Well it’s the Friday before the Last
Weekend Of Vacation and although I probably should be crying and
rolling on the floor with great sadness and ickety-boo, I am instead
writing a run-on sentence that is intended to sing great songs of
satisfaction that my vacation went pretty darn well because nobody
was injured and I ate more than enough and even got some garden work
done and there were a couple of times when I forgot what day it was
and my blood pressure got the best reading in many moons.
YES!! My blood pressure was
mantivulously excellent when
I checked it the other day. And “mantivulously” is not even a
word!! To those of you who don’t have high blood pressure, this may
seem like no big deal. For me, a reading of 116 / 83 is pretty
doggoned fantabulous. And there’s another word
that isn’t a word!! My Beautiful Honey Pie has often told me,
“Kenny, when you retire, your blood pressure will drop!!” I’m
not quite retired, but almost… and having 10 days off in a row
pretty much feels like what I figure retirement will be (except I
here I am on the 5th
of July, roasting in the heat of the upstairs where my office is,
listening to all the explosives being touched off in the distance,
hoping nobody put firecrackers in Uncle Zermle’s nostrils like last
year, wondering why all these run-on sentences and make-a-believe
words keep flying out of my fingers and onto the screen via the
keyboard, and oh yes, where the HECK do people get all the money for
all these “up in smoke” kaboomy devices?? Anyhow?? OK, I admit
that I have been known to purchase fireworks in the past. Now they
are legal in Michigan, and many people are taking advantage of that.
Some even have displays that look pretty professional! But I’ll be
glad when it’s over… I treasure the peace and quiet over the
kabooms and rocket skreechings.
Well I hope all of you had a bribbulous 4th of July, and that you still have all your fingers and have suffered comparatively little hearing loss. I still have 2.125 days of vacation left, so I’m a gonna go ni-night now to celebrate.
Happy First Day Of Summer!!! I think. Yes. The calendar says so. Wasn’t sure it would ever arrive, judging by the weather we’ve been having. Cool days, much rain, very little sunshine. And this has been going on since pretty much April.
So now it’s finally warming up, and of course hot weather plus recent rains makes the lawn grow like crazy. Then of course it must be mowed. But hey, I’m sorry… I’m still convinced that this is a totally STUPID human custom! Lawn mowing seems so fruitless. We certainly spend a lot of time tending a crop we can’t eat! Well, I suppose you could eat it; but you can never be sure of whether it’s tainted with doggie weewee.
Perhaps the only reason our lawn gets cut is that I have a spouse. Left to my own devices, my yard would probably grow into the giant weed patch that God intended it to be. But our marriage contract would never allow this; so I have come to accept the weekly ritual of beheading the huge conglomeration of plants we call a lawn.
We don’t harvest the clippings or fertilize or anything, just mow. Fortunately, my wife and I agree that the less work a lawn brings, the better off we are. Sure, she would LOVE to have golf course quality turf; but she begrudgingly respects my organic gardening philosophies. In other words, no chemicals are ever applied to our lawn. Consequently, grass grows but so do lots of other green things. Some people are very fussy though; and they water, fertilize, and carefully count the blades of greenery. They want to make absolutely sure that grass and ONLY grass is growing. I’d love to invite some of those types to inspect my weedy ground, and watch them go nuts. Then I’d invite them in for a grapefruit milk shake and rationalize the value of a weedy lawn.
Many of those “weeds” mingling with our grass are actually beneficial! Here are two examples: clover is a legume, so its roots make nitrogen (as all good legumes do), which feeds the lawn. Dandelion greens are rich in vitamins and minerals, and the tender young leaves have long been valued by the French and many other cultures as one of the earliest vegetables available in the spring. And their flowers feed the bees!!
Personally, I find myself grateful for clover and other weeds. They join together with the grass to form a nice carpet at my place; one that I’m not afraid to play Tackle The Grandkids on. If we go a little longer between mowings, we get some beautiful flowers, too! Hate to mow then, because the bees are feeding!
I mean, we must be doing something right, because the lawn is always nice and green, and we never water it. I’m beginning to think there are some sick puppies out there, because I see a lot of lawn watering. There is only one result of watering the grass. It GROWS. Then you have to MOW it. Are there really people in this world that LIKE mowing? If you’re one of this strange breed, lemme check your temperature once. You may have a bad fever that’s affecting your brain molecules.
Some eggplant-headed folks (pardon my French) even post KEEP OFF THE GRASS signs! That’s more anti-American than flag burning if you ask me. How do they mow the stuff if you have to KEEP OFF? They’re probably the same guys who have their automatic sprinklers going full goose Bozo during thunderstorms.
Thank you Uncle Eric, I love “full goose Bozo.” Do you even say that anymore?
Anyway… the kids are grown now, so long gone are the days when I could pass the job to them whenever I could get away with it. Ahhh those were the days… I could actually focus on much more productive chores like spending more time in the garden. And as I pulled weeds and munched the occasional radish, I could daydream about them mowing down my baby trees and flinging rocks at the picture window at 87 mph. But I distinctly remember taking comfort in the fact that they finally understood why I freaked out about all those toys that used to hide in the lawn on mowing day. Nothing like the “ker-CRACK!” of a squirt gun being processed by the mower! Or the unmistakable “VOOOFF!” of a Nerf Ball disintegrating with a single pass.
Oh well. In the interest of domestic harmony, I will continue to obey and help with the lawn. I do the trim with the push mower, and my Beautiful Girlfriend pilots the Cub Cadet. We both wear ear protection in an attempt to save what little hearing we have left. However, I miss the days my Sweet Honey Pie would ride the tractor and sing out loud to the songs I put on her MP3 player. Of course, she had noise reduction headphones on so she can’t tell whether she’s off key. I confess I’ve had a chuckle or two listening to her Cub Cadet Karaoke sessions while I was out running the trim mower.
Where else do you get a free workout PLUS entertainment??
Speaking of entertainment, the cartoon for this week has nothing to do with the lawn, but I found it rather entertaining.
Summer will soon be in full bloom here in Michigan Land, and with warm (and lately wet) weather comes: BUGS!!! RAARRRGGHH!! GET THE GUN! GET THE GUN!
No no, no guns. I’ve often been tempted to carry a shotgun on a walk with me and blast a hole in one of those big mosquito swarms that follows me around. But that might not be practical, and I doubt that the neighbors would appreciate it. And if you use a gun inside, well that makes holes in your home that are unsightly and drafty in the winter. Oh yes, and people can get hurt too (duh).
Sure, I hate mosquitoes and other such nasty insects, but I keep telling myself that Mom Nature has a plan for the stupid things. We rarely use poison to kill bugs… sprays and foggers are usually worse than the bugs you are using them on. I very rarely use bug repellents like OFF or whatever. I’m sorry, but I’d rather suffer than put poison on my body. And in the case of those outdoor foggers, unfortunately they also kill many GOOD bugs. The same goes for in the garden, and because we don’t spray, we get lots of beneficial insects like praying mantis, lacewings, ladybugs and the like.
Other friendly bugs are spiders. Wait a minute… SPIDERS!! ARRRGGHH! GET THE GUN! GET THE GUN! Oh wait, no guns. So ok, we don’t really freak out quite that badly. In fact, spiders actually get a fair trial at our place. I’ve actually learned to appreciate the beauty in those little eight-legged alien beings. Being the organic gardeners that we are, the family has learned to respect beneficial bugs as a valuable resource. Yeah, I know. Spiders aren’t technically bugs. Tell that to your six year old and see how far you get!
Anyhow, spiders don’t strike terror in our hearts these days (ya, right). That statement is pretty much true, especially if :
A) WE KNOW WHERE THE SPIDER IS, AND
12) IT’S THERE WHEN IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE.
To explain item 12) above, I really need to come clean and admit that many spiders have been killed execution style simply by showing up near one of us by surprise. But we really do try to save them if we can and I’ve even grown to the point where I can pick them up…sometimes. If they’re small enough. But when those rascals are crawling on me unannounced, I have been known to do one of two things, either greet them with a sudden KERSMOOSH, or I do a most unusual running dance. I also chant while run-dancing: “OGodHolyCowYoySpiderBig!!!” Or something like that. As I said, spiders will normally get a fair trial at our house. When discovered, they are captured and released in the garden. Spider sightings cause the family to summon me with big voices. If Mr. or Mrs. Spider (How do you tell, anyway? Don’t EVEN ask me to inspect their private parts!) isn’t too large, I’ll scoop it into my palm and carefully encage it in my hand. I set them free behind the compost pile, or someplace where they can find cover. The big ones, however, are strictly jar material.
An excellent critter catching device can be built with a jelly jar and one of those ejector type cards from a magazine. You know, the ones that fall out of a fresh-out-of-the-mailbox magazine when you’re on the potty. They’re easily identified by their large bold print that goes something like: “YES! Send me 956 weeks of Dirteaters Digest for only $34.67, $50 less than newsstand price!“If you don’t have a jelly jar, a drinking glass is also a good bug holder. Such a device is also useful for wasps, which are also beneficial critters. Woe unto the spider or wasp who is in the wrong place at the wrong time, though. Those guys get the old El-Kabong treatment. Know what you have then? Bug guts! Ooo, ocky, yicky. Paper towel, please.
Sometimes rain has fostered a population boom of a garden pest that rhymes with bugs, SLUGS. Man, I hate those things. I remember being totally intrigued by them when I was a kid: “Wow!! A snail with no shell!! Cool!!” Now it’s: “HEY!! These *&%$ things are eating my plants!! GET THE GUN! GET THE GUN!” Oh right… no guns. Anyway, sticking to my organic ways, I won’t buy slug poison. We saw some in the store and I wanted it badly. Very badly. But I figure there’s enough poison on our planet without me spreading more.
I heard years ago that beer will kill them. You pour it into a shallow pan and put it on the ground, and the slugs are attracted and drown in it. I reluctantly bought some a couple years ago for the first time ever in my new old life. I say “reluctantly,” because before I learned my lesson, I’d already bought enough for one lifetime and I very nearly “drowned” in it… if you get my drift. Now my oldness is new and I don’t allow beer (or any other intoxicant) into my body. I’m allergic you see. The stuff makes me break out in traffic violations.
However, the best slug remover I’ve found so far is beer. Kinda funny when I go to a party store and ask for the cheapest beer. I mean hey, slugs don’t care!! If I put a little bowl of beer down near the plant I want to protect, the slugs go for the suds much more readily than they go for the veggies. They are hopeless alcoholics… they drink themselves to death, and don’t seem to care that the bodies of their friends-and-neighbors type slugs are already drowned in the brew. Might be a message there…
Anyway, sure, this organic gardening can be frustrating at times. However, if you plan your garden carefully and encourage natural predators (beneficial insects and spiders), it is also very rewarding to grow food that you know is safe to eat. And yes, of course I realize that slugs may rhyme with bugs, but they are not bugs at all, they’re gastropod mollusks. As far as I know, slugs have no natural enemies.
Well, maybe they have one: ME.
Never had any termite problems, but apparently Popeye has…
There is only one TRUE way to impress
your friends with warmth and love, and that is by sending the
following letter to all of them on a special day that neither of you
will remember. So, since this I am writing this “Happy Friday”
to all of you, my dear, wonderful friends, please take a minute to be
bathed in the loving thoughts in the letter that follows. AND, as an
added bonus, you can easily cut and paste it into your very own,
original, plagiarized letter and send it to YOUR friends! No box
tops or proof of purchase required!
OK? Here we go…
An Open Letter To The Best Friends I Have Never Known
Don’t think for even one minute that you can even for one moment even possibly have a chance to realize anything about the possible chances of knowing what I was thinking a moment ago. Give me a break already. You know what I mean, right? Of course you do, that’s why we’re friends!
It’s been nearly three days now, and
that’s longer than what I had anticipated before the three days
began. That was at least three days ago. Now it is three days
hence, and it feels a lot like three days have gone by. It may seem
redundant to you, but I don’t wish to repeat myself on the point of
being guilty of saying the same thing over again. That would be
redundant, as you may have detected, but I
refuse to be accused of saying the same
thing over again.
Our friendship goes back as far as I
can remember; but to be honest, I can’t remember who the heck you are
or what you look like. All I know for certain is that you will soon
be receiving small packages of soil in the mail. Consider it a token
of appreciation for all the things you have never done for me. The
soil you will soon enjoy will contain very small mites which will
observe you while you go to the
bathroom (they’ve been known to take
notes). Please be aware that if you hear faint, high-pitched
laughter in there while you are bathing, that is just those silly
mites. They carry small video recorders; so don’t be surprised if
your hiney is featured on “America’s Funniest Videos” in
the years to come.
Let’s make a point of having bark salad
sometime at separate restaurants together. Then we can have a nice
telephone conversation with someone we REALLY like, and it would be
much more meaningful than this garbage. You never contacted me in
the first place; so if you think I’m going to write another word
about this, I’m crazy. Take notes at the next sink-plunging session
you get involved in, and remind me to laugh at the resulting jelly
donuts you stepped in during the last Global Crybaby Kaka-Roach
Above all, quit following me. I can
smell you in my dreams. I know the model of automobile you have been
repairing lately. It is futile for you to hide from observation,
there is a satellite transponder in the kitchen with your name on it.
What was your name again? Nevnex? Something like that.
In the meantime, here are some friendly
suggestions you may memorize each day until you lose the list; at
which time I will cease and desist from any further wild cabbage
Jump loudly with bugs; they will
appreciate the entertaiment.
Try not to eat too many crayons.
When you sneeze, grab your neighbor’s
shirt sleeve quickly to avoid spreading snot globs.
Always keep extra cheese in your spare
While shopping, yell “HOOT NAH!!”
very loudly at 10 second intervals while waiting in line.
I am on vacation, and you are not.
Unless of course you are. On vacation. Are you? I am. And I’m
enjoying every minute of it. Please pass the Lemon Flavored Soil
Testing Kit while I rake these flavor crystals into a small, gently
seasoned skillet full of fresh asparagus, mushrooms, peppers, and
Dondo Frijole Jumping Beans.
See there?? That’s what happens when
you work for a very long time, and then vacation comes. Well OK
maybe not. But if I remember correctly, vacation is a time for
escaping reality, at least to some extent. Reality is this: I like
to eat food, and I also enjoy living in a home with electricity that
powers various things I use to enhance my tender hair follicles and
skin cells. Therefore, these conditions (among others) require
money, and that means I need to go to work.
Not sure about you folks, but I work
A) I’m too proud to be a bum and
9Z6) I’m too chicken to be a criminal.
So I must work for my money. However,
I have earned vacation so I am taking two whole days in conjunction
with the Memorial Day weekend. Do the math: that means I get 16
days off in a row!! What?? No??? 5…? OK… 5. 5 days off in a
I feel sad for those who feel compelled
to do work stuff while on vacation. I almost always do not…
although this time I actually got a call from the Help Desk and did a
little “coordinating from the remote position” to help things
along. That was yesterday. Today, I peeked at my work e-mail
briefly, then put the iPhone down and ran away screaming. Or maybe I
just put the iPhone down. OK I picked it up several times later; but
no more e-mail peeking. It’s just not healthy to let my mind be
consumed with work all the time. So I don’t allow that. I’m pretty
good at maintaining strong boundaries that separate work from home.
My mission this weekend (5 DAYS!!!) is
to get at least SOME of the garden planted. I’m so far behind… but
as I always tell my Beautiful Girlfriend, “work interferes with my
free time.” Next year at this time I’ll have a reeealllllyyyy
looonnnggg vacation because I’ll be retired.
Got a bit of a start though. Bought some peppers, eggplants (not eggs from chickens. Eggs from plants) tomatoes and herbs. Yesterday I mowed the garden. HUH?? Yes, the quack grass was already out of control, so I took the garden tractor and put the mower deck into soil scrape mode. In other words, I put it on the lowest setting possible and scalped all the weeds and such. Then I began the laying out of the beds in preparation for tilling. And of course: rained much of the day today. I suppose I could have done more garden stuff, but I would have become very soggy. And yes, all this takes some preparation; which of course is time consuming. But the rewards are very great. We not only get wonderful food, but it is also very good for my spirit. And speaking of the spirit, I’m very happy to announce that I’m definitely in vacation mode now. I know this because I forgot what day it was today.
This vacation is for staying home.
Very few plans. Plant da garden. Be with my Honey Pie. Maybe catch
a movie. Just not sure; and that’s OK.
So, I hope you are also on vacation.
If not, well nyaa nyaa na boo boo to the likes of YOU!! Ha ha!!
Yours with 3 more days,
Kenny “Am I Retired Yet?” Compostflinger
Now I’m off to learn new gardening techniques from Porky…
You may not believe it when I tell you
, but I am blessed beyond belief. Actually, I really could give a
rip as to whether you believe me or not, because it’s true!! So
there!! Put that in your smipe and poke it!! Sure, I’m getting
old. I’m older than compost!! But one thing nice about being
older, at least for me, is that I’ve suffered more than enough
growing pains for one lifetime. And I may have even learned a few
things along the way.
Now, please don’t misunderstand me
when I start bribbling about having learned stuff. If you know me
well, you know from time to time I’ll mention that I’m on a
constant recovery journey. That’s right, friends, I’m trying
every day to recover from the dreaded Mr. Know-It-AllDisease. Some days I try harder than others… but I
think I’m getting better at it. I hope. Maybe. I just don’t
know!! To quote the late Alistair Sim, who, in my professional
opinion performed the very best film rendition of Ebenezer Scrooge,
“I don’t know anything… I never did know
anything!! But now I KNOW I don’t
With a little help from my friends and
The People Upstairs, I’ve made it to a time in life where I can
definitely relate to Mr. Scrooge’s awakening.
So why, you may ask, am I so blessed?
OK so maybe you didn’t ask. Well if you don’t wanna know, quit
reading awreddy!! Otherwise, know this: I’m in love with
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE!! And guess what??
SHE LOVES ME BACK!! Or at least, she says she does.
Now all you other women in the universe, please don’t fret; because
my professional opinion is that although my Beautiful Girlfriend is
the Most Beautiful Woman In The Universe, ALL other women are
the Second Most Beautiful. God doesn’t make junk,
Wow… can you believe that this coming
Sunday is May 19th already?? And you might say, yeah, so
what?? And then I might say, “whaddya mean, so what???!!!” And
then I might go on to say, “this May 19th is the 47st
anniversary of my first official date with THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE!!” I can’t believe it’s 47 years
already!! Seems like just yesterday, or perhaps the day before!! OK
maybe a couple weeks or months… but 47 years??!! Sheesh!! So why,
you might ask, would I remember the exact date?? Well since you’ve
been silly enough to read this far, I’ll spill the beans.
A little Cosmic Holy Mackerel first:
when I was 12, my family moved from Long Island, New York to the
North Woods of Wisconsin. When she was 17. her family moved from
Ferndale, Michigan (near Detroit) to the North Woods of Wisconsin.
Now here comes the Cosmic Holy Mackerel part: after Christmas
vacation of our senior year in high school, we were planted next to
each other in study hall. I’m very certain that The People Upstairs
were pulling strings. We instantly became friends, and then she
pulled a dirty trick: she changed her wardrobe from jeans and smock
tops to dresses and makeup. My reaction was: holy crap, I
think she likes me!! I
fell head over heels in love. She went back to the
jeans and smock tops; but by then all I could see were her beautiful
Now comes the May 19th part:
Katie, a young lady from Chicago with whom I had a long distance
relationship, was coming up to the resort on the lake where we lived.
We saw each other when her family came up on vacations and wrote
letters in between. But my last
couple of letters mentioned a new friend I met in study hall named
Kathy. Then on May 19, 1972, Katie and her family came up from
Chicago; and of course, she expected me to come visit. I
rode my 1970 Honda CB175 racing bike over to the resort; and told
Katie about my new love. It was a rather unpleasant thing to do…
Katie wasn’t shocked but she definitely was not very happy.
After the nasty deed was done, I hopped
on back on my racing bike (OK, it’s not really a racing bike) to go
meet up with my sweetie. We had a very provocative first date: we
rode to the fire tower and climbed up to admire the view. Then we
got in the flat bottom boat and I rowed around the lake a bit… then
we went for ice cream… then back to the fire tower at night to
enjoy the view again. No kissing, no holding hands, no monkey
business. Just deep friendship that was quickly evolving in to much,
much more. A little over a year later, we were married at the ripe
old age of 19.
Much has changed over the years, but we
believe the strong friendship gave us a foundation on which to build
a lasting, loving partnership. Our love just keeps getting better
all the time. I still have the 1970 Honda CB175 we rode around back
in those days. It hasn’t run in years, and I doubt it would
accommodate us very well now (we may have um… “grown” a bit).
I also have the flat bottom boat… still floats after many patches
and gobs of silicone sealant. It sits on the shore of a much smaller
“lake” now… our pond.
So what has changed? Tons!! But since
I can’t speak for my Beautiful Girlfriend, I can only mention some
of my stuff. Most importantly, I’ve lost the “requirement” to
be right all the time. I am by no means perfect at this, but I’m
trying to remain in recovery from this Mr. Know-It-All Disease. I
can still be a stinker, but not nearly as often. And when I am, I’m
much quicker to apologize (and mean it). During “The Great
Adjustment Period” in our early married years, we’d make each
other cry a little more often than we care to remember. Now we make
each other laugh, and we know how to be silly with each other and not
take it personally. We are best friends. She even lets me kiss
her!! Andshe kisses me back!!
Anyway… I’m fortunate beyond my
wildest dreams. We have a very good life. If our marriage survives
until August, we’ll be dating for 47 years and married for 46 (I
think we’re gonna make it). Does that mean I’m getting old?? Not
sure what old is supposed to feel like… but I don’t feel old.
Yes, I know it’s not Earth Day anymore, but there’s been some buzz in the news lately and I just had to speak up… again. Unless you’re living in a cave with no TV, radio, or interwebs; you’ve probably heard that scientists have determined that because of human activity, up to one million species are at risk of extinction within the next few years. In other words, Mother Nature is in serious trouble, and that of course means WE are in serious trouble.
Each year, when Earth Day comes around; someone will inevitably say something like “today is Earth Day,” or even “happy Earth Day.” My response has always been: “EVERYday is Earth Day.”
What can I say? I just can’t help it. Every day really should be Earth Day, right?
Can it really be that we just had the 49th Earth Day already? Holy Carp I’m getting up there. I was 16 when Earth Day was first plopped onto the calendar in 1970. Seems like last week! I wondered what ever became of the Earth Day flag. I found a picture of it on line, but I can’t post it because it has a copyright warning and I’m too lazy to ask permission. However, you can click on this link and go look for yourself:
I’d love to say I’m all warm and fuzzy about the progress we’ve made, but there’s so much more to do. I want to scream every time I see someone with bottled water. Of course, I’m not interested in banning bottled water completely. There are times when it’s the easiest way to get safe drinking water like during a disaster, etc. But most of the time, bottled water is a big fat waste. Many times the source is municipally treated water. In other words, it’s tap water in a plastic bottle (made from petroleum), which gets shipped many miles to a place that already has municipally treated water.
Then you have all the waste from that silly crop way too many people are raising at home: the lawn. Chemicals, water, exotic seed, and machines to make it grow and cut it down are consuming ridiculous amounts of energy and causing unnecessary pollution. You may ask, “so, Mr. Tree Hugger Hippie Freak, are you for banning lawns too?” Well let’s put it this way, I’m married and my beautiful girlfriend likes to have a lawn. So yes, I’m for banning lawns but I’m too chicken not to grow one at our house. Fortunately, though, we’ve made a truce and we don’t use any chemicals at all, but we do mow it. Still, it makes absolutely no sense to me that we humans spend so much effort raising a crop we don’t eat.
As far as crops we DO eat, the chemical companies and large agribusiness firms are doing their darndest to keep a strangle hold in the food business. However, farmers markets are thriving more and more each year, and the customers are favoring organically grown veggies and fruits. At our house, we’ve been growing produce organically for almost 46 years (which coincidentally is how long we’ve been married). I can’t help but think the chemical firms and the large corporate farms are suppressing news reports about organically grown food. Once in awhile though, you actually hear the “scientific discovery” that organically grown food is healthier and much more Earth friendly.
We are getting a little better with more efficient cars. However, we are also still affluent enough that several of us humans choose monster trucks and fancy cars that are not meant for fuel efficiency. Compared to Europe, our mass transit system barely exists. We could conserve a lot of fuel by switching from semi-trucks to trains. Here in the U.S. we’ve converted way too many railways into bike paths. And no, I’m not trying to ban bike paths, but trains are a very efficient means of transport. We’re still way too dependent on fossil fuels, but we’re making progress there (albeit painfully slowly).
And what about turning of the stinkin’ lights when they’re not in use?? Not just at home… Mom and Dad always yelled at us to turn lights off so most of us are pretty much conditioned to do that. Ever go past a shopping mall after 9 p.m. (or later)? The lights are all going full blast. Holy Carbon Footprint, Batman!!
I could go on and on, but here’s one more completely wasteful human activity: WAR. What a huge waste of energy, natural resources, not to mention the terrible toll on human lives. You may ask, “so, Mr. Tree Hugger Hippie Freak, are you for banning wars too?” OH YES!! YES PLEASE!! War, pure and simple, is a form of hell on Earth and must be banned forever.
OK so I’m a dreamer. It’s a dirty job but somebody’s gotta do it (yell about banning war I mean). And I’m sure I’m not alone on that one.
Well folks, Happy Earth Day, Every Day, Every Year. Please do something nice for your Mother (Nature) very soon. She loves you, you know. If you’re not sure what to do, just go to your favorite search engine (mine is Google), and do a search on the following text: what can I do to save the planet You’ll get lots of ideas.
Some of you kids may remember this song. The video is a bit fuzzy, but it appears to be made by Spirit, the same band who recorded it way back when.
I may have mentioned before that I have
a retirement countdown thingy that comes up on my work computer
screen every morning. Now I don’t want to sound excited or anything,
but I am Holy
Mackerel, Oh Boy Wow, Hey It’s Getting Close, COMPLETELY GEEKIFIED!!
In other words, I’m kinda looking forward to it.
So there I was, minding my own business, booting up my work computer
thing, and there IT was, right there in front of my
nostrils, being seen with my own eyes, that the countdown timer had
moved to the 9
months, 29 days mark all by itself and now
I thought to myself, “hey self, it would be funny to start greeting
people with a line like ‘I’m pregnant!!’ and laugh to them as they
squint with disbelief and unwittingly become part of a run-on
So I did.
Yes, I’ve been telling all my friends that I’m pregnant, and when
they broop and harrumph at me with gribbly smiles and wiggly eyebrows
I of course explain that “yes!! In 9 months I will be retired!!
Kinda like carrying a baby, right??” And then they snicker and
tell me they’re jealous and such. Of course, this is nothing at all
like carrying a baby; and God bless all the Moms out there who have
done that. They are amazing people… not sure I could endure such
reproductive kaboom!! But lest I repeat myself, and I will, over and
over again, because it’s fun, and it can also make yet another run-on
sentence to which I can just add more words so you can get frustrated
with the silliness and ridiculously long length; this retirement is
truly making my brain muscles jump up and down like little aardvarks
on a professionally cleaned trampoline during a hail storm while
“Bohemian Rhapsody” is blaring on my remarkably powerful Sansui
My wife is getting a bit anxious… she’s expressed concern of the
“half as much money, twice as much husband” formula some friends
of hers have mentioned. I’ve tried to reassure her that we’ll be
OK… I guess she’s hoping I don’t cramp her style too much when I’m
home a lot more. We’ve talked about it of course, and I continue to
reassure her that I’m not interested in disrupting her when she needs
space. We’ve talked about lots of things I’d like to get done, also,
like removing debris in the garage from when the “clutter bomb”
exploded. The clutter bomb somehow made a huge mess of shelves, work
bench space, and even the floor. It was interesting because although
it sure looks like an explosion occurred; it apparently was very
gradual and without much noise.
Lots of chores to do to tidy up around our place.
However, I also have some projects of my own that are secret, because
I’m making them up right now as I write this for your smiling muscles
to enjoy. How about a zip line from my 2nd floor office
to the back of my property?? Oh, and perhaps I’ll buy a bunch of
helium and fill my car to make a lighter-than-air-car… a Toyota
Zepplin. Gosh yes, and not to forget the tunnel. I’ll need a tunnel
alongside the interstate to prevent driving poopyheads from bothering
when the helium runs out. Another invention I’d like to work on is a
blowtorch toaster that makes toast in 3 milliseconds.
So as you can see, my Honey Pie needn’t worry about me invading her space. I’ll be VERY busy!!
Maybe Betty Boop and her friends can help me with other inventions…
Yew no, even inn this day of spell
checkers and grandma checkers, lots of writing is on display awl over
the place that is just plane inn correct. Weather it’s the youse
of the wrong word ore sum thing is spelt badly, computers wheel only
help yew two a certain egg stent, and then hay, ewe gist half two no
how to spell and yews proper grandma. Shore, the spell checker will
help yew often. Butt if you use words that our inn the diction
aerie, and their all sew spelled write, the spell checker thinks
everything is honky donkey.
Oh and hay, don’t four get about
punctuation!! Gist ask my lovely girlfriend wife person: eye used
two get total lee up set when eye saw apostrophes used badly. Yew
no, like when sum won uses one to make a word plural; witch is knot
watt an apostrophe is four at awl.
Egg sample: “Open 12 – 8 Monday’s
Oh golly that makes me crazy. OK maybe
craziER. Their should bee know apostrophe inn such play says.
ANYWAY… enough of such soap boxing (I
never really enjoyed boxing soap anyhow). On with the topic at hand,
“Sines of the Thymes.,” like the tight Al says. Sum of the sines
yew sea these days are gist plane funny. Haven’t seen won in a
long while, butt one of my favorites over the years has been:
“BANANAS .49 CENTS PER POUND”
First of all, how can they make
any money if they only sell bananas for not quite ½ cent per pound
??? Second of all, are the farmers
giving away bananas and paying for the freight???
Yes, eye no they are two lay Z right the price correctly. Probably
they mean $.49 (49 cents) butt it steel looks pretty funny.
On the other hand, yew have the very
expensive beer sines, like:
“BUD LIGHT $1899 A CASE”
Wholly carp eye say two yew, who kin a
ford two bye a case of beer for $1899 or watt ever?? That’s all
most the prize of a cheep car!! Well OK knot much of a car for that
kind of money these daze. Butt yew no what eye mean.
My most favorite egg sample of a goofy sine came to me from Comedy Heaven sum years ago, when I had to go to Plumbs for a few groceries. Thanks two mod urn technology, eye was a bull two get a pretty good pitcher of it sew I could Cher it with awl of yew:
Is that two cool or watt?? Knot only
was cheese on sale for a pretty good price, butt yew kin all sew use
them to patch yore roof!! Eye confess, I’ve never herd of shingles
made of cheese bee four. Their they were though, so I bought one
pack of pepper jack and one pack of Swiss. When I got them home I
figured, watt the heck and I tried some.
THEY TASTED JUST LIKE CHEESE!!!
No shingle flavor at all!!!
Knot shore how many rains they could
take though… they looked pretty floppy. Don’t think I could
really walk on them either.
Well, I wheel bee on the lookout for
moor funny spellings and word miss usage. Eye reel E love thee
ability two snap a photo when eye find a funny sine. And of coarse,
I’m steel a bit chagrinned when eye sea something in print that I’m
pretty shore sum won checked with the spell checker but is steal a
mess. Oh well… that’s my anal retentive spelling and grandma
snootiness four yew.
In the meantime, pleas have a lovely day and eye shore hope you don’t fall for those $1899 beer “sale” prices or the .49 cents per pound bananas.
Sunday, of course, is Easter; and for
pagans like us that means the Easter Bunny will be visiting. Not
sure how the Easter Bunny came into existence, but my Lovely Honey
Pie mentioned a reference she heard that the famous bunny has pagan
roots. I did some searching on the interwebs and learned that nobody
really knows where the Easter bunny originated; but there is
speculation that the pagan festival of the Goddess Eostre might fit.
Legends tell of a goddess of spring and fertility, and a rabbit was
associated with both due to their prolific breeding abilities.
Nobody seems to know for sure.
Anyway, we’ll be hiding eggs so the
grandsons can go hunting. We might even boil some up and color them!
Oh wait… that sounds backwards. Maybe that’s because the ones
we’ll hide are going to be the plastic kind. You know, eggs you can
open up and stash a surprise inside. Hopefully we’ll remember where
they all are… might be a good idea to count them before we do the
hiding. Last year there was one “golden egg” that had a $5 bill
inside. Seemed like a fun idea, until one grandson got a golden egg
and the other didn’t. So this year there will be two golden eggs.
That way, regardless of who finds them; each grandson will know in
advance that there will be one golden egg per person.
In the “good old days,” we would
hard boil a bunch of eggs a day or two before, and then they would
mysteriously be hidden by the Easter Bunny. Also hidden were the
infamous Easter baskets, loaded with jelly beans, chocolate eggs, and
of course a chocolate bunny. Back then, it was especially important
to find all the
eggs; because unlike the plastic ones, eggs will eventually smell
really bad if left at room temperature. So yes, we counted the eggs
ahead of time and made really, really sure all were picked up before
the Easter morning festivities came to a close.
So the egg hunt has evolved into a cash
enterprise… my Beautiful Girlfriend has been dropping coins in a
jar for the last several weeks so she can load the plastic eggs with
money. I’m not sure money is a good replacement for chocolate, but
of course you can use it to buy sweets. But since their parents
would have to drive them to a place to spend their loot, cash is
probably a healthier gift than a few pounds of candy.
Anyway, the most important part of all
this Easter fun is spending time with the family. I’ve invited the
family over for Thanksgiving. “I’m making Thanksgiving for
Easter,” I told them all. “Mashed potatoes, gravy, vegetables,
and pumpkin pie.” “Oooh,” our daughter said, “you know those
raisins you put in the pie last time?” I assured her I’d be doing
that again. I love to cook, but I also love to push the envelope a
bit with recipes. Sometimes that works nicely, other times, not so
good. Raisins dropped in the pumpkin pie mix just before they go
into the oven turns an ordinary pumpkin pie into an intriguing
Please have a splendid Easter. Oh, and let me know if you see any of these “funny little bunnies.”