A year ago today, my Beautiful Girlfriend’s spirit left for The Great Beyond. I remember the day very well… and how I didn’t “lose my shit” until after her body was removed from the house. As you may have guessed, the phrase “lose my shit” refers to crying. BIG crying. Loud crying. Many big and loud periods of crying… usually while I was alone, but not always.
Our parents didn’t like to hear us crying. More than once Dad would say, “Quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” That wasn’t very nurturing; and the approach was put on my list of childhood resentments that helped me break away from home at the ripe old age of 18. I was later able to let go of those resentments, realizing that our parents simply did the best they could.
My Beautiful Girlfriend and I entered early adulthood together… so certain were we of being in control of our lives that we married when we were 19. Looking back at some of the naysayers, it was a bit early in life to embark on such a commitment. The likelihood of two kids who were madly in love but also monstrously stubborn to pull off a marriage successfully seemed dim to some. The stubbornness of youth made each of dig our heels in from time to time. But after much weeping and gnashing of teeth, we knew that we needed to be together much more than we wanted to be apart. We literally grew up together. We recovered from addiction together. In the last part of her Earth life, we reviewed our times together. In spite of some of the pains of growing up, we concluded that most of our time together was really quite good. We pulled off the marriage gig with some pretty magnificent finesse; if I must say so myself.
Just short of 51 years. Pretty damn good, wouldn’t you say?
Back in 2019 we learned that My Lovely Wife had IIPF; which translates to Idiopathic Interstitial Pulmonary Fibrosis. That’s a big mouthful of words that placed a death sentence on My Dear Honey Pie. I looked on the interwebs and got the distressing news: death comes 3 to 5 years after diagnosis. And sure enough, she left this Earth in 2024. Five years.
Wow.
We worked hard to prepare ourselves for the inevitable. We stuck close to our biological and extended family. We had very deep discussions about Life, The Universe, and Everything. Believe it or not, throughout the course of her illness we remained grateful and content most of the time. Thanks to our 12 step program and our Higher Power, neither of us had any propensity toward intoxicants to distract us from reality. Oh but we sure did enjoy lots of chocolate and other sweets!!
Gratitude manifested itself in many ways. I retired shortly after her diagnosis, so I was able to care for her and help her die at home with dignity and peace. We had a truly amazing 50 year anniversary shindig in 2023; with a huge turnout of family, extended family, and friends. We were always very conscious of that fact that in spite of what was coming, we were blessed beyond measure compared to all too many of the poor and marginalized people that endure terrific hardships all over the planet.
Immediately after her passing, of course, came the commotion of many visits by family and friends. Then her Celebration of Life also brought so many of us together. Once all that subsided; I immersed myself in grief groups, individual counseling, and many, many 12 step meetings. I also jumped headlong into my favorite “heretical” book: The Book Of James by Susy Smith. The book gives details about The Afterlife, and it was sent to Susy in the form of automatic writing from a man who identified himself as James. I’m currently on my 6th reading since my Lovely Bride left us.
One might ask, “Why would you read such a book 6 times in a row?” I have a couple of answers: 1) I believe it to be true, and 2) the book is brimming with what I consider to be important guidelines for living. You know, weird stuff like all of us being children of God. I put all of us in bold italics because I’m convinced that it’s really important for me to remember that. Whenever I become judgemental of a person; I need to step back and realize that we all really are children of God. So my job is to love everyone, even those whose behavior I despise.
That ain’t always easy.
Even after 6 readings, The Book Of James continues to serve as a good reminder of how I need to behave and think during my Earth portion of this journey called life.
One of my favorite analogies about God is an anonymous quote I’ve latched onto for many years: “Nature is God’s reflection.” To me, that’s everything we can’t see with a microscope to everything that can’t be seen with the most sophisticated telescope… and everything in between. A few years ago one of my friends heard me utter that quote at a 12-step meeting and he confronted me after the meeting was done. “So Ken, that means that we are all part of that reflection, right??” I certainly could not disagree.
Thanks to all the help from family, friends, and counseling, this past year’s journey has gifted me with some important epiphanies. One such epiphany is that every thought is a prayer. Huh?? Yes. It’s become quite important for me to remember. I’m convinced that prayers can be both positive and negative. If I think positive thoughts, I’m sending positive energy into the Universe. If I think negative thoughts, I’m increasing the darkness that’s all too prevalent.
When I read or hear the news, there are all too many opportunities to be angry and disgusted; and of course I could easily slip into the all too human habit of name calling or other actions of extreme displeasure. Instead, I try to remember that we indeed are all children of God; and those who seek to destroy or are blinded by greed and / or power are, in my opinion, suffering from a terrible form of spiritual sickiness. I ask The Creator (whoever They are) to help them see the error of their ways, and of course I pray for those who are suffering.
So yeah, I’ve been mourning. A lot. But I’ve also been very thankful. So long as I keep gratitude forefront in my mind, life is good. Of course I miss my Lovely Wife, but I’ve felt her hugging me all day long. We talked about what life would be after she left… her exact words were, “I don’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life.” I replied, “I don’t really want that either but I don’t know what that means.” Well, God brought a magnificent new relationship into my life a few months ago. I can’t help but think that My Beautiful Bride and her posse (those amazing, strong women we know and love who have gone before her) petitioned The Creator to pull some strings for me.
At this point I really need to say Thank You to all who have supported me and my family in the past and present. I’ve learned so much in these last few years. And I’m especially grateful to be aware that I have much more to learn. As Alistair Sim said in my favorite Scrooge movie, “I don’t know anything. I never did know anything. But now I know I don’t know anything!” As a person who was afflicted with Mr. Know It All disease, repeating that statement helps me keep my ego in remission. Going forward, I’ll be “wearing out” the following prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
So… remember those “heretical documents” to which I’ve been referring? Well here are some testimonials that illustrate the talking points of what I’ve been reading. Hope you’ll take the time to check them out.