My Holiday Requirements for 2014

Dearly Beloved Human Persons,

I know the Holidays are on the horizon, and before they get here I’d like to remind all of you who might be reading this that I very much appreciate all of your vital organs and other body parts that help you stay here on Earth with me. I’m grateful that you take the time to read my silly soliloquies; and I hope that you don’t get embarrassed by my saying that the love we all share together is definitely more satisfying than any material wealth; although money can purchase delicious items and can even be used to enjoy other things like keeping your house warm, freshening your lint brush, and even making water come out of pipes for either drinking or squirting the cat while you eat pie at the breakfast table and try to figure out why a person would write run-on sentences in the first place.

Perhaps you are scratching your elbows right now because you can’t figure out what to get me for Santa Time. Perhaps I’m completely full of beans, and you intend to get me the same thing as last year and the year before (nothing). I’m very much OK with that because I didn’t get you anything again this year, but if you are willing to pay enough I will be happy to cross the border into Indiana and buy you some used highway signs. If you happen to travel through Indiana after December 32nd, try to ignore the many naked highway sign posts. I have absolutely no idea what that’s all about.

However, if you are bell-hent on dashing to the Almost New and Almost Real Variety store with the intent of buying a present for me, here are some suggestions you may want to consider before I place all your shingles for sale on e-Bay. Oh, and yes I have also been known to intimidate even the strongest smelling rock lobsters by telling their darkest secrets to that zinc plated sewer drain over there.

So here are my 2104 Holiday Gift Requirements; all of which had better be at my doorstep by June 17th or the whole “let’s raise a bean plant together” thing will become a distant memory of things that never got off the ground because “someone” was “too lazy” to “quit using quotation marks excessively”:

1) What the HECK are all these remote controls?? I have like 17 in the bedroom and 30 in the living room. All I want to do is make Kool-Aid before the sun goes down in the east. Can you please do something with this leaky potato sack?

N) I need to have my computer keyboard re-varnished. All the mustard from my entry in the “Giant Chili Dog Contest” seems to have settled under the Triblet Membrane and now when I press the * key something strikes me in the leg.

p7) Musky da Husky is getting old and coughing quite a bit these days. Please bring him some filet mignon and lobster tails and we promise we will cook them for him some time soon after you’re gone from our house. We’ll make sure you’re not around to see how that all works out; but I’m sure he will appreciate it.

9-) I’ve often wondered what it would be like to drive a car through a time portal. Don’t you think it would be cool to freak out the ancient Egyptians with some Bangles music being blasted out of the windows while cruising Cairo around 1230 BC? Oh wow… if you had an electric car you could sneak up from behind and lay on the horn when you find a nice crowd. Please get to work on all that. My wife would truly be zapulated if this could be ready before spring.

Well I suppose that’s enough for now. Let me know what your ideas are. Or even better, just send me some artificial sandwich fixin’s and I’ll make my own.

But seriously, I hope all is well with you. Thank you again for being you, because if you were someone else that would be confusing. Know that The Great Spirit and All Their Friends love you, even when you cannot love yourself. You are a beautiful person; and I can comfortably say this even if I have no idea who you are.

How can I say this? Well I can say it because I truly believe that God does not make junk. All of us are Children of the Universe; and we all have a right to be here. We all deserve to love and to be loved.

So get out there and do that. Love and be loved. Please. This time of year can be joyous, but it can also be very stressful for some folks. Try to help someone smile if you can.

In my professional opinion, that’s why we are here.

Forget about all that “stuff” I asked for earlier. This is what I REALLY want for Christmas…