What to write about today?? There’s lots of buzz in the news about some famous guy who is being charged with a crime. Like lots of famous guys, he probably won’t face much in the way of consequences… nothing at all like what you or I would encounter if we were being booked for a crime. So I suppose I could write about that… but instead of giving all of you something that would likely increase your blood pressure, I’ll circumvent it a little by just doing as a different famous criminal once said.
“Let me say this about that.” – Richard Nixon
So there I was, at the Egg Roll House Wonderful Chinese Restaurant Which Has The Best Chinese In Muskegon Michigan And It’s Been That Way For Many Years, waiting for my take out order (which would have been ready but I asked, “how long to add Shrimp With Vegetable?” and the nice lady said “Five Minutes!!” so I looked at the stack of magazines and the copy on top had, in big letters, “Is Truth Dead?” written on it and it made me think of all the total crap that finds its way into the media these days and some people actually believe it and so I thought “what the heck do I write about on the day before April Fools?” and this seemed like a good topic to go with so now it’s time to STOP WITH THE HUGE RUN-ON SENTENCE AWREDDY and tell everyone that I’m going to write about this here:
Now, I’m old enough to remember when The Beatles came to America on The Mayflower. I’ve observed a few cultural changes over the years. When I was a kid, if you said something that wasn’t true, it was called a lie. Very simple. Everyone knew what that meant. Then, somewhere along the line, a word by the name of “misinformation” was introduced into our spoken and written language. It still meant that someone was telling a lie, but extenuating circumstances would often surround whatever the “misinformation” might be; and these circumstances were too regularly offered to create a smokescreen about the plain reality of it all: it was a stinkin’ lie.
One of my least favorite euphemism for a lie is the term “fake news.” Well the use of that term really bugs me. It’s kinda like someone offering me “turkey bacon.” Sorry friends, there is no way you can make bacon from turkey. There are companies who make something that looks like bacon, and maybe sorta kinda tastes like bacon, but it ain’t bacon. Bacon comes from dead pigs. Period. So when someone starts babbling about fake news; they really aren’t talking about news at all. They are calling someone a liar.
So quit with the euphemisms already!! A lie is a lie! Somehow, though, the printed word and the interwebs seem to give lies a life of their own. And all too often, people who would rather not bother with checking facts will believe almost anything they see in print, online, or hear and see on TV and radio. And if a person is very important, and doesn’t like what they see or hear, and call it fake news, well guess what?? Because that person is very important (at least in their own mind), people will believe something that simply isn’t true!
What a world!!
So to help you enjoy April Fools Day, I will not lament any further about the woes of the world. Rather I hereby offer you some absolutely accurate facts that will hopefully help you in your search for the truth. I can vouch for all that follows, because you are reading it on the interwebs; and everyone knows that whatever is on the interwebs is absolutely true stuff.
True Fact #1: Russia is e-mailing 45 rpm records to unsuspecting music lovers; and these records contain secret DNA altering messages embedded in the grooves. So when you think you’re listening to an old Chuck Berry tune (God rest his soul); you’re actually absorbing molecular sound waves that will cause your eyebrows to grow completely together (Holy Unibrow, Batman!!).
True Fact #2: A new version of radical Atheism has sprung up in rural Minnesota. Harsh winters have produced fertile ground for these factions to adopt terrorist tactics that involve dumping large quantities of Cracker Jacks in ice fishing shanties. This of course confuses unsuspecting ice fishermen; who upon returning to their shanty, veer away from their faiths and compulsively gorge themselves on the tasty snack food. These fishermen disappoint their families when they come home with no fish but a very sticky face and huge sugar buzz.
True Fact #3: Honeybees are being forced into slave labor by the Air Force. Instead of using normal methods of jet engines for propulsion, bees will be harnessed to fighter jets to lift them off the ground in a very stealthy manner. This method, called “beezooming,” is both relatively silent and very difficult to detect by even the most sensitive monitoring equipment.
True Fact #4: Cell phones emit electromagnetic radiation that cause sterilization. That’s right kids!! If you make a phone call using your cell, be careful not to hold it near your nether regions; unless of course you enjoy the tingly sensation of your reproductive organs being jiggled about at the frequency of 1900 MHZ. Hey, some people get their jollies in weird ways. Personally, I’ve been very careful to wear my aluminum foil britches when I talk on the cell phone. Only problem with that is the heating that occurs while the phone is in use, but at least my innards are still firing on all 3 cylinders.
I could produce many more True Facts but I don’t want to bore you all with my amazing knowledge of things I just made up in my mind. You may never have heard of any of the previous 4 True Facts. That’s because although they are all true, those who have this information have been sworn to secrecy. All those “in the know” about these things are very aware that if they don’t keep their mouths shut about all this, I will send trained slime spiders to their homes at unpredictable hours.
Nobody likes slime spiders.
OK… hope you all have a nice April Fools Day. And please, know that just like those X-Files kids used to say, “the truth is out there.” Really it is… you just gotta dig for it sometimes.
Speaking of lies, though, here are a few fun lying thingies…