It’s October outside, and here in Michigan, that means hunters will be gearing up for their pursuit of deer. Actually, archery season is already underway, and then in November comes two weeks worth of firearm season.

Whether it’s arrows or bullets, I’ll be staying near the house during the various phases of hunting season. We live in a semi-rural area, and the deer do quite well here. It’s not at all uncommon to see tracks in the back of our five acre plot where Mama, Papa, and Baby Deer have been moving around. Very nice, ya know?? Deer are our friends, except of course when they’re trying to dive into our car as we book down the expressway. Been there. Done that. Not good. But we like giving them a five acre sanctuary, and although we’ve had numerous requests from friends and relatives to hunt on our land, we give everyone the same answer: an emphatic NO. I don’t really like the idea of a stray arrow, bullet or shotgun slug flying past my noggin.

Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with folks who hunt responsibly. But I just don’t have it in me to kill them anymore. I am a WUSSY and I’m not afraid to admit it. Dad used to take us hunting often when we were kids. I got my buck when I was 14, and I haven’t hunted since. I’d much rather shoot them with a camera. I love to eat venison though; yummy stuff, youbetcha. I smear it in my hair with gravy and noodles. Maybe a little mashed potatoes on my eyebrows. A pea or two in my belly button. Now that’s a party!!

Hopefully all the hunters will get their deer and come back all in one piece. Unfortunately, there are some silly boys (and yes, even girls now) who mix alcohol and weapons with very deadly results. And it’s not uncommon for a few to die because an eager hunter sees something moving in the brush and lets a shot fly. Youse guys can go hunting, and I’ll stay home. OK??

Call me. We’ll do lunch. Venison burgers, of course. Your treat, right??

Hopefully our nobody will run across these jokers in the woods…