A lost document (which should have remained lost)
by Hyram C. Gilmore
With the wisdom available to us at the present time, it has been suggested to me that an explanation for our existence on the planet is in order. After spending the last 37 years researching this, I have made some true and amazing conclusions; which I would now like to force each living being to believe. For example, I recently became aware that if you leave your underpants on long enough, they change color. Additionally, continued wearing of underpants after this color change occurs may allow the garment to harbor unpleasant odors and crusty stuff. The only way to alleviate this condition is to place the garment on a flat surface and cover it with birdseed. Take this outdoors. Laugh at the birds for eating the kaka and weewee particles. I am also convinced that yellow things are really stupid. Every yellow thing I have spoken to just sits there with that idiotic yellow way they have. Yesterday I told a balloon about how to change an alternator. The stupid thing just sat there, sitting there, being right there remaining at the place where it was! O obscurity and pickled desk tops! It's like they don't even WANT to communicate. As many of you know, we have been joined together at the elbows. Put one in your mouth and the other in your carbon paper and rotate, as if anyone really cares. That should give the neighbors something to sell shoes about. Of course, I knew all along that they would choose the wrong toothbrush if left alone in a crowd. Documentation has proven that Hawaii has been included in the universe. You can find it under "H" in the new edition of Fronkle's Universal Inventory. Mr. Loofa Noodle is there, and has been named official Captain of the Battle Destroyer Flotation Device Cruise Ship Thing: "Ono-Ahma- Liki"; which regularly patrols the coast of Oopa-Oopa. He and his crew have been on the lookout for fiddler crabs and their pet hair dryers. It seems that when the local fishermen go out on the town, they catch crabs while fiddling; and the hair dryers cry for chicken pot pies. Perhaps the most interesting characteristic about the Hawaiian Toe Jams is the unique geological constipation. Large clouds of black dust hover over the natural beauty of the native insecticide. Tourists from all over the world flock around with their chins in a little dress; and sing about the time I puked all over the dog and he kicked my rosy red piano. Palm trees sway in the bathroom when pigs climb to the top. It is truly a remarkable sight to be dismayed! Tropical customs are in full view of retarded garden tools. Hula dancers wear the traditional grass shirts which come in plaid or velvet. They burn well and are organized according to battery or solar powder. Each dance tells a story just exactly like this: ------------------------------------------------------------ Long ago in Grandfather's beard, a small squid died and stunk for days. All the village Elders offered him fire to drink and hid his remote control. Little children crawled up to see him and chewed off his toes. His own family sent for the Magic Bowl. They filled it with bird runch and mixed in pork, crayon shavings and geek fat. The ceremony began with the first three episodes of "Gilligan's Island"; and when Grandfather started lusting for Mrs. Howell they fed him the Modongo. Very soon Grandfather blortled and fipped. He asked "What kind of bird runch are you feeding me today? Anyhow?" His family laughed at the snackwonder: "OH! AH! HOO!", they bribbled. And that is how this Island got its name. ------------------------------------------------------------ Now, I'm sure you are wondering about the food one encounters in this area of the planet. Well, being the expert you are, let's hear about it! Don't tell me I have to eat those dirt things again! You served those last time, and they made my cats run for president! I'll never be ashamed of my feelings about the time I stuck my hand in that bag of jello and chicken lips you gave me! Last time I was never there, I'm sure I ordered shrimp on the halfshell. The cook was in the garage, busily peeling the breadsticks; when suddenly an overwhelming radio cracked his head three feet long. The waiter took photographs of dead bugs in the air conditioner; but we all knew he sang great songs of urination. You see, when you finally learn to accept that the world is merely a fig in a bucket of lard; everything else shines dimly through rose colored sandbags. This can surely cause religious brethren to noisily teach their children "The Great Spoon Dance." A glazed look falls upon the fat silver necklace camouflage device. With little or no warning, little pajama people excrete a slimy trail of really neat toys which are easy to squeeze and maintain. Many people have been sticking pens up their noses and telling me stories. At first, I thought they were all uncles of mine; but some of them were not women. A common bind between all these folks is that they each have had some sort of crazy requirement in their past. The majority of them used fish for volleyballs; especially when Duane the Root Seller was nearby. Others simply wanted their name in print so they could ring in the New Year with giant fleas. Jumbo shrimp. Military intelligence. Government efficiency. OOOOOOO! TELL THAT OXY-MORON TO GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME! So as you all can see, the truth in this description of life, the universe, and everything is all that it should be. If you ever find yourself groping for answers for one of life's weird stinking disgusting ridiculous and maybe unknown something of what I just said; it probably was the wrong number. Refer to this document often, and you should begin to hallucinate gladly. The Universal Truth Fairy will reveal itself to you; and teach you how to make the best doggoned macaroni and cheese in the whole world. Always remember to worship the little rocks in your driveway. This will change nothing in your spiritual life; but it will make you feel better about squishing their little faces every time you go for a drive. Remember that everything has feelings. If you have neglected to wish your toilet "Happy Birthday", now would be a good time to begin. You'll also begin to discover who your real friends are. Many who have discovered the "Righteous Path of Really True Enlightment Obtained Only From This Here Doo-Dad" are selling their nose hairs. They have finally come to realize that our solar system is really a small pile of dried flies waiting for a ride on the bus. Never would I suggest that the reader adopt this as the only truth known. However, if youse jerks doubt anything that has been written here, I will hire professional laughter addicts to come to your spider's funeral. After all, EVERYONE knows that wiggling a blue car seat in front of surgical instruments causes trees to vomit! My fingernails are actually flashlights which send encrypted messages to Wognord of the Skoldern Galaxy, Sector 23vx! You can pick green radishes and they will still be red. Snails invented rock 'n roll. Cantaloupes will replace ball bearings in the New World order. ALL THESE THINGS ARE IN PRINT RIGHT HERE, SO THEY MUST BE TRUE!! If you don't believe, shame yourself daily and call me in the morning. I'll be right here, waiting for those purple cornstalks to sing me another song. Until then, Peace, Love, Dove and Harry Kirshner. May cat barf cling to your enemies. Tell Mom I forgot to wipe by accident again. Slip sideways through the deep canyons of Life; and remember that it's better to be you than for you to be me, and although you can count to it, eight is a word. Finally, I leave you a small yodel that only Randall the Moisture Merchant can abbreviate: GIVE TRUTH AND HAPPINESS TO ALL YOU MEET, THEY MIGHT LIKE IT.