Dear Person,

I hope you are well, and that you and your pets (real or imaginary) are having great satisfaction with whatever it is you are doing during the wee hours of Yes Perhaps Maybe which of course began on Jangulary 34, 2017.7 under all those leaky sinks that have never been polished since that gigantic snowstorm we never had in our living room. Do you know what I mean??

I have absolutely no recollection of these things.

However, I am fully aware that we can rebuild America with goat inspection tools and fried bilge pumps. You of all people should know what I’m screaming about when I place my hand in the large pot of boiling Tootsie Roll bladder worms! Don’t try to give me that sheepish, innocent gumdrop gesture that I can neither see nor smell from here. I know full well what you’re up to, Mr. or Ms. Human Person!! Why can’t you just learn to yodel under water like all the normal giblet baskets?? Do you think you’re special or something (well, you are, whether you like it or not)?

Do you know who this is?? Do you know who you’re talking to??

Well I know exactly who it was. He was here with his pet vinegaroon, boldly going where no plant has grown before. You see, there are things that can be snipped into small bark flavored candy snacks, and there are other socket wrenches that simply don’t know how to spell “boink.” You simply have to be patient with the chocolate slide and jump off to Monico when you’ve discovered those silly Colorado M&Ms. You know the place… they have snot on the mountain tops.

As you enjoy this new and underwhelming decade of happiness, I must impart upon you my great knowledge; which I have spent many years of careful research and verbosity to inject. My great wisdom that I have learned (and for that matter, am still learning) from my many hours on this Planet We Call Zingletroan (PWCZ) is simply this, and I quote:

“I don’t know anything.

I never did know anything.

But now I know I don’t know anything!!”

I quote this from my favorite Christmas movie “Scrooge,” the one from 1951 starring Alistair Sim. I say it often, and when I go to “those meetings” I proudly announce that in addition to being allergic to ethanol (makes me break out in traffic violations) I’m also trying to recover from Mr. Know It All Disease. My friends are all very slowly crawling away when they hear this, and they show their amplification by offering me large wads of crumpled potato skins in exchange for the contents of my wallet. Immediately following such a transaction, I gladly tell them how to reach an undesirable destination and also provide instructions on how they might occupy their time once they arrive.

In closing, I would very much like to tell you all something that I am having difficulty outlining with very fat crayons. So I guess I just won’t say anything further; but I will indeed further my career as Chief Mustard Acrobat at the amazing clock factory I keep in my kitchen cabinets.

Sincerely (but not entirely) yours,

Melvin G. Yankpopper

a.k.a. “Purplefoot Giggletoss”

Ummm no, I don’t think there’s any such thing as vegetarian jambalaya. So for all youse purists out there, please don’t spit on the screen when I tell you that I made a dish that I’m calling Vegetarian “Jambalaya.” See how I did that?? I put “Jambalaya” in quotes because it’s make-a-believe Jambalaya.

Ha ha!! I laugh now!!

You see, it’s like this: Mike, my brother from another mother, has been kind enough to do my taxes for the last several years. He refuses to take any money for this huge favor, so when I ask “What would you like in return for doing taxes this year?” the response often involves food. That’s very OK with me… I really like food. So this year, he requested jambalaya; and last weekend on Mothers Day I finally got off my hiney and made up a batch of Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya from a recipe I downloaded about 16 years ago. Because I love each and every one of youse, you can click on the image below and go to Emeril’s site for some nice carnivorous jambalaya ideas.

Well boys and girls, you may well ask, “So what’s up with this Vegetarian ‘Jambalaya’ stuff?? Anyhow??” Well you see, it’s like this: my amazing partner Debi and I each lost our spouses at different times together. Neither of us wanted to remain alone for our last years, so we went to www.ourtime.com in search for a possible companion. After thorough interrogation (a week’s worth of multi-hour phone calls), we checked every box we could think of and decided we’d go ahead and meet in person. During one of the calls, she said, “I need to tell you something about myself that you might not like.” My brain said “Uh-oh,” but my mouth said, “What’s that??” “I’m a vegetarian,” she replied. My response: “Oh!! No worries, my wife and I were vegetarian for several years. I know how to do that.” She was relieved to know that I also like to cook, because she does not.

When I made the “meat lover’s” jambalaya for our Mothers Day gathering, it came out pretty darn good. Complemented it with a nice salad. Wasn’t sure if the grandsons would go for jambalaya, so I also made pizza… one with meat and one without. Just wanted to make sure that nobody, including Debi, was left wanting. So then I says to myself, “Hey you with the face!! I bet you could make some jambalaya without meat!!” And by golly I did, and it tasted pretty darn good.

Fortunately for me, Debi is vegetarian, but not vegan. Otherwise I’d have to get me some new cookbooks!! For those who don’t know, that means she will eat eggs and dairy products.

And again, because I love each and every one of youse, please click on the image below if you’d like to have my recipe for Vegetarian “Jambalaya”.

Well I hope you try some jambalaya some time, whether it’s carnivorous or vegetarian. But regarding vegetables, if any of them are suspected of committing a crime, just remember that the mice are probably to blame. If you don’t believe me, just watch this very informative cartoon!!

Dear Purple Trees,

Because I consider all of you the very best of friends, I just wanted to write a note to let you know how much love is stored for each and every one of you in this 7 trillion gallon container that sits on my mantle each and every stinking day.

As you know, dirt has been falling from our ceilings for at least 13 minutes, and all oatmeal is beginning to taste a lot like Christmas. After all, who would have guessed that the cats could use a grease gun for a nutritious Moose Hammer??

OH MY GOD!!! Those marshmallows are sucking the wax out of my ears again!! This is no time to visit Mars for crying out loud!! Get back in this coffee jar and start twinkling!! What, do you actually think you can let the air out of a person’s fingernails and suddenly become blonde??? SHEESH!! It’s like you don’t even WANT to bite clam shells!!

I feel it’s my duty to report that my cats were trying to elevate their level of consciousness the other day by trimming their whiskers with a pencil eraser. Not sure why they chose a yellow raisin filter instead of a fluffy carpet hamper, but now both of them have kidneys that glow in the dark. We have actually resorted to covering them with a large garage opener so we can sleep at night.

They are not amused.

I’m sure I can speak sincerely when I say that my sneakers smell rather like Antarctic lobsters lying in a hot October softball casserole. So, if you ever get an overwhelming desire to sleep with a casserole, please wait until the October sneaker lobsters smell like your favorite crunchy cabbage cookies. That oughta show those sneakers who’s boss!!

OK my dear friends, it’s time for me to rotate my Cottonelle Instant Breakfast. I do hope that none of you continue to lick newspapers until the cows come back to Vegas.

I’m glad that all of you are, because if you were not, you would not be, and I’ve always been happy to see that each and every one of youse really are indeed being. (You have probably been being all along but never even knew it!!)

Have you seen my carbon flavored waffle socks?? I seem to have misplaced my dandruff torch.

Peace, Love, and Indivisibility,

Kenny Picklewort

a.k.a. “Cecil Snackwonder”

Well… after that intense does of nonsensical angularity, perhaps you would now enjoy some more sensible cantaloupe toenails. This video will in no way soothe your dusty snouts.

Something has gone afoul over the years. My body somehow seems to be in some sort of rebellion against activity!! And the rebellion seems to be getting more and more vociferous as time passes. This probably has been happening gradually over the years, but seems like it’s a bit more frequent these days. Might be due to becoming a septuagenarian 2 years ago. Two years!! Sheesh!! By the way, if any of youse “youngstahs” are reading: no, a septuagenarian is not a person who has difficulty waiting for September to arrive.

What?? You knew that??

Oh.

Septuagenarian… hmmm… sounds like a person who is a caretaker at a wildlife preserve or something.

So there I was, minding my own business, 2 years ago, turning 70, and thinking, “Wow, this is kinda weird!! My brain says I’m in my 30s but my body is not looking that way at all!! And what the HECK is all this hair growing in my ears?? And the balding… sheesh, is the hair migrating or something?? And my joints seem to think they need to report with a ** POP ** every time I move!! And sometimes it hurts me awreddy!! Oh… and do I have an expiration date now??”

Yes, my brain thing said exactly those things.

So last month I turned seventy two years old… wow. You know what that means, right?? Yep… I was 15 when Woodstock was happening. Oh, you didn’t think about that one? Well of course not, why would you? Just because it was like 57 years ago… YIKES!!! So… 72… you know what that means, right?? Yep… now I can enjoy Medicare!! Yee haaaa!!! And I’ve been retired for 5 years awreddy!!! Maybe I’m getting old (?). As I tell all the “kids” (people much younger than me): I can clearly remember when The Beatles came to America on the Mayflower!! It was pretty doggoned exciting really.

OK, so I’m 72. Sheesh again!!! I hear my ankles pop when I get out of bed. My hip hurts and I don’t know why. The other day I lifted something that wasn’t even heavy, and my wrist has pain like someone ran it through with a giant ice pick. I go to bed, maybe take some aspirin, and feel fine in the morning. Then I go to do something else that never bothered me and something else says ouch now!! Several of my friends are complaining about similar occurrences.

This should not happen to gentle people like us!!

There was a time when I was scared out of my brain thing of getting really old. Now I’m doing my to be grateful for each moment of each day. I’m still physically able to do what I did when I was 30. Sometimes it takes longer, and sometimes it hurts. Sometimes both. But I don’t have to look far to realize that there are many, many souls on this planet that are way worse off than me. I’m blessed to be able to say I’m a very fortunate person.

Now it’s getting late outside, and I’ll be going to bed soon. Tomorrow is another day that I’m sure will be full of more snap, crackle, and pop adventures. That’s right friends, my body is starting to sound like a big bowl of Kellogg’s Rice Crispies.

No added milk required!!

Being old isn’t so bad… just hope I don’t end up like The Old Man Of The Mountain…

An Open Letter To All Earthling Human Folks

Dear Nazneltroans,

As I’ve lamented previously, I’m finding the news consistently grinkly these days, and although I have invented every single solution to every single problem in the whole universe, I will not be so arrogant as to suggest that I have invented every single solution to every single problem in the whole universe; but instead will begin this odorless document with a deliciously colorful, black and white run-on sentence that has likely already begun to annoy your eyeballs with liberty and justice for all.

In other words, if you choose to read any further, I will offer a few strange utterings that I consider to be nonsensical stress removal tools. These will be presented to all of you free of charge, as I beseech you to realize that such wackadoodles have many times prevented me from suffering cranial explosions while sleeping in the closet.

Awk, awk!!

You see, when I was very young I discovered that silliness can be a wonderful distraction from events that were horrible, yet were completely out of my control. It was during my early childhood that I began a quest for stress relief; and because Mom planted me in front of the TV shortly after exiting the womb (1954 in my case), my research led me to such trusted resources as The Marx Brothers, The Three Stooges, Red Skelton and many similar amplified flavor crystals. The result of my studies have not completely alleviated my need to cry at times, but my learnings have certainly proven that laughing is very helpful.

Please pass the cabbage!!

Now that I’ve lost your attention, please remember not to pick my dog’s nose with a small Chevy convertible. Why would you enjoy throwing chowder at the wall?? Of course, when goldfish ovulate there is a very loud “BROOP” sound. But this is no excuse for tying licorice to the mailbox.

So many times I’ve reflected! Other times I’ve simply absorbed. The physics of nuisance vegetables can be mind crackling; with a subtle hint of gasoline. Did you know if you mix German chocolate monkey soup with very small pieces of asparagus, the Tooth Fairy will induce vomiting in Walmart at 10:47 PM this coming Sunday? Obviously this will renew all rake handles in the Baby Poop Forest.

Well Dear Friends, please allow me to bury all your tableware during our next visit. In fact, each time we press bologna into the underside of an apple, large toothpicks seem to imbed themselves in my slime candles. I know this may seem odd; but if my magnetic toaster makes any more gravy noises, I fear the neighbors will begin “The Cat Straightening Ritual” with renewed vinegar.

OK. Now that you’ve been totally immersed in rice lava; please remain aware that in spite of all of the insanity swirling about on planet Earth, the mere fact that you are a person gives me great cause to beam several billion metric lumens of love to you, whether you like it or not.

Yes.

I once read a quote that, “Nature is God’s reflection.” I’ve often uttered this quote at various gatherings. Upon hearing me say it, some wisenheimer said to me, “So Ken, that means all of us are part of that reflection, right?” And of course I had to agree. Therefore, I consider it my responsibility to love everyone. Yes, EVERYONE. So I do my best to follow through on that premise.

However, there are some humans in this world that I likely will never invite for dinner; ya know what I’m sayin’??

Alrighty then. I would like to close by sending all of you sincerely heartfelt happy gestures and smiles that can be smelled for hundreds of millimeters. This, of course, is spite of my strong belief that next winter may have a strong yellow odor. Not to worry, all can be cured with a healthy dose of Milk of Amnesia.

Thank you; and for goodness sake, please stay crinkly.

Yours with great indigestion,

Kenny “You Gonna Eat That??” Floopengrouk

And now for some fun clips…

So there I was, minding my own business, crying inside at the state of the world what with the war and all and the climate change and more and more expensive everything and hoping we can all survive this; and please PLEASE start working together to treat all we meet with love and kindness; and now of course I’m wondering if this run-on sentence will ever stop; but then I realized that I’m the only one who can stop it.

So I did.

Then my dear Debi said to me, “Hey, did you hear about the cockroaches that eat each others’ wings so they can be mates for life??” And of course I had not heard of this… but sure enough, there it is on the interwebs, and you can if you want to read about it click here to see it in Science News. So yes, these cockaroaches really do eat each others’ wings as a way to bond and fend off any other possible suitors.

Isn’t that special? Maybe humans could adopt that strategy as a way to keep an eternal bond during the matrimonial universe of their relationship. It certainly beats taunting each other. And no, I didn’t misspell cockroach. Know why? It’s on this authority: when I was a kid on Long Island, Noo Yawk we would abuse the use of such roaches’ names by teasing each other thusly: “Crybaby cockaroach nyaa nyaa na boo boo!!” This of course was sung to the tune of “You Are A Stinkerbutt Nyaa Nyaa Na Boo Boo!!”

None of the cockaroach wing munchings can really pull me out of the funk that the events of the world have slapped into my nostrils. Therefore, I will conclude this week’s silly blog thing with some very silly transcriptions of actual text messages I’ve sent to my coworkers during my tenure as a factory support computer geek boy. So without any further ado, here are the messages for your enjoyment.

By applying mustard on my cat’s eyebrows, I can feel confident his festive appearance will give him great joy among his peers.

Tonight I plan to enjoy a nice dinner of Cream of Dogfood Soup with a grilled Kibbles ‘n Bits sandwich.  All this will precede a raucous 3 hour session of barking at the moon.

Not sure who the culprit is so I’m asking everyone:  please stop substituting my mustard with the Purple Sludge.  The fridge is starting to vibrate between 2 and 3:37 AM.

Tomorrow’s breakfast:  Please prepare some shrimp on the half shell with a side dish of deep fried moth tongues.  I’ll wash it down with a nice avocado / eggplant smoothie; after which I’ll run for the men’s room.  Thank you!!

And as a final entry for today:

Happy Friday!!  May your ears enjoy delicious flavors; and may your nostrils flutter softly in the breeze.

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

Kenny

And now for the video fun stuff:

Well my dear ones, here we are in another unnecessary war. As the old John Prine song goes, “Jesus don’t like killin’ no matter what the reason’s for.” Rather than lament about all that icky stuff, I dug up a very silly story I wrote for my grandsons several years ago. So without further ado, I present to you:

The Adventures Of Gribblit And Yobo

Once upon a time, there were two finkle snarns named Gribblit and Yobo. Both of them enjoyed eating dust while watching their favorite dogfood fly into small cars. There were times when they enjoyed this so much, they would jump up and down about 14 times and roll some cabbage across the road. If they got too loud, their Mom would come outside and say, “Hey you two!! What do you think this is?? Some kind of radio hammer?” After Mom said things like that, they decided they’d better be good for at least 12 more seconds.

Last Tuesday, Gribblit came home from frog washing school and was laughing a lot. Yobo asked, “What’s so funny?” Gribblit laughed some more and said, “My cheese sandwich keeps finding pennies in people’s hair!!” Yobo didn’t think that was really funny, but he wanted to get a penny finding sandwich like Gribblit had. Yobo said, “Can you teach my sandwich how to find money? I’d really like to buy a new carrot saw so I can cut my carrots faster. Oh!! And I sure would like to have one of those battery operated nose cleaners!!”

Gribblit wasn’t sure he could teach a sandwich how to find money. So instead he told Yobo, “Well to be honest, I never taught my sandwich anything. It just started finding money on its own. But I’ll tell you what, I bet if we carry some sticks over to Mr. Camel’s house he can teach us how to make an ear brush!” Yobo crinkled his eyebrows and told Gribblit, “I think maybe you are fooling me. Everyone knows Mr. Camel doesn’t brush his ears, he licks them.” Gribblit said he was sorry, and showed Yobo a handful of pennies. “OK, well maybe we could go to the ice cream shop and I’ll buy you some chicken wire. That way we can use it to catch spiders on their way to the movies!!”

Yobo popped his doogle zinker and said, “Well all my spider friends will be very angry if you try to stop them from going to the movies. We better go to the House of Hamburgers and buy some jingle bells instead. That way we can signal the trees before they cross the road so they won’t get hit by large trucks.” Yobo also said, “After we jingle our tree signals, we can sit down for a nice glass of hot pepper juice and some pickled newspapers.”

So, Gribblit and Yobo had another very nice day that made absolutely no sense to either of them. But they stayed friends; and found out that no matter how many marbles you sing songs to, there will always be more birds who don’t like living in a cave. They will also remember that hot pepper juice doesn’t really taste very good with pickled newspapers. However, fried hammer handles can be pretty darn tasty.

As Grandma Foo Foo Looba once said, “Please, just don’t eat my kitchen door.”

The End

OK… and now because I’m an old hippie, here are some protest songs. I often put more than one video (or song) at the end of each “Happy Friday!!!”… but some folks have expressed surprise and have missed some stuff. Well there are 3 this time.

Just sayin’

What a beautiful time of year, don’t you think? It’s finally getting warm in Michigan, the ground and the sky will soon both be grey, the temperature is just warm enough to keep snow from falling and just cold enough to make your cheeks red. Spring is nowhere near yet, and the drudgery of winter is really beginning to wear on me and I’m thinking maybe you too. A great time to celebrate love, don’t you think??

It really IS a good time, actually. Don’t know how it came to be, but February 14 is the perfect time to celebrate warmth and care. Especially here in the temperate zone where spring is like a cake baking in a land far, far away. You can’t smell it yet, but you know Aunt Zelda is probably mixing up a wonderful batch that will be filling the air with fragrant bugs and flowery bird droppings from migratory species.

HUH??

You see, it’s like this… I for one need a nice warm fuzzy holiday at this time of year. I’m sick up and fed with the weather already. It’s a pain in the vinegaroon right now (click on that “vinegaroon” word… you’ll be amazed), and if we don’t get some kind of indication what season it is REALLY supposed to be, I will eat that big pile of dirt over there. See it? That pile of dirt?? Ha ha, I can’t eat it, it’s still frozen. Get my drift now?? Winter doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going. Weird weather… that so-called El Nino thing I guess. Warm one minute and cold the next. I’ve seen goldeneyes (migratory diving ducks) in the river flats, so I guess maybe spring is on the way. Seems like a long way off though. It’s above freezing in the daytime and brrrr-cold at night.

This is me, whining.

Anyway, my professional opinion is: the timing for Valentine’s Day is perfect. We need some warmth… and Valentine’s Day is a warm, fuzzy symbol of love. As I write this today, Friday, February 13, I can’t help thinking… this year is even more special than last year. Know why? Because this Valentine’s Day isn’t here yet, and last year’s is gone. See how I figured that out?? Isn’t that remarkable?? You know, it’s that carpe diem thing.

Sneeze the day.

Seize the sneeze.

Bless you!

Thanks!

Anyhow, Happy Valentine’s Day to all who find these words in front of your eye things. You needn’t have a sweetheart for this holiday… it’s a celebration of love, doggone it! A good excuse to do something nice, just for because. Sell a monkey some used pencils at three for a penny, for example. Or else grind up some beef flavored oatmeal and give your dog a nice treat for supper. Better yet, give all the objects in your home a really endearing nickname and offer to buy them snacks and beverages. If you want to be REALLY weird, do something nice for someone and don’t let them know who did it!

Maybe Valentine’s Day is simply God’s (whoever they are) way of giving us a little reminder that we can be warm and loving on more than just Christmas. Whatever. Just have some fun, be nice and maybe even tell someone you love them. Oh, and don’t eat too much chocolate.

Save some for ME.

Speaking of Love…it’s really all you need, don’t you think? Well… yes, absolutely.

Dear Zandenbiffles,

This is to inform you that although you are now finished singing “Jingle Bells” while gargling potato salad, there will be no further ritual slayings of moldy couches in your behalf. The local law enforcement agencies have informed me that this practice is being filmed and used for soft drink commercials. We have therefore decided to laugh loudly in their faces; and tell them that their mommies are singing marshmallow songs while they go to the potty.

Ha! Ha-ha on those guys! Ha!

I was in the store yesterday and they ran out of fried pickles again. Very upset, I was, to enjoy the lasting flavors of well done deep fried dills no more:

Deep fried dills,

Deep fried dills.

One a-penny, two a-penny,

Deep fried dills.

When the fish come to visit,

We stick them in their gills.

One a-penny, two a-penny,

Deep fried dills.

That was something that came to me in a dream.

I remember chewing on a package of freshly fried pickles, wondering how they would taste if only I could get the stupid bag open. I finally laid the package down, and my cats promptly threw it in the woodstove. They have less than fond memories of me mixing diced dills into their Nine Purina Frisky Lives brand “Tuna, Oatmeal, And Dumplings; Specially Made Edible, Great, and Magically Awesome” (abbreviated T.O.A.D. S.M.E.G.M.A.) dinner in a can. They love that stuff. Personally, I don’t see how they can eat that crap.

Well, enough about delicious foods.

Let’s talk about the pajama crisis, shall we? Unfortunately, as I’m sure you are aware, the supply of pajamas has fallen far short of the demand. Many people have been improvising to overcome the shortage, using household items to fabricate sleepwear. Paper shopping bags seem to be the most popular material, but I have heard numerous complaints of the tape working loose during the night and sticking to rather embarrassing places.

This is easily remedied, of course, by first coating the skin liberally with petroleum jelly to avoid having the tape stick. Another solution is to spray yourself from head to toe with cooking spray just before bedtime. Where there’s a will, there’s a large soggy donut, I always say. Besides, Burger King bags make nice hats. Try it sometime. Take the food out first. Or not!! Perhaps you’d like to be called silly names like: you crazy Food-Head! Onion Ring Eyes! Here, come here and let me give you a Hamburger Haircut! I’m sorry. I don’t normally hurl food-based name insults in such a molecular manner.

I don’t know what came over me.

OK, so now I’m smelling something, but during the same time span during the exact same instance of momentary quiet solitude that I smelled whatever it was during a moment of silent reflection, and I could see myself in your china. That’s very sparkly, if I must say so myself. If I must not, please tell me so before tomorrow. Tell me something right now, but save some of it for a surprise. I like surprises. SURPRISE!! Were you surprised? I wasn’t, and I couldn’t even see the word until I typed it!

There’s something to ponder now, isn’t it? Words are invisible until they are seen. We can talk invisibly, especially over the phone. But people who talk are not necessarily invisible; except sometimes. I mean, when someone who is not blind says, “I never get to see you anymore,” does this mean I am vanishing? Holy cow, that scares me! Wait, I have to go check a mirror!/a…,D>AffL”AFsd-0fop ;, 112 alright, cat, get off the keyboard! Can’t I even do an invisibility check without you messing with the computer??

Well, it’s OK. I can see myself, and although I appear to be a little less than three-dimensional, the mirror says I’m there. I grabbed my nose just to make sure. Didn’t pick it though. If I did, I sure as heck wouldn’t tell you anyway.

Now, my friends, is the time for me to stop. My Silly Battery is oozing strange powdery wooden camel hairs, and that means I must change into my Rugman suit and chase the evil Mog-Woller out of the pillow factory. Don’t forget to tell yourself something before you forget to remember not to forget about whatever it is you were supposed to remember. Where are my socks? They said hello to me this morning. Oh nevermind.

MAY LOVE SURROUND YOUR SOUL WITH GREAT WARMTH AT ALL TIMES.

Sincerely and Wholeheartedly yours,

Vigniss Pefflewonk

a.k.a. “Slush Fund Eleanor”

OK! Let’s watch some silly streamings…

Well holy moley. This year has started off with much weeping and gnashing of teeth, and I don’t know about youse kids but this here kid is not only about to embark upon a run-on sentence, but I’m gonna repeat the Serenity Prayer at least 187 times per second, possibly for the next 3 years if necessary unless things in our world change abruptly which of course doesn’t seem likely so I guess I’ll just do that prayer I just mentioned and in case you are don’t knowing what it is I will present it to you at this time:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

And then I read / listen to / watch the news and I say, “Oy yoy yoy!!” and I pray some more.

But on the other hand, I hope you have 5 fingers but even if you do not, I still love you. And because of that, I thought I’d share some very silly thoughts that came out of my brain and onto the keyboard during my work years. My work friends and I were in the IT computer universe, so the job got a bit hectic at times. In other words, stress would cause us to roll on the floor while drooling and singing songs backwards.

Those of you who know me are aware that I am often silly. Therefore, my “go-to” reaction to stress is to write nonsensical ha ha stuff. Text messaging software is a marvelous tool for “spreading the cheer,” so to speak, and by golly that’s just what I did. I sent at least one silly message a day to many of my friends, using cut-and-paste to plop my silly stuff, one text at a time, to my peers. Was this a good use of work time?? YES!! My professional opinion: if work is no fun, find another job, am I right??

One of my friends asked me, “Are you saving these?? You could make a book!!” So lo and behold, I made a document and started saving them. So without any further ado, I’m gonna share some with you. I’ve categorized them with a little title on each little ditty. Hope these help you stay distracted for just a little while.

OK… here goes:

Mastodons

In prehistoric times, Neanderthals employed Mastodons plow their fields.  However, they also learned that Mastodons only understood “ugga bugga,” a language that never existed.

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Vote For Me!!

In the upcoming 2026 election, I’m running for Resident of The United States. Although I have 71 years of experience, I don’t care about the number of votes.  Just kick in to my fund raising campaign at www.kakahead.com

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My Cat

By applying mustard on my cat’s eyebrows, I can feel confident his festive appearance will give him great joy among his peers.

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Barking At The Moon

Tonight I plan to enjoy a nice dinner of Cream of Dogfood Soup with a grilled Kibbles ‘n Bits sandwich.  All this will precede a raucous 3 hour session of barking at the moon.

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Mustard

Not sure who the culprit is so I’m asking everyone:  please stop substituting my mustard with the Purple Sludge.  The fridge is starting to vibrate between 2 and 3:37 AM.

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Shrimp

Tomorrow’s breakfast:  Please prepare some shrimp on the half shell with a side dish of deep fried moth tongues.  I’ll wash it down with a nice avocado / eggplant smoothie; after which I’ll run for the men’s room.  Thank you!!

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Noodles

None of my noodles fizz anymore.  Therefore, I have concluded that my pasta harvesting rake is defective.

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Growing Hair

I’ve decided to grow my hair out of follicles instead of pulling it out of those tiny access hole thingies.  Besides, everyone knows that chocolate does not grow on fleas.

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Raisin Bran

My least favorite food additive is carbon fiber monoxide.  It’s supposed to keep me “regular,” but it’s made by filtering auto exhaust through a bowl of raisin bran.  It’s also illegal to make this product everywhere except on the subtropical island of Okka Pitoo.

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Used Muffins

During my retirement I may need some supplemental income.  I will have used muffins for sale by the pound.  These are multipurpose:  serve them to your least favorite people or add them to the soil in flowerbeds or beneath shrubs (not recommended in the vegetable garden).

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And last but probably also least…

Happy Friday

Happy Friday!!  May your ears enjoy delicious flavors; and may your nostrils flutter softly in the breeze.

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

Kenny

Well I hope that helped. Just to make sure, here comes a silly cartoon.