Gerslabe: A Story of Two Smiggs
By Hyram C. Gilmore

ONCE upon ago there was no use in telling it, the lamps had not but the others did. King Homar knew it was too late to wash the frogs; so his wife made dust for lunch. They both knew full well that large green funnels would soon fall from the sky. Without warning the Merbs cheated each other out of their Volkswagens; making it difficult to play records with the toaster. “Give me no wrenches. My birds are smiling!”, said the young snitch. “Run down there and slap that tree so we can twirl our fruit in peace!”

Noodles remembered that there had been strange sounds coming from the click-poonkler not two hours before. It was widely known that click-poonklers were largely to blame for the rash on the kitty; but there had been no ugly yard things lounging around the Taco Bell today. Therefore, of course, the roofing cement became airborne and struck three birds on their way to the movies. No one would warn them that the giant marbles would be the next dessert at the Holiday Inn.

Creeps, jerks, and stupid-heads filled the hall with their singing:

“O give me some meat
That has sat on my seat,
And I’ll show you some meat
I won’t eat.”

This was sung to the tune of “Home on the Range”, while people barfed rubber bands through their noses. I don’t want to visit there anymore. I’ll never use rubber bands again. Don’t ask me to go there, because the dogs change their underwear with the lights on.

When we got home, we discovered that the new tires were now in complete control of the TV. All they wanted to watch was “The Jetsons”; and they peeled out all over the brand new raisins. “O my God, I can’t believe you don’t know the answer to this!”, they hollered. So Poable yelled back, “You jempergleens! Do you mean to tell me that a glandular disorder can actually issue traffic warnings? There’s a big cruncher out here with your names on it; and I’m not eating until that woodchuck quits picking his nose! Take his new pajamas away so he won’t try anything funny!” The woodchuck took great offense to this and tried to drown his sorrows with Twinkies and tomato juice.

By this time the reader must be a bit apprehensive. If this is supposed to make any sense, my goat is a sump pump. Well, of course this is not supposed to make any playdoh out of broken clocks. But if things are fun to read, people may be inclined to forget that they left their hairballs in the pizza mix. Life could become more cro-naybley! Glue could be served to science teachers as a nutritional supplement! Real value could be found in small pies! Planetary travel could really be screwed up! At best, laughter would fill the 5-gallon conatiner. Maybe even the container! Ispelgudyup!

Ever wonder what would happen if your typing fingers got lost from “home row”? It would probably lppf sd ig yhr eotfd ertr noy mskinh drndr! ;p. look as if the words were not making sense! ;p.

Always smiling, the two Smiggs (Remember those two Smiggs? This is a story of two Smiggs!) landed with a thump on top of the Empire State Building. They looked over the view and stared at each other, shaking their floaglits. Mogney asked Bloonk,”Whoa! Don’t these people know how to lick their eyebrows? We’ve been here for three biggles now and I still can’t read their fire hydrants!” “Maybe they are deaf, and can’t see us waving our teeth at them”, replied Bloonk. “Ollee ollee, oxenfree!” Mogney yelled, honking his boadler as hard as he could.

“Listen here, you boadle honker! We can’t act as if we own the place! I mean, the yellow pig food is really starting to agree with my outlook on life,” said Bloonk. Having said this, he and Mogney jumped from the top and ran to the nearest bystanders. The poor folks took one look at them and began reciting every Devo song they knew. The Smiggs tapped their dretzels to the beat and hummed along just as loud as they could. Very shortly a policeyman arrived and asked them all what the @#$% they were doing. They politely stole his hat and made funny faces at him; and offered a chance to win a shiny new dime for guessing the best soup in the world. The policeyman said thank you very much, but he had already had enough wood particles for one day.

Now, if you look closely at the facts, you will surely notice ants in your undergarments. Disturbing as this may seem, many cultures are now changing their approach to fried hammer handles. Long lists of edible plastics have been sent to the local governments, but the representatives still insist that it would be better to shovel candles into a small motorcycle than to tax the bug doo-doo upon which we walk. They seem to think that by grinning when folks belch, a new and more receptive attitude can be cultivated in the inner regions of crayon boxes.

For myself, I have always known that zebra mussels are very yummy in cake. Proving this has not been easy; but when I have friends over for tea and slobberfood they smile sheepishly and say “What’s crunchy?” When I tell them they are snarfing down thousands of little zebra mussels in each bite, they say “O” and excuse themselves out the door very quickly.

I’m quite certain they are rushing home to make their very own Moobi-Moobi!

Thank you very much, O-K!

Recent Posts

Of Speak With No Sense

Since my face and earlobes are enduring more stress than usual, I’ve decided to use this week’s post to be a little extra silly by encribbling all of you with some gibberishness that may or may not make you smile; but I hope perhaps I will smile at the thoughts of my finger typings and contributing even more to the length of this run-on sentence.

Yes, thank you.

So without further ado doo, I hereby emit particles of important flavors that will stick to your nostrils like the very highest quality chicken gizzards. In spite of all that and in spit of everything else, I will therefore list all these vitally symphonic monster blurbs in alphanumeric / chronological / symbolic order, beginning with:

A) Gravy – Gravy in my armpits, syrup on my knees, buckets full of macaroni hanging from the trees.  Images of all these things will stick inside my head.  Hope I have a different dream when I go back to bed.

R. Flavor Nostrils – I’m thinking I should not have licked those 13 utility poles the other day.  I’m feeling a bit wibbly in my flavor nostrils.

7> Usage – Have you ever replied to a question with obscure usage of words?  Neither am I!!  Yes I don’t!!  What color does that mean?  Avacado.

g% Toe Cheese – Some of the best cheese I’ve ever eaten was not found between my toes.  However, if I could learn to play guitar with my feet I could invite my musician friends to a Toe Jam.

X~ Super Sauce – I intend to inoculate my lunches with Super Sauce so I may become faster than a speeding building and be able to leap tall bullets in a single bound.  After I eat I’ll probably take a nice nap.

72! Continuity – Sometimes my eyes feel like taking a little walk around the block.  Other times they just stay inside my head bone.  I much prefer the head bone eyeball continuity status if that’s OK with you.

111. Stuffing – I really need to quit stuffing donuts in my ears.  But they are so soft!!

3B3, Snacks – Some Of The Most Delicious Snacks Are Capitalized To Enhance Their Complete Lack Of Nutritional Value.

1L+ Toothpaste – I smear toothpaste on my eyebrows almost every other day.  When friends walk by and see me, they ask “Hey, are you OK?”

2D2D: Fizz – Now that I’m getting good at being retired, it’s high time I launched my new invention:  The FizzPhone.  This marvelous device cleans the user’s ears during conversations.  It can be set for various intervals (24 hours, weekly, monthly); and I’ll be working on a “Turbo” mode that will get even the most stubborn gucka-maroo out of your ear canal.

F00! Snack Storage – I’ve decided to keep my snacks in folders so I can organize them according to calorie content.  However, some snacks are not easily folded.

And finally but also last…

U14. Please – I would like to take this opportunity to urge you to please have a Happy Merry and a Joyful Wonderful. Personally, I’m very much looking forward to the Cream of Mustard Celery Toppings and the Dead Snake Surprise desserts!! Oh and the holidays should be fun too…

Well my friends, if you’ve read this far, you may have needed some silliness as much as I do. Please know that I am eager for all of you to be happy, content, OK, or at least grateful. And as I’ve said many times before, “It’s better to be you than for you to be me, and although you can count to it, eight is a word.

Peace, Love, and Hugs,


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