Author Archives: Ken Hansen

So Sick Of Corporate Ick

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I’m pretty sick up and fed with all these gigantic corporations who care very much about the bottom line and very little about the likes of us. It’s really getting ridiculous… so much influence on the kind of shows we watch, what kind of news we see, hear or read. Reminds me of “the good old days” when I was working. Our department got some pretty sad news one day. Jobs that currently belonged to nine of my work friends would be outsourced beginning the following year. Wasn’t really a surprise to me. After working in the corporate universe for nearly 40 years; I had acquired a feel for such things. The sad result, of course, was the disruption my friends would experience. And I, being a caring kind of guy, felt very badly for them. Call me idealistic, but in my professional opinion, it never has to be this way. Corporations can make their money and still make employees feel valued. With rare exception though, this is not the way of the corporate world.

But what do I know??

At least my friends got a couple months notice. That could be considered kind, I suppose. I’m sure there was a cost savings to the company to have an outside service replace these employees. In the process, the Upper Crust always seemed to make sure their pockets were nicely lined with large bonuses. Of course, this wasn’t unique to our company, it’s become common all over the world. Importance of profits far outweigh any concern for the employees’ well being. If it weren’t for labor unions, all underlings would be treated even worse than they are now.

Reminds me of the Dr. Seuss book, “The Lorax.” The character called the Once-ler is confronted about the damages done by the rampant growth of his business. His company’s fortune thrives on materials taken from Truffula trees, which also happen to be the primary food source for creatures called the Bar-ba-loots. As the Truffula trees are over harvested, the Bar-ba-loots begin to starve, and suffer from “Crummies in tummies.”

The Once-ler’s response: “…business is business! And business must grow, regardless of Crummies in Tummies you know.”

Business is business… ain’t that the truth??

Of course, those of us whose necks missed the chopping block couldn’t help but wonder who was next. Nobody loves these kinds of changes, including me. However, my life experiences gave me tools to be a little better at keeping the negative fire storms out of my head. Being annoyed and sad is already uncomfortable enough. My magnifying mind can, if let loose, really run with all this and build a grudge that becomes harmful to me and those around me. I’m truly grateful to have learned that if I allow anger and resentment to fester in my heart, I’m basically poisoning myself. Being livid about things over which I have no control is about as effective as eating a poison pill and expecting someone else to die.

Of course my work friends and I tossed various scenarios about and when I pondered out loud about if (or more likely when) it would be my turn; they offered suggestions like finding an IT head hunter or maybe doing computer consulting work. Bless them… they were concerned for me. When they were done I mentioned that I’d been a slave to technology for over 40 years. I thanked them warmly and let them know in no uncertain terms that I was really ready to do something a little different. I would have been just fine to do something that may pay less but will feed my soul. Perhaps somewhere like Goodwill, and help those less fortunate than me become a bit more self-sufficient. Possibilities are only limited by how open my mind will be.

Thankfully I was able to retire before my particular job was outsourced (which it was). As my retirement grew near, I decided to show them guys (the corporate big shots)!! I continued to work at the job and just tried to be happy!! I bet they never saw that coming!! Well OK they didn’t care… but I did my darnedest to avoid dipping into the poison pot about corporate dysfunction. After all, the only thing I had any control over is how I reacted to all these “wonderful” things that were changing at the workplace.

Even today, (maybe especially today) when my serenity alarm goes off, I need to remind myself to run through my “gratitude list.” I am healthy and I have the love of an amazing woman. Both of us know what it’s like to lose a spouse after many years of a good marriage. I’m convinced those God People (whoever they are) helped us find each other. On top of that, I have cars that work, a nice home, plenty to eat. I have loving relationships with our offspring, relatives and friends. Life really is very, very good.

No poison pill for me thanks. We all have the right to be happy, and I’ve been taught the only way to achieve that is to take care of myself.  I need to make gratitude my attitude.  I need to say “thank you” to The People Upstairs (you know, those God People) regularly.  Sometimes it takes a bit of work to pull it off, but life is much more peaceful when I succeed. Who am I fooling… I need to work at staying calm and grateful pretty much every day, and that’s very OK with me.

Can you tell I’m practicing?

OK.  Time for a chuckle… I did some hunting and found this gem by Monty Python.  A good way to poke fun at the corporate universe and its absurdity!  But again, that’s just my professional opinion…


Spring Really IS Coming

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Been a lot of whining around these here Beautiful West Michigan parts lately. Folks have been crying and rolling on the floor, thrashing their feet about and all such nonsense. “When’s it gonna warm up?!?!?! I’m sick up and FED with all this cold and snowy weather!! I can hardly wait to start mowin’ my lawn awreddy for cryin’ out loud!!! WAHHH WAAAHHH WAAAAAAHHHH! “

Crybaby kaka-roaches…

Holy moly I haven’t thought about that in a long time… when we was kids in Noo Yawk we’d sing to the whiny babies:

Crybaby kaka-roach!

Wash your face in gravy!

Wrap it up in bubble gum

And sell it to the Navy!!

Made absolutely no sense, but when we were very young it seemed to have a nice ring to it. Oh, and don’t forget the “Nyaa nyaa na boo boo!!” for good measure!!  Anyway, to all youse whiny kids out there who are all upset that spring is taking so long, I have a news flash for you: too much warm too early makes badness with the crops!! Sheesh!!

That was technical talk, by the way…

If you’re old like me, you surely remember that winter came in around Thanksgiving and stayed icy cold until the end of March or so. Then the weather would gradually warm up and ease into summer. A few years back, unfortunately, we had several 80 degree days in March, which is simply not natural. Not for these parts anyhow.

Consequently, all the fruit trees woke up and said, “Huh?? Time to make babies?? OK!!” And of course they bloomed way too early. Usually we get enough fruit here to ship out to the world and still have enough to stash in various cold storage facilities. But that year, the inevitable frost came with a vengeance and nuked much of West Michigan’s fruit crops. That caused me to become an “apple snob.” I’d rather be sad and miss my Michigan apples than buy from far away. Now I know the farmers in other parts of the country have to make their money, but there’s simply no comparison to the quality of locally grown fruit. I confess that I’ve resorted to buying some Washington (state) apples some years ago. They looked and felt nice, and were crunchy and juicy. Nice, yes? Ummm… well… this apple snob is don’t liking them so good. They remind me of crunchy, juicy water globes with a subtle apple aftertaste somewhere in the dingle weeds of taste bud world. Takes some effort in the later parts of winter, but I still try to buy Michigan apples.

Good Lord willin’, we’ll have a spring that will be kind to the fruit trees this year. I am always eagerly awaiting the newly picked, simply amazing flavor of local fruits. There’s a cornucopia of yummies we spoiled Michiganders get to enjoy each year. All youse naysayers can bark all you want, but in my professional opinion, climate change is very real. A lot can happen between now and the traditional frost sensitive planting date of Memorial Day. Let’s hope things stay on track.

Fear not, before we know it the spring peepers will be peeping. A sure sign of spring. Then the grass will be clovering and the dandelions will be dandelioning. And yes, we’ll get snow, and then it will be gone, and then it will come back, and then it will melt again; and that’s gonna happen for the rest of our living lives here in Beautiful West Michigan so unfortunately we’ll just have to get used to it whether or not we enjoy writing run-on sentences that keep going past their expiration date, but at least they don’t smell bad or get gooey and mess on the carpet.

Thank you.

How’s about a nice springtime cartoon or two??

Yes, have some.

A Little Silly Sunshine For YOU

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Well holy moley. This year has started off with much weeping and gnashing of teeth, and I don’t know about youse kids but this here kid is not only about to embark upon a run-on sentence, but I’m gonna repeat the Serenity Prayer at least 187 times per second, possibly for the next 3 years if necessary unless things in our world change abruptly which of course doesn’t seem likely so I guess I’ll just do that prayer I just mentioned and in case you are don’t knowing what it is I will present it to you at this time:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

And then I read / listen to / watch the news and I say, “Oy yoy yoy!!” and I pray some more.

But on the other hand, I hope you have 5 fingers but even if you do not, I still love you. And because of that, I thought I’d share some very silly thoughts that came out of my brain and onto the keyboard during my work years. My work friends and I were in the IT computer universe, so the job got a bit hectic at times. In other words, stress would cause us to roll on the floor while drooling and singing songs backwards.

Those of you who know me are aware that I am often silly. Therefore, my “go-to” reaction to stress is to write nonsensical ha ha stuff. Text messaging software is a marvelous tool for “spreading the cheer,” so to speak, and by golly that’s just what I did. I sent at least one silly message a day to many of my friends, using cut-and-paste to plop my silly stuff, one text at a time, to my peers. Was this a good use of work time?? YES!! My professional opinion: if work is no fun, find another job, am I right??

One of my friends asked me, “Are you saving these?? You could make a book!!” So lo and behold, I made a document and started saving them. So without any further ado, I’m gonna share some with you. I’ve categorized them with a little title on each little ditty. Hope these help you stay distracted for just a little while.

OK… here goes:

Mastodons

In prehistoric times, Neanderthals employed Mastodons plow their fields.  However, they also learned that Mastodons only understood “ugga bugga,” a language that never existed.

Vote For Me!!

In the upcoming 2026 election, I’m running for Resident of The United States. Although I have 71 years of experience, I don’t care about the number of votes.  Just kick in to my fund raising campaign at www.kakahead.com

My Cat

By applying mustard on my cat’s eyebrows, I can feel confident his festive appearance will give him great joy among his peers.

Barking At The Moon

Tonight I plan to enjoy a nice dinner of Cream of Dogfood Soup with a grilled Kibbles ‘n Bits sandwich.  All this will precede a raucous 3 hour session of barking at the moon.

Mustard

Not sure who the culprit is so I’m asking everyone:  please stop substituting my mustard with the Purple Sludge.  The fridge is starting to vibrate between 2 and 3:37 AM.

Shrimp

Tomorrow’s breakfast:  Please prepare some shrimp on the half shell with a side dish of deep fried moth tongues.  I’ll wash it down with a nice avocado / eggplant smoothie; after which I’ll run for the men’s room.  Thank you!!

Noodles

None of my noodles fizz anymore.  Therefore, I have concluded that my pasta harvesting rake is defective.

Growing Hair

I’ve decided to grow my hair out of follicles instead of pulling it out of those tiny access hole thingies.  Besides, everyone knows that chocolate does not grow on fleas.

Raisin Bran

My least favorite food additive is carbon fiber monoxide.  It’s supposed to keep me “regular,” but it’s made by filtering auto exhaust through a bowl of raisin bran.  It’s also illegal to make this product everywhere except on the subtropical island of Okka Pitoo.

Used Muffins

During my retirement I may need some supplemental income.  I will have used muffins for sale by the pound.  These are multipurpose:  serve them to your least favorite people or add them to the soil in flowerbeds or beneath shrubs (not recommended in the vegetable garden).

And last but probably also least…

Happy Friday

Happy Friday!!  May your ears enjoy delicious flavors; and may your nostrils flutter softly in the breeze.

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

Kenny

Well I hope that helped. Just to make sure, here comes a silly cartoon.

The Cows That Migrated To Mars

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Several billion years ago (or so it seems) it became tradition that when our grandsons visit, I’d ask for their input to write a silly story for “Happy Friday!!!” One day I asked Ollie, “What should I write about tonight?” “The cows who migrated to Mars,” he replied. So here’s what came out of my fingers to the keyboard:

Once upon ago, there were two cows named Ursula and Henry. Well OK, Henry was actually a bull, but once you get done reading this story you’ll probably think it was just a bunch of bull anyway. Anyway, Ursula and Henry grew tired of farm life and decided to seek adventure in distant lands. This all started one night when they were in the barn, talking about their day.

“Yep, I ate a few bushels of grass today,” Henry said. “Had some clover in it… not too bad I guess.”

Ursula chimed in, “Well I was totally annoyed when I was grazing in the northeast corner. I took a big bite from a yummy patch of rye grass and got mobbed by grasshoppers!! They just hopped right into my mouth!! I swallowed 8 of them before I could say ‘ptooey!!’ “

Henry tried to comfort Ursula. “Well, I wanna take you on a vacation so both of us can get a little change of scenery,” he said. “Sounds good!!” Ursula replied. “But let’s go somewhere different for a change. I’m tired of just going to the lower 40 acres of the farm.” Henry looked outside the barn window at a glowing heavenly object. “You see that really bright star?” he asked Ursula. “That’s not a star at all,” he continued. “That’s Mars. Let’s go to Mars!!” Ursula said, “and just how do you propose we get there??” Henry answered, “I’ll build a transporter!! I’ve seen them on TV… you just push some buttons and you disappear… then reappear somewhere else!!”

Ursula was skeptical, to say the least. But then she remembered when Henry made those cool water balloons using nothing but 5 pounds of bubble gum and some baking powder. She decided that since Henry was her boyfriend, she’d support him no matter what; and she gave him that reassuring wink and a nuzzle and off he went into his workshop behind the barn.

For several nights, after long days in the pasture, Henry could be heard working diligently. Clanging, grinding, hammering, sawing… even some Public Radio shows being played in the background. Then one night there was a loud CLAP!! while the lights all went dim; followed instantly with a gleeful shout from Henry. “Holy COW!! It works!!” Ursula heard his yell and shouted back, “hey buddy, watch your language!!” Henry wasn’t even embarrassed; but came to get Ursula for a demonstration.

“Are you sure about this??” Ursula pleaded. “Don’t worry,” Henry urged. “Just step on that little platform and I’ll join you when I get the coordinates programmed into the computer.” Ursula reluctantly complied, and watched intently as Henry twirled knobs and tapped the keyboards. Then he said, “OK!!” and scampered onto the platform where Ursula was waiting. Suddenly, their bodies began to vaporize and vanished from sight.

Within a few milliseconds, Ursula and Henry were standing in the middle of a small town they had never seen before. Both had heard there was life on Mars, but neither of them expected things to look very similar to their own home town. There was a Mars National Bank, and even a flying saucer parked near the road!! “Wow, Henry!! This is way cool!! Who would have imagined that life on Mars was so much like that on Earth??!!” Ursula bellowed (hey, she is a cow, after all). “I know, right??” said Henry. “Hey!!” he continued, “that Martian looks a lot like a human!! Let’s go ask him what part of Mars this is!!”

“Excuse me,” Henry blurted, “can you tell us what part of Mars this is??”

The human “Martian” answered, “Ummm OK… a talking bull!! Well sonny, you’re in Mars, Pennsylvania.” Henry didn’t know what to say. He gave Ursula a rather embarrassed look, then turned back to the human “Martian” and could only muster one word.

“Oh.”

Actually, their journey was exactly like the one Gumby enjoyed, only completely different.

My New Years Revolutions for 2026

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Greetings, fellow Song Yodelers,

Here’s wishing you the Happiest Merry of all Years, with dotted Ts and crossed eyes following all of your newly configured radial sandwich flavors.  It is very and ultra important that we greet this new year with pledges of doing remarkable things.  As you may already know, pledges are words that express an intent to do something.  Politicians know the value of a pledge.  They use them to get elected and, once in office, they do what they bloody well want.  But when you come right down to it, when people make promises about this or that at the beginning of a brand new year, they have a lot in common with politicians.  Many people make pledges, but how many fulfill them?? 

This I am unable to know.

2025 brought great weeping and gnashing of teeth for many of us. Although many thought they were voting for positive change, the changes that have been made are, in my professional opinion, too often a bit less than positive. There do seem to be some cracks forming in the walls of corruption, but all too often the same old stories persist:

1) The rich get richer, the poor become more numerous, and the working class gets to pay for all of it; and

29) War is still not the answer, even though all too many people cling to the notion that it can be “morally justified.” I know, I know… “there’s so much evil in the world;” and “we have the right to defend ourselves…” Yada yada yada. My professional opinion: The use of weapons produces a very immediate (albeit tragic) result. However, there will NEVER be lasting peace until we are ready to treat each other with respect; communicate; and persistently work together to address the roots of the issues.

Oh but hey, that stuff takes way too long. Let’s just go bomb somebody.

Oy yoy yoy.

“Tax the rich, feed the poor, till there are no rich no more…”

These kinds of ickyness just give me the warm fuzzy noodle constipation that every mom loves.  But I know that it’s always easier to find fault with others than to look inward, so I thought I’d better lay out a plan for my own self improvement.  Therefore, I beg of each of you to elect me as your next Filibuster Yakkity Yak Doo Dah Day for 2026.  My plan for self bereavement lies below.

Please be not aware that I have regurgitated the following Noo Yeer’s Revolutions:

1)   To remind myself that I need to remember those things which I can’t seem to recall.  

          What was that again?  What was I thinking about…??

R)  To lose weight, gain it back, lose it again, and lose some more until my nostrils can be used for sidewalk painting without fear of changing lanes abruptly.  

          Please pass the pepperoni flakes and the coagulated skim milk.

24) To change lanes abruptly so all weight loss can be vehemently avoided.  

          Watch out for that tree!! It has a scale near it!!

++) To boldly go where no earthworm has ever dined before.  

          Ummm… you gonna eat that compost??

3X) To be nice to all people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.  

          Excuse me sire, your toupee is on fire.  May I stomp it out for you?

T5) To dress in all recyclable clothing, in order to lighten the load on my laundry licking machine.  

          I especially favor the milk jug socks and the recycled string bikini underwear.

Z44) To unite all small countries in a global effort to stop Homer Simpson from eating my cake.

          Alright boys, this is it… you clunk him on the cake eater and I’ll spray him with a completely different shade of yellow.

And finally:

9)  To sing loudly (or sometimes softly, even silently) about how wonderful it is to be alive, ever reminding myself that life really is a joy and that complaining is tantamount to feeding dogfood to caterpillars.  In other words, no matter how badly I think I have it, I am really a wealthy person.  I have received many gifts from the Creator.  As Alistair Sim said in my favorite Christmas movie (Scrooge)  “I don’t deserve to be so happy, but I can’t help it.”  

I suspect that if you are reading this, you are wealthy also.  You don’t think so??  OK smartypants, lemme ask you these:  Do you have a car?  Do you have enough to eat?  Do any of your clothes fit nicely? Do you have friends?  A warm, safe place to sleep?  

If you answered yes to any of those, you are wealthy.  OK??

 So I hereby beseech all of you to have a most Wonderful New Year of this 2026 Universe, and that you discover New Millipedes under every log you roll.  Love your brethren and your cistern.  Love your father, your mother, and your Mother (Earth).  And please, please share what you can with those less fortunate than you are.

And always remember to be kind to yourself and other living things.

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

Kenny

“And now,” as Mr. Cleese used to say, “for something completely different.”

I Love You And I’m Glad You Don’t Stink

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Due to my advanced age I’m able to vividly remember when Dionne Warwick sang a most wonderful song called “What The World Needs Now.” The lyrics are simple but beautiful and are pretty much timeless:

“What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love
No, not just for some but for everyone…”

Ain’t that the truth!!

OK it’s like this you see: those who know me are very aware that the words “I Love You” come out of my mouth pretty regularly; and I always mean it very sincerely. I mean, I don’t just blurt that out to anyone and everyone, but I’m grateful to say that I have several close friends, blood relatives, and extended family (of choice) members whom I love unconditionally… very, very much. I’m also blessed with several loved ones who understand that I have a goofy sense of humor. One example: several times I’ve told select loved ones, “I love you, and I’m glad you don’t stink.” This is often met with the reply, “Well I do bathe somewhat regularly.”

It is in this spirit that I would now at this very moment like to compose a song that incorporates these words of friendship –

I love you and I’m so very glad you don’t stink
Your bathing is good whether bathtub or sink
Good hygiene is helpful for friendships you know
When I’m near you my nostrils don’t hurt from B.O.

So Thank You

This of course is sung to the tune of “I Love You And I’m Glad You Don’t Stink.”

On the other hand, I not only have five fingers but I have times when someone seems very intent on testing my tolerance level. At least, their behavior disgusts me greatly and I would like for them to be banished to Monster Island with no snacks or drinks. However, because of many life lessons and changes of heart, I’m come to realize that everyone deserves to be loved. The Gods Of The Universe have told all of this in many different ways. One of the more recent lessons came in the form of a person much younger than me.

I’ve often repeated an anonymous quote that describes my favorite concept of God:

“Nature is God’s reflection.”

Oh boy howdy I like that a lot!! I’ve come to believe that there is something to which I refer as God, but I have no idea what it means. I’m pretty sure it’s likely not the old man with the long white beard; but that’s just my professional opinion. No, what it means to me is that I can find God in the critters that swim in a drop of water, or in trees, birds, oceans, streams, you know… all that Mother Nature stuff. So I was again repeating the “reflection” quote to a group of friends and afterward this younger guy comes up to me and says, “So Ken, that means that all of us are part of that reflection, right?” My reply was, “Oh wow!!”

He was right you know.

Long story longer, now I have to remember that even those whom I consider to be horrible people are part of the Creation and they therefore need to be loved. So I can honestly say that I do my best to love them. Like them?? No. They are not invited for dinner. But when they get on my nerves I do my best to step back and pray for them to be happy and healthy all the day long.

Now here comes that other hand with the five fingers… I do love to play and send silly imaginary messages to those whom I’m not liking so much. Some of them are in the news… and I’ll leave it at that. But I relieve stress with silliness. So here is a song for the stinker heads of the world.

Leave me alone or I’ll bite you. You don’t talk to me like that!!
Who do you think you’re talking to? Do you keep poop in your hat??
I’m certain your eyebrows have dandruff, your ears are full of cheese.
If I was just two feet shorter, I’d bite the both of your knees.

So there.

And of course, that song would be sung to the tune of “Leave Me Alone Or I’ll Bite You.”

OK, so believe it or don’t I trust that whoever those God people are know better than me so I’ll keep on sending love to all those tolerance testers, whoever and wherever they are. What the world really does need now is Love Sweet Love, and I’ll do my darndest to spread as much Love as I can.

But some folks just won’t be invited for dinner, ya know?

Perhaps I could invite the tolerance testers for something like this:

Of Utmost Importance: My Holiday Requirements for 2025

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Dear Beautiful Everyone,

In keeping with my very own tradition which I have started all by myself on this blog thing; I’d like to ring in the shiny new 2025 Holiday Season with a reminder to you all that the time has once again arrived again once more, yet again and it’s like here already; even though I’ve truly overused the workd “again” in this run-on silly sentence that really only needed to again remind you that this is the time of year with the Ho Ho Ho and the Randolph the Rude Nosed Rain Deer and Frosty the Snotman and of course the Commercials and the Holiday Flatulence Delays during my cat’s friend’s Tree Lighting Matrimony.

In other words, Happy Holiday Season to All Of You, Wherever You Are. And yes, that Right noW I Know I Am capitalizinG words InCoRrEctly but I simplY do that FoR thE fUn of it.

Sew Their.

As many of you may know, it’s around this time that I deliver my Holiday Requirements List For All Humans To Embrace Fully And Without Question. Sure, I’m an old hippie who grew up during the ’60s and have often been dismayed by what seems to be worldwide greed and disparity. However, in my own case of being completely silly and with the full intent of sending a smile or two; I hereby place into print the items I require as gifts for this year.

Actually, I don’t need anything. I’ve been blessed beyond measure with a nice home, and a beautiful family who are both near and far. However: Please note, that although I’m very grateful for everything I have and (for the most part) everyone I know; I still need more stuff and I want you to go get it for me now or perhaps yesterday or the day before. OK? I mean hey, I don’t wanna get nasty or nuttin’ wit you. Just get da stuff like I ask fer it.

Got it?

Good!!

So without delay, here is MY LIST OF HOLIDAY REQUIREMENTS FOR 2025:

A*) Please get 3 of the 17 Liter containers of Uncle Zelnish’s Concrete Polish. I’ve been buffing our sidewalk and driveway for quite some time now and can’t seem to get them shiny.

4n) I need another 7 lbs. of Marvel Mystery Raisin Skin Kaboom. It’s an awesome addition to sauces and also pretty darn good for tire repair. I used every last ounce I had last year, and now I can’t for the life of my find my flashlight or my Swiss Army knife.

c12) For my reading enjoyment, I’ll need an autographed copy of “How To Tell Your Best Friend’s Friend They Have A Booger,” by Dr. Hamilton “Sheila“ Snorkhammer.

x9) I’ve always needed some toenail growth regulators. I really dislike clipping my toenails, especially the ones on the Big Toe. I think there are research quality toenail toasters out there that inhibit fleas. Maybe those will work.

7!) Wow, remember those Zagnut candy bars we used to get when we were kids? I found out those are REALLY GOOD with coffee!! They have them at Cracker Barrel!! Don’t buy me any of those. Instead, just follow me around for a year or so and buy my meal when I go to Cracker Barrel. OK? Yes, and take care of the tip too if you don’t mind. I usually tip on a scale of 133 cents for every dollar spent on the meal; especially when someone else is footing the bill. Please don’t forget that part. That’s fine, thank you.

And finally…

V3) If you call ahead I’ll be very OK with you coming over and cooking up some fried chicken. Holy Moly I love that stuff. Sure, you could cheat and say you are cooking and then drop some Meijer and / or Plumbs fried chicken into a hot pan when I’m not looking. In my professional opinion, Meijer and Plumbs make some of the Best Fried Chicken In The West Michigan Universe. If you accidentally brought some over; this would cause me to salivate profusely and I might even invite you to stay and help me eat it. Maybe.

In the meantime, please tell your friends and family you love them. Or at the very least, show them you love them. You can do that with a smile, a hug, or by simply being kind. Be nice to a stranger. Sing out loud for happy. If you can’t sing, try whistling. Or something. Something good. Be willing to show whoever you may see that in spite of all the bad we hear about the world, there really is quite a lot of good stuff going on.

There really is you know.

Peace and Love to You All.

In case you were wondering, this is how all the stuff gets put together and prepared for delivery.

Happy Thanksgiving!! Oh, And As The Frogs Say…

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I was at the grocery store the other day and saw that turkeys were on sale for 32 cents a pound. Holey Moly!! I can’t believe the holidays are zooming in already!! Wasn’t it September just a few days ago?? The older I get, the quicker the days / months / years seem to pass. A former boss of mine explained this to us years ago with a very wise (and funny) expression: “As the frogs say, time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Soon I’ll be slaving over the turkey / hot dog / cottage cheese casserole… and of course the obligatory mac and cheese laced with pepperoni and pickled beets. Maybe some cream corn with pickled asparagus casserole… you know, the kind with the crunchy onions on top. Oh, and not to forget a couple cans of cranberry sauce stacked up in the middle of the platter to create an elegant presentation. Some folks even take the cranberry sauce OUT of the can!! Then the dessert trays: all those Twinkies to unwrap and place “just so” on the pizza platter… And OH!! Not to forget the Hostess Sno-Balls and Moon Pies. Kool-Aid in fancy plastic cups… you know, the see through kind. A feast fit for a champion cow pie flinger!

HUH?? Oh wait, maybe that was the dream I had after all those liverwurst, bacon, and salami sandwiches. Nothing like a few thousand grams of sodium nitrite to make a nicely hallucinogenic “free movie” dream.

Anywhooo…

Things have changed over the years… our daughter, son-in-law and grandsons will probably spend Thanksgiving with our son-in-law’s side of the family. Doesn’t matter, because we all get together on the Sunday after Thanksgiving when I make our traditional meal with all the trimmings. Believe it or not, I love cooking all that stuff. I do the whole shebang: turkey (duh), bread stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, veggies, pie. All homemade except the pie crusts. I’m just too lazy for that pie crust monkey business. My pumpkin pie is usually made from hubbard squash. Pumpkins are OK I guess, but hubbard squash has much more flavor… almost like sweet potatoes. Pie will be topped with real whipped cream sweetened with local honey. After stuffing our faces we’ll decorate the Christmas tree.

The ritual of preparing all the stuff gives me lots of time to reflect. Starting around Hallowe’en, my Beautiful Girlfriend Wife Person would be cranking the Christmas music. I didn’t mind it; but I’ve always preferred quiet (or maybe some classical music) when I’m “in the zone.” Cook, reflect… cook, reflect. And now that I’m “getting up there,” in my seventies… I of course have many, many memories. My family had lots of loss over the years. One of the most difficult to endure: this will be the second Thanksgiving since my Beautiful Wife left for the Great Beyond a year and a half ago.

For the past several years we’ve had the good fortune of spending Thanksgiving at our dear friend Ruthie’s. Holy Moly that girl can cook. Of course; there are two who will be missing from Ruthie’s Turkey Day: My Beautiful Honey Pie and our dear friend Lew (Ruthie’s hubby).We all miss both of them terribly. However, we can still smile as we enjoy Brussels sprouts made specially in Lew’s honor. Back then, Thanksgiving happened at our house or Lew and Ruthie’s. The last year Lew was still here, it was my year to cook. Lew noticed I was making Brussels sprouts for dinner, and when I asked whether he liked them, and he emphatically used an expletive to describe his feelings: “F*%$ NO!!” We all had a very good laugh over that proclamation. Lew’s passing shifted the traditional meal to Ruthie’s house. Lew has been gone 17 years now (I can hear those frogs talking); and every year Ruthie makes the honorary dish named FN Brussels Sprouts. The initials FN were used to shield the youngsters (who are not so young now) from the profanity.

In spite of the challenges I’ve faced over the past 18 months, I mostly want to say that I’m a very fortunate human. So long as I keep that thought foremost in my brain, life is really very good. I get annoyed at all the commercial hoopla this time of year. However, I’m getting much better at practicing the principle: “accept the things I cannot change.” I do my part in contributing to the family gift pile, but more importantly Thanksgiving kicks off a string of “gratitude days” for me. The holidays have a way of digging up memories of days long gone; and I get pretty mushy this time of year.

I really am blessed beyond measure. Earlier this year, God (whoever they are) put an amazing woman in my life. We both know what a long, happy marriage is, and we both know what the loss of a spouse from such a union is all about. To top it off, before we met in person we both made really sure we had lots of things in common. Couldn’t ask for a better person to share life with through the twilight years! On top of all that, I’m loving retirement, I have a warm, safe place to sleep, plenty to eat, and I even have cars that actually work! All this is pretty luxurious stuff when you think about it. Although I don’t have much extra I do my best to donate to folks who help those who are in need.

I know it’s a bit early, but I sincerely hope all you turkey (and non-turkey) eaters out there have a simply marvelous Thanksgiving. And I truly hope that you are as blessed as I am.

So here comes another Thanksgiving at Ruthie’s house. One year she treated us to “Turducken,” but I don’t think the “duck” part went quite like this…

The Miracle of Healing: Old Ouch vs. Young Ouch

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This past year I turned 71, which of course makes me older than compost. When I was a youngster, dinosaurs still listened to radios with vacuum tubes inside them, and telephones had these weird things called “rotary dials.” Ahh, the good old days. I call them the good old days because when I was a kid it seemed like my body could really take a beating and bounce back for more.

No, this did NOT mean I was out picking fights. I was way too chicken for any of that monkey business. I’m talking about things like riding my big Columbia bike as fast as I could into a hurricane fence, just because I was convinced that this bike was the toughest thing on wheels. Of course, I became airborne when the bike stopped suddenly, but I got away with a few bruises and bumps and went on to the next self-destructive play adventure. Healing up didn’t seem to take too long in those days; and for the most part I could endure lots of bodily clunkings with little residual effect.

But now…

So like there I was, minding my own business, enjoying the luxurious but noisy comfort of the Cub Cadet lawn mowing machine, when I barely brushed past a wild rose bush; and it scratched my skin. Didn’t hurt much… I mean, hey, I knew I was coming up to some thorny stuff. I felt a little scratchy ouching, nothing very intense at all, and a few moments later my arm feels wet. I’M BLEEDING!!! A Lot!! AYYYYYEEEEEE!!! Well OK, I didn’t shriek… but I was amazed at how thin my epidermis has become. Sheesh!! In the “good old days” I would have had a few light scratch marks and maybe just a trace of bleeding.

Oh… and another time… I was playing with our grandson, and decided, “What fun it would be if I ran backwards in a very vigorous manner!!” I said this silently to my self in just that exact way. Or not. Anyway, the next day, my heel hurt like a Giant Squid had impaled me with a Huge Stabbing Thing while I was Using Capital Letters in a Silly and Ridiculous Rant. But seriously, it hurted me awreddy!! Walking was now a very painful endeavor!! Finally went to a physical therapist after a few days, and they said, “Oh, you have plantar fasciitis.” To which I politely replied, “Do what now??” And they explained further, “Yes, you injured the ligament in your heel. Do these stretching exercises and get some inserts for your shoes. In the meantime, be more careful and quit pretending you are 13 years old with the backward zooming ouch happenings.”

They may not have said it exactly that way… but after a few months… MONTHS… the foot thing finally healed up.

Oh yes, another fond memory!! So there I was again, hoping to show how agile I could be, attempting to do a jump to the top of some perfectly usable concrete stairs without actually walking up the stairs. I placed my hands at the top of the concrete staircase… and I’m thinking, “Sheesh, there are only 3 stairs, I shall jump up like a spry kitty cat for the fun of it.” It never occurred to me that perhaps I might smash my shin bone into the top of the steps on the way up. And yes, I made it to the top but WAAHHH HOTCHAMOOFA OY YOY YOY THAT HURT!!! Bad bloody scrapings and bone bonking of the shin area!!! Boy howdy did I feel intelligent upon “completing” such an athletic yet painful task!!

Took several moons for that one to heal properly.

OK. So the moral of the story is: young ouch is better than old ouch. Well sometimes… I suppose it depends on how big the ouching is. And yes, even though I don’t like it much, I am very aware that my body can’t take the punishment it once endured. Oh, and yeah, I can’t jump higher than a bullet or run faster than a speeding building either.

So I’m much more careful. I’m too young to die.

But as the great Henny Youngman used to say: “Doctor!! It hurts when I do this!! So the doctor says, ‘DON’T DO THAT!!’”

“Get Your Head Out Of Your A_ _ _”

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Don’t be frightened by the title… this is and always shall be a “family site;” meaning no smut or cussing allowed. Believe it or don’t, if the letters were not blanked out; there still would be no cussing… if you look closely you’ll notice that the last word has 4 letters (the A plus 3 blanks) instead of the naughtier 3.

Anyway, ever admire someone even though you’ve never met them? Well, before retirement, each day I’d pass by the Glenpark Animal Hospital here on my way to work. They have one of those signs that allow them to change the letters; and they did so regularly. Sometimes the message was serious; like reminders for folks to treat their furry friends for fleas and heartworms. Other times, it was rather amusing; like:

“STOP ANIMAL TESTING: THEY DON’T PAY ATTENTION AND GET WRONG ANSWERS.”

Or…

“FREE KITTENS AND MIRACLE CURES ARE FALSE ADVERTISING.”

There were many more funny ones, but those two stuck in my mind for some reason. My overall favorite was:

“GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR APPS.”

That one made me laugh bigly; and even though I’ve seen “bigly” in use on the interwebs, it’s not even a real word; but then again neither is “interwebs,” but both of these fake words are fun to say and type, and additionally it gives me an excuse to write a long overdue run-on sentence that rambles along like a chicken with no DVD player; all the while using commas and semicolons in a most confusing but almost grammatically correct manner.

But who cares… let’s get back to the removal of one’s head from their apps. You see, I was a computer flunky for many Earth years; and a techno-flunky before that. I’ve seen a few changes along the way… from state of the art vacuum tube equipment to the amazing solid state (that’s old speak for “no vacuum tubes”) stuff we have today. Have you ever smelled a vacuum tube? Don’t put it in your nose while it’s warm!! OUCH!! Oh yeah… the apps thing. Sorry, I’m easily distracted.

As devices became more portable, of course more and more people started carrying them around. Got to the point where many folks wouldn’t go anywhere without their battery powered stuff. And of course a few more Earth decades passed; ushering more and more radical change as the Earth times became the now times.

Huh??

Yes, have some.

So here we are, in the digital age, where personal privacy seems to be rapidly losing its importance. I say this because as more and more people install more and more apps on their phones; more and more information about their shopping habits, whereabouts, even recreational tendencies is being given away to be scooped up by marketeers and in some cases, fraudsters. Folks everywhere are seen with their noses nearly smudging their smartphone screens; and they are often so involved with their device that they’ve become oblivious to their surroundings.

So even though I laughed bigly at the notion of folks being told to get their heads out of their apps; I admired the Glenpark Animal Hospital for the urging. Might be a good idea for all of us in these “Modern Times” to pay less attention to techno-toys and more attention to.each other. Maybe do something really crazy like leave the phone in the house and go outside for a nice visit with Mother Nature.

Just a suggestion…

Speaking of “Modern Times,”  I really need to watch that movie with my grandsons.  Here’s one of the technological “miracle machines” from that Charlie Chaplin classic…