Gerslabe: A Story of Two Smiggs
By Hyram C. Gilmore

ONCE upon ago there was no use in telling it, the lamps had not but the others did. King Homar knew it was too late to wash the frogs; so his wife made dust for lunch. They both knew full well that large green funnels would soon fall from the sky. Without warning the Merbs cheated each other out of their Volkswagens; making it difficult to play records with the toaster. “Give me no wrenches. My birds are smiling!”, said the young snitch. “Run down there and slap that tree so we can twirl our fruit in peace!”

Noodles remembered that there had been strange sounds coming from the click-poonkler not two hours before. It was widely known that click-poonklers were largely to blame for the rash on the kitty; but there had been no ugly yard things lounging around the Taco Bell today. Therefore, of course, the roofing cement became airborne and struck three birds on their way to the movies. No one would warn them that the giant marbles would be the next dessert at the Holiday Inn.

Creeps, jerks, and stupid-heads filled the hall with their singing:

“O give me some meat
That has sat on my seat,
And I’ll show you some meat
I won’t eat.”

This was sung to the tune of “Home on the Range”, while people barfed rubber bands through their noses. I don’t want to visit there anymore. I’ll never use rubber bands again. Don’t ask me to go there, because the dogs change their underwear with the lights on.

When we got home, we discovered that the new tires were now in complete control of the TV. All they wanted to watch was “The Jetsons”; and they peeled out all over the brand new raisins. “O my God, I can’t believe you don’t know the answer to this!”, they hollered. So Poable yelled back, “You jempergleens! Do you mean to tell me that a glandular disorder can actually issue traffic warnings? There’s a big cruncher out here with your names on it; and I’m not eating until that woodchuck quits picking his nose! Take his new pajamas away so he won’t try anything funny!” The woodchuck took great offense to this and tried to drown his sorrows with Twinkies and tomato juice.

By this time the reader must be a bit apprehensive. If this is supposed to make any sense, my goat is a sump pump. Well, of course this is not supposed to make any playdoh out of broken clocks. But if things are fun to read, people may be inclined to forget that they left their hairballs in the pizza mix. Life could become more cro-naybley! Glue could be served to science teachers as a nutritional supplement! Real value could be found in small pies! Planetary travel could really be screwed up! At best, laughter would fill the 5-gallon conatiner. Maybe even the container! Ispelgudyup!

Ever wonder what would happen if your typing fingers got lost from “home row”? It would probably lppf sd ig yhr eotfd ertr noy mskinh drndr! ;p. look as if the words were not making sense! ;p.

Always smiling, the two Smiggs (Remember those two Smiggs? This is a story of two Smiggs!) landed with a thump on top of the Empire State Building. They looked over the view and stared at each other, shaking their floaglits. Mogney asked Bloonk,”Whoa! Don’t these people know how to lick their eyebrows? We’ve been here for three biggles now and I still can’t read their fire hydrants!” “Maybe they are deaf, and can’t see us waving our teeth at them”, replied Bloonk. “Ollee ollee, oxenfree!” Mogney yelled, honking his boadler as hard as he could.

“Listen here, you boadle honker! We can’t act as if we own the place! I mean, the yellow pig food is really starting to agree with my outlook on life,” said Bloonk. Having said this, he and Mogney jumped from the top and ran to the nearest bystanders. The poor folks took one look at them and began reciting every Devo song they knew. The Smiggs tapped their dretzels to the beat and hummed along just as loud as they could. Very shortly a policeyman arrived and asked them all what the @#$% they were doing. They politely stole his hat and made funny faces at him; and offered a chance to win a shiny new dime for guessing the best soup in the world. The policeyman said thank you very much, but he had already had enough wood particles for one day.

Now, if you look closely at the facts, you will surely notice ants in your undergarments. Disturbing as this may seem, many cultures are now changing their approach to fried hammer handles. Long lists of edible plastics have been sent to the local governments, but the representatives still insist that it would be better to shovel candles into a small motorcycle than to tax the bug doo-doo upon which we walk. They seem to think that by grinning when folks belch, a new and more receptive attitude can be cultivated in the inner regions of crayon boxes.

For myself, I have always known that zebra mussels are very yummy in cake. Proving this has not been easy; but when I have friends over for tea and slobberfood they smile sheepishly and say “What’s crunchy?” When I tell them they are snarfing down thousands of little zebra mussels in each bite, they say “O” and excuse themselves out the door very quickly.

I’m quite certain they are rushing home to make their very own Moobi-Moobi!

Thank you very much, O-K!

Recent Posts

Quarantine Quirky

So there I was, a couple months ago, working remotely because of the Corona Oh No, almost retired, then furloughed, then on vacation, then retired, and all travel plans that weren’t really planned but kinda were planned because we wanted to go places but with a deadly virus lurking in the bushes (and elsewhere) we dare not venture about in an unsafe manner so we hunkered down at home and began eating too much and OK, maybe we still are, a little bit, but that’s OK because whatchya gonna do anyway except make a sentence that is way too long about all this shelter in place stuff? Anyway??

I like chocolate.

Yes, these are strange times, but one thing I’m very sure of: my Beautiful Girlfriend and I are quite blessed, and we are truly grateful for it. We have more than enough to eat, a safe, warm place to sleep, and money in the bank. Spoiled rotten we are already!! Oddly enough, this quarantine business has actually helped us save money. We don’t drive around much, so we’re not spending much on gasoline. I go to the grocery store once a week now, which before was a multiple days per week sojourn. We cook more at home, so our dining out bill is cut drastically. We don’t go to the movies unless they are on our TV.

Cookies and milk are delicious.

Alright, we do have the Netflix. Lots of stuff to watch on there. But then I found this whole series of a show called True Blood that was available for free. For those who don’t know, True Blood is about vampires, werewolves, fairies and shape shifters. You know, ordinary folk we meet every day. Often my Sweet Honey Pie has watched similar shows that just didn’t really interest me. True Blood, however, was different. It was well written, scary but also quite funny, and I actually became a bit hooked on the shows for several episodes. It has everything a red blooded male likes: lots of sex, violence, and explosions.

Any more of those peanut butter cups?

Well as the saying goes, if it’s too good to be true, it probably is. True Blood is not a new show, but it ran for 7 seasons. Toward the end of season 6 of binge watching, HBO wanted money. This caused both me and my Honey Pie to say things like, “those dirty snot lickers!!” By this time I had pretty much lost interest in the show, but she was still quite hooked and became very sad. So, being the thoughtful boyfriend I am, I found that Amazon Prime had this True Blood series, and was offering a 30 day free trial. Bingo!! So she got to watch the first 3 episodes of the last season and guess what?? When trying to get episode 4 to stream, a message came up: “start your free 7 day trial of HBO to continue watching.” This cause us both to say bad words again… “those stinky bug poop licking mugglesnorts!!” Or something. So now I have two free trials to cancel. Oy yoy yoy.

Mmmmm Ring Dings.

Hey, these are really high-class problems, ya know? Sheesh!! There is an “up” side to all this: we’ve renewed our interest in snacking while watching a (sort of) big screen. And when I say “up,” I do mean “UP!!” As in weight gain.

I like ice cream.

We don’t have the problem of being bored out of our minds during quarantine. Well OK, technically we’re not quarantined at all, it just feels like it sometimes. I know some feel it’s OK to resume “normal” activities; but we are choosing to listen to those crazy science people and are staying home much of the time. When we leave home, we wear our face masks in stores, and other public areas. We also use disposable gloves in some cases. We wash and / or sanitize our hands regularly. And as extra precautions, we’ve chosen not to lick doorknobs, counter tops or pavement. Oh wait, we didn’t do that before either.

I like potato chips.

I think maybe I need to find something to occupy my time besides eating. Perhaps I’ll illegally change my name every other day, and create a new e-mail address to match. Then I’ll wait and see how many of my friends complain that they got some weird e-mail from Mirplop Burpsocket that included a picture of a roll of masking tape. A few days later I’ll follow up with a note from Zonina Grabblesnacks that has urgent instructions to ignore any e-mail that includes a picture of a roll of masking tape. Then again, maybe that’s not such a good idea.

I like radishes!! Maybe I’ll go plant radishes!!

Not sure how many of you watch the video, but I try to pick something that is either relevant or just plain fun. This one leans more toward the fun side…

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