several days in a row. I watched the news. I also listened to it on the NPR. Then I read my e-mails and got more yukka baroo from the interwebs. I think maybe my cranium might explode, so I will get the skulldrill out of my hatchet bag and click the trigger until the fuzzy pocket linings slide backwards into the snowbank.

I have no intention to apologize, therefore, regarding the following nonsense letter that I dedicate to each of you while I send your pets to their favorite grocery store.

Dear Pasta Snarfers,

Some or none of you may enjoy pasta snarfing, but regardless, I felt it was time to inject some laugh time into my (and hopefully your) day due to the crazy goings-on we are seeing on the radio and hearing on TV; and although you may not be aware of it, all that gives me the ability to insert a time-honored run-on sentence-with hyphens-that don’t-really belong-where I’m-putting them-but I-really-don’t-care because hey, it’s just-for-the-fun of it, ya know??

Please be advised that I will rent you some chocolate ear mite remover if you vow to stop wearing socks for 134 days. Nobody says any other removal tool will have any effect on plant life in Nairobi. Nobody can convince me of any other software in these times of uncertainty and battered hamster hocks. I don’t know who Nobody is, but I hope they’re happy!!

If you don’t want to focus on all the yuckity-poo news screamings, please remain calm and toast your noodles for an inexpensive treat, gently throw spoons to the dog, and use a dust mop for cleaning those hard-to-reach nasal passages. Personally, I really need to quit stuffing donuts in my ears. But they are so soft!!

At least 47 times I wanted to make music, but all I had was a bent kazoo and a drum made of an oatmeal container. The only song I could play was “Doot Doot Bonk.” However, during my years of practicing that broken oboe I was never able to find, I envisioned a small pepper clown foraging in the wilderness. Not sure what the pepper clown was seeking but I know from a complete lack of experience that hidden in the leaf piles there may be invisible ink with which to write secret recipes. I hope there are also returnable bottles available for spare change!! This would give a happy pepper clown great enjoyments of candy and other immune system sanitizers.

Looks like I’ll need to stop eating drywall chips. I thought they would help my tummy’s rancid reflux, but now my hiney seems to think it wants to be a building contractor. After the disintegrating drywall diarrhea disturbance, please come over to our house and enjoy some dust muffins we made several weeks ago. We’ll wash them down with a nice hot cup of Crampers Cream of Toenail Soup, giggle heartily, and run wildly to the nearest sink or other unsuspecting receptacle. We’ll have fun!!

Some of the finest cheeses are kept in my sock drawer. This serves two purposes: A) they are aging nicely and 12) they are giving my socks that “nicely worn” fragrance. Some of the best cheese I’ve ever eaten was not found between my toes. However, if I could learn to play guitar with my feet I could invite my musician friends to a Toe Jam.

Perhaps a poem should be inserted at this point…

Gravy
by Me
Gravy in my armpits, syrup on my knees.
Buckets full of macaroni hanging from the trees.
Images of all these things will stick inside my head.
Hope I have a different dream when I go back to bed.

Please remember: You’ll never get anywhere in this life if you don’t go where you are trying to go. If you are already on your way, please stop at the nearest Caffeine Kaboom and tell everyone I said howdy. Also, please get me one of those fizzy cookies.

Thank you.

As you all know, the Holiday Season is upon us. Whether you celebrate by tossing old potatoes into your loved ones’ sock drawers or merely dance delightfully in the department stores, please have a safe and happy Whatever It Is You Celebrate.

I wanna celebrate with Grampy!

Of Utmost Importance: My Holiday Requirements for 2025

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Dear Beautiful Everyone,

In keeping with my very own tradition which I have started all by myself on this blog thing; I’d like to ring in the shiny new 2025 Holiday Season with a reminder to you all that the time has once again arrived again once more, yet again and it’s like here already; even though I’ve truly overused the workd “again” in this run-on silly sentence that really only needed to again remind you that this is the time of year with the Ho Ho Ho and the Randolph the Rude Nosed Rain Deer and Frosty the Snotman and of course the Commercials and the Holiday Flatulence Delays during my cat’s friend’s Tree Lighting Matrimony.

In other words, Happy Holiday Season to All Of You, Wherever You Are. And yes, that Right noW I Know I Am capitalizinG words InCoRrEctly but I simplY do that FoR thE fUn of it.

Sew Their.

As many of you may know, it’s around this time that I deliver my Holiday Requirements List For All Humans To Embrace Fully And Without Question. Sure, I’m an old hippie who grew up during the ’60s and have often been dismayed by what seems to be worldwide greed and disparity. However, in my own case of being completely silly and with the full intent of sending a smile or two; I hereby place into print the items I require as gifts for this year.

Actually, I don’t need anything. I’ve been blessed beyond measure with a nice home, and a beautiful family who are both near and far. However: Please note, that although I’m very grateful for everything I have and (for the most part) everyone I know; I still need more stuff and I want you to go get it for me now or perhaps yesterday or the day before. OK? I mean hey, I don’t wanna get nasty or nuttin’ wit you. Just get da stuff like I ask fer it.

Got it?

Good!!

So without delay, here is MY LIST OF HOLIDAY REQUIREMENTS FOR 2025:

A*) Please get 3 of the 17 Liter containers of Uncle Zelnish’s Concrete Polish. I’ve been buffing our sidewalk and driveway for quite some time now and can’t seem to get them shiny.

4n) I need another 7 lbs. of Marvel Mystery Raisin Skin Kaboom. It’s an awesome addition to sauces and also pretty darn good for tire repair. I used every last ounce I had last year, and now I can’t for the life of my find my flashlight or my Swiss Army knife.

c12) For my reading enjoyment, I’ll need an autographed copy of “How To Tell Your Best Friend’s Friend They Have A Booger,” by Dr. Hamilton “Sheila“ Snorkhammer.

x9) I’ve always needed some toenail growth regulators. I really dislike clipping my toenails, especially the ones on the Big Toe. I think there are research quality toenail toasters out there that inhibit fleas. Maybe those will work.

7!) Wow, remember those Zagnut candy bars we used to get when we were kids? I found out those are REALLY GOOD with coffee!! They have them at Cracker Barrel!! Don’t buy me any of those. Instead, just follow me around for a year or so and buy my meal when I go to Cracker Barrel. OK? Yes, and take care of the tip too if you don’t mind. I usually tip on a scale of 133 cents for every dollar spent on the meal; especially when someone else is footing the bill. Please don’t forget that part. That’s fine, thank you.

And finally…

V3) If you call ahead I’ll be very OK with you coming over and cooking up some fried chicken. Holy Moly I love that stuff. Sure, you could cheat and say you are cooking and then drop some Meijer and / or Plumbs fried chicken into a hot pan when I’m not looking. In my professional opinion, Meijer and Plumbs make some of the Best Fried Chicken In The West Michigan Universe. If you accidentally brought some over; this would cause me to salivate profusely and I might even invite you to stay and help me eat it. Maybe.

In the meantime, please tell your friends and family you love them. Or at the very least, show them you love them. You can do that with a smile, a hug, or by simply being kind. Be nice to a stranger. Sing out loud for happy. If you can’t sing, try whistling. Or something. Something good. Be willing to show whoever you may see that in spite of all the bad we hear about the world, there really is quite a lot of good stuff going on.

There really is you know.

Peace and Love to You All.

In case you were wondering, this is how all the stuff gets put together and prepared for delivery.

Happy Thanksgiving!! Oh, And As The Frogs Say…

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I was at the grocery store the other day and saw that turkeys were on sale for 32 cents a pound. Holey Moly!! I can’t believe the holidays are zooming in already!! Wasn’t it September just a few days ago?? The older I get, the quicker the days / months / years seem to pass. A former boss of mine explained this to us years ago with a very wise (and funny) expression: “As the frogs say, time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Soon I’ll be slaving over the turkey / hot dog / cottage cheese casserole… and of course the obligatory mac and cheese laced with pepperoni and pickled beets. Maybe some cream corn with pickled asparagus casserole… you know, the kind with the crunchy onions on top. Oh, and not to forget a couple cans of cranberry sauce stacked up in the middle of the platter to create an elegant presentation. Some folks even take the cranberry sauce OUT of the can!! Then the dessert trays: all those Twinkies to unwrap and place “just so” on the pizza platter… And OH!! Not to forget the Hostess Sno-Balls and Moon Pies. Kool-Aid in fancy plastic cups… you know, the see through kind. A feast fit for a champion cow pie flinger!

HUH?? Oh wait, maybe that was the dream I had after all those liverwurst, bacon, and salami sandwiches. Nothing like a few thousand grams of sodium nitrite to make a nicely hallucinogenic “free movie” dream.

Anywhooo…

Things have changed over the years… our daughter, son-in-law and grandsons will probably spend Thanksgiving with our son-in-law’s side of the family. Doesn’t matter, because we all get together on the Sunday after Thanksgiving when I make our traditional meal with all the trimmings. Believe it or not, I love cooking all that stuff. I do the whole shebang: turkey (duh), bread stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, veggies, pie. All homemade except the pie crusts. I’m just too lazy for that pie crust monkey business. My pumpkin pie is usually made from hubbard squash. Pumpkins are OK I guess, but hubbard squash has much more flavor… almost like sweet potatoes. Pie will be topped with real whipped cream sweetened with local honey. After stuffing our faces we’ll decorate the Christmas tree.

The ritual of preparing all the stuff gives me lots of time to reflect. Starting around Hallowe’en, my Beautiful Girlfriend Wife Person would be cranking the Christmas music. I didn’t mind it; but I’ve always preferred quiet (or maybe some classical music) when I’m “in the zone.” Cook, reflect… cook, reflect. And now that I’m “getting up there,” in my seventies… I of course have many, many memories. My family had lots of loss over the years. One of the most difficult to endure: this will be the second Thanksgiving since my Beautiful Wife left for the Great Beyond a year and a half ago.

For the past several years we’ve had the good fortune of spending Thanksgiving at our dear friend Ruthie’s. Holy Moly that girl can cook. Of course; there are two who will be missing from Ruthie’s Turkey Day: My Beautiful Honey Pie and our dear friend Lew (Ruthie’s hubby).We all miss both of them terribly. However, we can still smile as we enjoy Brussels sprouts made specially in Lew’s honor. Back then, Thanksgiving happened at our house or Lew and Ruthie’s. The last year Lew was still here, it was my year to cook. Lew noticed I was making Brussels sprouts for dinner, and when I asked whether he liked them, and he emphatically used an expletive to describe his feelings: “F*%$ NO!!” We all had a very good laugh over that proclamation. Lew’s passing shifted the traditional meal to Ruthie’s house. Lew has been gone 17 years now (I can hear those frogs talking); and every year Ruthie makes the honorary dish named FN Brussels Sprouts. The initials FN were used to shield the youngsters (who are not so young now) from the profanity.

In spite of the challenges I’ve faced over the past 18 months, I mostly want to say that I’m a very fortunate human. So long as I keep that thought foremost in my brain, life is really very good. I get annoyed at all the commercial hoopla this time of year. However, I’m getting much better at practicing the principle: “accept the things I cannot change.” I do my part in contributing to the family gift pile, but more importantly Thanksgiving kicks off a string of “gratitude days” for me. The holidays have a way of digging up memories of days long gone; and I get pretty mushy this time of year.

I really am blessed beyond measure. Earlier this year, God (whoever they are) put an amazing woman in my life. We both know what a long, happy marriage is, and we both know what the loss of a spouse from such a union is all about. To top it off, before we met in person we both made really sure we had lots of things in common. Couldn’t ask for a better person to share life with through the twilight years! On top of all that, I’m loving retirement, I have a warm, safe place to sleep, plenty to eat, and I even have cars that actually work! All this is pretty luxurious stuff when you think about it. Although I don’t have much extra I do my best to donate to folks who help those who are in need.

I know it’s a bit early, but I sincerely hope all you turkey (and non-turkey) eaters out there have a simply marvelous Thanksgiving. And I truly hope that you are as blessed as I am.

So here comes another Thanksgiving at Ruthie’s house. One year she treated us to “Turducken,” but I don’t think the “duck” part went quite like this…

The Miracle of Healing: Old Ouch vs. Young Ouch

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This past year I turned 71, which of course makes me older than compost. When I was a youngster, dinosaurs still listened to radios with vacuum tubes inside them, and telephones had these weird things called “rotary dials.” Ahh, the good old days. I call them the good old days because when I was a kid it seemed like my body could really take a beating and bounce back for more.

No, this did NOT mean I was out picking fights. I was way too chicken for any of that monkey business. I’m talking about things like riding my big Columbia bike as fast as I could into a hurricane fence, just because I was convinced that this bike was the toughest thing on wheels. Of course, I became airborne when the bike stopped suddenly, but I got away with a few bruises and bumps and went on to the next self-destructive play adventure. Healing up didn’t seem to take too long in those days; and for the most part I could endure lots of bodily clunkings with little residual effect.

But now…

So like there I was, minding my own business, enjoying the luxurious but noisy comfort of the Cub Cadet lawn mowing machine, when I barely brushed past a wild rose bush; and it scratched my skin. Didn’t hurt much… I mean, hey, I knew I was coming up to some thorny stuff. I felt a little scratchy ouching, nothing very intense at all, and a few moments later my arm feels wet. I’M BLEEDING!!! A Lot!! AYYYYYEEEEEE!!! Well OK, I didn’t shriek… but I was amazed at how thin my epidermis has become. Sheesh!! In the “good old days” I would have had a few light scratch marks and maybe just a trace of bleeding.

Oh… and another time… I was playing with our grandson, and decided, “What fun it would be if I ran backwards in a very vigorous manner!!” I said this silently to my self in just that exact way. Or not. Anyway, the next day, my heel hurt like a Giant Squid had impaled me with a Huge Stabbing Thing while I was Using Capital Letters in a Silly and Ridiculous Rant. But seriously, it hurted me awreddy!! Walking was now a very painful endeavor!! Finally went to a physical therapist after a few days, and they said, “Oh, you have plantar fasciitis.” To which I politely replied, “Do what now??” And they explained further, “Yes, you injured the ligament in your heel. Do these stretching exercises and get some inserts for your shoes. In the meantime, be more careful and quit pretending you are 13 years old with the backward zooming ouch happenings.”

They may not have said it exactly that way… but after a few months… MONTHS… the foot thing finally healed up.

Oh yes, another fond memory!! So there I was again, hoping to show how agile I could be, attempting to do a jump to the top of some perfectly usable concrete stairs without actually walking up the stairs. I placed my hands at the top of the concrete staircase… and I’m thinking, “Sheesh, there are only 3 stairs, I shall jump up like a spry kitty cat for the fun of it.” It never occurred to me that perhaps I might smash my shin bone into the top of the steps on the way up. And yes, I made it to the top but WAAHHH HOTCHAMOOFA OY YOY YOY THAT HURT!!! Bad bloody scrapings and bone bonking of the shin area!!! Boy howdy did I feel intelligent upon “completing” such an athletic yet painful task!!

Took several moons for that one to heal properly.

OK. So the moral of the story is: young ouch is better than old ouch. Well sometimes… I suppose it depends on how big the ouching is. And yes, even though I don’t like it much, I am very aware that my body can’t take the punishment it once endured. Oh, and yeah, I can’t jump higher than a bullet or run faster than a speeding building either.

So I’m much more careful. I’m too young to die.

But as the great Henny Youngman used to say: “Doctor!! It hurts when I do this!! So the doctor says, ‘DON’T DO THAT!!’”

“Get Your Head Out Of Your A_ _ _”

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Don’t be frightened by the title… this is and always shall be a “family site;” meaning no smut or cussing allowed. Believe it or don’t, if the letters were not blanked out; there still would be no cussing… if you look closely you’ll notice that the last word has 4 letters (the A plus 3 blanks) instead of the naughtier 3.

Anyway, ever admire someone even though you’ve never met them? Well, before retirement, each day I’d pass by the Glenpark Animal Hospital here on my way to work. They have one of those signs that allow them to change the letters; and they did so regularly. Sometimes the message was serious; like reminders for folks to treat their furry friends for fleas and heartworms. Other times, it was rather amusing; like:

“STOP ANIMAL TESTING: THEY DON’T PAY ATTENTION AND GET WRONG ANSWERS.”

Or…

“FREE KITTENS AND MIRACLE CURES ARE FALSE ADVERTISING.”

There were many more funny ones, but those two stuck in my mind for some reason. My overall favorite was:

“GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR APPS.”

That one made me laugh bigly; and even though I’ve seen “bigly” in use on the interwebs, it’s not even a real word; but then again neither is “interwebs,” but both of these fake words are fun to say and type, and additionally it gives me an excuse to write a long overdue run-on sentence that rambles along like a chicken with no DVD player; all the while using commas and semicolons in a most confusing but almost grammatically correct manner.

But who cares… let’s get back to the removal of one’s head from their apps. You see, I was a computer flunky for many Earth years; and a techno-flunky before that. I’ve seen a few changes along the way… from state of the art vacuum tube equipment to the amazing solid state (that’s old speak for “no vacuum tubes”) stuff we have today. Have you ever smelled a vacuum tube? Don’t put it in your nose while it’s warm!! OUCH!! Oh yeah… the apps thing. Sorry, I’m easily distracted.

As devices became more portable, of course more and more people started carrying them around. Got to the point where many folks wouldn’t go anywhere without their battery powered stuff. And of course a few more Earth decades passed; ushering more and more radical change as the Earth times became the now times.

Huh??

Yes, have some.

So here we are, in the digital age, where personal privacy seems to be rapidly losing its importance. I say this because as more and more people install more and more apps on their phones; more and more information about their shopping habits, whereabouts, even recreational tendencies is being given away to be scooped up by marketeers and in some cases, fraudsters. Folks everywhere are seen with their noses nearly smudging their smartphone screens; and they are often so involved with their device that they’ve become oblivious to their surroundings.

So even though I laughed bigly at the notion of folks being told to get their heads out of their apps; I admired the Glenpark Animal Hospital for the urging. Might be a good idea for all of us in these “Modern Times” to pay less attention to techno-toys and more attention to.each other. Maybe do something really crazy like leave the phone in the house and go outside for a nice visit with Mother Nature.

Just a suggestion…

Speaking of “Modern Times,”  I really need to watch that movie with my grandsons.  Here’s one of the technological “miracle machines” from that Charlie Chaplin classic…

Office Finger Supply Realignment

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Hello My Friends,

I’m writing to tell you that my fingers are broken and can no longer type anything that requires typing. Please refer to your Fronkle’s Universal Dictionary for a new and soil proof container for your unwanted dander.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of you very much for being. I know you all are, and I’m truly grateful that this is. I have been for a very long time, and I hope to be much longer than now. In the future, I’ll be there when I’m not here, and then today will of course be yesterday. Then I can look back on all the days I’ve been, and say with great warbly yodels, “Ahh those were the days!!” However, if for some reason I am no longer able to be, please send 23 cents and 17 boxtops to:

Solgarian Sandwich Flatteners

c/o Glippy Zoonerbonk

333 44th Street

Crabfoot, Nymobia X14992

So!! Who the heck put all those nasty sand spurs in my sock drawer?? Anyhow?? I mean, whenever I put my tootsies inside a sock, all I can think of is screaming YOUCH!! Then of course I do the familiar hopping and screaming dance we’ve all groan to endure. In what soon will be a very long run-on sentence I will describe how I intensely remember the happy first time I ever wore flip-flops in our lush but very barren Florida lawn when we were renting a house near MacDill Air Force Base because we didn’t want to live on the base and we didn’t really qualify anyway and unless you spend a crap ton of money on your lawn all you get is this crazy quack grass (which neither quacks nor is it very nice grass) that makes sand spurs and when you walk through a patch with uncovered footsies for the first time because you are a dumb Yankee you get very bad ouchfoot and holy CARP these stupid things are making my toes bleed!!

I mean, it hurted me awreddy!!

Now it’s time for me to remind all of you to please enjoy your life with every breath of air your pet Goose Marble can imbibe. This method of enjoyment merely requires you to be grateful for being, as was mentioned in an earlier section of whatever the heck this writing glob of words is supposed to be. If you are reading this now, you likely live in North America; which means you are among some of the most privileged people in the world. And that’s no joke you see. I for one am very grateful to the Holy Mackerel People Upstairs In The Universal Remarkable, because whoever They are, They have blessed me more than I could have ever imagined.

I even get to eat snacks!!

Very well then. You see, it’s like this: If you do not enjoy this upcoming weekend, or any other day for that matter, I shall be forced to report you to the Inner Peace Police. Believe me, they do not mess around. They will comfort you until you barf cotton candy with fairy dust that twinkles in the moonlight. So try giving each of your office supplies a name and tell them jokes often with a very big voice; especially when you’re near lots of people. This activity will very will very quickly let you know who you can trust.

Now I will go back to my finger realignment. Please call my veterinarian and find out if my lunch is still there.

Thank you,

Abner L. Pignibbler

a.k.a. “Mr. Kaboom”

And now for some feelgood type music things. Here are some of my favorites ( I have many, many favorites…).

AI Yi Yi Yi And Other Whinings

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Hello, and thank you for tuning in to this week’s antenna ranching installment. The news has been removing my capillaries again, and although the events in the news can put me in a bit of an emotional slump, I’ve decided to staple feathers to my cat’s pajamas and anonymously send ice cream to the White House via parcel post. Surely these stress relief methods will result in at least two or perhaps even seventeen new buttons on Mrs. Jingledweeb’s radish basket.

Huh?? Not to worry… just letting off a little steam there. Nonsense helps me keep my blood pressure down.

But seriously folks, I’m a bit worried. I’ve heard reports of AI chatbots competing with humans for companionship. That’s right, people are talking to chatbots as if they were actually alive. Don’t those folks want to enjoy reality? I guess I should not be surprised, humans have been drifting farther and farther away from Nature since the Industrial Revolution.

On the other hand, there are fingers and fingernails. Or at least I hope so. And in addition and also as well, there is the crazy situation going on in Congress. The fact that so many think it’s very OK to terminate health benefits for needy people so rich folks can enjoy tax breaks makes me want to barf on the ground.

What can I do about all this? Well I can vote, but it’s not time yet. I can choose to be annoyed and shriek to friends and family about the woes of the world, but they are often just as sad about all this as I am so that would be unkind. So I do my best to limit my news intake and be as happy as possible.

Even though I’m growing older, I’m still a child in old man’s clothing. I’m usually the one who likes to be silly and help my loved ones (friends and family) laugh. I do my best to stay grateful; and I verbalize that to them. However when I’m down, they are often alarmed. Some of them remind me of things I would normally be saying to them; and believe me, that’s a very good thing for me.  I just need to adjust what’s going on between my ears.

The reminders all basically boil down to these simple guidelines:

A) Don’t sweat the small stuff.

12) EVERYTHING is small stuff.

7) Maintain some boundaries – stay close to those who love you, and be kind to those who are ornery. They probably just find it difficult to be happy..

p4) Don’t take this life stuff too seriously.

*@) Try to smile. It is much more pleasant than frowning; and

Red) There are many in this world who are much less fortunate than me.

So, the last couple days I’ve been reprogramming. Funny how the older I get, the less I know. If I can stay in that frame of mind, I can survive this life stuff by learning new ways to cope. I can let go of the things I simply can’t control. I can raise a nice garden and get my hands nice and dirty! I can spend time with friends! I can take time to laugh! I can even stop using so many exclamation points!

Or not!!

And, I can include a video that is very silly indeed… and laughter is very good medicine.