Although it seems to be getting increasingly painful, I read the news. Did you know that some idiot that lives in the White House just declared that Lake Ontario will be officially renamed to Lake of America?? It makes me to barf on the ground. First the Gulf of Mexico, now this. And the billionaires who support him are marching in lockstep… Apple maps and Google maps both display the “Gulf of America” even though Mapquest still displays the correct name: Gulf of Mexico.

Oy yoy yoy.

Well maybe we could really mix it up. You know, like maybe we could all just start renaming people, places, and things to whatever the heck we want them to be. I’ll begin, then any of you who wish to play can join in. We’ll call the game “I Hereby Declare…” The only rule is to use an example of the new usage in a sentence.

I hereby declare:

Hot dogs are to be renamed radishes. “I’d like two chili radishes and some fries please.”

New York City is to be renamed New Orleans, and vice versa. “We’re really geeked about seeing the Empire State Building during Mardi Gras. Then we’re going down to Louisiana for some famous New York style jambalaya.”

Dogs are hereby renamed lamprey eels. “Yesterday I took my lamprey to get it neutered. It didn’t seem very happy because it chewed up the pillows on the sofa while I was at work.”

Red will hitherto be referred to as orange. “I’m sorry officer, I didn’t see that the light was orange. I’m sure I hit the light when it was yellow and I probably should have stopped… but I continued on and pulled over because my lamprey eel was eating a chili radish and got a mess all over me.”

Beans will now be called fartpoppers. “Mmmm I’m hungry. Hope there are some left over Boston baked fartpoppers!!”

And least but also last:

Seconds are now to be called as years; and years shall be called decades. “Yes I know I’m 72 decades old, but just for the fun of it I learned that my new Toyota Camry LE will go from zero to sixty in just 10.3 years.”

OK that’s probably more than enough. Not sure what we can do to stop the madness that’s oozing out of the White House these days. Seems like November is too long to wait.

Anyway, as Mr. Cleese would have said, “And now for something completely different.”

I’ve been very busy thinking about the world and all its problems. In doing so, I’ve become increasingly aware that I cannot solve much… but what I can do is try the very best I can to improve the environment I find myself in at any given time. I try to be kind and loving to every soul I meet. I also do my best to respect Mother Nature. So anyway I feel I’ve learned a few things over the years; and have gathered some words of wisdom I wish to present to you at this time for your reading pleasure.

I may have made some of these up…

0!) First rule: don’t sweat the small stuff. Second rule: Everything is small stuff.

z) Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

L) You can pick radishes before they are ripe, and they will still be red.

6) I’ve learned to be grateful for my big nose… it keeps my feet dry when it rains.

@) If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you peaches, make applesauce.

14) Listen… do you smell something?

8x) I keep my snacks in folders so I can organize them according to calorie content.  However, some snacks are not easily folded.

&) Some Of The Most Delicious Snacks In The Previous Entry Item (8x) Are Capitalized To Enhance Their Complete Lack Of Nutritional Value.

Bu) Only the best Yo Vonkeny may be stored under the Mizzlepop Trees.

r9) I really need to quit stuffing donuts in my ears. But they are so soft!!

Woo) My window snakes can’t jump anymore; but on a scale of 1 to 34 it smells like root beer is my favorite color of the alphabet.

And finally, that age-old proclamation of mine:

It’s always better to be you than for you to be me; and although you can count to it, EIGHT is a word.

Thank you for enduring this horribly inflammable laundry hallucination. May you always be cheerful and incredibly crinkly during your remaining Earth years.

I’m going back to bed now, but not until after the video.

Sincerely But Inexpensively Yours,

Halvert Bonklesnorts
Inventor of Dead Trees

Dear Buttonpopplers,

This letter is to address the desire / craving / need you never expressed regarding a cool yet refreshing beverage that is both fluffy and indigestible during working hours. I’m happy to report that I have invented a new and irresistible dust flavored soda made of wholesome, all natural components we have all learned to tearfully disintegrate.

I’m calling my new drink “BOOF!!,” which must always be spelled with inverted angle iron bedazzled with very appealing frost covered pebbles. “BOOFF!!” gets its amazing flavors from only the most exceptional, fruity, crunchy laundry water which is carefully harvested from environmentally sanctioned veterinary noodles. The texture of this amazing drink is in no way similar to cotton candy that’s been uncarefully blended with fermented popcorn. However, the swirling purple strands gyrating in the bright orange liquid is truly convulsive to even the most die-hard soda pop guzzling professionals.

We’ll be packaging “BOOF!!” in only the finest recycled dish detergent containers. This method has been found ineffective in destroying harmful bacteria and other toxic organisms, especially those named “Piffy” or “Zonikula.” An added benefit is, of course, the flavor enhancements that are derived from the hyperpolysyllabic cultural centers of Bonkyootalvoningabibnia and Haverstanky-Wofflekaboomerang.

Nobody ever goes to either of those imaginary places.

So my friends, please do not remind me of what I was actually supposed to convey here. I’ve been writing this important announcement in my sleep and I do not wish to be disturbed by any regurgitation noises after you’ve finished drinking several gallons of “BOOF!!” Why you would even purchase such a product is a complete mystery to me. Of course, I also am profoundly mystified by thoughts of how many fingernail fragments I’ve discarded over the years.

Is there a container large enough in my garage for all those clippings?? I just don’t know!!

Please be well. Oh and by all means, please remember: DON’T DRINK “BOOF!!” It is likely to make you to barf on the ground.

Insincerely yours,

Vorgnoot Jibbleflapper

Your very pungent neighbor

This may be EXACTLY how “BOOF!!” is made. Or maybe not at all!!

Holy moly, it certainly is holy smoky outside. Smokey Bear is probably crying much of the time these days. All the terrible wildfires in Canada and northern U.S. Very sad indeed. And whether we’d like to admit it or not, it’s basically all our fault.

Huh??

No, I’m not trying to say all these fires were started by humans. Some of them were, but many were caused by lightning. Hot, dry summers are creating tinderboxes in many of our woodlands with very unfortunate results.

No, what I’m getting at is this pretty well known scientific fact that human activities are causing our lovely planet to heat up. We burn too many fossil fuels, we remove too many forests, and we raise too many livestock; and all these endeavors are causing greenhouse gases to get trapped in the atmosphere. The result, the Earth is warming up.

Here’s a site that sums it all up quite nicely:

https://maweb.org/what-are-some-human-activities-that-contribute-to-global-warming

So what can we do?? Well there are lots of things, but we’ll all have to work together to make any dents in the warming trend that has already become quite evident. Here is my own personal list that may or may not give you some ideas of steps we can take to mitigate global warming.

1. Eat less macaroni and cheese (the kind in the box). Bet you didn’t expect that to show up on the list!! Well think about it: making the macaroni involves using energy, packaging it uses energy, and producing all the “cheese” (God only knows what all those chemicals are) also consumes energy. Then the product has to be shipped… more energy use. In other words, eat fewer processed foods.
2. Buy fewer toys. Am I a buzzkiller or what?? I can’t help myself, especially when it comes to techie toys. For why do I say this? Well I retired from IT, and my long career in technology has pointed out something very striking to me: we humans could survive very nicely with stuff that just works. I mean, do we really need an iPhone 29 ½?? Yes, I know that model hasn’t come out yet. But my “brand new” iPhone 8 has worked just fine for 9 years… I did get a new battery installed last year but otherwise it works very well. A friend of mine was complaining she couldn’t add a certain app on her aging phone because the IOS was not the latest and greatest version. My phone won’t do the newest version either… and my philosophy is simple: if I can make calls, sent texts, and go on the interwebs, there are lots of apps I can do without.
3. Drive less. Use public transit, a bicycle, or even walk. Automobile exhaust is a big contributor to global warming. Some of us can’t or maybe just won’t drive less. Well in that case, at the very least get a more fuel efficient vehicle. Less gas burned equals fewer emissions.
4. Mow less. Am I an agitator or what?? I can hear the moaning: “Oh sure, now he’s trying to steal our lawns!!” Maybe just mow less often? Maybe make the area you mow a bit smaller? Maybe quit using fertilizers and weed killers… all those chemicals are pretty harmful ya know. Maybe plant some trees?? Am I a pain in the hiney yet??
5. Oh here’s a weird one: VOTE. Go to the polls and vote for folks who understand how vital Mother Nature is to our survival. She can’t speak for herself you know… it’s up to us. Well OK, she actually does speak for herself, but it sure doesn’t feel like enough people are listening.

Well there are a lot more suggestions I’d love to impart, but I’ll hop down off the soap box now. Sure, there are no easy answers; but all the stuff I just ranted about is by no means new information. But when I think about the origins of Earth Day and the all too prevalent lack of regard for our environment; I get a little sad inside.

Let’s try to work together on this. Smokey Bear would appreciate it.

Dear Homosapiens,

Please tell yourselves and any other creatures you may know that I’m writing to inform you that love is the most useful activity in which we can indulge. As you may already know, love includes tolerance, kindness, friendship, smiling, hugs, and courtesy as important and nourishing parts of everyday life. Oh gosh, did I say important and nourishing??

Yes I did.

You see, my professional opinion is that love is not merely something desirable as a way of living, but it is also quite necessary and nourishing for the soul. Therefore I feel it’s important to love each and every creature, plant, and even soil particle with every fiber of our being. We are all part of this entity we call Nature, are we not?? Love is what ties us all together; and if you don’t believe me, please feel free to ask me some time.

Does this mean that we must open our homes to invite hardened criminals or other nasties into our homes for a nice meal?? We could, I suppose, but I know of some folks who I likely will never invite to my house. However, I really do try to remember that we are all children of the Universe and we therefore all deserve to be loved unconditionally. My sincere belief is that we are all interconnected, so it’s important for me to realize that negative energy releases toxic vibrations into the Universe. Criminals and other sadly afflicted individuals already have more than enough negativity stuffed into their nostrils and other body passages. It’s important for me to regard such types as spiritually ill, and pray for them until the cows come home if necessary. If the cows don’t come home, I pray all the more. Heck, I pray even if the cows have been home for a very long time!

In other words, I believe I should love everyone; but that doesn’t mean I must like them.

These ideas were at one time completely foreign to me. When I was younger and much more foolish, I would sometimes revel in the idea that it was OK to label someone as a jerkface stinkerbutt. I would sometimes even try to vent my feelings with single-fingered sign language while driving by in my car. Or perhaps I would seriously entertain the thought of offering them some Dog Poop Surprise for a snack. At the very least, I would find myself judgemental and often resentful of the person’s mere existence. This is all very bad juju.

Now I am much older and (I hope) a little less foolish.

Thankfully, I received what I refer to as a gift of desperation a few decades ago that helped me realize my judgemental and resentful tendencies were not at all healthy. Bottom line: I really needed to grow up!! I sought and received help from professionals and loving friends, and am happy to say that I’m feeling pretty content 99.9% of the time. When the other 0.1% tries to creep in between my ears, I focus on being grateful. Even if things seem icky, it’s a rare day when I cannot I enumerate at least 5 things for which I can be thankful. And of course when I start getting into the “jerkface stinkerbutt” mode, I pray for the person (or people) to be happy and healthy all the day long.

Sometimes I have to pray several times.

As I mentioned, I needed to grow up; and that endeavor is and always will be a work in progress. These days I find peace of mind much more valuable than money or any other material blessing I might find lying around the house. I’m especially grateful I have people in my life who are like minded, loving souls.

Life is good; and I hope and pray it is good for all of you.

“And now,” as Mr. Cleese used to say, “for something completely different.”