Dear Friends,
The news has been rather stressful lately. One minute we’re enjoying fond memories of The Beatles 60th anniversary of coming to the U.S. on the Mayflower; and the next we’re crying and rolling on the floor about war, corruption, and global storming. I’m so trinkled by all of the fizzpop that I really can’t bear to lick the remote control!! I’m here to say that for me, there is no better stress relief than writing and / or reading nonsense. Well, there probably are other remedies for stress warts, but nonsense has long been a tool with which I indigulate my heretofore unclogged vascular dandruff bazookas.
My things are starting to become itchy!!
Things include chocolate, the wonder drug of the universe. Chocolate is so doggoned good it should probably be a controlled substance. But someone wisely made it into candy long ago, so now it is completely acceptable in foot smelling contests at the Annual Martian Rhubarb Flinging Derby. I often cover things with chocolate. My car is brown and slimy as a direct result of this behavior. This is a bit strange when it gets really warm outside, because as I approach the expressway cruising speed of 47 MPH I get brown globs of mugg that splook the windshield. This challenges my dexterity at times, because I often stick my whole face out the window for chocolate catching. I never enjoyed bug covered chocolate before this very time!!
I rented a Blanex last weekend. I needed to recover the hammer sand that was purging my swamp hockey. Run, run, run down a salty road to find the tingly science filters living in the boathouse. Do you ever expect the train to stop on time? Nobody sees that far, so just resimplify your twenty three percent milktoast warblers and bark moonly at the wild. You’ll never be stronger for it.
My Hair has a VERY ugly pair of pajamas that reeks of GIANT, TWELVE-TOED MONKEY SNAKE ENDOCRINE GLANDS!!! And believe me, that’s pretty darned green and fluffy! I know a fossil hunter when I hear one, and if you don’t put that stink bomb away right now I’ll sell you a brown leather bedpost at the crack of noon! Do you understand me??
Good golly, I hope not.
Now that you’ve sampled the goat raisins, you are ready to progress to the next step: wonkling. Wonkling can be very stationary and exquisitely mobile. Use something to do a task, throw it in the air, and use it no more. This is the way of the stationary wonkler. Change lanes abruptly, apply heat to an iron molecule, and shake your hair until the electrons fall off. This is the way of the mobile wonkler. Wonkle like you’ve never wonkled before. In fact, wonkle as if nobody else is wonkling! That will show them!!
And now for the shaming:
Do you use toothpaste for tire repair? Of course not!
Do you slurp fried chicken through a cheese grater?? I hope so!!
Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?? Absolutely!!
Does cat fur remind you of candles made of Jell-O?? If so, you are my kind of snail sniffer!!
Do you really think you can sip a whole gallon of wrinkle juice in one sitting?? If so, please remember that I find deep fried owl toes a most enjoyable snack while driving heavy whipping cream through the vegetable cemetery.
OK, that’s probably quite enough shame for one year or so. Just remember what COULD have happened. I mean hey, we can’t all be influenced by loofah sponges, now can we??
Remove this teleprompter from your jailing list.
Do it today.
Thank you for the sunrise,
Gleef Vinicktayven
P.S.: My socks are on fire.
And now for a truly delicious version of Bohemian Rhapsody by some of my favorite…um… artists(?)