Dear Ninks and Semmerflubens,

I am writing to all of you from the back yard where no children are stuffing bread into the worm holes. This week has been especially stressful at our house, and a lot has been going on in the news. Therefore, in the interest of clam flavored desserts, I feel the need to remove my corporate tortellini. Those of you who know me are aware that some stressfully sprinkled donuts prompt me to write letters to fire hydrants.

Let this past century of my living week be no Oldsmobile to that incubation.

I was walking through the house world the other day, scowling inside my rib cage and doing my darndest to ignore all the negative everything that comes with life challenges. Soon I found myself saying, “Hey Self! For why you are so poofely?? Don’t you agree that your retirement status brings gas to your table and puts food in your car? Are you not, indeed, a very fortunate person who no longer requires adult supervision at most Twinkie eating contests?? And c’mon man! Get with the gratitude awreddy.”

My Self agreed that grouch makes ouch. I decided I really ought not allow these life challenges to remove my ventricles or extinguish my lapis lazuli.

I therefore decided to embrace the tools I’ve acquired during this marvelous journey called Living, andnot to be El Groucho inside my brain world any longer. At least not for 27 minutes, then I could reevaluate and perhaps even continue another 14 milliseconds. By golly, that may have actually worked. I tried hard to not take things too poisonously. Sure, my Beautiful Girlfriend is ailing, but unless I find a way to successfully clone my onion rings, the firewood will likely expire before Hubert The Closet Painter arrives from Denderflaven. If he gets here before the sauerkraut capsules are fully declawed, there is absolutely no guarantee of the existence of any newly sharpened Jell-O forks.

And we all know what that means!!

So, I’ve decided to just be happy until I feel grouchy again, which seems to come at the most unexpected times, like when I’m doing my best to cook the laundry or wash up some dinner that may or may not be cooked with Credit Card Takeout Holy Mackerel (or at least edible) so I can write run-on sentences with increased vigor and lengthy applesauce.

After all of that new grouchiness, I start my day over again with a new happy and grateful attitude. Then I get grouchy once more, but a little less, and keep practicing the gratitude thing. However, because I am human, there are times when I get wibbly and sing happy songs like:

Leave me alone or I’ll bite you.

Your ears are made of sticks.

Why do you talk to ME like that??

I’ll send you cat logs in the mail!!

This of course is sung to the tune of “Leave Me Alone Or I’ll Bite You.”

Finally, and least palatable, I will commence to jump on a soap box for no apparent reason. I’m saddened by what seems to be an attitude of “Hooray for Me and to Hell with YOU” in our world of freely expressive greedy stinkbottoms. I mean hey, I’m very grateful we live in a free country and hey, you know, when it comes right down to it, most of us are spoiled Americans compared to many folks on this planet. You know, hey? It’s just um… what troubles me, is um… you know, like um… wait a minute, let me hold my smellphone and text someone while you’re trying to talk to me and um… you know, this “America First” stuff seems to be causing a lot of resentment in the world and last time I checked, if a person is silly enough to proclaim himself King Of The Mountain then someone is gonna want to knock them down off the top of that mountain with a giant Tootsie Roll or something much more explosive.

Greed is harming all of us; and it ain’t just an American thing; it appears to be a global thing, and it ain’t no good for Mother Nature neither. We humans don’t own this planet, although we seem to act like the whole thing is ours. These things make me become very figgy and bickety-boo! So then I start getting more with the Grouch Ouch, and I want to go bite a bark flavored tricycle!!

So here again is a time to pause to be grateful rather than grind my toenails or yell at unsuspecting Jinkle Birds. I can also maybe try to spread some kindness by thanking retail workers for keeping stuff on the shelves. Perhaps a donation to the rescue mission is in order. Dang it, I just need to try to spread joy rather than be all grumpy-dumpy. I mean hey, do I have control over people, places, or things?? No, not so much. Just gotta let go, ya know?? Then I laugh at my silliness and life is once again refreshing and full of new opportunities to enjoy fruit and perhaps even the occasional flying insect.

Sometimes I restart my day 479 times or more.

So, how was YOUR week? I think it’s time for some cartoons…