Horrible things are occurring on our Planet today. A ruthless dictator is doing his best to steal an independent nation; and there are some citizens in our own country who think this jerkface Vladimir Putin is a great guy. This all makes me barf on the ground with bad sadness. Therefore, in an attempt to achieve complete detachment from all this nasty business, I present to you all a helping of nonsense which I hope will comfort your earlobes with copious amounts of bacon which is infused with multi-colored raisin crystals. Herewith, therefore, and to wit is the very important letter for none of you to amplify during cleanser commercials.
Dearest Traves and Mizzledenters,
In the interest of a more secure planet whose resources have been dwindling at an alarming rate, we must now embark upon an aggressive lotion application program for each and every living organism on this home we call Earth.
Some of you may well ask, “how does one apply lotion to pollywogs and other large mammals?” As a famous president often said, “let me say this about that.” Seriously, if you cannot yet grasp the operational intricacies of the Royal Lotion Brush, then please do not attempt to enter the Cat Coating Laboratory. Cats are not amused when radioactive desserts are substituted for common flashlight banana candles.
Please ask both of your friends whether they can seriously find themselves. You simply never know in this day and age where one can be found. And of course, if one is found then others will be soon to follow. Follow me to the store and I may or may not purchase some electronic bread removal tools. These and other contraceptives can be found floating through the 73rd dimensional portal that was built by the Ancient Dribblers.
I’ve asked our electronic recycling contractors to apply soap to both wheels. Please let me know if any capacity regions require further coagulation. The most effective method of communication for this purpose is very loud yodeling during a thunderstorm. Each yodel should be very melodic as well as crunchy; and the yodeler must be prepared to catch the fresh, warm output of the Danish Donut Ejection Machine. Please keep this in mind for the upcoming summer months or weeks or days, because as we all know, summer months and some are not.
This procedure is truly vital and must be followed exactly. Some of the more common questions that may or may not arise are:
Do chocolate celery sticks enjoy a separate life cycle?
What color is this wandering balloon whose name is Alfred?
Remember that one time when we were sleeping in the snowbank?
Is this carnival really safe?
When do we get to press the Magic Button?
Are you going to eat that???
Please thank yourselves in advance for your constellations. After all, EVERYBODY is a star.
Happy Wheezing,
Brebbick N. Zemberklang
a.k.a. “Foofie McSnuffington”
Now these have NOTHING to do with ANYTHING but they were fun for me.
Hopefully for you too…