Author Archives: Ken Hansen

Retirement Is Hard Work!

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So here I am, working at what I’ve always worked for all my life, being retired, not needing to take any jobs to make ends meet, and now that it’s been a little over 6 years and I can really relate to what the “old timers” used to tell me: “I am so busy now I don’t know how I ever had time to work!!”; and now I wonder do I put the semicolon inside the quote or outside because this run-on sentence is big but I needed to include the exclamation marks because hey, I wanted to emphasize that I often find myself with no time!!

Whew!

I had no idea what retirement would bring. My only goal was to be able to coast as long as possible without “working for the man” (or the woman) (hey I’ve had a few female bosses) (and now there are too many parentheses) (but I don’t care). So far, I’ve been able to be just fine without doing any work stuff for supplemental income. I am very grateful!!

Something is wrong, however. The days are zooming past my nose with great zippy fast kaboom all gone the days of quick time passing already!! And that may or may not even be a good way to describe it!! But I don’t care because I enjoy using words to make funny!! So there!! I mean, it seems like only yesterday it was COVID outside, and recently I was able to hug several friends at a gathering without freaking anyone out.. Another example of how time has flown.

My career as a “techie” has paid off in many ways, but it has also posed some very interesting challenges during retirement. After having endured many system changes and upgrades of networks and replacement of equipent I’m being a bit rebellious and I’m holding on to devices that work just fine but I sometimes get mocked by friends who have much newer stuff but when I tell them my “brand new iPhone 8” works just fine they look at me funny and maybe even wonder why I really need to make such a long sentence describing all of this when I could probably be quick about it; and if some of you are annoyed by the length of this second run-on sentence, well I just need to tell you something.

Tough beans!!

On the other hand, you have the vegetable garden. Makes my hands very dirty and I love every minute of it. I am an organic gardener, meaning I do not use any manufactured fertilizers or pesticides. All the soil building materials come from the dump. Yep. I put garbage by the trailer load in my dirt and wait for it to stop stinking. NO!! No, that’s wrong!! I do go to the dump (the politically correct term is transfer station) for fertilizer: free mulch in the form of leaves and lawn clippings. After 42 years of adding these to what was basically beach sand under the turf, I’ve been able to convert very sandy soil into a rich growing medium. And no, there is no such thing as “bad leaves” for the garden. When the worms are happy, the soil is happy.

Anyway, gardening can be very time consuming if you want to get a decent harvest. It’s always been a labor of love for me; and before retirement I had grandiose dreams of having a picture perfect garden. Guess what?? Uh uh. Nope. This year in particular, the amount of plantings has been scaled way back due to travel and other time consuming (but fun) activities. But hey, I’ll still get food: beans, potatoes, tomatoes, Swiss chard, garlic (lots of garlic), popcorn, hopefully some squash. But there are some unruly corners of the garden that are infested with catnip, milkweed, lambs quarters, purslane, even some clover. But you know what? It’s very OK. If I had nothing else to do, my garden may (or may not) be free of weeds. People think I’m nuts when I tell them that “weeds are guardians of the soil.” It’s true you know. Their root systems prevent erosion while adding organic matter to the soil. Weeds provide habitat for spiders and other beneficial creatures. And when the catnip is flowering, pollinators of all sorts come a-runnin’. Ever see a hummingbird moth?? So amazing!! And not to forget the milkweed that feeds Monarch butterfly caterpillars. We’ve even enjoyed the fact that plants like lambs quarters and purslane are very edible.

Since we are social people, our calendar has filled up quickly. That’s good, right?? Better to be wanted and loved than to have people shudder at the mention of your name! Of course there are lots of other things that keep me occupied on this 5 acre homestead of ours. Maybe someday I’ll even get brave and clean up the clutter bomb that exploded (very slowly) in my garage!! Or do something really radical like declutter my office!! Are you picking up on a clutter pattern here?? Oh well, retirement really is awesome. And yes, “I’m so busy now I don’t know how I ever had time to work.”

And I really like it!!

On the other hand, you have Dinosaur Dinner Theatre…

What Color Is Twelve?

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I’ve been very busy thinking about the world and all its problems. In doing so, I’ve become increasingly aware that I cannot solve much… but what I can do is try the very best I can to improve the environment I find myself in at any given time. I try to be kind and loving to every soul I meet. I also do my best to respect Mother Nature. So anyway I feel I’ve learned a few things over the years; and have gathered some words of wisdom I wish to present to you at this time for your reading pleasure.

I may have made some of these up…

0!) First rule: don’t sweat the small stuff. Second rule: Everything is small stuff.

z) Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

    L) You can pick radishes before they are ripe, and they will still be red.

    6) I’ve learned to be grateful for my big nose… it keeps my feet dry when it rains.

    @) If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you peaches, make applesauce.

    14) Listen… do you smell something?

    8x) I keep my snacks in folders so I can organize them according to calorie content.  However, some snacks are not easily folded.

    &) Some Of The Most Delicious Snacks In The Previous Entry Item (8x) Are Capitalized To Enhance Their Complete Lack Of Nutritional Value.

    Bu) Only the best Yo Vonkeny may be stored under the Mizzlepop Trees.

    r9) I really need to quit stuffing donuts in my ears. But they are so soft!!

    Woo) My window snakes can’t jump anymore; but on a scale of 1 to 34 it smells like root beer is my favorite color of the alphabet.

    And finally, that age-old proclamation of mine:

    It’s always better to be you than for you to be me; and although you can count to it, EIGHT is a word.

    Thank you for enduring this horribly inflammable laundry hallucination. May you always be cheerful and incredibly crinkly during your remaining Earth years.

    I’m going back to bed now, but not until after the video.

    Sincerely But Inexpensively Yours,

    Halvert Bonklesnorts
    Inventor of Dead Trees

    Only You Can Prevent… Climate Change??

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    Holy moly, it certainly is holy smoky outside. Smokey Bear is probably crying much of the time these days. All the terrible wildfires in Canada and northern U.S. Very sad indeed. And whether we’d like to admit it or not, it’s basically all our fault.

    Huh??

    No, I’m not trying to say all these fires were started by humans. Some of them were, but many were caused by lightning. Hot, dry summers are creating tinderboxes in many of our woodlands with very unfortunate results.

    No, what I’m getting at is this pretty well known scientific fact that human activities are causing our lovely planet to heat up. We burn too many fossil fuels, we remove too many forests, and we raise too many livestock; and all these endeavors are causing greenhouse gases to get trapped in the atmosphere. The result, the Earth is warming up.

    Here’s a site that sums it all up quite nicely:

    https://maweb.org/what-are-some-human-activities-that-contribute-to-global-warming

    So what can we do?? Well there are lots of things, but we’ll all have to work together to make any dents in the warming trend that has already become quite evident. Here is my own personal list that may or may not give you some ideas of steps we can take to mitigate global warming.

    1. Eat less macaroni and cheese (the kind in the box). Bet you didn’t expect that to show up on the list!! Well think about it: making the macaroni involves using energy, packaging it uses energy, and producing all the “cheese” (God only knows what all those chemicals are) also consumes energy. Then the product has to be shipped… more energy use. In other words, eat fewer processed foods.
    2. Buy fewer toys. Am I a buzzkiller or what?? I can’t help myself, especially when it comes to techie toys. For why do I say this? Well I retired from IT, and my long career in technology has pointed out something very striking to me: we humans could survive very nicely with stuff that just works. I mean, do we really need an iPhone 29 ½?? Yes, I know that model hasn’t come out yet. But my “brand new” iPhone 8 has worked just fine for 9 years… I did get a new battery installed last year but otherwise it works very well. A friend of mine was complaining she couldn’t add a certain app on her aging phone because the IOS was not the latest and greatest version. My phone won’t do the newest version either… and my philosophy is simple: if I can make calls, sent texts, and go on the interwebs, there are lots of apps I can do without.
    3. Drive less. Use public transit, a bicycle, or even walk. Automobile exhaust is a big contributor to global warming. Some of us can’t or maybe just won’t drive less. Well in that case, at the very least get a more fuel efficient vehicle. Less gas burned equals fewer emissions.
    4. Mow less. Am I an agitator or what?? I can hear the moaning: “Oh sure, now he’s trying to steal our lawns!!” Maybe just mow less often? Maybe make the area you mow a bit smaller? Maybe quit using fertilizers and weed killers… all those chemicals are pretty harmful ya know. Maybe plant some trees?? Am I a pain in the hiney yet??
    5. Oh here’s a weird one: VOTE. Go to the polls and vote for folks who understand how vital Mother Nature is to our survival. She can’t speak for herself you know… it’s up to us. Well OK, she actually does speak for herself, but it sure doesn’t feel like enough people are listening.

    Well there are a lot more suggestions I’d love to impart, but I’ll hop down off the soap box now. Sure, there are no easy answers; but all the stuff I just ranted about is by no means new information. But when I think about the origins of Earth Day and the all too prevalent lack of regard for our environment; I get a little sad inside.

    Let’s try to work together on this. Smokey Bear would appreciate it.

    An Urgent Notification To People And Other Creatures

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    Dear Homosapiens,

    Please tell yourselves and any other creatures you may know that I’m writing to inform you that love is the most useful activity in which we can indulge. As you may already know, love includes tolerance, kindness, friendship, smiling, hugs, and courtesy as important and nourishing parts of everyday life. Oh gosh, did I say important and nourishing??

    Yes I did.

    You see, my professional opinion is that love is not merely something desirable as a way of living, but it is also quite necessary and nourishing for the soul. Therefore I feel it’s important to love each and every creature, plant, and even soil particle with every fiber of our being. We are all part of this entity we call Nature, are we not?? Love is what ties us all together; and if you don’t believe me, please feel free to ask me some time.

    Does this mean that we must open our homes to invite hardened criminals or other nasties into our homes for a nice meal?? We could, I suppose, but I know of some folks who I likely will never invite to my house. However, I really do try to remember that we are all children of the Universe and we therefore all deserve to be loved unconditionally. My sincere belief is that we are all interconnected, so it’s important for me to realize that negative energy releases toxic vibrations into the Universe. Criminals and other sadly afflicted individuals already have more than enough negativity stuffed into their nostrils and other body passages. It’s important for me to regard such types as spiritually ill, and pray for them until the cows come home if necessary. If the cows don’t come home, I pray all the more. Heck, I pray even if the cows have been home for a very long time!

    In other words, I believe I should love everyone; but that doesn’t mean I must like them.

    These ideas were at one time completely foreign to me. When I was younger and much more foolish, I would sometimes revel in the idea that it was OK to label someone as a jerkface stinkerbutt. I would sometimes even try to vent my feelings with single-fingered sign language while driving by in my car. Or perhaps I would seriously entertain the thought of offering them some Dog Poop Surprise for a snack. At the very least, I would find myself judgemental and often resentful of the person’s mere existence. This is all very bad juju.

    Now I am much older and (I hope) a little less foolish.

    Thankfully, I received what I refer to as a gift of desperation a few decades ago that helped me realize my judgemental and resentful tendencies were not at all healthy. Bottom line: I really needed to grow up!! I sought and received help from professionals and loving friends, and am happy to say that I’m feeling pretty content 99.9% of the time. When the other 0.1% tries to creep in between my ears, I focus on being grateful. Even if things seem icky, it’s a rare day when I cannot I enumerate at least 5 things for which I can be thankful. And of course when I start getting into the “jerkface stinkerbutt” mode, I pray for the person (or people) to be happy and healthy all the day long.

    Sometimes I have to pray several times.

    As I mentioned, I needed to grow up; and that endeavor is and always will be a work in progress. These days I find peace of mind much more valuable than money or any other material blessing I might find lying around the house. I’m especially grateful I have people in my life who are like minded, loving souls.

    Life is good; and I hope and pray it is good for all of you.

    “And now,” as Mr. Cleese used to say, “for something completely different.”

    Ummm Umm I Don’t Know

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    Once upon a time, our grandsons were visiting again, and as was the tradition for Friday night, I asked their input for some Happy Friday!!! story ideas. Often I couldn’t transcribe their bantering quickly enough, but that night I had to do a significant amount of nudging. I asked Gabe first, and his immediate response was, “Ummm ummm I don’t know.” Ollie didn’t have much to offer either.

    Then, I illustrated the magic of “talk to text” on my iPhone. I opened Notes, and hit the microphone icon and started talking. This can be quite a lot of fun for a silly child like me, because if I utter complete gibberish the phone does its best to translate my weirdness into actual words. Example: after saying a slew of nonsense with mouth and vocal cords, I got the following: Giovanni on Christo room act able to roam if Nick and eat Cambord on Fandor me qua Dodd both back.

    Not sure if “qua” or “Dodd” are words. I’m still a child in old man’s clothing so I actually engage in this silliness while texting to friends or family. Some renditions are much funnier. However, my daughter has beseeched me not to text here in that way because when I do she becomes concerned about my mental fitness.

    Anyway… I thought I’d try to get the brainstorms rolling by telling my phone: “My cat is doing a science project on me and it’s preventing me from sleeping properly.” Ollie’s face lit up a bit, and he immediately replied, “Your cat’s name is Boogle by the way.” Then I asked him to continue, again with the microphone active on the phone. “I can’t think of anything but that is not what I thought of,” Ollie said.

    “What kind of magazines do snakes eat?” I asked. Ollie replied, “Mice flavored or other small rodents. But the flavor’s not really actual mouse flavor, it’s more like like fake banana flavoring or fake cherry. Not really an actual fruit flavor.”

    Then I turned to Gabe. “Really right for you how many pounds of dog food do you eat every day?” is apparently what the phone thought I said. Gabe answered, “25.” Then I mentioned that 25 pounds is a lot of dog food!! So I continued, “Yes but how much baloney can you stick in your nose?” I asked. “25 phones,” Gabe replied.

    Back to Ollie. I wondered aloud, “When radios calibrate themselves what color are their nostrils?” The phone was sure that Ollie’s answer was: “I see you like a mix between Hughes and a sky blue!” I continued the query: “What are spaghetti molecules made of ?” Ollie said, “Well I mean I don’t know but they’re rather delicious. Not sure I want to know.”

    So my friends, these were the types of discussions that never occurred at our house. Please do not try to derive any hidden meaning from this small box of brownie mix, it will merely confuse your pets and they may even try to teach you molecular mapping during your nocturnal napping.

    Or not.

    On the other hand, you have the old masters…

    The Strange And Mysterious World of Domestic Physics

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    There have been some verrry strange happenings at our house.  We apparently live in a nether region where inanimate objects behave in ways not understood by modern physicists. Things I’ve observed over the years made me wonder whether there was a small possibility that our cat, our dogs,  and perhaps even the humans have influence over the physical properties of stuff.  But this cannot be possible, because all the living beings at the homestead have always vehemently denied any such involvement.

    Here are some examples of the types of physical anomalies I’ve observed over the years:

    1) Garbage cans have force fields over the opening that can selectively disallow trash from being deposited inside.

    Proof of this presents itself in the form of garbage that lies all around the outside of the trash can, but the can is nowhere near full. Note to the reader: it may also be possible that the force field affects objects AFTER they have been placed in the garbage. Trash particles are apparently ejected on occasion, especially in “the bathroom zone.”

    P) Garbage is often invisible until brought up in conversation.

    This phenomenon was especially prevalent when the kids were still young and living at our house. Example: I’d arrive home from a hard day at the computer mines, and when I’d walk in, a plastic milk carton would greet me at the door with that stupid plastic carton look. Lots of humans are buzzing about, and are completely unaffected by the milk jug’s very smug attitude as it lies there on the floor. As I wonder why it’s not in the recycling, I can almost hear its taunts… “Ha ha, they can’t see me!” So, I say to my son, “Why is this milk carton on the kitchen floor?” “I didn’t see it,” he replied.

    9) Gravitational forces are much stronger on expensive, fragile objects.

    Only the good stuff seems to get broken, for some unknown reason. Cheap junk made of the crummiest glass can zoom from atop the refrigerator and come away unscathed, while expensive candle holders and other fine breakables are destroyed in no time flat. Often these events of mysterious destruction occur when no one is anywhere nearby. Perhaps they are killing themselves in some obscure religious fanaticism that involves jumping off shelves shortly after purchase. However, I am more inclined to believe that this is either a strange gravitational phenomenon, or possibly the notorious Notme or Idunno rascals that Bill Keane described in that popular newspaper comic (remember newspaper comics??) “Family Circle.”

    c12) Dog poop can camouflage itself, and hides insidiously as it waits for new shoes.

    This is especially true of the poop from very large dogs, because although there is not a leaf to be seen on the lawn, humans can walk in areas that appear to be completely safe but are in fact quite hazardous. Unsuspecting pedestrians can take the most stringent precautions and still discover that the soles of their new shoes have been disgustingly soiled. However, I must admit that poop camouflage has amused me on more than one occasion, especially when I see that silly squint as the victim begins a frantic foot rubbing dance on “clean” grass.

    Unless it’s me.

    Well, as you can see, there are very frightening occurrences in our neck of the woods. I could go on and on, but that would spoil the book which probably won’t be written, and that of course would be much longer than this here chunk of text. Be careful if you decide to come visit, as I am not able to verify the stability of anything these days. For all I know, at least two scenarios might be in store for you… maybe more. Either Notme and Idunno will plot horrible things in anticipation of guests; or gravity, the lunar phase and the aurora will band together to cause very expensive knick-knacks to self destruct for no apparent reason.

    More on this as it develops… in the meantime, I’ll just have to take my chances in our small corner of this mysterious universe. Maybe put fly paper on the outside of the garbage cans so they will catch the trash as it tries to escape. Oh, and I think I’ll install pillows under all those fancy shelf thingies.

    May I have my medicine now?

    Speaking of physics, I’d love to have Grampy’s mastery over stuff…

    An Open Letter To Mr. or Ms. Human Person

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    Dear Person,

    I hope you are well, and that you and your pets (real or imaginary) are having great satisfaction with whatever it is you are doing during the wee hours of Yes Perhaps Maybe which of course began on Jangulary 34, 2017.7 under all those leaky sinks that have never been polished since that gigantic snowstorm we never had in our living room. Do you know what I mean??

    I have absolutely no recollection of these things.

    However, I am fully aware that we can rebuild America with goat inspection tools and fried bilge pumps. You of all people should know what I’m screaming about when I place my hand in the large pot of boiling Tootsie Roll bladder worms! Don’t try to give me that sheepish, innocent gumdrop gesture that I can neither see nor smell from here. I know full well what you’re up to, Mr. or Ms. Human Person!! Why can’t you just learn to yodel under water like all the normal giblet baskets?? Do you think you’re special or something (well, you are, whether you like it or not)?

    Do you know who this is?? Do you know who you’re talking to??

    Well I know exactly who it was. He was here with his pet vinegaroon, boldly going where no plant has grown before. You see, there are things that can be snipped into small bark flavored candy snacks, and there are other socket wrenches that simply don’t know how to spell “boink.” You simply have to be patient with the chocolate slide and jump off to Monico when you’ve discovered those silly Colorado M&Ms. You know the place… they have snot on the mountain tops.

    As you enjoy this new and underwhelming decade of happiness, I must impart upon you my great knowledge; which I have spent many years of careful research and verbosity to inject. My great wisdom that I have learned (and for that matter, am still learning) from my many hours on this Planet We Call Zingletroan (PWCZ) is simply this, and I quote:

    “I don’t know anything.

    I never did know anything.

    But now I know I don’t know anything!!”

    I quote this from my favorite Christmas movie “Scrooge,” the one from 1951 starring Alistair Sim. I say it often, and when I go to “those meetings” I proudly announce that in addition to being allergic to ethanol (makes me break out in traffic violations) I’m also trying to recover from Mr. Know It All Disease. My friends are all very slowly crawling away when they hear this, and they show their amplification by offering me large wads of crumpled potato skins in exchange for the contents of my wallet. Immediately following such a transaction, I gladly tell them how to reach an undesirable destination and also provide instructions on how they might occupy their time once they arrive.

    In closing, I would very much like to tell you all something that I am having difficulty outlining with very fat crayons. So I guess I just won’t say anything further; but I will indeed further my career as Chief Mustard Acrobat at the amazing clock factory I keep in my kitchen cabinets.

    Sincerely (but not entirely) yours,

    Melvin G. Yankpopper

    a.k.a. “Purplefoot Giggletoss”

    Ready, Set… Comfort Food!!!

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    Once upon a time my amazing partner Debi and her theater friend Connie didn’t leave yet but pretty soon they will be heading to Noo Yawk City to see a bunch of Broadway shows and she asked me if I wanted to go and I said “Well, I’m way behind in the garden so not right now;” and then she asked if I was OK with her going and I said “Sure;” and so she and Connie are heading out Sunday night late for a choo choo train ride to The Big Apple but the train tracks are kaputt so they have to take a bus (YUCK) to Toledo but they will have the train all the way home and don’t you think I should cease and desist with this run-on sentence awreddy??

    Yes, I should; so I will. *Whew!!* that’s better.

    Anywho-how, I will be left unsupervised for a week with her dog Zippy and my two cats Luna and Ivy Anne. I may or may not choose to party down in her absence. Who am I fooling?? I will indeed party down!! You see, Debi and I were raised on different food things while growing up. She has always been vegetarian… and I have always been an omnivore. Well, not always. My wife and I were vegetarian for many moons during the first several years of our marriage. We also enjoyed numerous meatless meals even after we resumed eating meat. Although I’m very satisfied with vegetarian meals (I’m the cook); I sometimes get a hankering for the food that comes from dead animals.

    Mmmm yesss… I found a package of shrimp in the freezer yesterday. That will definitely be on the menu sauteed with garlic and fresh garden greens. Maybe have it with the frozen leftover vegetarian jambalaya I made last week. And I believe I’ll get me some freshly harvested fried chicken that was picked from those amazing fried chicken bushes by carefully trained artisans at the local grocery store deli. Yes, that would be truly delicious. Of course, if I am foolish enough to eat at home, Luna the Psychic Fried Chicken Addict (she’s a cat, remember?) will magically appear at my feet with wide eyes and eager anticipation of a handout. Luna will undoubtedly be swiftly followed by Zippy and then Ivy Anne will beg in last place. Each will get a portion of my comfort food cache.

    Gee I wonder how they got so darn spoiled??

    Oh yes my friends, there will be serious partying going on in Bear Swamp next week. I may even accidentally go to Family Dollar for a bag of Wise potato chips. That there’s soul food from when I was a kid on Long Island!! Never expected to find them in Beautiful West Michigan but I stumbled upon them a few years ago. Oh yeah, I almost forgot the Vernors ginger ale from the local Speedway gas station. They even let me buy Cheetos and the Reese’s crunchy chocolate bar things, Peanut M&Ms!!

    I also may accidentally get an ice cream cone or two or twelve or perhaps nineteen.

    I’ll been having a grand old time burping loudly and not even saying “Excuse me!” Ha ha on everyone who will not be present to enjoy my melodious belches!! Since you will not be invited to the belch party, please be aware that I do not intend to share my comfort foods with anyone but the three fur babies. It’s just too bad for the likes of youse!! Later on, I might even treat myself to a Marx Brothers movie!! And why not, my amazing partner and her friend will be over 700 miles away and they can’t stop me!! Nyaa nyaa na boo boo!!

    This kind of partying is far superior to the kind I once… um.. enjoyed? I say, “enjoyed?” with a question mark because there were all too many times I was ingesting intoxicants under the premise of having fun, when in fact I was really harming myself. All that youthful partying began with fun, then fun became mixed with poor choices; produced serious problems.  The last portion of my journey into mind altered oblivion ushered in some even worse choices; so that part of the ride was anything but fun. I truthfully do NOT miss those times. Fortunately I received what I refer to as a “gift of desperation” that gave me the ability to find paths to recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. Life is very good these days, so my cholesterol party is more than enough enjoyment for me; thank you very much.

    To paraphrase Robin from the 1960s Batman series, “Holy Cholesterol, Batman!!”

    Several rock stars (and other folks of course) have had similar intoxicant partying journeys, all too many are dead. Most of the ones who survived, however, have changed their ways; and one guy by the name of Richard Starkey is a favorite of mine. His stage name is Ringo Starr, and he had some fun with part of his story in a catchy little tune known as “The No No Song.”

    Vegetarian “Jambalaya” ??

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    Ummm no, I don’t think there’s any such thing as vegetarian jambalaya. So for all youse purists out there, please don’t spit on the screen when I tell you that I made a dish that I’m calling Vegetarian “Jambalaya.” See how I did that?? I put “Jambalaya” in quotes because it’s make-a-believe Jambalaya.

    Ha ha!! I laugh now!!

    You see, it’s like this: Mike, my brother from another mother, has been kind enough to do my taxes for the last several years. He refuses to take any money for this huge favor, so when I ask “What would you like in return for doing taxes this year?” the response often involves food. That’s very OK with me… I really like food. So this year, he requested jambalaya; and last weekend on Mothers Day I finally got off my hiney and made up a batch of Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya from a recipe I downloaded about 16 years ago. Because I love each and every one of youse, you can click on the image below and go to Emeril’s site for some nice carnivorous jambalaya ideas.

    Well boys and girls, you may well ask, “So what’s up with this Vegetarian ‘Jambalaya’ stuff?? Anyhow??” Well you see, it’s like this: my amazing partner Debi and I each lost our spouses at different times together. Neither of us wanted to remain alone for our last years, so we went to www.ourtime.com in search for a possible companion. After thorough interrogation (a week’s worth of multi-hour phone calls), we checked every box we could think of and decided we’d go ahead and meet in person. During one of the calls, she said, “I need to tell you something about myself that you might not like.” My brain said “Uh-oh,” but my mouth said, “What’s that??” “I’m a vegetarian,” she replied. My response: “Oh!! No worries, my wife and I were vegetarian for several years. I know how to do that.” She was relieved to know that I also like to cook, because she does not.

    When I made the “meat lover’s” jambalaya for our Mothers Day gathering, it came out pretty darn good. Complemented it with a nice salad. Wasn’t sure if the grandsons would go for jambalaya, so I also made pizza… one with meat and one without. Just wanted to make sure that nobody, including Debi, was left wanting. So then I says to myself, “Hey you with the face!! I bet you could make some jambalaya without meat!!” And by golly I did, and it tasted pretty darn good.

    Fortunately for me, Debi is vegetarian, but not vegan. Otherwise I’d have to get me some new cookbooks!! For those who don’t know, that means she will eat eggs and dairy products.

    And again, because I love each and every one of youse, please click on the image below if you’d like to have my recipe for Vegetarian “Jambalaya”.

    Well I hope you try some jambalaya some time, whether it’s carnivorous or vegetarian. But regarding vegetables, if any of them are suspected of committing a crime, just remember that the mice are probably to blame. If you don’t believe me, just watch this very informative cartoon!!

    An Anonymous Greeting To All Friends, From Me

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    Dear Purple Trees,

    Because I consider all of you the very best of friends, I just wanted to write a note to let you know how much love is stored for each and every one of you in this 7 trillion gallon container that sits on my mantle each and every stinking day.

    As you know, dirt has been falling from our ceilings for at least 13 minutes, and all oatmeal is beginning to taste a lot like Christmas. After all, who would have guessed that the cats could use a grease gun for a nutritious Moose Hammer??

    OH MY GOD!!! Those marshmallows are sucking the wax out of my ears again!! This is no time to visit Mars for crying out loud!! Get back in this coffee jar and start twinkling!! What, do you actually think you can let the air out of a person’s fingernails and suddenly become blonde??? SHEESH!! It’s like you don’t even WANT to bite clam shells!!

    I feel it’s my duty to report that my cats were trying to elevate their level of consciousness the other day by trimming their whiskers with a pencil eraser. Not sure why they chose a yellow raisin filter instead of a fluffy carpet hamper, but now both of them have kidneys that glow in the dark. We have actually resorted to covering them with a large garage opener so we can sleep at night.

    They are not amused.

    I’m sure I can speak sincerely when I say that my sneakers smell rather like Antarctic lobsters lying in a hot October softball casserole. So, if you ever get an overwhelming desire to sleep with a casserole, please wait until the October sneaker lobsters smell like your favorite crunchy cabbage cookies. That oughta show those sneakers who’s boss!!

    OK my dear friends, it’s time for me to rotate my Cottonelle Instant Breakfast. I do hope that none of you continue to lick newspapers until the cows come back to Vegas.

    I’m glad that all of you are, because if you were not, you would not be, and I’ve always been happy to see that each and every one of youse really are indeed being. (You have probably been being all along but never even knew it!!)

    Have you seen my carbon flavored waffle socks?? I seem to have misplaced my dandruff torch.

    Peace, Love, and Indivisibility,

    Kenny Picklewort

    a.k.a. “Cecil Snackwonder”

    Well… after that intense does of nonsensical angularity, perhaps you would now enjoy some more sensible cantaloupe toenails. This video will in no way soothe your dusty snouts.