I’ve been very busy thinking about the world and all its problems. In doing so, I’ve become increasingly aware that I cannot solve much… but what I can do is try the very best I can to improve the environment I find myself in at any given time. I try to be kind and loving to every soul I meet. I also do my best to respect Mother Nature. So anyway I feel I’ve learned a few things over the years; and have gathered some words of wisdom I wish to present to you at this time for your reading pleasure.

I may have made some of these up…

0!) First rule: don’t sweat the small stuff. Second rule: Everything is small stuff.

z) Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

L) You can pick radishes before they are ripe, and they will still be red.

6) I’ve learned to be grateful for my big nose… it keeps my feet dry when it rains.

@) If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you peaches, make applesauce.

14) Listen… do you smell something?

8x) I keep my snacks in folders so I can organize them according to calorie content.  However, some snacks are not easily folded.

&) Some Of The Most Delicious Snacks In The Previous Entry Item (8x) Are Capitalized To Enhance Their Complete Lack Of Nutritional Value.

Bu) Only the best Yo Vonkeny may be stored under the Mizzlepop Trees.

r9) I really need to quit stuffing donuts in my ears. But they are so soft!!

Woo) My window snakes can’t jump anymore; but on a scale of 1 to 34 it smells like root beer is my favorite color of the alphabet.

And finally, that age-old proclamation of mine:

It’s always better to be you than for you to be me; and although you can count to it, EIGHT is a word.

Thank you for enduring this horribly inflammable laundry hallucination. May you always be cheerful and incredibly crinkly during your remaining Earth years.

I’m going back to bed now, but not until after the video.

Sincerely But Inexpensively Yours,

Halvert Bonklesnorts
Inventor of Dead Trees

Dear Buttonpopplers,

This letter is to address the desire / craving / need you never expressed regarding a cool yet refreshing beverage that is both fluffy and indigestible during working hours. I’m happy to report that I have invented a new and irresistible dust flavored soda made of wholesome, all natural components we have all learned to tearfully disintegrate.

I’m calling my new drink “BOOF!!,” which must always be spelled with inverted angle iron bedazzled with very appealing frost covered pebbles. “BOOFF!!” gets its amazing flavors from only the most exceptional, fruity, crunchy laundry water which is carefully harvested from environmentally sanctioned veterinary noodles. The texture of this amazing drink is in no way similar to cotton candy that’s been uncarefully blended with fermented popcorn. However, the swirling purple strands gyrating in the bright orange liquid is truly convulsive to even the most die-hard soda pop guzzling professionals.

We’ll be packaging “BOOF!!” in only the finest recycled dish detergent containers. This method has been found ineffective in destroying harmful bacteria and other toxic organisms, especially those named “Piffy” or “Zonikula.” An added benefit is, of course, the flavor enhancements that are derived from the hyperpolysyllabic cultural centers of Bonkyootalvoningabibnia and Haverstanky-Wofflekaboomerang.

Nobody ever goes to either of those imaginary places.

So my friends, please do not remind me of what I was actually supposed to convey here. I’ve been writing this important announcement in my sleep and I do not wish to be disturbed by any regurgitation noises after you’ve finished drinking several gallons of “BOOF!!” Why you would even purchase such a product is a complete mystery to me. Of course, I also am profoundly mystified by thoughts of how many fingernail fragments I’ve discarded over the years.

Is there a container large enough in my garage for all those clippings?? I just don’t know!!

Please be well. Oh and by all means, please remember: DON’T DRINK “BOOF!!” It is likely to make you to barf on the ground.

Insincerely yours,

Vorgnoot Jibbleflapper

Your very pungent neighbor

This may be EXACTLY how “BOOF!!” is made. Or maybe not at all!!

Holy moly, it certainly is holy smoky outside. Smokey Bear is probably crying much of the time these days. All the terrible wildfires in Canada and northern U.S. Very sad indeed. And whether we’d like to admit it or not, it’s basically all our fault.

Huh??

No, I’m not trying to say all these fires were started by humans. Some of them were, but many were caused by lightning. Hot, dry summers are creating tinderboxes in many of our woodlands with very unfortunate results.

No, what I’m getting at is this pretty well known scientific fact that human activities are causing our lovely planet to heat up. We burn too many fossil fuels, we remove too many forests, and we raise too many livestock; and all these endeavors are causing greenhouse gases to get trapped in the atmosphere. The result, the Earth is warming up.

Here’s a site that sums it all up quite nicely:

https://maweb.org/what-are-some-human-activities-that-contribute-to-global-warming

So what can we do?? Well there are lots of things, but we’ll all have to work together to make any dents in the warming trend that has already become quite evident. Here is my own personal list that may or may not give you some ideas of steps we can take to mitigate global warming.

1. Eat less macaroni and cheese (the kind in the box). Bet you didn’t expect that to show up on the list!! Well think about it: making the macaroni involves using energy, packaging it uses energy, and producing all the “cheese” (God only knows what all those chemicals are) also consumes energy. Then the product has to be shipped… more energy use. In other words, eat fewer processed foods.
2. Buy fewer toys. Am I a buzzkiller or what?? I can’t help myself, especially when it comes to techie toys. For why do I say this? Well I retired from IT, and my long career in technology has pointed out something very striking to me: we humans could survive very nicely with stuff that just works. I mean, do we really need an iPhone 29 ½?? Yes, I know that model hasn’t come out yet. But my “brand new” iPhone 8 has worked just fine for 9 years… I did get a new battery installed last year but otherwise it works very well. A friend of mine was complaining she couldn’t add a certain app on her aging phone because the IOS was not the latest and greatest version. My phone won’t do the newest version either… and my philosophy is simple: if I can make calls, sent texts, and go on the interwebs, there are lots of apps I can do without.
3. Drive less. Use public transit, a bicycle, or even walk. Automobile exhaust is a big contributor to global warming. Some of us can’t or maybe just won’t drive less. Well in that case, at the very least get a more fuel efficient vehicle. Less gas burned equals fewer emissions.
4. Mow less. Am I an agitator or what?? I can hear the moaning: “Oh sure, now he’s trying to steal our lawns!!” Maybe just mow less often? Maybe make the area you mow a bit smaller? Maybe quit using fertilizers and weed killers… all those chemicals are pretty harmful ya know. Maybe plant some trees?? Am I a pain in the hiney yet??
5. Oh here’s a weird one: VOTE. Go to the polls and vote for folks who understand how vital Mother Nature is to our survival. She can’t speak for herself you know… it’s up to us. Well OK, she actually does speak for herself, but it sure doesn’t feel like enough people are listening.

Well there are a lot more suggestions I’d love to impart, but I’ll hop down off the soap box now. Sure, there are no easy answers; but all the stuff I just ranted about is by no means new information. But when I think about the origins of Earth Day and the all too prevalent lack of regard for our environment; I get a little sad inside.

Let’s try to work together on this. Smokey Bear would appreciate it.

Dear Homosapiens,

Please tell yourselves and any other creatures you may know that I’m writing to inform you that love is the most useful activity in which we can indulge. As you may already know, love includes tolerance, kindness, friendship, smiling, hugs, and courtesy as important and nourishing parts of everyday life. Oh gosh, did I say important and nourishing??

Yes I did.

You see, my professional opinion is that love is not merely something desirable as a way of living, but it is also quite necessary and nourishing for the soul. Therefore I feel it’s important to love each and every creature, plant, and even soil particle with every fiber of our being. We are all part of this entity we call Nature, are we not?? Love is what ties us all together; and if you don’t believe me, please feel free to ask me some time.

Does this mean that we must open our homes to invite hardened criminals or other nasties into our homes for a nice meal?? We could, I suppose, but I know of some folks who I likely will never invite to my house. However, I really do try to remember that we are all children of the Universe and we therefore all deserve to be loved unconditionally. My sincere belief is that we are all interconnected, so it’s important for me to realize that negative energy releases toxic vibrations into the Universe. Criminals and other sadly afflicted individuals already have more than enough negativity stuffed into their nostrils and other body passages. It’s important for me to regard such types as spiritually ill, and pray for them until the cows come home if necessary. If the cows don’t come home, I pray all the more. Heck, I pray even if the cows have been home for a very long time!

In other words, I believe I should love everyone; but that doesn’t mean I must like them.

These ideas were at one time completely foreign to me. When I was younger and much more foolish, I would sometimes revel in the idea that it was OK to label someone as a jerkface stinkerbutt. I would sometimes even try to vent my feelings with single-fingered sign language while driving by in my car. Or perhaps I would seriously entertain the thought of offering them some Dog Poop Surprise for a snack. At the very least, I would find myself judgemental and often resentful of the person’s mere existence. This is all very bad juju.

Now I am much older and (I hope) a little less foolish.

Thankfully, I received what I refer to as a gift of desperation a few decades ago that helped me realize my judgemental and resentful tendencies were not at all healthy. Bottom line: I really needed to grow up!! I sought and received help from professionals and loving friends, and am happy to say that I’m feeling pretty content 99.9% of the time. When the other 0.1% tries to creep in between my ears, I focus on being grateful. Even if things seem icky, it’s a rare day when I cannot I enumerate at least 5 things for which I can be thankful. And of course when I start getting into the “jerkface stinkerbutt” mode, I pray for the person (or people) to be happy and healthy all the day long.

Sometimes I have to pray several times.

As I mentioned, I needed to grow up; and that endeavor is and always will be a work in progress. These days I find peace of mind much more valuable than money or any other material blessing I might find lying around the house. I’m especially grateful I have people in my life who are like minded, loving souls.

Life is good; and I hope and pray it is good for all of you.

“And now,” as Mr. Cleese used to say, “for something completely different.”

Dear Person,

I hope you are well, and that you and your pets (real or imaginary) are having great satisfaction with whatever it is you are doing during the wee hours of Yes Perhaps Maybe which of course began on Jangulary 34, 2017.7 under all those leaky sinks that have never been polished since that gigantic snowstorm we never had in our living room. Do you know what I mean??

I have absolutely no recollection of these things.

However, I am fully aware that we can rebuild America with goat inspection tools and fried bilge pumps. You of all people should know what I’m screaming about when I place my hand in the large pot of boiling Tootsie Roll bladder worms! Don’t try to give me that sheepish, innocent gumdrop gesture that I can neither see nor smell from here. I know full well what you’re up to, Mr. or Ms. Human Person!! Why can’t you just learn to yodel under water like all the normal giblet baskets?? Do you think you’re special or something (well, you are, whether you like it or not)?

Do you know who this is?? Do you know who you’re talking to??

Well I know exactly who it was. He was here with his pet vinegaroon, boldly going where no plant has grown before. You see, there are things that can be snipped into small bark flavored candy snacks, and there are other socket wrenches that simply don’t know how to spell “boink.” You simply have to be patient with the chocolate slide and jump off to Monico when you’ve discovered those silly Colorado M&Ms. You know the place… they have snot on the mountain tops.

As you enjoy this new and underwhelming decade of happiness, I must impart upon you my great knowledge; which I have spent many years of careful research and verbosity to inject. My great wisdom that I have learned (and for that matter, am still learning) from my many hours on this Planet We Call Zingletroan (PWCZ) is simply this, and I quote:

“I don’t know anything.

I never did know anything.

But now I know I don’t know anything!!”

I quote this from my favorite Christmas movie “Scrooge,” the one from 1951 starring Alistair Sim. I say it often, and when I go to “those meetings” I proudly announce that in addition to being allergic to ethanol (makes me break out in traffic violations) I’m also trying to recover from Mr. Know It All Disease. My friends are all very slowly crawling away when they hear this, and they show their amplification by offering me large wads of crumpled potato skins in exchange for the contents of my wallet. Immediately following such a transaction, I gladly tell them how to reach an undesirable destination and also provide instructions on how they might occupy their time once they arrive.

In closing, I would very much like to tell you all something that I am having difficulty outlining with very fat crayons. So I guess I just won’t say anything further; but I will indeed further my career as Chief Mustard Acrobat at the amazing clock factory I keep in my kitchen cabinets.

Sincerely (but not entirely) yours,

Melvin G. Yankpopper

a.k.a. “Purplefoot Giggletoss”

Ummm no, I don’t think there’s any such thing as vegetarian jambalaya. So for all youse purists out there, please don’t spit on the screen when I tell you that I made a dish that I’m calling Vegetarian “Jambalaya.” See how I did that?? I put “Jambalaya” in quotes because it’s make-a-believe Jambalaya.

Ha ha!! I laugh now!!

You see, it’s like this: Mike, my brother from another mother, has been kind enough to do my taxes for the last several years. He refuses to take any money for this huge favor, so when I ask “What would you like in return for doing taxes this year?” the response often involves food. That’s very OK with me… I really like food. So this year, he requested jambalaya; and last weekend on Mothers Day I finally got off my hiney and made up a batch of Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya from a recipe I downloaded about 16 years ago. Because I love each and every one of youse, you can click on the image below and go to Emeril’s site for some nice carnivorous jambalaya ideas.

Well boys and girls, you may well ask, “So what’s up with this Vegetarian ‘Jambalaya’ stuff?? Anyhow??” Well you see, it’s like this: my amazing partner Debi and I each lost our spouses at different times together. Neither of us wanted to remain alone for our last years, so we went to www.ourtime.com in search for a possible companion. After thorough interrogation (a week’s worth of multi-hour phone calls), we checked every box we could think of and decided we’d go ahead and meet in person. During one of the calls, she said, “I need to tell you something about myself that you might not like.” My brain said “Uh-oh,” but my mouth said, “What’s that??” “I’m a vegetarian,” she replied. My response: “Oh!! No worries, my wife and I were vegetarian for several years. I know how to do that.” She was relieved to know that I also like to cook, because she does not.

When I made the “meat lover’s” jambalaya for our Mothers Day gathering, it came out pretty darn good. Complemented it with a nice salad. Wasn’t sure if the grandsons would go for jambalaya, so I also made pizza… one with meat and one without. Just wanted to make sure that nobody, including Debi, was left wanting. So then I says to myself, “Hey you with the face!! I bet you could make some jambalaya without meat!!” And by golly I did, and it tasted pretty darn good.

Fortunately for me, Debi is vegetarian, but not vegan. Otherwise I’d have to get me some new cookbooks!! For those who don’t know, that means she will eat eggs and dairy products.

And again, because I love each and every one of youse, please click on the image below if you’d like to have my recipe for Vegetarian “Jambalaya”.

Well I hope you try some jambalaya some time, whether it’s carnivorous or vegetarian. But regarding vegetables, if any of them are suspected of committing a crime, just remember that the mice are probably to blame. If you don’t believe me, just watch this very informative cartoon!!

Dear Purple Trees,

Because I consider all of you the very best of friends, I just wanted to write a note to let you know how much love is stored for each and every one of you in this 7 trillion gallon container that sits on my mantle each and every stinking day.

As you know, dirt has been falling from our ceilings for at least 13 minutes, and all oatmeal is beginning to taste a lot like Christmas. After all, who would have guessed that the cats could use a grease gun for a nutritious Moose Hammer??

OH MY GOD!!! Those marshmallows are sucking the wax out of my ears again!! This is no time to visit Mars for crying out loud!! Get back in this coffee jar and start twinkling!! What, do you actually think you can let the air out of a person’s fingernails and suddenly become blonde??? SHEESH!! It’s like you don’t even WANT to bite clam shells!!

I feel it’s my duty to report that my cats were trying to elevate their level of consciousness the other day by trimming their whiskers with a pencil eraser. Not sure why they chose a yellow raisin filter instead of a fluffy carpet hamper, but now both of them have kidneys that glow in the dark. We have actually resorted to covering them with a large garage opener so we can sleep at night.

They are not amused.

I’m sure I can speak sincerely when I say that my sneakers smell rather like Antarctic lobsters lying in a hot October softball casserole. So, if you ever get an overwhelming desire to sleep with a casserole, please wait until the October sneaker lobsters smell like your favorite crunchy cabbage cookies. That oughta show those sneakers who’s boss!!

OK my dear friends, it’s time for me to rotate my Cottonelle Instant Breakfast. I do hope that none of you continue to lick newspapers until the cows come back to Vegas.

I’m glad that all of you are, because if you were not, you would not be, and I’ve always been happy to see that each and every one of youse really are indeed being. (You have probably been being all along but never even knew it!!)

Have you seen my carbon flavored waffle socks?? I seem to have misplaced my dandruff torch.

Peace, Love, and Indivisibility,

Kenny Picklewort

a.k.a. “Cecil Snackwonder”

Well… after that intense does of nonsensical angularity, perhaps you would now enjoy some more sensible cantaloupe toenails. This video will in no way soothe your dusty snouts.

Something has gone afoul over the years. My body somehow seems to be in some sort of rebellion against activity!! And the rebellion seems to be getting more and more vociferous as time passes. This probably has been happening gradually over the years, but seems like it’s a bit more frequent these days. Might be due to becoming a septuagenarian 2 years ago. Two years!! Sheesh!! By the way, if any of youse “youngstahs” are reading: no, a septuagenarian is not a person who has difficulty waiting for September to arrive.

What?? You knew that??

Oh.

Septuagenarian… hmmm… sounds like a person who is a caretaker at a wildlife preserve or something.

So there I was, minding my own business, 2 years ago, turning 70, and thinking, “Wow, this is kinda weird!! My brain says I’m in my 30s but my body is not looking that way at all!! And what the HECK is all this hair growing in my ears?? And the balding… sheesh, is the hair migrating or something?? And my joints seem to think they need to report with a ** POP ** every time I move!! And sometimes it hurts me awreddy!! Oh… and do I have an expiration date now??”

Yes, my brain thing said exactly those things.

So last month I turned seventy two years old… wow. You know what that means, right?? Yep… I was 15 when Woodstock was happening. Oh, you didn’t think about that one? Well of course not, why would you? Just because it was like 57 years ago… YIKES!!! So… 72… you know what that means, right?? Yep… now I can enjoy Medicare!! Yee haaaa!!! And I’ve been retired for 5 years awreddy!!! Maybe I’m getting old (?). As I tell all the “kids” (people much younger than me): I can clearly remember when The Beatles came to America on the Mayflower!! It was pretty doggoned exciting really.

OK, so I’m 72. Sheesh again!!! I hear my ankles pop when I get out of bed. My hip hurts and I don’t know why. The other day I lifted something that wasn’t even heavy, and my wrist has pain like someone ran it through with a giant ice pick. I go to bed, maybe take some aspirin, and feel fine in the morning. Then I go to do something else that never bothered me and something else says ouch now!! Several of my friends are complaining about similar occurrences.

This should not happen to gentle people like us!!

There was a time when I was scared out of my brain thing of getting really old. Now I’m doing my to be grateful for each moment of each day. I’m still physically able to do what I did when I was 30. Sometimes it takes longer, and sometimes it hurts. Sometimes both. But I don’t have to look far to realize that there are many, many souls on this planet that are way worse off than me. I’m blessed to be able to say I’m a very fortunate person.

Now it’s getting late outside, and I’ll be going to bed soon. Tomorrow is another day that I’m sure will be full of more snap, crackle, and pop adventures. That’s right friends, my body is starting to sound like a big bowl of Kellogg’s Rice Crispies.

No added milk required!!

Being old isn’t so bad… just hope I don’t end up like The Old Man Of The Mountain…

An Open Letter To All Earthling Human Folks

Dear Nazneltroans,

As I’ve lamented previously, I’m finding the news consistently grinkly these days, and although I have invented every single solution to every single problem in the whole universe, I will not be so arrogant as to suggest that I have invented every single solution to every single problem in the whole universe; but instead will begin this odorless document with a deliciously colorful, black and white run-on sentence that has likely already begun to annoy your eyeballs with liberty and justice for all.

In other words, if you choose to read any further, I will offer a few strange utterings that I consider to be nonsensical stress removal tools. These will be presented to all of you free of charge, as I beseech you to realize that such wackadoodles have many times prevented me from suffering cranial explosions while sleeping in the closet.

Awk, awk!!

You see, when I was very young I discovered that silliness can be a wonderful distraction from events that were horrible, yet were completely out of my control. It was during my early childhood that I began a quest for stress relief; and because Mom planted me in front of the TV shortly after exiting the womb (1954 in my case), my research led me to such trusted resources as The Marx Brothers, The Three Stooges, Red Skelton and many similar amplified flavor crystals. The result of my studies have not completely alleviated my need to cry at times, but my learnings have certainly proven that laughing is very helpful.

Please pass the cabbage!!

Now that I’ve lost your attention, please remember not to pick my dog’s nose with a small Chevy convertible. Why would you enjoy throwing chowder at the wall?? Of course, when goldfish ovulate there is a very loud “BROOP” sound. But this is no excuse for tying licorice to the mailbox.

So many times I’ve reflected! Other times I’ve simply absorbed. The physics of nuisance vegetables can be mind crackling; with a subtle hint of gasoline. Did you know if you mix German chocolate monkey soup with very small pieces of asparagus, the Tooth Fairy will induce vomiting in Walmart at 10:47 PM this coming Sunday? Obviously this will renew all rake handles in the Baby Poop Forest.

Well Dear Friends, please allow me to bury all your tableware during our next visit. In fact, each time we press bologna into the underside of an apple, large toothpicks seem to imbed themselves in my slime candles. I know this may seem odd; but if my magnetic toaster makes any more gravy noises, I fear the neighbors will begin “The Cat Straightening Ritual” with renewed vinegar.

OK. Now that you’ve been totally immersed in rice lava; please remain aware that in spite of all of the insanity swirling about on planet Earth, the mere fact that you are a person gives me great cause to beam several billion metric lumens of love to you, whether you like it or not.

Yes.

I once read a quote that, “Nature is God’s reflection.” I’ve often uttered this quote at various gatherings. Upon hearing me say it, some wisenheimer said to me, “So Ken, that means all of us are part of that reflection, right?” And of course I had to agree. Therefore, I consider it my responsibility to love everyone. Yes, EVERYONE. So I do my best to follow through on that premise.

However, there are some humans in this world that I likely will never invite for dinner; ya know what I’m sayin’??

Alrighty then. I would like to close by sending all of you sincerely heartfelt happy gestures and smiles that can be smelled for hundreds of millimeters. This, of course, is spite of my strong belief that next winter may have a strong yellow odor. Not to worry, all can be cured with a healthy dose of Milk of Amnesia.

Thank you; and for goodness sake, please stay crinkly.

Yours with great indigestion,

Kenny “You Gonna Eat That??” Floopengrouk

And now for some fun clips…

So there I was, minding my own business, crying inside at the state of the world what with the war and all and the climate change and more and more expensive everything and hoping we can all survive this; and please PLEASE start working together to treat all we meet with love and kindness; and now of course I’m wondering if this run-on sentence will ever stop; but then I realized that I’m the only one who can stop it.

So I did.

Then my dear Debi said to me, “Hey, did you hear about the cockroaches that eat each others’ wings so they can be mates for life??” And of course I had not heard of this… but sure enough, there it is on the interwebs, and you can if you want to read about it click here to see it in Science News. So yes, these cockaroaches really do eat each others’ wings as a way to bond and fend off any other possible suitors.

Isn’t that special? Maybe humans could adopt that strategy as a way to keep an eternal bond during the matrimonial universe of their relationship. It certainly beats taunting each other. And no, I didn’t misspell cockroach. Know why? It’s on this authority: when I was a kid on Long Island, Noo Yawk we would abuse the use of such roaches’ names by teasing each other thusly: “Crybaby cockaroach nyaa nyaa na boo boo!!” This of course was sung to the tune of “You Are A Stinkerbutt Nyaa Nyaa Na Boo Boo!!”

None of the cockaroach wing munchings can really pull me out of the funk that the events of the world have slapped into my nostrils. Therefore, I will conclude this week’s silly blog thing with some very silly transcriptions of actual text messages I’ve sent to my coworkers during my tenure as a factory support computer geek boy. So without any further ado, here are the messages for your enjoyment.

By applying mustard on my cat’s eyebrows, I can feel confident his festive appearance will give him great joy among his peers.

Tonight I plan to enjoy a nice dinner of Cream of Dogfood Soup with a grilled Kibbles ‘n Bits sandwich.  All this will precede a raucous 3 hour session of barking at the moon.

Not sure who the culprit is so I’m asking everyone:  please stop substituting my mustard with the Purple Sludge.  The fridge is starting to vibrate between 2 and 3:37 AM.

Tomorrow’s breakfast:  Please prepare some shrimp on the half shell with a side dish of deep fried moth tongues.  I’ll wash it down with a nice avocado / eggplant smoothie; after which I’ll run for the men’s room.  Thank you!!

And as a final entry for today:

Happy Friday!!  May your ears enjoy delicious flavors; and may your nostrils flutter softly in the breeze.

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

Kenny

And now for the video fun stuff: