Working With Controlled Substances

I’ve noticed that some every day items that are deemed harmless should probably be listed as dangerous if used incorrectly. Folks who know me well are aware that I have something of an addictive nature; and sometimes resisting certain substances can present a big challenge.

Mind you, I’m not talking about smoking alcoholic beverages, snorting LSD, or shooting up marijuana. There was a time in my life when I was “interested” in things along that line; but I became way too involved in altered states. Somewhere along the line I got help from The People Upstairs, so I no longer have any interest in having my mind bent artificially. Thankfully I haven’t had any intoxicants in my bloodstream for well over 33 years now (thank you God for Everything).

No, I’m talking about something much more insidious: I love to eat!! Well OK I guess most people at least like to eat. It’s kind of important, right? Yes!! But there are times when I like to eat too much. And there are other times when I like to eat “recreational foods.” Those are foods that are nutritious to some degree, pretty darned delicious, but basically on the naughty list if you want to stay healthy. I believe it’s OK to eat something recreational from time to time.  However, moderation is the key.  What follows is a short list of foods (or food venues)I like a little too much; and I joke to my friends (often seriously) that these should be considered controlled substances.

Pizza. Oh man I love that stuff. It should probably be added to the FDA food pyramid.  OK probably not!!   I love the stuff; and find it very difficult to resist.  We sometimes get it from Pizza Hut, which is OK I guess.  There’s a place up in Shelby, Michigan called The Pizza Factory which, in my professional opinion, makes some of the best pizza in West Michigan.   Sometimes we just cheat and get DiGiorno’s from the store.  My problem is:   I know deep down that if left alone I can eat almost a whole pizza.   Thankfully I have not done that… yet.  But if there are any leftovers sitting in the fridge, when midnight strikes I rise from bed and become Kenny The Pizza Vulture.  Truth be told:   I’m sorry… that stuff is addictive. Which brings another controlled substance to mind…

Potato Chips. Sheesh… do I really need to expound? I can eat a whole bag all by myself. We rarely buy them. Not a very cost effective food item, am I right?  Three dollars and change for a 10 ounce bag??  Holy Moly!!  That’s why my friend Rick gave such snacks the nickname of “flavored air”.

Peanut M&Ms. So what happened to those little like gumball machines like at the movies where you put in a quarter and if you wiggle wiggle wiggle the handle just right you get lots more than if you fling the little handle around quickly and if you’re really good at it you can get WAY more M&Ms with one, two, or maybe three quarters than you get if you spend a buck at the store??  Haven’t seen those in quite some time.  Probably a good thing.

All You Can Eat Buffets.  Not too many of these around anymore.  I’m talking about the ones for which you have to pay.  There have been times over the years where I’d hit the jackpot in the form of a wedding or some other catered event and I would pig out.  But the ones where I actually have to pay can be especially treacherous for me.  When I pay, I talk myself into thinking “I’m gonna get my money’s worth,” then I eat about 719 bazillion calories worth of goodies. I can never control myself at a stinkin’ all you can eat buffet.

I could probably list many more, but you get the idea. Fortunately, my Beautiful Girlfriend talked me out of my desire to go out for an ice cream this evening. We had watermelon instead.  Good thing too… I could stand to lose some flab. My best defense is to do something really weird:  eat fruit or maybe get some produce from the garden and some meat from the freezer and cook something healthy.  Actually have been doing more of that since I retired.  When I do that, I’m pretty successful at avoiding these “controlled substances.”


Haven’t had a dream like this… but it may be only a matter of time.