Working With Controlled Substances

I’ve noticed that some every day items that are deemed harmless should probably be listed as dangerous if used incorrectly. Folks who know me well are aware that I have something of an addictive nature; and sometimes resisting certain substances can present a big challenge. Seems like the greatest exposure I get to such things happens at work.

Mind you, I’m not talking about smoking alcoholic beverages, snorting LSD, or shooting up marijuana. There was a time in my life when I was “interested” in things along that line; but I became way too involved in altered states. Somewhere along the line I got help from The People Upstairs, so I no longer have any interest in having my mind bent artificially. Thankfully I haven’t had any intoxicants in my bloodstream for well over 20 years now (thank you God for Everything).

No, I’m talking about something much more insidious: I love to eat!! Well OK I guess most people at least like to eat. It’s kind of important, right? Yes!! But there are times when I like to eat too much. And there are other times when I like to eat “recreational foods.” Those are foods that are not really nutritious, but pretty darned delicious. I believe it’s OK to eat something recreational from time to time.  However, moderation is the key.  What follows is a short list of foods (or food venues)I like a little too much; and I joke to my friends (often seriously) that these should be considered controlled substances.

Pizza. Oh man I love that stuff. We do have it at home sometimes, but much of my pizza consumption happens in the workplace. I admit it, I love the stuff; and find it very difficult to resist. I sometimes cringe when I learn that during a training session or whatever there will be pizza provided. I cringe because I know that my lunch in the fridge would be much more waistline friendly; and also because I know deep down that if left alone I can eat almost a whole pizza. Then, if someone else has a work event and there are leftovers?? Oh yes, I become Kenny The Pizza Vulture.

Had that today as a matter of fact. My friend Dave told me, “hey I bought pizza for everyone today. It’s over in the factory and there should be some left!!” I said aloud, “thanks, but I need that like I need a hole in the head.” He smiled and said, “well there’s probably some left.” So what did I do? I thought up a valid work reason to go over to the other building. And yes, there was pizza. And yes, I had some. And yes, The People Upstairs helped me again, because I went away, did my work thing, came back, and all the pizza had been removed!! I’m sorry… that stuff is addictive. Which brings another controlled substance to mind…

Potato Chips. Sheesh… do I really need to expound? I can eat a whole bag all by myself. We rarely buy them. Sometimes they have them at work with lunches (or leftovers) and I’ll zip open a small bag and basically inhale the stupid things.

Peanut M&Ms. So like at work ya know? They have these little like gumball machines like at the movies where you put in a quarter and if you wiggle wiggle wiggle the handle just right you get lots more than if you fling the little handle around quickly and if you’re really good at it you can get WAY more M&Ms with one, two, or maybe three quarters than you get if you spend a buck from the one-package-at-a-time machine. Holy CARP those things are yummy. Bottom line? I keep my pockets empty of change most of the time.

All You Can Eat Buffets. Alright, this is not a work thing. I’m talking about the ones for which you have to pay. And OK maybe at weddings, etc. too, but especially those that cost me money. When I pay, I talk myself into thinking “I’m gonna get my money’s worth,” then I eat about 719 bazillion calories worth of goodies. I can never control myself at a stinkin’ all you can eat buffet.

I could probably list many more, but you get the idea. Fortunately, my Beautiful Girlfriend talked me out of my desire to get some take-out this evening. Good thing too… I could stand to lose some flab. My best defense at work is to bring a healthy lunch and only eat what I bring with me. When I do that, I’m pretty successful at avoiding these “controlled substances.”


Well, I was trying to find the cartoon called “Pigs Is Pigs” where Porky Pig stuffs himself; but here’s a Disney cartoon by the same name but completely different.