So there I was, a couple months ago, working remotely because of the Corona Oh No, almost retired, then furloughed, then on vacation, then retired, and all travel plans that weren’t really planned but kinda were planned because we wanted to go places but with a deadly virus lurking in the bushes (and elsewhere) we dare not venture about in an unsafe manner so we hunkered down at home and began eating too much and OK, maybe we still are, a little bit, but that’s OK because whatchya gonna do anyway except make a sentence that is way too long about all this shelter in place stuff? Anyway??

I like chocolate.

Yes, these are strange times, but one thing I’m very sure of: my Beautiful Girlfriend and I are quite blessed, and we are truly grateful for it. We have more than enough to eat, a safe, warm place to sleep, and money in the bank. Spoiled rotten we are already!! Oddly enough, this quarantine business has actually helped us save money. We don’t drive around much, so we’re not spending much on gasoline. I go to the grocery store once a week now, which before was a multiple days per week sojourn. We cook more at home, so our dining out bill is cut drastically. We don’t go to the movies unless they are on our TV.

Cookies and milk are delicious.

Alright, we do have the Netflix. Lots of stuff to watch on there. But then I found this whole series of a show called True Blood that was available for free. For those who don’t know, True Blood is about vampires, werewolves, fairies and shape shifters. You know, ordinary folk we meet every day. Often my Sweet Honey Pie has watched similar shows that just didn’t really interest me. True Blood, however, was different. It was well written, scary but also quite funny, and I actually became a bit hooked on the shows for several episodes. It has everything a red blooded male likes: lots of sex, violence, and explosions.

Any more of those peanut butter cups?

Well as the saying goes, if it’s too good to be true, it probably is. True Blood is not a new show, but it ran for 7 seasons. Toward the end of season 6 of binge watching, HBO wanted money. This caused both me and my Honey Pie to say things like, “those dirty snot lickers!!” By this time I had pretty much lost interest in the show, but she was still quite hooked and became very sad. So, being the thoughtful boyfriend I am, I found that Amazon Prime had this True Blood series, and was offering a 30 day free trial. Bingo!! So she got to watch the first 3 episodes of the last season and guess what?? When trying to get episode 4 to stream, a message came up: “start your free 7 day trial of HBO to continue watching.” This cause us both to say bad words again… “those stinky bug poop licking mugglesnorts!!” Or something. So now I have two free trials to cancel. Oy yoy yoy.

Mmmmm Ring Dings.

Hey, these are really high-class problems, ya know? Sheesh!! There is an “up” side to all this: we’ve renewed our interest in snacking while watching a (sort of) big screen. And when I say “up,” I do mean “UP!!” As in weight gain.

I like ice cream.

We don’t have the problem of being bored out of our minds during quarantine. Well OK, technically we’re not quarantined at all, it just feels like it sometimes. I know some feel it’s OK to resume “normal” activities; but we are choosing to listen to those crazy science people and are staying home much of the time. When we leave home, we wear our face masks in stores, and other public areas. We also use disposable gloves in some cases. We wash and / or sanitize our hands regularly. And as extra precautions, we’ve chosen not to lick doorknobs, counter tops or pavement. Oh wait, we didn’t do that before either.

I like potato chips.

I think maybe I need to find something to occupy my time besides eating. Perhaps I’ll illegally change my name every other day, and create a new e-mail address to match. Then I’ll wait and see how many of my friends complain that they got some weird e-mail from Mirplop Burpsocket that included a picture of a roll of masking tape. A few days later I’ll follow up with a note from Zonina Grabblesnacks that has urgent instructions to ignore any e-mail that includes a picture of a roll of masking tape. Then again, maybe that’s not such a good idea.

I like radishes!! Maybe I’ll go plant radishes!!

Not sure how many of you watch the video, but I try to pick something that is either relevant or just plain fun. This one leans more toward the fun side…

Here in West Michigan, it’s the height of planting season. We had a wet, cold spring this year so I’m a bit behind getting stuff in the ground. I did get my plants in pretty early though.

“Gotta get yer peas and potatoes in by Good Friday,” Grandpa Bunny used to always say. Well I didn’t quite make it. Just a week before we had quite a bit of rain. Since we live in Bear Swamp, I knew full well that tilling the garden would be very much like running a rototiller in ankle deep chocolate pudding.

So I waited a bit. Went to Weesies just before Mothers Day to buy my plants before the rush came. Around here, all the veggie plants become slim pickin’s by Memorial Day. Of course, if you let your peppers, eggplant, and tomatoes sit in those little tray thingies for very long they get root-bound. Therefore, each year I “commit sacrilege” by putting my frost sensitive plants in the ground before Memorial Day.

I love to share my adventures in the garden When I tell my friends I’ve had my peppers, eggplant, and tomatoes in the ground for almost three weeks, their eyes get big and they shake their heads and say things like: “Aren’t you worried about frost??” “I thought you weren’t supposed to put anything like that in until after Memorial Day!!” I reassure them that it’s very OK so long as you have enough “hot caps” to cover each one if there’s a danger of frost.

“Hot caps??” they ask quizzically. “Yeah, you know, buckets,” I explain. “Keep them handy so you can put them upside down over the plant before you go to bed. That way when the frost comes they don’t get killed. But make sure you take them off first thing in the morning or your plants will get roasted inside those things.” They’ll say “OOoohh…” but I can sense they are wondering whether I’m OK in the noodle or not. Of course when they hear I went to Dollar General and spent $50 on buckets they may really think I’m nuts (at least they were made in the U.S.!!). Seven buckets at $1.75 each and 13 waste baskets at $2.25 apiece. The guy at Dollar General said, “you must have a lot of trash!!”

Hot caps or no, there’s nothing quite so unnerving as carefully planting your baby tomatoes, etc. and waking up the next day to find a decapitated stem with its head lying next to it. It’s happened to me… but only once. The stupid pest didn’t even have the decency to eat the leaves that fell to the ground!! Here’s a picture of the culprit:

It’s called a cutworm. It’s not a worm at all, but a caterpillar; and after it devours the stalk of your baby plant it curls up just under the soil and takes a nap. Then off it goes later to search for another unsuspecting plant stalk.

The simplest way to prevent damage from cutworms is to install a cutworm collar when you plant. I learned about cutworm collars after one of my babies got decapitated many seasons ago, and I’ve been using them ever since. Very easy to make. I’ve tried paper drinking cups, but they often have plastic inside or are coated with wax, and I want something that will return itself to the soil after the danger of cutworms is gone. My new magical material is… drumroll… toilet paper tubes!! Yes!! I start collecting them in the winter and have more than enough by spring. I simply flatten the tube and cut slits about halfway up the roll.

Then I carefully prepare the seedling. For tomatoes, peppers, and eggplants, I trim most of the leaves off the stalk and bury the seedling “up to its neck in dirt.” All of these plants are members of the nightshade family, so they will grow roots out of the stem if it’s in the soil (makes for a very good root system). Slide the paper tube over the plant and press it into the soil and cover with some dirt so the wind won’t blow it away, while making sure the leaves of the plant are above the top of the tube as shown.

Well, enough of that. This week’s video has absolutely nothing to do with cutworms. I’ve never grown Black Eyed Peas, but in my professional opinion, this video of theirs is a lot of fun.

So there.

After much hoopla and zippity doo, last Friday, May 1, was the first day of the rest of my life. In other words, I am officially retired!! As many of you know, I’ve been looking forward to this for a very long time. I even installed a little widget by the name of “Free Countdown Timer” on my work computer, Every day for about 2 years I had a little window in the top right corner of my screen that reported the number of years, months, days, and even minutes left to go till my retirement date. It’s also possible that I reported this information to friends and family on a regular basis. Got to the point where folks what ask, “what’s the countdown?” when they saw me out and about. I’ve been rather geeked about the whole idea for a long time!

So now I’m retired!! I’ve been asked how it feels… actually it feels pretty much the same as it has for the last month or more. The corona virus had me working at home since late March. Then I was on bereavement for 3 days; and finally took 20 days of vacation until my retirement date. Can’t really travel much, since the stay at home order keeps getting extended here in Michigan. Although some may not agree, that’s actually a good thing. I have no interest in contracting the virus; and I absolutely don’t want to bring it home to my Honey Pie.

I can describe my feelings toward retirement with one word: grateful. Fortunately for us, we paid off all our debt long before The Big Day. No mortgage, no car payments, no loans. We have money in the bank. I moved our 401k and IRAs to slow growth / low risk funds long before the economy pooped out; so we haven’t lost any of our retirement savings. We have plenty of food, and since we aren’t burning much gasoline we’re saving even more money. There’s even enough to donate to our local homeless shelter.

Many have asked what I’m doing with my time. And of course, I’ve been sitting in front of the TV eating bonbons and binge watching vampire shows. Well maybe not all the time. Yes, we really have been eating candy and watching “True Blood.” which is a vampire series available for free from HBO. Let’s hear it for the Roku!! Those who have one know what I’m spewing about. My Beautiful Girlfriend has a greater appetite for binge watching than I do; but I’ll admit do get sucked into the shows.

Other times I’m doing foolish things like cooking meals, doing dishes, and cutting firewood. I’ve gotten some work done in the garden; and am looking forward to doing more once winter is over. Yes, I said winter!! In May!!! Sheesh!!! We had some nice warm weather in late April; but now we’re getting little snizzles of snow and have a hard freeze in the forecast. None of my frost sensitive plants are in the ground yet. I’m guessing the tomato and pepper seedlings were wondering why the !bleep! they were getting pelted with snow globs when I had them outside for some sun today. I’ve brought them inside for two nights now, worried that it would still dip below freezing in the shed. Oh, and I made my first “tulip tent” to protect my Lovely Bride’s tulip blooms. She planted a bunch of bulbs a while ago, but would shake her head in frustration when only a couple would bloom each year. Well this year she counted 15 blooms, so to protect them I built a tulip tent from some poles and tarps.

So yes, retirement has been very exciting. And no, I’m not being sarcastic! I’m excited that I don’t answer to anyone but myself… oh and my Beautiful Girlfriend. Yes, I’ve answered to my Beautiful Girlfriend for many years now; but that’s very OK with me. I’m excited about going to bed late and getting up without the screaming of an alarm clock. I’m not so excited that my britches are getting a bit tight from all the goodies we’ve been eating. Part of that is a result of the stay at home order I think maybe. We cook, we eat, we snack. When we don’t feel like cooking I’ll do the unthinkable and cook with my credit card (takeout). But most of all this eating too much is that we like food. A lot.

For now, retirement will mean obeying the stay at home order. Travel will happen only as needed for groceries, prescriptions, and so on. And yes, when I go to the store or other public areas I wear a mask and often some disposable gloves. But when the corona virus threat is over… LOOK OUT!! We’ll probably just keep doing what we’re doing now.

And that’s just fine by me!! And while my Honey Pie enjoys binge watching vampire shows, I’ll sneak off and watch some educational programs like this…

As some of you who are reading this are aware, getting old is not for wimps. I’ve enjoyed 66 trips around the Sun on this globe we call Earth. My brain is pretty much convinced I’m still a young pup, then I go do something silly and try a spontaneous sprint. The result: a pulled calf muscle. OW that hurts!! This was never an issue when I was, oh… like maybe 30. But now if I choose to exert a burst of energy, I better do some stretching first or suffer the ouchy-wouchies.

And that’s just one example.

Fortunately, I somehow was blessed with pretty good eyeballs. Corrective lenses only became needed in my late 40s; and then all I really needed was some +1.00 readers. Used those for many years, and then I started needing stronger ones. When I went for an exam, I was told twice now that I “have an onset of cataracts,” but nothing requiring any action. I was also told “you passed the driver’s test without glasses.” Yet when I went to renew my license a few years ago, they said I needed glasses. That’s a bit confusing, but I just use readers (I’m up to +2.50 now) and all is good.

My Beautiful Girlfriend had cataract surgery a while back. She was offered a choice to either have good long range vision and only need reading glasses for close-up stuff, or no glasses for near but corrective lenses for distant vision. The choice was pretty obvious to her; and after some 60 years of nearsightedness she can now see stars like never before.

Over the years, I’ve built up a collection of reading glasses of various strengths. Still have most of them, and there are some favorite “John Lennon” style wire frames that I use for cooking special meals, even though a stronger pair might work better. It’s a spiritual thing I guess; if that makes any sense. I have glasses that come in two-part metal tubes. I keep a pair of those in my pocket when I’m in the garden. Nice because they don’t get smooshed, and I don’t worry about dropping them in the dirt. Of course I’ve also acquired several pair with cases that clip into a shirt pocket. Those really flashed the “computer geek” fashion statement while I was working. Although my Honey Pie could easily use one of my many pairs of readers, she has built up a collection of her own. I guess mine weren’t girly enough (duh).

These days, it’s possible we have 729 pairs of reading glasses between us. Some are kept in the car, some in the bathroom, some in the kitchen, some in the bedroom. So what happens when either of us tries to read a soup label or something? An exclamation is repeated over and over: “where the HECK are my glasses??” Often, this is answered in the same breath with a sighing, “oh there they are!!”

Regardless of the fact that we always know a pair is near (somewhere), one of us inevitably picks up a bill or prescription or something and squints almost painfully while barely making out the words. Then the other will say, “Honey!! Why don’t you grab your glasses??” Oh, and not to forget the frantic scramble to grab a document or something while on the phone with the doctor’s office and then muttering, “where the bleep!! are my blankety-blank glasses??” and hoping the nice person who called didn’t hear.

Got some pretty big chuckles the other day when was trying to read with a pair of cheap wire-rims. I thought one of my eyes was going bad, only to discover one of the lenses had fallen out of the frame. After finding the missing lens I howled with laughter. Then later I noticed my computer glasses were not working too well. That’s because they are +1.75, but now I’m better with +2.50. Sheesh!!

Yes, it’s a glasses menagerie around here! There are times, though, when I can’t help but amuse myself while hunting for glasses. I do some Three Stooges dialog out loud: “I can’t see!! I can’t see!!” “Whats the matter??” “I got my eyes closed!!”

On the other hand, you have the looking glass…

Because I was born before The Beatles came to America on the Mayflower, I’m becoming painfully aware of something: I’m getting OLD!! Well, my body is anyway. My mind still thinks I’m young. In fact, I’ve been told by people much younger than me that I “don’t act like an old person.” I tell my friends that I’m a child in old man’s clothing. Then I pass a mirror; and if I dare to look, the truth slaps me in the head. I think to myself (sometimes out loud), “hey Mister!! What the HECK did you do with the young guy that used to live in there??”

Oh what the heck. This is me, wrinkles, receding hairline, and all. I don’t much care about how youthful I look anymore. Why should I? Not like I’m on the prowl for a mate or anything. I’ve been blessed: my soulmate is a Beautiful Young Woman (she’s a whole 3 months younger than me). We met when we were 17 year old kids and are still best friends. Nope… what you see is what you get with the likes of me. And as my Beautiful Girlfriend has been fond of saying lately, “better to be seen than to be viewed.”

I’ve also been told that this getting old crap is not for sissies. Ain’t that the truth!! This stuff can be painful!! Remember that statement about my brain thinking I’m a youngster?? Well that can cause problems when I try to do anything that involves physical effort. Sure, I can do pretty much everything I’ve always done over the years; but sometimes it takes longer, and other times it hurts. Even getting out of bed can produce very annoying SNAP!! CRACKLE!! POP!! noises those Kellogg’s Rice Crispies commercials touted back in the day.

Thankfully, my eyes seem to be “hangin’ in,” as Aunt Joyce used to say. Just before retirement I went to the eye doctor for a checkup, and I was told I passed the driver’s test without glasses. He also mentioned an onset of cataracts, “but no need to do anything about it.” Same diagnosis as my last exam which I think was about 4 years ago. I use readers to compensate for aging lenses inside my 66 year old eyeballs; but otherwise I see pretty well. Or at least I thought I did, until two days ago.

I woke up the other day and put my glasses on to read while in the… um… library (bathroom). Weird… my right eye was seeing strangely fuzzy text. I took off my wire frame glasses, rubbed my eyes a bit, put them back on and resumed reading. Still a little fuzzy. After breakfast I opened my laptop and started reading some e-mails. “What’s up with this right eye??” I wondered to myself. Went in the bathroom and doused both eyes with eye drops. Put the glasses back on. Seemed a little better… oh wait… nope!! Still fuzzy.

Now I’m getting a bit frightened.

Took the glasses off again, this time soaked a washcloth in very hot water and applied the hot compress to my eye; hoping this method could dissolve whatever this film might be. Put the glasses back on… Nope!! Now I’m getting scared. I sought out my Honey Pie (glasses still on). “She’s a nurse,” I told myself, “she’ll notice if something is wrong.” “Honey!!” I pleaded. “Can you look at my right eye and tell me if it looks OK?” She gazed carefully… “No, I don’t see any film or anything.” She did mention maybe I had an indentation on one side of my eyeball, but seems like I clunked myself there many moons ago. But I was primarily getting upset about my vision.

My magnifying mind started wondering if I had some sort of obscure stroke; or how I should type out a search string on the interwebs to figure out what the heck the deal was. Off I went to the bedroom for something (who knows why). There on my nightstand was a lens from a pair of glasses. MY pair of glasses. The ones I was wearing!! The instant I saw this lens, all I could do was laughed very hard.

So my friends, as you can see, this getting old stuff ain’t for sissies. And it seems that no matter how old I get, some of the terrible things that plague my existence are completely imagined by my magnifying mind. The miracle for today is: I CAN SEE!! It’s AMAZING!! And I can laugh about it.

Life is good.

When I grow up, I wanna be like Grampy….

Wow… what a difference a week makes!! Last week I was merrily hopping around, hugging all my friends, shaking hands, enjoying life, the universe, and everything. This week, I still merrily hop around, and I still enjoy life, the universe, and everything; but no more hugging or shaking hands. For those I hug, I’m switching to the following procedure: I look the person in the eyes, smile, and say “I Love You.” Same as a hug really…

Well, almost.

I work in a factory, and thankfully we have a big shrink wrap machine. So for my own protection I’ll be getting shrink wrapped every day for the next few weeks. I’ll put drinking straws in my nostrils so I can breathe, and just hop around like that. For safety you see. I’m not quite sure what I’ll do when I need to go to the bathroom. Oh, and eating lunch might be a challenge. Holy Carp!! I’ll need my hands to work!! So I guess no, I probably shouldn’t do the shrink wrap thing.

I consider myself a pretty healthy guy. You know, a strong immune system and such. However, the facts are very convincing. I’m getting older now, and I could become very ill if I get this virus. But even if I get just a mild case, or don’t get infected at all, I have to be very wary and stay germ free for the sake of my Beautiful Girlfriend so she doesn’t get sick. And I sure don’t want to inadvertently pass a bug to someone else who has a family member that could suffer badly from COVID-19. I’ll admit I was not eager to stop hugging; nor to avoid gatherings. But this really does need to be taken very seriously. We all just need to work together and change how we interact with each other so we can slow this stupid virus down. All the guidelines are being blasted into our eyes and ears in the form of TV and radio news reports; and of course all the internet is roaring with stories.

We just need to help each other get through this. I’ll sure I’ll be fine… I’m spoiled rotten. I’m very grateful that I have income, plenty of food, and no debt. I am blessed with enough that I was able to donate some bucks to our local rescue mission this week. I consider that to be the very least I can do. Many folks are not nearly as fortunate as me. I pray for them often, and I’ve been praying for them even more often lately.

My friends, if you see me out and about, it’s probably because I need groceries and so on. My Lovely Bride and I are laying low to avoid direct contact with people as much as possible, until otherwise directed. If you normally get a hug from me, I hope you’ll understand when I keep some distance and say “I Love You” instead. And of course, I refuse to stop being silly. I’ll continue to post very silly things on Facebook in an effort to help people smile. I will also be using a strange type of technology called a telephone to check in on friends from time to time. We have one of those weird landline things that has an ancient device known as “The Answering Machine.” If you know our home number, be prepared; I plan to change the greeting often for your amusement (it’s possible I have a little fun with my recordings).

We can get through this. If we all do what’s recommended; things will improve. But I must say, nobody told me there’d be days like these!!