Gerslabe

Gerslabe: A Story of Two Smiggs
By Hyram C. Gilmore

ONCE upon ago there was no use in telling it, the lamps had not but the others did. King Homar knew it was too late to wash the frogs; so his wife made dust for lunch. They both knew full well that large green funnels would soon fall from the sky. Without warning the Merbs cheated each other out of their Volkswagens; making it difficult to play records with the toaster. “Give me no wrenches. My birds are smiling!”, said the young snitch. “Run down there and slap that tree so we can twirl our fruit in peace!”

Noodles remembered that there had been strange sounds coming from the click-poonkler not two hours before. It was widely known that click-poonklers were largely to blame for the rash on the kitty; but there had been no ugly yard things lounging around the Taco Bell today. Therefore, of course, the roofing cement became airborne and struck three birds on their way to the movies. No one would warn them that the giant marbles would be the next dessert at the Holiday Inn.

Creeps, jerks, and stupid-heads filled the hall with their singing:

“O give me some meat
That has sat on my seat,
And I’ll show you some meat
I won’t eat.”

This was sung to the tune of “Home on the Range”, while people barfed rubber bands through their noses. I don’t want to visit there anymore. I’ll never use rubber bands again. Don’t ask me to go there, because the dogs change their underwear with the lights on.

When we got home, we discovered that the new tires were now in complete control of the TV. All they wanted to watch was “The Jetsons”; and they peeled out all over the brand new raisins. “O my God, I can’t believe you don’t know the answer to this!”, they hollered. So Poable yelled back, “You jempergleens! Do you mean to tell me that a glandular disorder can actually issue traffic warnings? There’s a big cruncher out here with your names on it; and I’m not eating until that woodchuck quits picking his nose! Take his new pajamas away so he won’t try anything funny!” The woodchuck took great offense to this and tried to drown his sorrows with Twinkies and tomato juice.

By this time the reader must be a bit apprehensive. If this is supposed to make any sense, my goat is a sump pump. Well, of course this is not supposed to make any playdoh out of broken clocks. But if things are fun to read, people may be inclined to forget that they left their hairballs in the pizza mix. Life could become more cro-naybley! Glue could be served to science teachers as a nutritional supplement! Real value could be found in small pies! Planetary travel could really be screwed up! At best, laughter would fill the 5-gallon conatiner. Maybe even the container! Ispelgudyup!

Ever wonder what would happen if your typing fingers got lost from “home row”? It would probably lppf sd ig yhr eotfd ertr noy mskinh drndr! ;p. look as if the words were not making sense! ;p.

Always smiling, the two Smiggs (Remember those two Smiggs? This is a story of two Smiggs!) landed with a thump on top of the Empire State Building. They looked over the view and stared at each other, shaking their floaglits. Mogney asked Bloonk,”Whoa! Don’t these people know how to lick their eyebrows? We’ve been here for three biggles now and I still can’t read their fire hydrants!” “Maybe they are deaf, and can’t see us waving our teeth at them”, replied Bloonk. “Ollee ollee, oxenfree!” Mogney yelled, honking his boadler as hard as he could.

“Listen here, you boadle honker! We can’t act as if we own the place! I mean, the yellow pig food is really starting to agree with my outlook on life,” said Bloonk. Having said this, he and Mogney jumped from the top and ran to the nearest bystanders. The poor folks took one look at them and began reciting every Devo song they knew. The Smiggs tapped their dretzels to the beat and hummed along just as loud as they could. Very shortly a policeyman arrived and asked them all what the @#$% they were doing. They politely stole his hat and made funny faces at him; and offered a chance to win a shiny new dime for guessing the best soup in the world. The policeyman said thank you very much, but he had already had enough wood particles for one day.

Now, if you look closely at the facts, you will surely notice ants in your undergarments. Disturbing as this may seem, many cultures are now changing their approach to fried hammer handles. Long lists of edible plastics have been sent to the local governments, but the representatives still insist that it would be better to shovel candles into a small motorcycle than to tax the bug doo-doo upon which we walk. They seem to think that by grinning when folks belch, a new and more receptive attitude can be cultivated in the inner regions of crayon boxes.

For myself, I have always known that zebra mussels are very yummy in cake. Proving this has not been easy; but when I have friends over for tea and slobberfood they smile sheepishly and say “What’s crunchy?” When I tell them they are snarfing down thousands of little zebra mussels in each bite, they say “O” and excuse themselves out the door very quickly.

I’m quite certain they are rushing home to make their very own Moobi-Moobi!

Thank you very much, O-K!

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Dirty Rotten Cyberthieves

I cry, I weep, I gnash my teeth. Some flame-headed goat poop sniffing slime licker (or maybe lickers) stole from me.

There I was, minding my own business, going to Walmart because the local Meijer removed 8 O’Clock coffee (in the big bags) from their shelves. I really don’t like to go to Walmart, because they have a history of treating their employees rather badly. Not sure if that has changed over the years but the whole premise is indelibly burned into my brain cells and so I would rather not support them, thank you very much.

So… as I was saying … there I was minding my own business, with my Beautiful Girlfriend, buying my coffee at Walmart, and thinking, “yay!! We scored 4 big bags of 8 O’Clock coffee!! Enough for several weeks!! This is most marvelous indeed!” We happily put the bags of coffee in the pantry and sang songs of caffeinated joy. Well OK maybe not. But we were glad to get our stash.

I used a debit card for the purchase, which I do quite often. I rarely carry cash, you see. This is due to a strange phenomenon called spontaneous wallet depletion. In other words, in the “good old days” before debit cards, my cash seemed to disappear pretty quickly. Not sure if using the debit card changed that, but at least now I’m able to keep track of where the money goes a bit more easily. I get online regularly and check to make sure all is well.

However, this time I didn’t check for several days; and my checking account shrank by an extra $317 over the course of about a week. Very shortly after I used my debit card at Walmart; someone somewhere somehow hacked something and started using my debit card info at a Walmart in Elk Grove, Illinois; which is a bit over 200 miles from here. Little nibbles… $35 here, $35.36 there… carefully staying under $50 which I guess is a threshold that starts to raise flags.

I was not very happy.

Dunno what it is about Walmart, but a similar fraud thing happened to me with my credit card after making a purchase at Walmart.com ! Very cool indeed, right?? I lost the use of my card for a little over a week after reporting it stolen. At least I had the debit card. Now I’ve lost the use of a debit card for 7 to 10 days, but at least I have a credit card. Fortunately, our credit union took care of all the fraud and even refilled my checking account with the amount that was stolen. I’ve since learned of an app called CardValet; which apparently can stop this. Once the new debit card arrives, I’ll enter it into the app, and when I’m not using it, I can use CardValet to turn the card off. I guess it works with credit cards too.

Guess what? For the time being, I’m carrying cash again. And no, I’m not paranoid about using electronic payments; but you can bet I’ll be using the CardValet app regularly.

Oh and by the way, regarding the cyberthieves: not only are they flame-headed goat poop sniffing slime lickers, but they also pee themselves in public places but just sit there with a silly grin. I’m sure they also enjoy eating other people’s boogers; and I would also not be surprised if they smear dog snot on their eyebrows.

They are not my friends. Time to call Superman.

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