This past year I turned 71, which of course makes me older than compost. When I was a youngster, dinosaurs still listened to radios with vacuum tubes inside them, and telephones had these weird things called “rotary dials.” Ahh, the good old days. I call them the good old days because when I was a kid it seemed like my body could really take a beating and bounce back for more.

No, this did NOT mean I was out picking fights. I was way too chicken for any of that monkey business. I’m talking about things like riding my big Columbia bike as fast as I could into a hurricane fence, just because I was convinced that this bike was the toughest thing on wheels. Of course, I became airborne when the bike stopped suddenly, but I got away with a few bruises and bumps and went on to the next self-destructive play adventure. Healing up didn’t seem to take too long in those days; and for the most part I could endure lots of bodily clunkings with little residual effect.

But now…

So like there I was, minding my own business, enjoying the luxurious but noisy comfort of the Cub Cadet lawn mowing machine, when I barely brushed past a wild rose bush; and it scratched my skin. Didn’t hurt much… I mean, hey, I knew I was coming up to some thorny stuff. I felt a little scratchy ouching, nothing very intense at all, and a few moments later my arm feels wet. I’M BLEEDING!!! A Lot!! AYYYYYEEEEEE!!! Well OK, I didn’t shriek… but I was amazed at how thin my epidermis has become. Sheesh!! In the “good old days” I would have had a few light scratch marks and maybe just a trace of bleeding.

Oh… and another time… I was playing with our grandson, and decided, “What fun it would be if I ran backwards in a very vigorous manner!!” I said this silently to my self in just that exact way. Or not. Anyway, the next day, my heel hurt like a Giant Squid had impaled me with a Huge Stabbing Thing while I was Using Capital Letters in a Silly and Ridiculous Rant. But seriously, it hurted me awreddy!! Walking was now a very painful endeavor!! Finally went to a physical therapist after a few days, and they said, “Oh, you have plantar fasciitis.” To which I politely replied, “Do what now??” And they explained further, “Yes, you injured the ligament in your heel. Do these stretching exercises and get some inserts for your shoes. In the meantime, be more careful and quit pretending you are 13 years old with the backward zooming ouch happenings.”

They may not have said it exactly that way… but after a few months… MONTHS… the foot thing finally healed up.

Oh yes, another fond memory!! So there I was again, hoping to show how agile I could be, attempting to do a jump to the top of some perfectly usable concrete stairs without actually walking up the stairs. I placed my hands at the top of the concrete staircase… and I’m thinking, “Sheesh, there are only 3 stairs, I shall jump up like a spry kitty cat for the fun of it.” It never occurred to me that perhaps I might smash my shin bone into the top of the steps on the way up. And yes, I made it to the top but WAAHHH HOTCHAMOOFA OY YOY YOY THAT HURT!!! Bad bloody scrapings and bone bonking of the shin area!!! Boy howdy did I feel intelligent upon “completing” such an athletic yet painful task!!

Took several moons for that one to heal properly.

OK. So the moral of the story is: young ouch is better than old ouch. Well sometimes… I suppose it depends on how big the ouching is. And yes, even though I don’t like it much, I am very aware that my body can’t take the punishment it once endured. Oh, and yeah, I can’t jump higher than a bullet or run faster than a speeding building either.

So I’m much more careful. I’m too young to die.

But as the great Henny Youngman used to say: “Doctor!! It hurts when I do this!! So the doctor says, ‘DON’T DO THAT!!’”