I cry, I weep, I gnash my teeth. Some flame-headed goat poop sniffing slime licker (or maybe lickers) stole from me.

There I was, minding my own business, going to Walmart because the local Meijer removed 8 O’Clock coffee (in the big bags) from their shelves. I really don’t like to go to Walmart, because they have a history of treating their employees rather badly. Not sure if that has changed over the years but the whole premise is indelibly burned into my brain cells and so I would rather not support them, thank you very much.

So… as I was saying … there I was minding my own business, with my Beautiful Girlfriend, buying my coffee at Walmart, and thinking, “yay!! We scored 4 big bags of 8 O’Clock coffee!! Enough for several weeks!! This is most marvelous indeed!” We happily put the bags of coffee in the pantry and sang songs of caffeinated joy. Well OK maybe not. But we were glad to get our stash.

I used a debit card for the purchase, which I do quite often. I rarely carry cash, you see. This is due to a strange phenomenon called spontaneous wallet depletion. In other words, in the “good old days” before debit cards, my cash seemed to disappear pretty quickly. Not sure if using the debit card changed that, but at least now I’m able to keep track of where the money goes a bit more easily. I get online regularly and check to make sure all is well.

However, this time I didn’t check for several days; and my checking account shrank by an extra $317 over the course of about a week. Very shortly after I used my debit card at Walmart; someone somewhere somehow hacked something and started using my debit card info at a Walmart in Elk Grove, Illinois; which is a bit over 200 miles from here. Little nibbles… $35 here, $35.36 there… carefully staying under $50 which I guess is a threshold that starts to raise flags.

I was not very happy.

Dunno what it is about Walmart, but a similar fraud thing happened to me with my credit card after making a purchase at Walmart.com ! Very cool indeed, right?? I lost the use of my card for a little over a week after reporting it stolen. At least I had the debit card. Now I’ve lost the use of a debit card for 7 to 10 days, but at least I have a credit card. Fortunately, our credit union took care of all the fraud and even refilled my checking account with the amount that was stolen. I’ve since learned of an app called CardValet; which apparently can stop this. Once the new debit card arrives, I’ll enter it into the app, and when I’m not using it, I can use CardValet to turn the card off. I guess it works with credit cards too.

Guess what? For the time being, I’m carrying cash again. And no, I’m not paranoid about using electronic payments; but you can bet I’ll be using the CardValet app regularly.

Oh and by the way, regarding the cyberthieves: not only are they flame-headed goat poop sniffing slime lickers, but they also pee themselves in public places but just sit there with a silly grin. I’m sure they also enjoy eating other people’s boogers; and I would also not be surprised if they smear dog snot on their eyebrows.

They are not my friends. Time to call Superman.