The Brain – Hiney Connection And Other Senior Anomalies

This past Monday marked my 67th trip around the sun. That’s right folks, I’m starting to approach the older-than-compost mark of the big 7-0. Weird!! I mean where did all the time run off to? I distinctly remember when The Beatles came to the U.S. on the Mayflower… seems like just a couple years ago. Then suddenly I got married, had kids, and now we have grandchildren!! One grandson is 12 awreddy, and the other’s gonna be 8 next month!! Time is flying so quickly… this is a horrible thing to happen to gentle people like us (my Beautiful Girlfriend and me).

I’m told this is a common anomaly among seniors. And no, I don’t mean the high school variety. Well OK, during senior year of high school my Lovely Bride and I were planted next to each other in study hall. That was in January of… holy mazamookah!! 1972!!??!!That’s like 49 years ago!! This time whooshing phenomenon is lamented by many folks our age. We are all wondering who stole all the minutes. Gives a whole new perspective on the mantra, “try to live life one day at a time.”

I’m catching myself referring to my Sweet Honey Pie, me, and many of our friends as seniors. As in senior citizens. Old farts. Well OK, the men are the old farts, because everybody knows the ladies simply do not fart, right? Ummm… well never mind. So yes, we are senior citizens. We get discounts at restaurants, but since the nasty COVID came along we are not really interested in dining inside. Many of us are retired; and of course most of us are “enjoying” all the physical changes that make getting older so doggoned much fun.

Took a friend of mine to go get hearing aids at the Veteran’s Hospital today. He’s ten years older, and of course my mind started spinning about if (or more likely when) I’ll need hearing aids. I’m a veteran, so I was thinking maybe I could qualify for some assistance with such extravagantly expensive devices. I dropped him off at the door, parked the car, and went back inside to use the tinkle room. There’s another anomaly… old people tinkle. A LOT. Well some of us do. And even weirder, we talk to each other about it!!

So anyway, there I was, walking back inside to go tinkle, when I’m greeted by some folks behind a table. A nice lady lunged at me with a temperature doohicky and waved it near my forehead, and she began to quiz me: “Have you been sick?” “No,” I replied. She continued…

“Have you been near anyone who has been sick or has had COVID?”

“No.”

“Have you had or needed a COVID test recently?”

“No.”

“Do you walk to school, or carry your lunch??”

“No??”

Well OK maybe that last question was a fib. I mentioned that my friend (who had long left for his appointment) was getting hearing aids and that I might need some later on. Of course, I know I’ve had some hearing loss due to many rounds of ammunition shot during target practice when I was a kid, all of course with no hearing protection. “Better start the paperwork!” the nice lady said. Then she described what sounded like a few thousand pounds worth of forms that would be needed. Oh well, I don’t need them right now; at least not today. When I got home, my Beautiful Girlfriend was in her rocking chair, facing away from me, playing a game on her iPad when she uttered something like, “jermla brib da cam makka jaboo gleg HEARING AIDS??” “What’s this about hearing aids?” I replied. She repeated and asked if I thought the VA could help me get hearing aids. “I dunno, maybe,” I answered. “Don’t quite need them yet…”

My friend insisted on buying me lunch on the way home, and I had a nice Double Bacon Death Burger from a well known fast food joint. It was delicious but I was fully aware that I would soon fall victim to yet another senior anomaly: Instant Obesity. Something very unfair happened some years ago, when I noticed that whatever I ate almost instantly added pounds to my body. Not fair, not funny.

My favorite joking anomaly though, is the brain – hiney connection. I joke about it because I find it amusing, but it’s also a bit annoying at times. I’ll be sitting down, reading the paper or maybe watching the news, and then it occurs to me that I need to go to the pantry to get something for dinner. I get up, walk to the pantry, open the door, and stare blankly inside because I forgot why I needed to go the pantry. I go back to my sitting place, and as soon as I sit down I remember what I needed!! This strange brain – hiney connection is not limited to trips to the pantry, either. Sheesh!! Funny, but also frustrating at times.

Guess I’ll just keep being grateful for each successive trip around the sun. I really am fortunate, after all. I can still do pretty much everything I was able to do when I was 27; but often physical motion is accompanied by some snap-crackle-pop noises, and sometimes it hurts. My wife and I have some health challenges, but we are still basically doing very well. As far as material success, I’ve had all my wants fulfilled. Some of you have heard me say this before, but when I was a kid (20s or so) I stated to many friends, “all I want in life is the love of a beautiful woman, a home with enough land to grow food; and a kick-ass stereo.”

I have all those. Life is good.

One thing cool about being an old fart, I remember when they actually played movies like this on TV when I was very young. Still fun to watch in my professional opinion!!