A Bad Case Of The ‘Fonlies

They say hindsight is 20/20, and now that the year is 2020 and I’m getting close to retirement; I can’t help but look back at what I could have done differently. I have no real regrets, just a bunch of regrets that I don’t really have but I maybe do to a small degree which of course brings a little stress to my universe, especially when my wife is REALLY stressing about money because the money we’ll be pulling in will be a lot less than what we are earning now and she’s getting all freaked out and I’m just kinda wishing I had saved more so I wouldn’t have to write run-on sentences to describe the total panic that ensued just this morning but I cranked out some numbers and my Beautiful Girlfriend’s eyes quit bulging out of the sockets and her complexion went from steamy red to a pale blue and that’s probably not real but you know what I mean.

Don’t you?

No? Well, you know… we have a small case of the ‘fonlies. Like ‘f only we had saved more. And ‘f only I had bought fewer candy bars during the Great Fizz Festival back in June of ’97. Oh, and ‘f only maybe we hadn’t gone to see Paul McCartney 29 times during March of ’02. And perhaps I should only have purchased 12 of those 43 motorcycles when I was sad about having to mow the lawn every week. And another thing: ‘f only we had used less ketchup!!! Do you know how much ketchup costs???

So maybe we only saw Paul McCartney twice times. And maybe I only have one motorcycle… the same 1970 Honda CB175 that my Beautiful Girlfriend and I rode all over the place when we were first dating, and also when we were first married!! That was way back when we could both sit on the bike and not kill the springs. I think the springs would bottom out with just ME on it now… but it hasn’t run in several years anyway. And ketchup… well we just won’t go there. I mean, hey, gotta have ketchup!!

Heinz only please…

So my Beautiful Girlfriend was crying and rolling on the floor about money and retirement and Oh God We’re Gonna Have To Eat Beans And Rice And Use Candles Instead Of Electricity And Maybe She Didn’t Say Any Of That But I Superfluously Capitalized Each Word To Emphasize How Frightened She Was Getting.

Being the responsible hubby I am, I started running down the numbers; and after all our expenses, both real and imagined, we still had money left over. Of course, we’ll have to scrutinize this more closely (very soon) and come up with a budget that can tell us exactly where we are.

Well Ladles and Jellyspoons, the moral of the story is: if you are not retired, SAVE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN… NOW!!! And if you are already retired: could you please come to our house and give us some lessons?

And no, we’re not gonna pay. But we have ketchup!!

We’re actually very fortunate people… especially compared to these blokes.