Here comes our last goodbye; at least in the physical sense of the word. Tomorrow afternoon we’ll be putting my Beautiful Girlfriend’s bones in the ground. She wanted to be cremated, but she also wanted a stone; so of course that’s what we did. Her name, my name, and our son’s name all carved on the face; as the local cemetery allows up to 3 sets of cremated remains in the same plot.
Her remains are in a biodegradeable container… a cylindrical pressed cardboard thingy with a nice picture of some trees covering the outside. I put Never Anne’s cremated remains in the container with my Honey Pie… our daughter reminded me that Mom made that a requirement some time ago. Nevvie was our calico cat who lived with us for 21½ years. Although she started out as our daughter’s kitty, when our daughter moved into town she knew full well that Ms. Never Anne, the inside / outside mighty huntress, would never tolerate being cooped up in an apartment. Very soon after our daughter moved out, Nevvie latched on to my Lovely Bride and wouldn’t let go.
Last Friday we were graced by the presence of well over 100 loved ones who came to the Celebration Of Life. Many came from quite far away. And since my Honey was a nurse, the local chapter of the Nurse Honor Guard blessed us with an amazing tribute to my Honey’s nursing career. In contrast, the internment will be a small affair… a total of 16 of us. Immediate family only, biological and extended. I’ll be reading a short goodbye piece I wrote in honor of My Sweetie’s passing, and I’ll lead the group in The Serenity Prayer at the end to finish up. All this just one week after the Celebration of Life, and 3 days after what would have been our 51st wedding anniversary.
We want to be done.
To honor her, I posted a memory on the Bookface on August 21, the day we were married way back in 1973. Got lots of love and caring comments of course. But every now and again folks say things like “I’m sorry you have such pain.” I try to reassure them that it’s OK… this is what grieving is all about. Our embracing of the principles in our 12 step program have given my Honey and me some tools along this journey we call life. We’ve been able to endure the travails of her illness. And holy cow, she was able to face her demise with grace and dignity. We were able to tell all our friends and family that we were “… grateful and content much of the time.”
And we were!
So the pain of losing my life partner has been both bearable and unbearable. I’ve cried often; and will likely continue to do so when needed. I remember telling her, “I can see myself crawling into a deep dark hole when you’re gone.” Not a healthy way to deal with any of this. Instead, since she’s passed I’ve gone to more 12 step meetings than I have in many moons. I continue to see our therapist who has helped both of us process the challenges of a terminal illness and its inevitable outcome. I’ve signed up for two grief support groups for those who have lost spouses. And my social calendar has filled up quickly. Even made some very nice new friendships!! I’ve learned long ago that God works though people; and that sharing all my feelings with those who care about me is a very important part of the healing process. And yes it still hurts, but the sting is waning a tiny bit. A very tiny bit.
I’ve asked her to come home several times but that doesn’t happen for some reason (duh). However, I’ve felt her presence numerous times, and have also received what I’m sure are thoughts from her on matters ranging from who to mention in her obituary to “I want some of that strawberry shortcake!!” I’m absolutely certain that although she left her body behind she is still very much alive in The Great Beyond. It can be comforting when I stay reminded of that; but I do miss her terribly and sometimes I just need to have a good cry. So I do.
And that’s very OK.
So… I posted this video on the Bookface recently but the song won’t leave my head lately so here it is again. I sang it often when she was here, and I suspect I’ll continue to sing it for some time.