New Tasting Tanks
by Hyram C. Gilmore on Jan.28, 2012, under Happy Friday!!, Pure Silliness
Hello Abnardles,
Just a quick note to inform you all that new tasting tanks have been installed in Room 1023. You can enjoy the flavor of any gravy or fruit salad by merely entering the tank and setting the knob to 2.3 while pointing your index fingers to Alpha Centauri and / or Cleveland.
Please be certain to wear protective clothing while tasting the new entries on the Flavor Dial. No one is completely certain as to the
effect of cutting the cheese in the confines of the tank. The new entries, of course, include Swiss, Roquefort, and Toe cheeses. Each
has a luminous cramp lantern designed to strike fear in the hearts of any lingering sleeveless mole wrench hydrocarbons. Enjoy the scented antler handles in full view of the sinus chipper mechanism.
My ears are full of sand.
If you have any questions about the use of the tasting tanks, call 800-400-0001 and ask for Mr. Crinkleberry. He will never really
help you, but he is an excellent listener and has been known to make really good dingleberry jam.
Sincerely yours,
Navnik Obblesoot
a.k.a. “He Who Burns Dust Mites”
————————————————-
“Please pass the ketchup, I think it’s going to rain.”
Rock The Vote!! Again, And Again, And Again…
by Ken Hansen on Jan.20, 2012, under Happy Friday!!, My Two Cents
Say what?? A little early for voting, isn’t it? Many of us in the U.S. are already pretty sick up and fed with election crap, and really ready to leave all that junk alone and move on with life. Whether you are physically (or just spiritually) “Occupying Wall Street” or a Tea Party member, there is sure to be much more activism and mudslinging between now and November. Either way, political rhetoric has already reared its ugly nostrils and is sniffing in the deliciously annoying media compost bins. Many of us will march to the polls and cast our votes, and some who complain the loudest will abstain (sigh).
As my good friend (not) Mr. Nixon would have said, “let me say this about that.” We need to determine what kind of planet we want to live on, and more importantly, what kind of planet we want for our kids. So, we all need to rock the vote. Again and again. Not just with ballots, but with each dollar we spend. Now, I can’t tell anyone what to do, but here are some examples of how I “vote” and why:
Chemical Fertilizers, Pesticides: I do not buy them. Ever. Why? Fertilizer is available naturally in most places where plants grow naturally. Composted leaves, grass clippings, and manure are good examples of soil building materials, and are natural fertilizers. I do have to consume some energy to retrieve these things. However, much more energy is consumed mining, processing, packaging, and shipping fertilizers and pesticides. A lot of petroleum is used to support this industry in the form of fuel for energy, and petrochemicals for processing. And let’s not forget how they are packaged, either in paper bags (bye bye trees) or plastic bags (petroleum again!). And even more wonderfully, the factories that manufacture these goodies pollute, and when it rains their products also pollute. And don’t even get me started on “weed and feed.” Our lawn gets mowed, that’s it. The neighbors probably cry when my dandelions are in bloom. We think they are pretty, and the bees love them. In the garden, we get some pretty awesome veggies that we grow organically. We do not spray any crops to keep the bugs off, but rather we use crop rotation and companion planting to keep insect damage to a minimum. I’ve heard some folks say, “without fertilizers and pesticides you would not have all that wonderful produce you see at Meijer.” Well that is simply a crock of moose juice. Anybody notice the proliferation of certified organic produce at the supermarket?? Huh?? Guess what? Those growers are doing pretty well these days.
Packaged Meals: First of all, blech. Sodium, ingredients I can’t pronounce, sodium, and more sodium. Most packaged meals are packed full of chemicals, which are made by chemical plants. Chemical plants consume energy and pollute. More petroleum. The chemicals they make pollute our bodies. We try to eat fresh whenever possible. Oh, and not to forget the packaging: plastics and paper. More dead trees, more dinosaur juice.
Automobiles: My hot rod is a Toyota Corolla. I get 35 miles to a gallon, sometimes more. My lovely wife has a Toyota Matrix, which will also get over 30 mpg. My next commuter car will be a hybrid which I hope will get at least 50 mpg. Ultimately I will be working closer to home so I don’t have to burn so much dinosaur juice. Our planet has a finite supply of oil, and cars are just a small part of the consumption of it. Call me a “tree hugger,” or whatever other radical environmentalist label you like; but Hummers and Escalades and the like should be illegal (in my professional opinion).
Electricity: “Turn the lights off!! Whaddya think, we own the Edison?? That’s what your Grandma and Grandpa would say ya know.” My beautiful wife would shout this at the kids to remind them that power costs money. She used “the Edison” to refer to the power company because when she was a kid growing up near Detroit, that was the name of the outfit that ruled the electrons. So she echoed her mom and dad when yelling at our kids. We must have raised them right, they both confess to be habitual light switcher-offers (yes, I know that’s horrible grammar). Here again, electricity generation relies a lot on fuel, whether it’s coal or natural gas or whatever. There is more and more alternative energy available these days but the percentage is meager compared to the output of fuel burning plants. More demand equals greater dependency on petroleum, either directly (burning to generate power) or indirectly (shipping coal). During the Arab Oil Embargo in the seventies, Mr. Nixon (holy cow, I mentioned him again) urged everyone to conserve. Businesses were urged to turn off all lighting except that required for security or safety reasons when they closed up shop for the night. Drive past any shopping mall and see if this is the case these days. I think just a couple people are leaving the lights on!!
Think Globally, Act (buy) Locally: “Everything’s made in (expletive deleted) China!!” That’s the refrain my lovely girlfriend and I chant when we go shopping. Never thought I’d actually say it, but I do my best to buy goods that were made locally or at least as close to home as possible. And yes, I do find myself looking for the “Made in USA” label. Of course, we buy things that are made abroad, but having some awareness is vital. Keeping the dollars at home help our communities thrive.
Well, I could go on and on, and this could become a very very long Happy Friday. Suffice it to say that I would see more people join a movement of ”Let Every Dollar I Spend Send A Message.” And yes, there is much more that I could do… I sometimes spend my money on crap just like anybody else.
But I also vote as often as I can.
How To Cure A “Sinus Infection”
by Ken Hansen on Jan.14, 2012, under Happy Friday!!, Pure Silliness
Ever have a cold that just didn’t seem to go away? Well I have one that started on October 13, at approximately 12:17 PM and still isn’t quite gone yet. Perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration… but seriously folks, this “cold” has been here way too long. My nose gets stubbed up, add it starts rudding, and then I hab to use up the whole box of tissues every hour; which has become rather expensive.
The beautiful woman I live with shocked me the other day when she said, “Honey, your cold is lingering way too long. I think you have a sinus infection.” I’m not sure how she can feel qualified to say such things. Just because she’s a nurse and does in home care for people (and maybe knows a thing or two about healthcare) doesn’t give her the right to make wild accusations about some lousy cold her husband has.
So to prove her wrong, I have invented a number of methods that are certain to bring this so-called “sinus infection” to its knees, so to speak. I thought I’d better pass these on to all of you because I’m sure you are interested in following my exact instructions. Without any further ado, here are the methods, in order of magnitude.
1) Get an eighteen inch length of surgical tubing and shove it deeply into your nostril. Connect the other end to a faucet using an appropriate adapter. Turn on the water quickly, then off just as quickly. Be certain to turn the faucet completely on during this operation to apply maximum pressure. Repeat on the other nostril, then repeat the entire procedure at 3 hour intervals. This will flush out any germ infested mucus.
After 2 days, if symptoms persist:
R) Continue with the water flush, but after each flush use an ordinary toothbrush to clean each nostril. Be sure to remove any clingons from the bristles after each flushing operation. Discard the clingons in the usual manner: rub them on the underside of the sofa or flick them into an inconspicuous corner.
Still having difficulty? I see… try this:
9) Place a birthday candle inside each nostril. DO NOT LIGHT THE CANDLES!!! Whadda you, crazy??? Sheesh! Hold each candle between thumb and forefinger and apply inward pressure while twirling the candles back and forth. This will lubricate your nasal passages and allow clingons to be more easily removed in steps 1) and R)
Still hab a stubby doze?? OK, one more try:
@*) Request the assistance of a trusted friend or loved one. Hand them a ping pong paddle, have them stand behind you with the paddle held parallel to the back of your head. Have them be ready for “the signal.” Fill a glass with ginger ale and place two drinking straws in the glass. Insert a drinking straw into each nostril. Now you are ready to give “the signal,” at which time your helper should whack the back of your head with the paddle. This will cause an involuntary snorking of ginger ale deep into your sinuses; which will of course fizz out any congestive fluids.
I personally have not tried any of these methods, so once you’ve given them a whirl please report back to me as to their effectiveness.
So… remember that nurse lady I’m married to? Well guess what she did?? She said, “Honey, you need to go to the doctor.” Now, we’ve been married for awhile and I’ve learned (too often the hard way) that all goes much better if I follow orders.
I went to the doctor. He said, “you have a sinus infection.” “Oh,” I replied. “What do I need to do?” “I’ll prescribe some antibiotic pills for you,” he answered.
I got the prescription filled for FREE at our local pharmacy!! Is that cool or what??
So what, do I just shove these up my nose???
__________________
Oh… the doctor also said I should get some rest…
Pass The Leaves And Roots
by Hyram C. Gilmore on Jan.07, 2012, under Happy Friday!!, Pure Silliness
OK, so there I was, at work, in the industrial manufacturing stress pile that seems to grow smellier with each passing hour, no plane, no parachute, and thinking about writing a run-on sentence, with no semi-colons but only commas, and probably grammatically incorrect; but that doesn’t bother me one little bit; oh wait, there are a couple of semi-colons back there.
On this particular day at work, I was heating up my lunch in the nuking machine. My friend Mary saw the vegetation in my Pyrex bowl and said, “you eat a lot of leaves.” I smiled and said, “yes, and today I have leaves, roots, and the flesh of a dead bison.” I mentioned that I intended to consume kale, collards, parsnips, and some bison meat from Oleson’s in Manistee. Mmmm-mmm yummy.
At this point she ran screaming through the top floor window while her ’65 Mustang was in flames and all the propane tanks burst into an explosive conflagration causing the air to become very brightly orange but then black with smoke as the rest of the cars in the parking lot exploded one by one and the military came in full force to let the cat into the shower so she could drink off the floor while the Happy Friday Ken Guy wrote yet another run-on sentence with nary a comma or semi-colon to be found within the whole darned thing.
That crazy Nevvie… she loves to drink off the shower floor! We believe she may be addicted to shower water. She is 17 years young and will broop and mee-roouu until one of us turns the shower on for just a bit. Then of course we must let her know we are OK with her going in there to drink. It’s a ritual you see. Shortly after she gets her drink, the earth’s crust splits open and large steel structures vault toward the sky while people are screaming and running for cover and toasters are flying sideways through the violent winds that are generated (of course) by the huge bats that arise from the bowels of the planet and OH MY GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE get down and hide behind this big rock OH NO THE TREE MONSTERS ARE STEALING ALL THE ROCKS those dirty selfish stinkers they wish to protect themselves and who gives a flying mahookey about us, right, we should be grateful the trees are safe and there’s yet another run-on sentence with questionable (at best) grammatical structure.
OK. So, what have we learned from this week’s installment of “Goats On Parade?” Well boys and girls, we’ve learned that some guy who works at an explosion factory likes to eat leaves, roots, and bison meat from Oleson’s grocery in Manistee Michigan. We could also possibly infer that the author of this week’s installment of “Radio Sandwich Dust Lanterns” is prone to writing run-on sentences. Also, a very likely possibility is that I, the author of this week’s “Happy Burger Filled Sock Drawer” may have had a stressful work week and am simply trying to blow off some steam in the form of nonsensical rants that have absolutely nothing to do with the Republican Primaries.
Therefore, I implore all of you: Please, if your job is stressful and ouchy, PLEASE remember that work is what you do for a living; but it does not necessarily have to define who you ARE. In my case, four egg sample, I’m grateful I have a job, but if I let the stress consume me I’m no good to anyone at all. Hence, I will be sometimes known as the person who sends messages to his peers with the following content as an example:
My dustflute sings much better than our dog’s frozen trumpet.
None of you may ask, “hey Ken, did you have a stressful week at work?” And of course I would reply, “does a chicken have lips? Is a frog watertight??”
I had a chocolate chip cookie at lunch today.
It was truly constabulatory!!
“Now,” as Rocky would say, “here’s something we hope you’ll really like!”
Please Enjoy The End Of The World (Have A Happy New Year)
by Ken Hansen on Dec.30, 2011, under Happy Friday!!, Pure Silliness
Greetings, fellow Silver Chinklers,
I come in the knowledge of wishing you the Happiest Merry of all Years, with dotted Ts and crossed eyes following all of your newly configured radial sandwich flavors. It is very and ultra important that we greet this new year, simply because it is the very last year we will ever have in our living lives because everyone knows the world will end on January 37, 2012 at precisely 1:49 pm.
That of course means that we must fill our Tupperware with pledges of doing remarkable things. As you may already know, pledges are words that express an intent to do something. Politicians know the value of a pledge. They use them to get elected and, once in office, they do what they bloody well want. But when you come right down to it, when people make promises about this or that at the beginning of a brand new year, they have a lot in common with politicians. Many people make pledges, but how many fulfill them?? This I am unable to know.
One thing I do know is that 2012 brings a new president, and also some other electoral zoomophones. It really does my heart good to know that many of our politicians are making more money than I will ever see in a lifetime. And I’m also truly inspired by their ability to honor the wishes of the vast majority of we, the people of the United States Of This Place Here.
It’s possible I’m being slightly sarcastic here. So in other words, those stinkin’ yoyos in Congress make me to barf on the ground. Actually there are all too many world leaders that seem to enjoy torturing us. Their aloofness and holier-than-thou attitudes just give me the warm fuzzy noodle constipation that every mom loves. But I know that it’s always easier to find fault with others than to look inward, so I thought I’d better lay out a plan for my own self improvement. Therefore, I beg of each of you to elect me as your next Filibuster Yakkity Yak Doo Dah Day for 2012. My plan for self bereavement lies below.
Please be indecently aware that I have incubated the following Noo Yeer’s Revolutions:
1) To remind myself that I need to remember those things which I can’t seem to recall.
What was that again? What was I thinking about…??
R) To lose weight, gain it back, lose it again, and lose some more until my nostrils can be used for sidewalk painting without fear of changing lanes abruptly.
Please pass the pepperoni flakes and the coagulated skim milk.
24) To change lanes abruptly so all weight loss can be vehemently avoided.
Watch out for that tree!! It has a scale near it!!
++) To boldly go where no earthworm has ever dined before.
Ummm… you gonna eat that compost??
3X) To be nice to all people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Excuse me sire, your toupee is on fire. May I stomp it out for you?
T5) To dress in all recyclable clothing, in order to lighten the load on my laundry licking machine.
I especially favor the milk jug socks and the recycled string bikini underwear.
Z44) To unite all small countries in a global effort to stop Barney from eating my cake.
Alright boys, this is it… you clunk him on the cake eater and I’ll knock the stuffin’s outta him!
and finally:
9) To sing loudly about how wonderful it is to be alive, ever reminding myself that work is a joy and that complaining is tantamount to feeding dogfood to caterpillars. In other words, no matter how badly I think I have it, I am really a wealthy person. I have received many gifts from the Creator. As Alistair Sim said in my favorite Christmas movie (Scrooge) “I don’t deserve to be so happy, but I can’t help it.”
I suspect that if you are reading this, you are wealthy also. You don’t think so?? Ok smartypants, lemme ask you these: Do you have a car? Do you have enough to eat? Friends? A warm, safe place to sleep?
You are wealthy. OK?? Much wealthier than those whose lives are consumed with the poison of chasing power and wealth.
So please, all of you, have a most Wonderful New Year of 2012 with New Millipedes under every log you roll. Love your brethren and your cistern. Love your father, your mother, and your Mother (Earth). And above all, be kind to yourself and other living things. You just never know how you will affect those around you, so try to be at your best wherever you find your nose (and the rest of your body).
AND LET US NOT FORGET… 2012 IS THE END OF THE WORLD!!! OH GOD OH GOD!!!
A Happy Merry And A Joyful Wonderful
by Ken Hansen on Dec.23, 2011, under Happy Friday!!
Hello nice reader peoples! With Christmas just around the corner, I wanted to make sure to wish you all a Happy Merry and a Joyful Wonderful. Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, this is a Holiday season, and I hope everyone reading this is happy, blessed and safe for the rest of your living lives. For those of you who shop, I hope it’s all done.
I may be banished to the Beautiful Shed due to my habit of spoiling my Lovely Girlfriend. She just informed me I have five things to open. I may have accidentally bought her several more than that. Hey, I was just responding to the answer to that famous question, “whatchya want for Christmas, Baby??” When she asked me the question, I told her I have everything I need. So I’m getting five presents, which is way more than enough for me. So she may scold me when it’s time to do the Santa Claus thing.
Oh well, I think I’ve found a way to be naughty and nice at the same time. I’ll cram all her stuff into five gift bags! Hee hee!! She’ll never know the difference. Maybe.
OK. Now, on with the Happy Merry and Joyful Wonderful greeting. I sent the following text to several friends already, and as I was sending it out I thought to myself, “Self, this is a good greeting for Happy Friday!!” So, if you’ve read this already, it means you are a friend from work and also on my Happy Friday!! list thing. But if that’s the case, please believe me when I tell you that my heartfelt cranberry jelly is just as incubated here on this silly website as it is at work.
So here it goes, with minor tweaking to fit the eyeballs of all my friends (work or non-work) and family.
This was supposed to be just a quick note to say thank you for helping me during the past year. Whether you know it or not, you have helped me somehow and I very much appreciate it.
Sometimes the only help I need is friendship, which as I’m sure you all know is priceless.
I hope you have not been defronkulized by my silly attempts at humor over the year. My personal philosophy is that when one’s universe or place of employment wreaks havoc on your dendrites, humor is a vital coping mechanism. Just ask Roink, my pet jellyfish. I therefore try to be happy, joyous, and free as much as possible. This of course would never happen without support from the likes of youse. As Ringo has often sung, “I get by with a little help from my friends.”
All this retrospection reminds me of the time back in 1837 when I forced innocent bystanders to enjoy sandwiches of unknown origins. Sometimes you just have to take the candy cane by the toes and introduce previously undiscovered bacteria to the water supply. Until some other method of growing pencil cases in the wild is developed, I shall continue to shout into my coffee cup to see if the sound can be stored for more than 25 milliseconds.
Thank you again for being you. You are the best you I’ve ever known, and I would never have discovered this if you weren’t you.
And please remember: it’s always better to be you than for you to be me; and although you can count to it, eight is a word.
Happy Jinglehearts,
Kenny Kromkakejern.
Now click your heels and go back to 1948 for a moment.
Scared The Dickens Out Of Me!
by Ken Hansen on Dec.17, 2011, under Happy Friday!!
Way back in 1843, Charles Dickens’ first edition of A Christmas Carol was published. Since then, numerous theatrical and film adaptations of the book have appeared over the centuries. My personal favorite is the movie “Scrooge,” from 1951 which starred Alistair Sim.
We watched it on TV when we were very young. According to Wikipedia, it was released in the US as “A Christmas Carol” and first aired on TV over WOR TV in New York City in 1954. We lived on Long Island and channel 9 (WOR) came in quite well, so we were treated to all sorts of entertainment ranging from live shows of the day to silent movies of the 1920s.
I’m not sure when I first watched the 1951 version of “Scrooge,” but I know I was very young. I was born in 1954, but I’m guessing I missed the TV debut of the movie that year. However I’m certain I was much younger than 12, which is when our family moved from Noo Yawk to da great Nort Woods of Wisconsin don’tcha know. The point of all this rambling is not to fill all of you in on our journey from the ‘burbs to the boonies, but rather a remembrance of the scariest rendition of Marley’s ghost in the universe. At least, that’s my professional opinion. Even in the original glorious black and white, this scene gave me goose bumps. Still does!
Back then, I got the message alright… Scrooge was a completely selfish jerk and got a chance to reform. Didn’t really hit me until much later in life. These days I cry like a baby when he wakes up on Christmas morning and experiences intense joy for what appears to be the first time in his life. It hits pretty close to home; I spent way too much time in life devoted to selfish things… nearly lost my family as a result. Fortunately I received a “gift of desperation,” through which I acquired a willingness to take a look in the mirror. It was not at all easy but definitely necessary. So this time of year is a time of reflection, friendship, family, and gratitude.
So yes, when I watch my DVD of “Scrooge” from 1951, along with almost any other holiday classic, I often find myself crying like a baby at the “gooshy” parts. And I’m still clinging to the belief that, in my professional opinion, is the scariest performance of Marley’s ghost in the universe.
See for yourself!
Important Gift Ideas: My Holiday Requirements for 2011
by Ken Hansen on Dec.10, 2011, under Happy Friday!!
The holidays will soon be upon us, and this year has much in common with previous years, materially speaking. I told my Beautiful Girlfriend yesterday, “I have absolutely zero Christmas Spirit.” That’s not because I’m competing with the Grinch. Rather, I get a bit somber about all the money spent on gifts each year. I’ve been asked what I’d like Santa to bring me and I keep coming up dry. I really don’t need ANYTHING. I believe we are very fortunate; and there’s really not a darn thing I want.
However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I need to be a bit more assertive about all this Christmas present business. “That’s right,” I says to myself. I says, “yeah… I deserve to get lots of cool stuff from Santa!! I mean, hey, isn’t THAT what Christmas is all about??” I says.
No of course not.
But just in case, at this time I’d like to force each living soul to read my list of demands for gifts. That’s right, I want youse to buy me lots of cool stuff for Christmas and I’m not taking “NO” for an answer. Please take careful notes regarding the following list. Seriously. I mean, hey, I don’t normally ask much of my friends, or anyone else who might be unfortunate enough to stumble upon this silly blog. OK… disregard the note taking. PRINT THIS LIST and waste lots of paper and ink in the name of environmental sarcasm! That oughta show those darned trees and ink chemicals who’s boss!!
OK, enough with the foot dragging; on with the list. These are very specific requests, so please keep in mind that if I receive the incorrect presents, I shall retaliate by daily forcing my cats and dog to watch 61/2 hours of the weather radar channel on our TV (as you can see, my greed is not a force to be underestimated).
Alright, now that I have your attention, what’s next? Oh yes, the list. And please, have mercy on my cats and dog: when you’re out there shopping for me, do NOT vary one iota from this list!!
1) First edition, autographed copy of “My Gravy Stained Tricycle” by Jennifer “Warren” Chrysanthemum. (I’ve been searching for this biographical tome for at least 17 weeks.)
2w) 25 kilograms of industrial quality pizza crusts imported from Moose Mountain, Saskatchewan. (They make the very best, please… no substitutes.)
P9) A lifetime supply of red blood cells. What? We make those ourselves?? Oh, fine!
Zot) 14 rhinestone-studded Tupperware sandwich containers. One simply must not ignore fashion during lunch at the workplace, am I right?
L9G) Genuine plastic containers of cricket milk, preferably the 17 ounce size or larger. (I’m told the chore of milking crickets requires a very small stool and bucket.)
2.K) I could really use some help removing all the broken concrete from the west side of my vegetable garden. I planted it there years ago and I believe it made babies. Please come after dark and bring your own digging tools and floodlights. No need to knock on the door to announce your arrival… and please don’t even think about asking to use the bathroom after getting your shoes all dirty. Just get those stinkin’ things out of there so I can plant more veggies. OK??
B#%) It’s really getting to be high time youse guys brought me some more of those chocolate covered pine cones!!
0QY!) Three mating pairs of vinegarroons. <— Click the link if you don’t know what those are. I intend to cross breed them with vinegarettes as a method of providing self replenishing salad dressing to my cats and dog while they’re watching the weather radar channel.
1n8) Please pass the Altoids. Have you seen my watch? I sure hope there’s enough windshield washer fluid in my car’s washer tank thingy. Hey… is CSI on tonight?
And finally,
X27) One winning Power Ball Lottery Ticket. Just one. A winning one. Thank you.
Very well then. I know there’s not much time… Christmas is coming closer every day. Please just get with the program and take care of all my wants awreddy.
Don’t let Christmas turn into something like what Grampy had to do…
Nokelost, Kromkake, Fiskeboller, Julekake
by Ken Hansen on Dec.02, 2011, under Happy Friday!!, Recipes
No, the title of this week’s Happy Friday!!! is not a string of obscure Scandinavian curse words. They are staples of Norwegian yuletide celebrations. At least, they have been as long as this Norwegian can remember. My memory was jostled by my brother who just called from Wisconsin. He started talking about all these delicacies and I must admit my mouth began to water. Nokelost is a most wonderful cheese. Fiskeboller, literally translated, means “fish balls.” However, please do NOT envision fish genitalia when discussing fiskeboller. Not at all the same thing. Kromkake and julekake are yummy dessert items. Kromkake literally translated means “bent cake” although it’s more like a waffle cone than cake. Julekake simply means “Yule cake.” I’ll let youse kids look them up in Google or something for more info.
Technically, my siblings and I are only ½ Norwegian. Our paternal grandparents were straight from the old country. Mom’s heritage was a bit more mixed: our maternal grandfather was Irish, and our maternal grandmother (Nana) was of Austro-Hungarian descent. Ireland of course still exists but Austro-Hungary was carved up into other nations many years ago after World War I.
Anyway, our family’s Christmases usually leaned toward Dad’s side of the family tree. While we normally didn’t have all four of the above yummies at the same time, it was not unusual for us to have the sweets around this time of year. Kromkake was a staple, along with rice pudding, marzipan, and occasionally some julekake. I still make kromkake the old fashioned way, with an iron over a gas stove. Because we don’t have a gas stove in the house anymore, I have to drag out the propane-fired camp stove each year. This is probably a good thing. As you can see in the picture below making kromkake can be rather messy. Click on the picture for a better view.
Making Krumkake
I’ve learned that this is the old fashioned way by a nice lady at Nordic Delicacies in Brooklyn, NY. She reaffirmed my self-appointed status as a prehistoric hippie guy when I asked her where I could by a Jotul kromkake iron. “Oh my, those are antiques now. Everybody uses the electric ones these days.”
Well OK, not everyone. I’ve seen some new kromkake irons for sale at various places. Even ordered one once, but it was a piece of junk I’m sorry to say. I finally managed to find some after several internet searches. As I recall, my search hit pay dirt when I typed in “vintage Jotul kromkake iron” or something like that.
For those of you who haven’t tried kromkake, well I’m truly sorry to hear it. It’s a delicious dessert or just fun for face-stuffing any old time of day really. Our Dad’s preferred method of serving them was to fill them with a mixture of freshly made whipped cream with lingonberry preserves whipped in at the last stage. Absolutely zero calories. I can prove it! Here’s the recipe I use, which our most wonderful Cousin John (God rest his soul) bestowed upon me several years ago:
Kromkake
4 eggs
1 cup butter(1/2 lb)
1 cup sugar
2 cups flour
6 cardamon seeds ground (1 1/2 tsp)
Cream the butter, sugar, and cardamon. – I melt the butter, then add the sugar and cardamom. Then I use a mixer to “cream” the butter, sugar and cardamon. In other words, mix them together thoroughly. If the butter separates or rises above the sugar, mix some more until they are all blended together.
Beat eggs, then fold eggs into butter and sugar slowly, while stirring – Do not use a mixer on this step!! It makes air bubbles in the mixture which sabotages the batter.
Mix in flour. (use the mixer for this)
Bake.
Now, that final stage, “Bake,” takes a bit of practice. First of all, get the iron nice and hot on both sides. Then touch it with a dab of butter on each face to keep the krumkake from sticking. Get a spoonful of batter and plop it on one side of the open iron. Heat for a bit, then turn the iron over and heat the other side. The first one may be a bit less than wonderful, but practice makes better. Open the iron to inspect until you get the timing right. Once the krumkake has turned a nice tan color (often one side is darker than the other), I use a butter knife to lift the finished product off the iron. Here’s where the finger ouch part arrives: as soon as it’s removed from the iron, roll the finished krumkake on a cone shaped piece of wood; then roll it so it stays on the cone. Let it cool for a few seconds and remove the cone to be ready for the next one. I always roll the cone so the darker side is on the outside of the krumkaker. Also, while I have one cooling on the cone shaped wood thing I’m starting another dollop of batter on the iron. The batter makes about 30 krumkake.
And of course the filling:
1 pint of heavy whipping cream ( I get mine from Meijer… it’s the only brand I can find that doesn’t have any thing other than “heavy cream” in it)
1 14 oz. jar of lingonberry preserves (a can of whole berry cranberry sauce makes an acceptable substitute)
Now to make:
Chill a 2 quart glass bowl in the freezer for at least an hour. Pour the heavy whipping cream in the bowl and use an electric mixer on the highest speed. Move the mixer back and forth through the cream while whipping for faster results. Whip until the beaters will pretty much stand in the whipped cream when removed from the mixer. Add the lingonberries and mix again but only long enough to evenly mix the berries into the whipped cream. Hand the beaters to your favorite loved ones (or whoever calls it first) so they can lick them clean.
Now, the best part, to serve:
Hold the kromkake as if it were an ice cream cone. Put a spoonful of the whipped cream mixture in the cone and shake it to the bottom. Repeat until the cone is full, and hand it to your salivating guest. Continue until everyone gets one, then make one for yourself.
So as you can see, there are absolutely no calories. Ya right, in your dreams…
Happy Black (Eye) Friday!!??!!
by Ken Hansen on Nov.25, 2011, under Happy Friday!!
The holidays can be nice and warm with family gatherings and friendly fellowship. They can also be a bit stressful, what with all the gifts we like to get for those we love. Personally, I’d be very happy to receive nothing more than the basics for Christmas, or any other day of the year for that matter. By “the basics,” I mean clean air and water, good food, a place to stay warm and dry, and the love of friends and family. What more can a person really ask from life? Oh maybe some clothing… I forgot to mention clothes. I’d probably need some of those; don’t want to frighten anyone with my wrinkly old body running around naked or anything.
Anyway, believe it or not there was a time when the term “Black Friday” was not necessarily known as a retailer’s most profitable time. According to Wikipedia, the term originated in Philadelphia some time in the 1960s, and was a negative reference to the large amount of vehicle and pedestrian traffic on the day after the US Thanksgiving. The term soon spread outward from Philly and has since gained recognition throughout the US as one of the biggest shopping days of the year.
However, the negative connotation didn’t completely disappear. I distinctly remember November 20, 1992 because of a different kind of “Black Friday.” The company I was working for was restructuring, which of course meant layoffs. For whatever reason, Friday was always the day of choice to deliver the news to often unsuspecting layoff recipients. That day, my lovely girlfriend saw me off to work, gave me a smooch and said, “have a nice day!” I replied, “well we’ll see, it’s Black Friday.”
I was home by 11 AM with no job.
Being unemployed, at the very least, gives one pause about life, the universe and everything. Oh, and also about money. The layoff was actually a wonderful thing, because it helped me understand what’s really important in life. Also, my next career path turned out to pay better; and my skill set is much more marketable than it was in those days. But as I said, I acquired a new appreciation for the simple things.
Needless to say, I shake my head at the craziness that ensues each year for “Black Friday.” The commercials on TV are amusing but often hit pretty close to home when they mock the insane behavior that accompanies the drive to get a deal. I understand that retailers need to do what they can to get ahead, but encouraging shoppers to camp in front of their entrances seems a bit sad to me. And yes, they really are encouraging the camping out… if that were not true, why would a port-a-potty be strategically placed in front of the store a few days before the big event?
I enjoyed my day off today. I did go to two stores, but not until well after the crazies had their shopping orgy. When I got home, it was time to move some more firewood while listening to 780 AM out of Chicago. Comes in very well here in West Michigan and keeps me in tune with both the time and what’s going on in the world. I was saddened but not shocked when I heard the stories about Black Friday violence. There was the lady who sprayed pepper spray at Walmart in California. One way to beat competing customers!! She managed to make her purchase and exit the store, but when they find her she’ll have a felony assault charge as a nice holiday gift. There were also some Black Friday related shootings and fights sprinkled around the country… a very nice way to enjoy the day after Thanksgiving.
I’ll just keep it simple and shop when nobody is chasing me with a weapon if you don’t mind. And again, I remind my family over and over that the only thing I need for a gift is their love. Well… maybe some music CDs. Oh and some fancy coffee beans… ummm… oh sorry never mind.
I truly hope none of the “Occupy Wall Street” folks are getting tangled up in this Black Friday madness. If they are… well I guess they’re no better than our friend Mr. Greedy Humpty Dumpty here…
